Feeling deflated and a failure

[Appleofmyeye05]

So I’m going to give as much detail as I can but also be vague as I don’t want to be outed on here as I’m going to have a moan about something that happened yesterday. And a moan in general.

My friend and her dc2 ( I am going to refer to friends child as dc2) came over to play and my dc (same age) isn’t feeling very well. They both had their dummies and my dc picked up dc2’s dummy and was pestering him to put it in his mouth, which he did on a few occasions but was getting a bit annoyed with it so was screaming no no and I told my dc that dc2 didn’t want his dummy. Anyway, dc2 ended up shoving my dc and my dc was very very upset by this.

dc2 is very physical. Hitting, snatching, not wanting to share and I find he tries to dominates my dc, so I have told my dc on previous occasions if dc2 hits them, they MUST push back. Maybe in wrong for saying this but it was becoming a point where dc2 would snatch, hit and take off my dc on a regular basis and my dc would just accept it and I don’t want him going through life being dominated by others. I want him to stick up for himself.

anyway, friend did not tell her dc that he shouldn’t of shoved my dc (should she? Her dc did say no but does that warrant shoving my kid? ) my dc was very upset and wanted to shove her dc back as this is what I told him he must do. I tried to explain that he shoved him because my dc was in his face with the dummy. But I wish I would have handled this part differently. I wish I would have told my friends dc that he shouldn’t of shoved but in the moment I didn’t k ow what to do or say because I was still trying to process who shouldnt of done what. my dc was very upset and I could tel he didn’t understand why he couldn’t shove back when mums said he must stick up for himself.

last night I was wracked with guilt over it. Maybe I should explained it differently or maybe told off my friends dc, but if the roles were reversed (which they are regularly and it’s still music who ends up getting hit because friends dc gets frustrated that my dc won’t take the toy and friends dc ends up hitting my dc with it) my dc would not shove my friends dc because he knows hitting is wrong (and he’s only allowed to hit back if someone hits him) and to be honest I would not be happy if my dc shoved my friends dc if he was trying to give my dc a toy for instance. I think it’s teaching respectful behaviour, yes have disagreements and squabbles over toys etc but don’t go around shoving your friends for trying to play. Maybe I’m being too critical of a child so young but it’s really pissed me off.

I think my friend thinks it’s ok for her dc to shove my kid because her dc said no and to her this is him enforcing his boundaries ?
Any opinions?

You feel deflated and a failure over… what exactly?

Please don't encourage your child to push or shove other children. Teach him to move away or come to you instead. They sound very little still if they both have dummies, so it's you as the parent that needs to be setting boundaries.
If you see your child harassing another - pick him up and tell him it's not kind. Don't wait for things to escalate so the other child becomes frustrated and lashes out.

You can’t control how others parent

You can control how you parent and what you explain to your children is the appropriate and kind way to behave and respond

Who gives a toss what how your friend chooses to parent unless it’s neglectful!

If you don’t like how she parents, don’t get together with children present. 🤷‍♀️

This age group is hard (toddlers?) they do push and shove and bite and hit

Its horrible when your child is on the receiving end of it but I really don’t think anyone should be encouraging a toddler to get physical with another, even in ‘self defence’ as it were.

How old are these children?

You shouldn't teach child to push, because when they go to nursery it'll cause conflict with staff.

It's horrible feeling this way but I would not mull over it. It's hard to know what to do with toddlers and they would have forgotten about it today. Have a lovely day with dc and give yourself some grace

Yes I had a feeling I would be told that I shouldn’t be telling him to push back. I just didn’t know what else to do and I was sick of him being shoved around.

Toddler age

What age are these children?

If they are young enough to have dummies, surely it is pointless to be having conversations with them about how to handle things. At toddler age they should be supervised and adults should intervene.

@Gistbury thank you

Sorry cross post.

Yes we do intervene but when they are out of eyesight, wondered into the kitchen for example, that’s when the hitting and shoving occurs mostly

Toddler age could be 15 months-3 years ... there's a huge difference in development between these ages. Advice would obviously change depending on the age.

Both nearly 3

Yes we do intervene but when they are out of eyesight, wondered into the kitchen for example, that’s when the hitting and shoving occurs mostly

Then you keep a closer eye on them, and also avoid spending time with children who consistently push or hit your child, especially where the parent takes no action. Toddlers don't police themselves.

when they are out of eyesight, wondered into the kitchen for example, that’s when the hitting and shoving occurs mostly

Then they have to be watched all the time.

Toddlers aren’t malicious. They aren’t hitting or shoving because they want to cause hurt and harm, it’s a form of communication. I’m not saying we should accept or tolerate it but pushing back won’t help and will actually exacerbate the situation.

It is frustrating having a dummy shoved at you but the other boy doesn’t have the words to say ‘stop that, it’s annoying me’ so he ‘says’ it by shoving. My DS has done this with one of my friends little girls, she’s a sweetie but grabs his hands and hugs him and he gets smothered! So he shoves. All you can do is move them away.

Fair point

You've worked yourself into a whole big complicated lather about toddlers behaving like toddlers do. You should have taken your DC away from the other one and distracted them when it was clear he was bothering the other DC and they didn't like it. You should separate them when they get physical with each other. Not get all caught up in philosophical knots about how you want them to defend themselves, which a toddler won't remotely understand anyway.

Yea I have defo got myself worked up about it. I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about it and how I should have handled it differently. It’s made me feel like crap to be honest and that I am parenting all wrong and from the responses I have on here it’s clear I am doing some things wrong.

Yes your friend should absolutely be talking her child through his feelings (it's ok to feel angry when X shoves a dummy in your face but it's not ok to hurt him) but there's no way you should be teaching your child to respond to violence with violence.

It’s hard parenting toddlers OP. I think every one of us have questioned ourselves: are we doing too much, too strict, too lackadaisical, leaving them to their own devices too much, hovering over them …

It will pass. No real harm done

Yea I totally agree. It can be a minefield sometimes!

You want to be teaching your son that physical aggression is wrong. You totally undermine that by encouraging him to get physically aggressive in certain circumstances, and you can't then be surprised when his reaction to a situation is to want to shove. He's too little to understand the nuances of social situations , so encouraging aggression sometimes will lead to that being his go-to reaction when he is upset. If I were you I would be working hard on undoing that. It's not teaching him to stick up for himself, it's teaching him that the way the other toddler is behaving is acceptable and should (or from your post "must") be emulated.