6 month old always screaming and doesn’t sleep - I can’t cope anymore

[amyandezra]

I really need some advice about my 6 month old. He has always been a “high needs” baby (aka very needy, very opinionated, very spirited, very sensitive.. if you know you know), but it’s recently got so much worse and I really can’t do this anymore.

He used to sleep pretty decent at nights (we joked it was the only thing keeping us sane as his daytime naps have only EVER been 30 mins at a time). I’ve tried playing with wake windows, catching early tiredness cues, nothing makes a difference to the length of his naps - unless we hold him then he miraculously sleeps longer.

We have always had to comfort him to go to sleep. This includes a dummy, swaddling when he was younger, rocking, bouncing and shushing. He cannot go to sleep without movement. He will sleep in the pram and car. We are physically exhausted from having to rock him now because of his size. Please do not comment to tell me that I have created a rod for my own back by rocking him, because there was NO other way to get him to sleep previously. We have tried shushing and patting in the cot, it just doesn’t work. He screams hysterically and becomes inconsolable the longer it goes on.

The four month sleep regression was an absolute shit show and lasted 6 weeks. I now think we are in a six month regression and this is so much worse.

For the past three weeks, he will not let us put him down. He can be sound asleep in our arms but the minute we try and lay him in his cot he screams. He doesn’t go down easily at night, he fights daytime naps, and he won’t sleep in the cot. We have had to hold him all night for the past 3 weeks and I am broken, physically and emotionally. He always wakes up every 1-2 hours crying, even if we are holding him.

During the day he just screams and cries pretty much constantly. This morning he cried 8 separate occasions in one hour. This is my day on repeat, every day and night.

I can’t put him down, he screams. If I hold him in a way he doesn’t like, he screams. If I leave the room he screams. God the other day I had the audacity to kiss him on the cheek and he screamed.

We have tried teething gels and calpol, doesn’t seem to make any difference to his mood. The doctors say he is fine. There is no medical reason we can find to why he is so grumpy. I was told this morning by the doctor that it is just his personality.

I’m at the end of my tether. I don’t like going to baby groups anymore (they were my saving grace initially) because he is always the only grumpy baby. Other mums have commented that he never seems to smile much. I feel depressed, I can’t be bothered to leave the house anymore because just trying to put clothes on, or brush my teeth, or pack his bag - all means I have to put him down and that makes him scream. It’s not worth my energy. When my husband gets home in the evening he takes him while I cook dinner. We scoff down dinner while we try to entertain him so he doesn’t cry, then we start the battle of putting him to bed. We’re going to bed ourselves at 8pm just to try and get enough sleep between us. I feel like I have no enjoyment in my life anymore, I’m just on survival mode 24/7.

Please if anyone has been in a similar situation and come out the other side, please give me some hope. Or any other advice.

Thanks so much.

Mine came out screaming and screamed until nursery. He has ASD though and I co slept with him as he wouldn't sleep alone and needed a body.

Some babies simply do not like being babies, they get much better when on the move and a bit more independent.

You can't carry on the rocking, he's going to get too big for that. I'd personally take it in turns to co.sleep and one of you sleeps elsewhere so at least one of you is getting some sleep every other night.

I'd also invest in ear defenders to dull the screams as well. It might help with the fraying your nerves thing if it's not splitting your head open.

Oh dear, I feel for you so much. My eldest was a lot like this as a baby - he's 8 now, and while he doesn't scream all the time anymore, he's still extremely "high needs" - tons of energy, very loud and funny, wants to be centre of attention and has quite dramatic mood swings. So I think a certain amount of it is just his personality.
We spent what felt like months tag-teaming sleep while the other parent pushed him around in the buggy (even in rain and snow sometimes).
I don't have any advice other than you will come through it. I think ours got a lot happier once he could move around and explore the world on his own terms a bit more. I think he was never really able to tire his muscles out enough to relax before that - he was walking at 10 months, which brought new kinds of chaos and stress 😬but did mean he was much happier generally, and less resistant to sleep.
I should also add that, although in many ways he's an exhausting child to live with, he's also full of joy and sparkle and never boring to be around. Wishing you luck and sleep.

That sounds tough. My only suggestions are
a) Paediatric Occupational Therapist who specialises in sensory integration. A lot of your post (seeking movement to sleep, needing you to hold him to keep him regulated, not sleeping etc) sounds like my boy who has/had sensory processing issues. His (and our) lives changed when he was 3 years old and saw a paed OT for sensory integration work. So its worth a try if you can find one near you.
b) Get away. Can anyone take him for even a few hours while you get some peace? You need a break with high needs kids or you can easily break yourself.
You have my sympathy. Its tough.

Also I meant to add that I developed tendonitis because he only liked being rocked in a certain way, and I still suffer now. So don't be like me. I did co-sleep until 1. And we had a jumperoo which helped him tire himself out a bit, can't remember from what age that was. I've blanked most of that time out 😫

DD is 13 months but would not until recently sleep in cot during the day, we were lucky she would at night though. You’ve probably tried it all but in case you haven’t-

For during the day to get things done, could you put him in a baby carrier? Will he go in something like a jumperoo? If he sleeps longer on you what about just giving into that and letting him sleep in your arms during the day (not ideal but that’s what I did for every nap during mat leave)? Or go for a long walk and let him nap in the pram?

Also, I find it so hard when DD screams, I feel it viscerally, but I try to tell myself that if she’s fed, clean, warm and safe then nothing bad will happen if she cries for 10 minutes whilst I get something done. Getting out was so so important for my mental health, we didn’t really go anywhere for the first 3-4 months and I found it so hard.

For night time
white noise?
warming cot with hot water bottle?
Bit random but gently holding DD’s arms down in cot used to help

How is weaning going? Is there anyone who can give you a bit of a break for some time to yourself?

Also if all my advice is not helpful then just offering support, it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job as a mum in a really difficult situation.

My son was a grumpy baby and what saved us all was buying him a doorframe bouncer. He seemed to find the movement very soothing and he was much happier in it.

My daughter, by contrast, wasn't happy at all in the bouncer and also hated being put down, but loved a battery-operated indoor swing, which I used when I needed both hands to do things for her older brother.

Have you had your baby assessed for silent reflux?

First things first, well done, you’re doing great. 🤗

second - are you actually feeding the baby food?

I had my babies in an EU country who weaned from 16 weeks. No such thing there as “4 month regression”.

My dd was like this. I would love to say it's improved now she's nearly 4 but it hasn't really, she's up and down all day every day.

She's being assessed for autism.

My DC was like this, almost exactly, although the sleep crutch was breastfeeding as opposed to motion. Their first year was utter hell to be honest, with particularly low points at 5-7 months and 10-13ish months. While I agree that you should rule out everything medical….it was all personality for DC. They became so much happier around 14-16 months when they learnt to walk and started to speak. Still ‘high needs’ now as a pre schooler (can’t play independently, ongoing awful separation anxiety at nursery drop off, opinionated but equally quite anxious) but so, so much easier than a baby. They’re also intelligent, loving and interesting. I love being DCs parent now when, at my lowest, I could have happily left them in a field as a baby. Nursery think DC is absolutely wonderful, an ’absolute character’ and never have anything but good words about them. I think none of us would be shocked if they are ND in the future, but it’s subtle at most at the moment.

We did some sleep training (via night weaning) at around 11 months and, although it made the sleep much better and I could cope better, they were still angry and fiery until they could walk and talk I’m afraid. Hang on in there would be my advice - there isn’t much else but survival with a baby like this to be honest.

Sending sympathy...
In the meantime get some ear defenders to dull the sounds and when you need to get something done just put him down. He won't die.
I would get him checked for sensory issues too

You have my sympathies! My 1yo was pretty much the exact same as this. She still can be at times and as for sleep I still have to either feed or rock her to sleep (the rocking is very difficult, my only saving grace is that she is not a very big 1yo!) and she still wakes on average 4x per night.

I will say that she did get better once she could move around more, I think she was just frustrated. Once she learnt to crawl just before she turned 10 months she would suddenly sit and play quite happily by herself for a bit, I was able to leave the room without her screaming after me. Hang in there, I know how difficult and tiring it can be xx

Some similarities with my very spirited 8 month old. Try lessening the parental input/rocking for sleep bit by bit. I found pick up put down helped. Over many attempts.

A walker to let him move might cheer him up (again, it may take a few goes). Adding food to diet if you haven't yet. Lots of fresh air, and take any help you can get. You have my sympathy x

You're doing great.
Some suggestions:

• nap in a carrier.
• nap in his pram indoors. It works a charm for my toddler.
• embrace the contact naps. Put on headphones and watch a film. Housework can wait.

hello OP just wanted to say you’re not alone. im in exact same place with my DS although he is a happy and energetic baby during the day - it’s those nights when he just won’t sleep unless I hold him and still wakes every hour meaning I get maybe 2-3 hrs of sleep each night - OP im with you - also got a 2 year old to look after so it’s tough. In my case it’s been almost 3 months now. Considering light sleep training once he turns 6m beginning of December as it’s affecting my mental health now 🙁

I've never heard of a “4 month regression” so I am intrigued.

But yep, weaning might help, anywhere from 4 months is fine if done gently with the right foods (if the baby was born at full term). The 6 month guideline has its reasons but it's more complicated than that. Try a little rice and apple puree with breast or formula milk and see if that helps.

And sending lots of love and support from afar to the OP, who is doing great. It can be very trying and the comments of smug Mums with happy smily babies... well!! I am sure they don't realise they are being smug and unhelpful. (Their time will come later I am sure, remember that - I don't wish anyone ill-will or true dramas, but it's particularly amusing when the perfect baby, golden child with very smug parents turns into a bit of a nightmare in the tweens or teens.)

I think this sounds quite normal, OP. Your baby is very young still. Many babies will only sleep for any length of time by contact napping. And most babies need to be helped to sleep via some way or another - feeding, rocking, etc.

I think that you might feel much better if you gave in to the fact that this is just how your baby is and nothing but time will change them. You aren’t doing anything wrong and neither are they. Let them lie on you asleep for as long as they like for one of their naps, go for a long walk with the pram for another, for instance. Try co sleeping if the night wakes are too gruelling. Your baby obviously wants a lot of contact and reassurance. That’s hard on you, but probably easier to go with it rather than trying to find other methods or routines to “fix” them. As I say, I think perhaps more babies are like yours than not…

I'm sure you mean well, but this is pretty dismissive of the OP's experience - they're already co-sleeping as the baby needs to be held to sleep (yes, all night, mine was the exact same). It's also not most babies, only roughly 10% of babies have a difficult temperament, and when you're on your knees with exhaustion, tearing your hair out from the constant screaming, and all around you are happy, easy going babies, it's extremely lonely, and can lead (as it did I my case) to absolutely crushing PND. To say that it's all quite normal is to insinuate that the OP just can't cope; it's a cruel, and undeniable fact, that some kids are just way more difficult than others, no matter what you do.

OP, you have my deep empathy. My DD is nearly 4 but I could have verbatim written your post for her first year. She is sill very emotional, high needs, quick to anger, but also extremely funny and clever. Again, nothing medically wrong with her, and she's NT; it's just her personality and we love her for it.
You're doing an amazing job, and it takes real patience to parent kids like this, and in our case, it did also get way easier as she started moving and talking (mercifully very early) but she was (and still can be) a big tantrum thrower. I do however believe that acceptance is a good strategy, there really are no magic beans (although some brutal sleep training at 1 saved our sanity from the endless waking and crying, even when being cuddled😩) I would also consider talking to the GP as anti-depressants really helped me, although they're not for everyone.

All the best; you're doing great xx

What does his day look like in terms of feeding? How much milk / breastfeeding does he have and when and what do you feed him solids wise?

Are you still feeding him in the night? One of my friends read some c**p about dropping all night feeds from 6 months when her baby was still only eating a bit of pureed carrot in the day on the advice he'd 'sleep better'....

Anyway I'd say make sure you're certain he's not hungry, get him nice and full before bed, co sleep, offer boob / milk when he wakes up, get him used to being in that little routine until he's a bit bigger to understand he needs to learn to fall asleep by himself and you're not going to disappear forever when you leave them room (for both of mine this was around 10 months) then move him to his own room and sleep train with controlled crying. If they're ready it will work in a couple of nights.

I've never heard of a “4 month regression” so I am intrigued

It's not a regression, it's the 4 monthlys. Where their lights start to come on and they're more aware of their surroundings. Once they leave the forth trimester it's pot luck which way they'll swing.

Let's face it, being a baby must suck a bit when you have the whole world there out of reach.

You're doing great so hold on to that!!

Both my DS's have been grumpy little buggers. DS 1 is almost 10 now and, from 18m, has been the easiest child known to man.

DS2 is hitting 18m now and is worlds apart from where we were for his first year - still has his moments but my goodness, the difference is amazing.

18m must sound like a lifetime away but better times will come!!xx

Do you feed him right before naps? make sure he's definitely not hungry.

He's six months so make sure you introduce all the allergens to him. My baby was uncomfortable with eczema and took a LOT of rocking to get her to sleep. At 6 months I learned she had am egg allergy and was reacting to my milk. I stopped eating eggs, her eczema cleared up and she was instantly happier.

However by that point the bad habits had set in. Like you, they were necessary in the early days to get her to sleep but unsustainable over the longer term. I highly recommend the Ferber method just to get him over the hump of learning how to fall asleep by himself. 6 month is a good age as they will learn fast and it's before separation anxiety sets in (a bit cruel to do it later I think). Our baby cries for 30 mins and then knew how to fall asleep, it was life changing. If you do go down this route please buy the book and do it properly as you don't want to mess it up!

We had this baby. The most utterly miserable creature from birth to nearly 2. Would only sleep in her cot in her room if it was pitch black (blackout blinds) with deafening white noise. Nowhere else - not on us, not in bed with us, not in the car, not in a pram. Screamed almost every waking minute, and screamed non stop for an hour after every nap or sleep. Also fed very poorly and refused to wean. Medical reasons were investigated and no cause found. We used to sleep in shifts and my husband had to come home from work early on many occasions as the screaming was damaging my MH so badly he was worried I might hurt one or both of us. (If you've seen SAS Who Dares Wins - there's a reason they use baby screaming as a form of torture.)

She's 8 now and since she was about 2 has been the happiest, easiest, most cheerful child you can imagine. Completely NT as far as we can tell. Absolutely no drama and great company. Very bright and lots of people have suggested she just came out frustrated at being a baby and stayed that way till she wasn't a baby any more, and she is definitely an old soul, but honestly an absolute superstar.

I remember very well the embarrassment at baby groups and eventually the decision that it just wasn't worth it. And the inability to even get into the car to drive somewhere for a change of scenery, as she screamed so much in the car it was too dangerous as I couldn't concentrate and nearly crashed more than once. But we survived. You will too.

I had two of those babies. ( I thought I couldn’t be that unlucky twice. I was wrong 😬)
some babies hate being babies and are crap at it.
but when you say that all medical things have been ruled out, have you considered food allergies? They are woefully under diagnosed and yet surprisingly common. If you haven’t tried it, it might be worth trying cutting out dairy from his diet for a week or so ( try plant milks like oatly etc ) and see if you see any improvement. It helped one of mine a lot - constant tummy ache made her exceptionally grumpy and when that stopped when dairy was removed, she was infinitely easier to live with!