Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

My friend holds my baby to much?

37 replies

Cutebabymumma · 28/11/2022 05:00

Am I being silly and selfish, but when my close friend wants to come over and see ‘me’ all she wants to do is hold my 5 week old baby. She gives baby back for a feed when baby wants it then wants her back again, she literally spends ages at our house just holding her. As this is my first baby I get super jealous and want to hold her myself, I miss her, am I being silly and unreasonable?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
MolliciousIntent · 28/11/2022 05:04

Yes. It's your baby, just take her back.

Imogensmumma · 28/11/2022 05:08

Lol yes you are being unreasonable….you get used to people wanting to only see the baby and you are just the provider of the baby …. Be grateful for the break go have a nap , put some washing on.

Cutebabymumma · 28/11/2022 05:16

I’m on top of all my jobs and don’t feel comfortable sleeping with other people holding my baby. As I said I’m a first time mum only 5 weeks in. I find it all overwhelming not even my mum holds my baby that long…

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

BrightSaturn · 28/11/2022 05:18

It sounds like she loves you and your baby but if you’re uncomfortable just don’t invite her round for a while.

Nosleepforthismum · 28/11/2022 05:20

Of course you are but I think you know this! It’s good for babies to have contact with other people when they are tiny. It sets them up for having good relationships with other people when they are older. But I say this gently as I understand your feelings and we’ve all been there but enjoy the time apart. They will be less enthusiastic to look after a mad toddler so I’d be encouraging whatever bond your friend wants to build.

BananaSpanner · 28/11/2022 05:26

Depends on how often she comes over and how long for. If she’s over every day for a few hours per day then you just say no, you want some cuddles. If it’s a once a week visit, I’d probably let it go, you might appreciate them having a bond as your child gets older.

Cutebabymumma · 28/11/2022 05:27

She has lots of contact with people, but I just think spending hours cuddling her is unreasonable, surely an hour or so is enough? X

OP posts:
Sleeepdeprived · 28/11/2022 05:34

I agree with you OP. That’s far too much and I would be really uncomfortable too. An hour is more than enough I think.

SquigglePigs · 28/11/2022 05:37

It's only too much at the point it makes the baby's mum uncomfortable. So in this case it's too much. But as a general thing there's no such thing as too many cuddles with a baby!

Your friend loves you and your baby. It's ok to want your baby back, it's natural as the mum of a newborn. But don't make it about your friend being weird, because she isn't being.

ItsBritneyBitch45 · 28/11/2022 05:38

Then simply just ask for your baby back?

minmooch · 28/11/2022 05:41

Tell her not to come round so much?

Keep her visits short?

Tell her to hand baby back?

spotsmix · 28/11/2022 05:47

Is this real? This can't be real.

People on here are constantly whinging that their friends don't care and don't want to help them. Yours does care and you don't want her to.

Tell her go away and never come round and hold your baby ever again. Seems like that's what you want to be told. Yes she's going to steal your baby and you'll have no bond because your friend has her too much Hmm

GCAcademic · 28/11/2022 05:50

The selfish bloody bitch, how dare she! Dump her, OP, true friends don’t visit you or want to hold your baby!

Merlott · 28/11/2022 05:53

Take your baby back!

Friend can do one if she gets offended over it.

Don't make a big deal out of it. You might get quite far pretending to talk as the baby "time to go back to mummy now".

Unfortunately you will lose and gain friends over having a baby, accept that this is just life and if this friend keeps trampling your boundaries she may end up on the lose list.

Applestreet · 28/11/2022 06:00

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all! It’s your tiny baby and you want to hold her. Your baby knows the smell, sound, feel of you the best. At 5 weeks old, babies aren’t capable of forming social attachments to other people, and they don’t need to get used to being away from you! I have 2 children and felt exactly the same when a friend of DH came over and when our 2nd was a few days old - she held baby for a very long time and in the end I just asked for her back and we haven’t invited her back since!

Cutebabymumma · 28/11/2022 06:04

Thank you x

OP posts:
TheLadyofShalott1 · 28/11/2022 06:05

Imogensmumma · 28/11/2022 05:08

Lol yes you are being unreasonable….you get used to people wanting to only see the baby and you are just the provider of the baby …. Be grateful for the break go have a nap , put some washing on.

In my opinion you are totally wrong @Imogensmumma this isn't funny, and no the OP should not hand her 5 week old baby over to someone else unless that is what she actively wants to do. The OP obviously does not want to do that, and when and if she does, she will probably want to hand her over to someone more mature and empathetic than this particular friend of hers.

@Cutebabymumma Many Congratulations on the birth of your adorable baby! Your feelings are completely normal Cute, and not at all selfish. If your friend does not come to visit you to offer you any practical help with say washing the dishes, and making you a cup of tea, but expects you to hand over your baby for more than 5 or 10 minutes, when you don't want to do so, then I think you should cut down on both the frequency of her visits, and the length of them.

Having said that, I do hope that you have plenty of emotional, and practical, help available to you. If you are in a position of being totally isolated apart from this friend then I think you should keep on seeing her, but try to explain to her that as a first time mum you are totally besotted (in a lovely and healthy way) with your dearest little one, so whilst your baby is awake and still so very young, you need to be the one interacting with him or her the most (along with baby's dad if he is on the scene), but that it would be great if after having a little cuddle, maybe she (your friend) could help you a bit practically, even if that is just her making you both a cup of tea, or more if she offers!

For some of her visits could you suggest that you meet up in a local park, or somewhere else that is nice at this time of year (have you got one of those large garden centres near you?) for a short walk - short because it is almost winter(!) - and then if you can both afford it, pop into a cafe for a drink, and maybe a nice cake or mince pie; or maybe go window shopping with her in somewhere like an attractive shopping mall, and show your DBaby the Christmas decorations.

I do think it is important that you don't stay at home all of the time OP - if you do tend to do that at the moment, I know that sometimes the thought of getting a tiny baby ready to go out can be a bit daunting, but it really is worth it - so meeting your friend away from your home could help solve more than one problem, as it should mean that your time together will have a natural limit, and she gets less actual "cuddle" time. Yours and your baby's comfort and happiness are absolutely the most important thing at the moment, that is not being selfish!

Treacletreacle · 28/11/2022 06:09

Does your friend have children of her own? I only ask as i had a friend like this. She would literally take over, even try to give my son his bath. When i went to her house once, she had pictures of him in frames everywhere. Which i thought was really weird. A year later she fell pregnant and she dropped us like a hot potato as she obviously had her own child then. Perhaps your friend is desperate for her own child.

achangeisafoot · 28/11/2022 06:44

She may well think she's doing you a favour, just tell her

Fe345fleur · 28/11/2022 06:59

YANBU. I think it's perfectly natural to feel like this, especially when DC is that little. I'm not sure why people think your friend is doing you a favour by making you upset. Don't be afraid to take your baby back - make an excuse if you want 'oh they need a nappy change' etc.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 28/11/2022 07:05

achangeisafoot · 28/11/2022 06:44

She may well think she's doing you a favour, just tell her

This. If she doesn’t have kids, she may think that’s what she’s supposed to do. If she does have kids, maybe she longed for a break when hers were the same age.

BabyYoZenZen · 28/11/2022 07:19

YANBU at all! This time is so special and for YOU to enjoy and bond with your baby. Just keep telling her you're busy and can't have visitors that day until she gets the hint.

Doingmybest12 · 28/11/2022 07:26

I am sure she means no harm but if you feel it is too much then say it is time for baby to come back to you. Different scenario but I hate babies being passed around like in a group setting and rarely offered a hold of mine. You are the mum and get to decide about this. Perhaps if she wants to help she can make a drink or hang the washing out.

Doggydarling · 28/11/2022 07:43

You ANBU at all, of course you want to hold and cuddle your new baby, not watch someone else doing it. Try reducing her visits, unless she's helping in some way there's no need for extended stays with you and baby so think of what you are going to say to move her on or to reduce the amount of times she calls and practice if you need to. My dn is 5 months old and from the day she was brought home from hospital I never held her unless her mother offered her to me, I know that feeling of seeing someone else holding your baby while you really want them back but are afraid of appearing rude if you say anything, it happened me but I found my voice and stopped feeling bad about wanting my baby in my arms especially when they are so young. Tell your friend you're trying to get into a routine and could she text before calling in, that way you can reduce her visits if you want, when she is in your house just be politely firm about where you want baby to be. Best of luck, don't let anyone spoil this time on you.

chocsaucestrawb · 28/11/2022 09:29

Think it's a bit much but I do agree it's too long!

Maybe your hormones are all over the place
I know I felt a bit like this when everyone was coming over just wanting to hold baby !

And I agree I couldn't sleep when others are holding my baby! So don't agree with that advice

Just arrange visits when you have to 'pop out' so say you have to be out for 3pm and have her over at say 1 pm or whatever time you want
Rather than her stay hours - you be in control of this just until you figure it out

She may think she's helping! She's not a mind reader and also if she's a good friend you wouldn't want to lose her over this

My mil can do this - just wants to come and hold the baby
Whilst the house is a tip, things need doing and she just wants to sit and talk alllll day. This didn't work for me so I took the control back so when she did come over it was my terms not herS

X