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Physical and Verbal abuse?

29 replies

Andie3 · 28/11/2022 00:06

My husband has always had a temper, we have been married for 14 years. We have 2 daughters ages 5 and 9. He often loses his temper when they cry or shout and I've tried my best to mitigate this over the years. I've done every night feed, I've never left him alone overnight with the children as I've always been scared deep down he might not be able to control himself. Last week my 5 year old refused to go to school. She was shouting and I was talking her round. He stormed in and starts yelling at her. He then gets down into her face and starts 'whispering' threats and swearing, with his face contorted with sheer rage. He has done this before, and I've told him how much it disturbs me and how awful it is to do that to a child. He then picks her up, and at this point she is shouting 'Daddy, put me down, you are hurting me, Daddy'. I'm telling him to stop but it's clear he can't hear me, as he is not in control. He puts her outside and shuts the door. She is sobbing. By the time I get her in, and hug her, I take off her coat and she has red marks in her arm. As I left for school, I told him this was abuse, and I want him gone. He has agreed to get counselling but I don't know what I should do next.

OP posts:
Tothepoint99 · 28/11/2022 00:22

Leave or change the locks.

How awful for your children. Sorry.

upfucked · 28/11/2022 09:24

You are allowing your children to be abused. You need to end this relationship now. If you don’t SS may remove your children.

OCDmama · 29/11/2022 20:31

Get him out the house and prevent any and all contact he could have with the girls. You've let this go on too long, and your girls are going to need counselling.
I think you should actually report this to social services, in preparation of him asking for any kind of contact. And tbh, you need to be held accountable to prevent you from letting him back in your lives. SS will do that.

Greenshake · 29/11/2022 20:35

Sick to death of reading posts like this. The parenting and relationship bar is set so low by some people.

MolesOnPoles · 29/11/2022 20:35

You leave him. If you let him be around your children you are putting them in danger.

If you need help to leave then speak to family/ GP/ social services / Womens Aid/ whoever.

But continuing to subject your children to this would be be neglectful on your part.

NotToBeShaked · 29/11/2022 20:38

This is abuse. Serious abuse which could mean you lose your children unless you take steps to protect them.

Leave or change the locks.

fUNNYfACE36 · 29/11/2022 20:43

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AnneLovesGilbert · 29/11/2022 20:46

He needs to leave your house tonight and you need to tell school, health visitor, GP etc. They’ve been through enough already, due to his abuse and you enabling it. If you don’t I hope DD tells a teacher and someone steps in to protect two very young and vulnerable children.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/11/2022 20:47

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YoSofi · 29/11/2022 20:49

You need to fucking leave!

If your daughter tells school, or they see marks and social services turn up at your door they will expect you to protect your child.

Stay with the man that abuses your children, or protect them. It’s that simple.

GrazingSheep · 29/11/2022 20:52

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ImaniMumsnet · 29/11/2022 21:04

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our [[https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence Domestic
Violence]] page.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ Flowers

dolor · 29/11/2022 21:12

Please throw him out, and if he refuses to leave then you leave with the children.

Do not let your children suffer his violence more than they already have. No amount of counseling fixes men like this, they will just revert to violence. Save yourself and your daughters, and make sure he's never left unsupervised with them if he asks for visitation.

Vallmo47 · 29/11/2022 21:23

I hope you have somewhere to go with your kids OP as that’s the only thing you can do. Choose them, not him. If you don’t, one day you will lose them anyway- they won’t forget. It must be unbelievably upsetting and I’m sorry to be so brutal, but you know what needs to be done. Stand by your kids. Good luck. ♥️

fUNNYfACE36 · 29/11/2022 21:39

I am sorry but I think some of the posts on this thread are ridiculous. Has nobody ever picked up and removed a tantrumming child from the situation.

Ok swearing and threatening the child not ideal, I am assuming he wasn't threatening violence since the op didn't mention it.i imagine something like ' uou funking get to school or there's no TV for you tonight.Not ideal bur not something the vast majority of parents ha e never done at one time or another

'
Do uou really think ss are going to stop contact? You are deluded and if you are genuinely worried he might be violent to them obe day, you will have no opportunity to protect them

YoSofi · 29/11/2022 21:49

fUNNYfACE36 · 29/11/2022 21:39

I am sorry but I think some of the posts on this thread are ridiculous. Has nobody ever picked up and removed a tantrumming child from the situation.

Ok swearing and threatening the child not ideal, I am assuming he wasn't threatening violence since the op didn't mention it.i imagine something like ' uou funking get to school or there's no TV for you tonight.Not ideal bur not something the vast majority of parents ha e never done at one time or another

'
Do uou really think ss are going to stop contact? You are deluded and if you are genuinely worried he might be violent to them obe day, you will have no opportunity to protect them

Are you serious?

No I have never grabbed my five year old hard enough to leave marks while my face is inches from there’s and I am raging.

No my husband has never been frightened to leave my children with me overnight because of my temper.

No I have never sworn at my children in temper, mainly because iI’m an adult without anger issues and I don’t try and scare or intimidate kids.

Yes if social services get involved there will be an assessment, and if OP stays with him do you really think it ends here? There will be no other issues? He’ll turn into a lovely, caring father who his children feel safe with?

For fucks sake why is your bar so low?! If he had done this to the OP, frightened her and marked her arms from grabbing her you would tell her to leave surely? That it was abuse? Why is it different for CHILDREN?

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 29/11/2022 21:53

@YoSofi 👏

Justcallmebebes · 29/11/2022 22:22

Hear hear Sofi. You need to get him to leave. Hopefully, school will pick up on what's going on at home if you don't take steps to protect your daughters

fUNNYfACE36 · 30/11/2022 00:47

YoSofi · 29/11/2022 21:49

Are you serious?

No I have never grabbed my five year old hard enough to leave marks while my face is inches from there’s and I am raging.

No my husband has never been frightened to leave my children with me overnight because of my temper.

No I have never sworn at my children in temper, mainly because iI’m an adult without anger issues and I don’t try and scare or intimidate kids.

Yes if social services get involved there will be an assessment, and if OP stays with him do you really think it ends here? There will be no other issues? He’ll turn into a lovely, caring father who his children feel safe with?

For fucks sake why is your bar so low?! If he had done this to the OP, frightened her and marked her arms from grabbing her you would tell her to leave surely? That it was abuse? Why is it different for CHILDREN?

If he had left bruises you might have a point, but a temporary reddening of the skin is just a grip on a struggling child.
what the op is describing is poor parenting, not abuse. You think ss have time for parents occasionally shouting and even swearing at their kids?

MintJulia · 30/11/2022 00:55

You need him out of the house , and you need to change the locks and report him to the police.

It is his loss of control that is most frightening. He cannot be trusted, ever. Get him out as soon as you can, and make sure the police have a record of the abuse because you'll need it if he tries to come back.

MintJulia · 30/11/2022 00:59

fUNNYfACE36 · 29/11/2022 21:39

I am sorry but I think some of the posts on this thread are ridiculous. Has nobody ever picked up and removed a tantrumming child from the situation.

Ok swearing and threatening the child not ideal, I am assuming he wasn't threatening violence since the op didn't mention it.i imagine something like ' uou funking get to school or there's no TV for you tonight.Not ideal bur not something the vast majority of parents ha e never done at one time or another

'
Do uou really think ss are going to stop contact? You are deluded and if you are genuinely worried he might be violent to them obe day, you will have no opportunity to protect them

Are you serious? I hope you don't have children in the same situation.

If any man, their father or not, did that to my child, I'd remove him from the house myself immediately, and he wouldn't ever be welcome back.

YoSofi · 30/11/2022 09:14

fUNNYfACE36 · 30/11/2022 00:47

If he had left bruises you might have a point, but a temporary reddening of the skin is just a grip on a struggling child.
what the op is describing is poor parenting, not abuse. You think ss have time for parents occasionally shouting and even swearing at their kids?

Well, given that I work in this area yes I’m pretty sure an allegation of the above, with marks left on a child would definitely warrant an assessment.

I see you haven’t answered my question. If he had got in the OPs face, grabbed her hard enough to mark her, put her outside and shut the door on her what would your advice be? Is that abusive behaviour or not?

Helena1993 · 30/11/2022 09:31

You should leave

softpilllow · 30/11/2022 09:34

He has agreed to get counselling but I don't know what I should do next.

Of course he has. It is his attempt to show his non existent remorse. I can 99% guarantee if you don't end it now and accept he is seeking counselling his behaviour will escalate in the future. He is already damaging your children. How much more do you want them exposed to?

Also, have a think about it logically, most fathers don't need counselling to prevent them from being cunts.

Get the fuck away.

softpilllow · 30/11/2022 09:36

Also to the poster's responding to the batshit comment up thread, just ignore. That poster has history of inflammatory comments.

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