Is it normal to feel constantly judged as a mother? (vent)

[terriblemomm]

I was lurking in a thread about time outs and some of the comments were getting a bit judgy basically suggesting to this mom that she was psychologically damaging her toddler by giving them time outs even when she explained that it was often used during safety issues when climbing and the like.

I felt like I related a lot to this mom so it hurt to see such harsh comments.

I feel like there is a lot of “don’t do that to your kids” but there wasn’t a lot of advice which was what she was asking for.

If time outs are bad what are the alternatives? It didn’t seem like much was offered in place of time outs.

I grew up with parents that punished me with leather belts, screaming and slapping. So I’m trying to do better. So yes I do time outs with my toddler. I get a lot of hatred from my parents saying I am too soft on my little ones. So I feel judgement from them telling me to be more harsh as I am making them entitled and they will later walk all over me and I will have no control.

But on the internet it’s” you are too harsh! You’re damaging your baby’s development!”. I obviously don’t have a lot to go off of from my parents. They were too hard on me. I would freeze in fear when they screamed my name and then they would scream more because of that.

Sometimes it just feels like it doesn’t matter what I do. I will always be judged. But I do my best. I don’t want to hurt my baby. I want to give her the best chance in life. But when it feels like the world is telling you everything is wrong…? What else is left to do but just start ignoring all the advice and just start doing what feels like works best for you and your family?

Sure wish there would be more advice on what is right rather than what is wrong…

You just pick and choose what works for you and your child and parent the child you have not the one you may have planned on.

I don’t agree with time outs so wouldn’t ever support that as a strategy, though I didn’t see the thread you mention. There are plenty of things I judge other parents for and don’t believe mum (or dad) always knows best. We do better when we know better. I expect other people to judge some of my decisions as well, that’s okay. You gain confidence as you go.

Posted too soon. If you expect to be validated by strangers on all of your decisions you’ll be disappointed. But you don’t have to take it to heart when people make different choices either.

I suppose nowadays we have access to so much info online, as well as so many opinions about what constitutes ‘best’ parenting. There’s lots of opinions online and opinions in real life so naturally those opinions will sometimes clash. It’s up to you to decide how to best parent your child with the information available to you.

I am also another who doesn’t agree with timeouts. There are alternatives. I prefer to validate my child’s feelings whilst holding a boundary e.g. ‘it’s okay to feel cross. It’s not okay to take a toy from your sister when she is playing with it. I am going to give your sister her toy back.’ Then rather than sending child away, provide comfort whilst holding boundary e.g ‘you really wanted that toy. It made you very cross when mummy gave it back to sister. It’s okay to cry. It’s not okay to take toys from sister.’ I think sending a child away for a timeout teaches them that we as adults cannot cope with their big emotions. I want my child to feel safe to express her feelings.

I know you just used timeouts as an example but thought it was worth a mention. I wouldn’t judge a parent for using timeouts. They’re doing what they feel is best with the information available to them. We can only do our best.

Also, you’re doing really well to break the cycle of punishment you experienced as a child. You sound like a caring and self-aware parent.

Thank you for your kindness. I am not opposed to constructive criticism. Honestly I probably need it more than other parents as I have no healthy parenting models. To look back to. Comments such as “I don’t recommend time outs. Here is what I would do instead.” would be completely welcome. It’s just the comments such as “time out? Your literally killing your child’s confidence!” but then offers no further alternative both drive me crazy and ironically kill my self confidence which never serves the mother in question their children.

It’s really hard to try and parent in a different way than you were raised, isn’t it?
I read a lot of books, articles and blogs mostly to try and build up a bank of other voices in my head do that when I was under pressure, I didn’t revert back to the examples of my upbringing.

It took me a long while to grasp that my objective was different- I thought I was trying to raise a respectful, obedient child but without the tried and tested methods that had worked for generations so I was replacing spanking and scolding with time outs.

But actually I would rather raise a thoughtful, secure and considerate child and that requires a completely different approach.

There is lots of info available and I’m happy to give some suggestions if you’re really interested.

Thank you. I will give that a try. Are there any books on this type of method that you could recommend or just parenting books to recommend in general? I’ve been feeling very lost lately.

I would highly recommend following Big Little Feelings on instagram. They have a parenting course which I have paid for but they have loads of free info on their instagram too. Books wise, ‘How to talk so kids will listen an listen so kids will talk’ is brilliant. Kate Silverton’s ‘there’s no such thing as naughty’ is also good.

Oh and Philippa Perry’s ‘this is the book you wish your parents had read’ is all about breaking the cycle of parenting we’ve been handed down from our parents

I am happy to listen. Please do share.

The internet is absolutely full of “parenting experts” giving their advice and opinion which is a load of crap

For a parenting website that’s meant to be supportive MN can be really judgemental and not useful at all

Strangers and relatives will give you unsolicited advice too!

Just take what you find useful and ignore the rest. Have a thick skin and do what’s right for you.

We do what's right for us - we use timeouts, albeit very rarely, and it's just when our kids need time to calm themselves down rather than as a punishment if that makes sense (learning how to calm yourself down, to me, is a very valuable skill!)

Someone somewhere will always criticise what you do - I can't stand a lot of the hyperbole you see especially on SM like "you are damaging your child for LIFE" 🤣

The whole subject of punishment/rewards in a minefield!

When I was doing a post-grad in teaching one of the recommended books was Alfie Kohn's, "Punished By Rewards". I read it and LOVED it. Sound advice based on credible researched evidence indicating how damaging rewards systems are. Then I went into schools only to be met with a plethora of "pupil of the week", "group points", "class dojo points" type rewards systems. Truly baffling.

In terms of time out, research indicates its damaging - particularly for young children.

I highly recommend Alfie Kohn's, "Unconditional Parenting" for research based ideas.

The Danish Way of Parenting is a nice one. It’s written for Americans who are still quite heavy handed, so even though there’s a lot in it you do t need to be convinced of, it’s still a good read if you were brought up like that.

I loved this Waldorf blog though I would take some of Waldorf with a giant pinch of salt because it’s roots are problematic. But it’s so gentle it really helped reset me when I was going a bit astray at times. She advocates “time in” over time out and involving dc in work. It’s a bit out there but quite thought provoking.

This podcast is light hearted, funny and very informative. It’s American and some of the things they say are jaw dropping to EU ears but they talk to a range of parenting experts about all sorts. So it’s a good way of finding authors that you click with. Plus they always ask for a “mom fail” and it’s really heartening to hear these people who are promoting incredible and inspiring ideas are as fallible as the rest of us.

Oh always.

I let my toddler watch cartoons on my phone on the bus today - with the volume off, I'm not a sociopath. I felt pretty judged.

We had been out all day playing and with friends. Im 30 weeks pregnant. I needed that time on the bus home to just sit quietly.

That’s very interesting. lol I once tried following advice of not telling my littles no. Instead telling them what they can do. For instance saying “crayons are for coloringbook not for eating.” The theory was that kids get frustrated when they are constantly told no because they feel like they aren’t allowed to do anything. It was all good until she grabbed my smart phone and ran full speed ahead to the toilet and dropped it in. All the while I’m trying to do mental gymnastics in my head to try to figure out any sentence other than “No! do not drop that in the toilet!” 😂 Most expensive mistake I’ll never repeat. What was I supposed to say? “Phones are for talking not for flushing?” LOL! 🤦🏻‍♀️😂 She doesn’t even use it to talk. She just colours on it with an app all the time.

I just want to add that I’ve deliberately recommended three resources there with disclaimers because I think it’s very important to listen to things that you don’t fully agree with because they make you think critically. Whenever you’re fully in agreement and convinced that a particular approach is 100% right, you’re only confirming your own prejudices.

Great example of how there’s an exception to everything!!! 😂

Thank you. I agree. It’s good to have lots of options. Even bad examples sometimes carry wisdom. 😊

Mumsnet is an anonymous forum where people who spend all day being tactful feel they can be honest. It should be done in the way you said above, I don’t agree here is an alternative, but not everyone is that careful.
Relative are even more tricky as they are in your home and you have to respond.
There are just lots of different opinions on parenting and people feel very strongly that their way is best. At the end of the day everyone is just trying to do their best to bring their kids up well which is actually pretty great.
You do need to develop your own methods, which it sounds like you have. Then have the courage of your convictions, it sounds like your kids are having a much better upbringing than you had.

It is hard to parent, especially when you yourself haven't experienced good parenting fro your parents.

My parents never punished us. We never had timeouts or random things taken away because we misbehaved. We got told off and we knew when my parents were cross with us and we felt bad for disappointing them (they were probably justified)
My siblings and I all have good relationships with each other and parents so I figure it worked ok.

I feel naturally inclined to parent like them. I've never punished my kids. Firstly, it just seems like too much of an effort to me and secondly it doesn't make sense to me either.
My views may seem even more extreme to some but it's just what's natural to me.

A mother’s place is in the wrong. Whatever you do someone will take issue but you are trying to make positive changes and breaking the cycle isn’t easy.

Personally my favourite book on this topic is “how to talk so kids will listen” and in particular the one for little kids has lots of practical tips and pointers on what you should do, not just what not to do.

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/184812614X/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1669229905&sr=8-1

OP, the book How to talk to little kids so they will listen is really good for practica strategies, as is Big Little Feelings on Instagram x

*practical

I try to think when I see someone doing something I might not, "If I was that parent with that child, I would do the same".
I'm me, with my children. Decisions I've made are based on who my children are and also who I am, my own experiences.

We are all just muddling along trying to do our best. It might not always be THE best in hindsight but it's usually OUR best at the time.