Feeling deflated and a failure

[Appleofmyeye05]

So I’m going to give as much detail as I can but also be vague as I don’t want to be outed on here as I’m going to have a moan about something that happened yesterday. And a moan in general.

My friend and her dc2 ( I am going to refer to friends child as dc2) came over to play and my dc (same age) isn’t feeling very well. They both had their dummies and my dc picked up dc2’s dummy and was pestering him to put it in his mouth, which he did on a few occasions but was getting a bit annoyed with it so was screaming no no and I told my dc that dc2 didn’t want his dummy. Anyway, dc2 ended up shoving my dc and my dc was very very upset by this.

dc2 is very physical. Hitting, snatching, not wanting to share and I find he tries to dominates my dc, so I have told my dc on previous occasions if dc2 hits them, they MUST push back. Maybe in wrong for saying this but it was becoming a point where dc2 would snatch, hit and take off my dc on a regular basis and my dc would just accept it and I don’t want him going through life being dominated by others. I want him to stick up for himself.

anyway, friend did not tell her dc that he shouldn’t of shoved my dc (should she? Her dc did say no but does that warrant shoving my kid? ) my dc was very upset and wanted to shove her dc back as this is what I told him he must do. I tried to explain that he shoved him because my dc was in his face with the dummy. But I wish I would have handled this part differently. I wish I would have told my friends dc that he shouldn’t of shoved but in the moment I didn’t k ow what to do or say because I was still trying to process who shouldnt of done what. my dc was very upset and I could tel he didn’t understand why he couldn’t shove back when mums said he must stick up for himself.

last night I was wracked with guilt over it. Maybe I should explained it differently or maybe told off my friends dc, but if the roles were reversed (which they are regularly and it’s still music who ends up getting hit because friends dc gets frustrated that my dc won’t take the toy and friends dc ends up hitting my dc with it) my dc would not shove my friends dc because he knows hitting is wrong (and he’s only allowed to hit back if someone hits him) and to be honest I would not be happy if my dc shoved my friends dc if he was trying to give my dc a toy for instance. I think it’s teaching respectful behaviour, yes have disagreements and squabbles over toys etc but don’t go around shoving your friends for trying to play. Maybe I’m being too critical of a child so young but it’s really pissed me off.

I think my friend thinks it’s ok for her dc to shove my kid because her dc said no and to her this is him enforcing his boundaries ?
Any opinions?

Yes and it’s sending mixed messages and he’s no doubt confused at how to react to when someone is being physical to him.

I would echo everyone else but want to say I think you’ve taken this feedback with such grace and openness. It’s clear how much you love and care about your DC and want to do the best for them.

In case you’re interested in reading or listening, the book ‘How to talk to talk so kids will listen’ is a good one. And the podcast ‘Unruffled’ helps provide a realistic understanding of what toddlers understand and why they react and how to respond.

For goodness sake. How silly to tell your DC that they must push back!

You have lots of options for a toddler, including limiting the time they spend together, physically removing your child from proximity to the other child, speaking directly to the mum.

It's really confusing to a toddler to be told that they can push if the other child does first and does nothing to reinforce positive messages about behaviour.

Thank you @pjani i understand I have asked for peoples opinions and I am grateful to those who have been kind in their responses.

Op

you are at the start of your parenting journey.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but you need to woman up. Fast. Otherwise you son isn’t going to know whether he’s coming or going in terms of the parenting from you

Yes I do agree that you’ve handled this thread really well

I do try and parent the best way I can. I had a no so great upbringing and I’m so desperate in trying not to give my son the same trauma that was handed to me. I am currently in therapy for this. I am very self critical which is why I had a sleepless night last night thinking about it.
No I feel quite equal with this friend.

For now I think you just need to remember that toddlers are not at a developmental stage where they can process the kind of stuff you're saying. They do hit and push and bite because they've got big emotions and minimal language and zero impulse control. That's why kids of this age shouldn't be playing unsupervised - the parenting job is to stop it from coming to blows, not to teach lessons about standing up for yourself. It might be worth doing a bit of reading on development stages etc.

Yea I will have a look at that thank you