Is it normal to feel constantly judged as a mother? (vent)

[terriblemomm]

I was lurking in a thread about time outs and some of the comments were getting a bit judgy basically suggesting to this mom that she was psychologically damaging her toddler by giving them time outs even when she explained that it was often used during safety issues when climbing and the like.

I felt like I related a lot to this mom so it hurt to see such harsh comments.

I feel like there is a lot of “don’t do that to your kids” but there wasn’t a lot of advice which was what she was asking for.

If time outs are bad what are the alternatives? It didn’t seem like much was offered in place of time outs.

I grew up with parents that punished me with leather belts, screaming and slapping. So I’m trying to do better. So yes I do time outs with my toddler. I get a lot of hatred from my parents saying I am too soft on my little ones. So I feel judgement from them telling me to be more harsh as I am making them entitled and they will later walk all over me and I will have no control.

But on the internet it’s” you are too harsh! You’re damaging your baby’s development!”. I obviously don’t have a lot to go off of from my parents. They were too hard on me. I would freeze in fear when they screamed my name and then they would scream more because of that.

Sometimes it just feels like it doesn’t matter what I do. I will always be judged. But I do my best. I don’t want to hurt my baby. I want to give her the best chance in life. But when it feels like the world is telling you everything is wrong…? What else is left to do but just start ignoring all the advice and just start doing what feels like works best for you and your family?

Sure wish there would be more advice on what is right rather than what is wrong…

My big rule for going into parenting was, bar situations of neglect or abuse, I would not judge other people's parenting. I don't believe one size fits all and kids are individuals who have different requirements. I may think 'I wouldn't do that', but that's fine, because I don't need to do that. The flip side to this is I expect the same from other people. I have no time or patience for other people's judgements on my parenting, it will not change a thing about how I parent, and will lose respect for the person judging.

It's normal for people to have opinions, and when it comes to parenting boy don't some love to share them, but I just don't care. I think: but if I follow your advice I run the risk ot raising a kid who's a judgemental asshole like you. I think there's a massive difference between advice and sharing thoughtful reflections and experience, and judgement. One is trying to be helpful and the other is about ego.

Parenting has trends just like anything else. There's a LOT of shit pseudo-scientific psychology being published too so 'evidence-based' is almost meaningless. What was best practice five years ago is often considered passé and damaging now on very little actual solid evidence. It's mostly fashion. Kids are just little humans going through developmental stages.

You need to remember too that mum's who are judging you haven't yet made it to teen years and have no idea yet how their dc will turn out. Maybe they won't grow up with lots of confidence . I felt l did well until my oldest hit the teens. I did parenting courses/ read :especially How to talk so your child will listen...had taught all primary school ages so l felt quite clued in. But my oldest guy challenged everything in his teen years and drove me to despair. My other two were fine. So no one rearing toddlers knows that their system is best. We are all doing our best and they fact that you are questioning yourself, seeking advice shows you are a good mum whose heart is in the right place.
Having some counselling yourself around your own parenting probably will be your best step as believe me if you get a challenging teen you need to be in a strong position mentally yourself.

Thank you for sharing your insight. I never thought of it that way about them growing into a teen but you make a very strong point! It is easy for us to judge others while ours are still tiny but we truly don’t know until they have grown. But… you are right that I need to work on my confidence. If mine becomes a challenging teen then I need to be head strong. I can’t be second guessing myself constantly.

If time outs work for you then carry on. Every parenting method has its positives and negatives, and everyone seems to criticise different methods to those they prefer - if you’re too harsh, you’ll damage them psychologically, and if you’re too soft the kids rule the parents and are unprepared for the big wide world.

Like many I grew up with strict boundaries and was regularly chastised and occasionally smacked. Of course, it’s considered bad form these days, and not how I would parent, but I’m a well rounded, successful adult, so I don’t see how a few time outs are going to damage a child if balanced with loving parenting.

I agree about being judged though - even getting different opinions from different family members. You have to just trust your own judgment.

The problem with our culture is that we've had 100 years plus of trends and fads. Often written by experts with valid insight but books that say 'you're doing it all wrong, here's the answer' sell better than ones that say 'there's a range of valid approaches, here's one you might consider.'

Other cultures don't have the same constant changing of trends in parenting. I think more consistency would be good.

You can think of parenting like a recipe book - there is more than one way to make a stew or a pie or whatever. We don't need to find a single best way that works for everyone.

The thing is there are so many parenting styles that it's true, whatever you do somebody will think it's wrong.

So, don't worry about trying to please or impress everybody. If something works for your family, keep doing it and if something isn't working, then look up alternatives.

For everyone who thinks time out is too strict there will be another person who thinks it's too lax. I have learned not to worry about it because TBH, if somebody is judging me for being too lax, then I probably don't agree with their idea of what "good" parenting is in that situation anyway. Likewise if somebody is judging you for being too harsh. You probably wouldn't agree with their solution. So don't worry about it. Look at your kids, are they happy/healthy/doing well? Are you coping, do you feel on top of things (mostly!)? Then just don't worry.

Especially online people get very into the weeds of whatever theory it is they are currently obsessing over and it isn't helpful to have that level of obsession and overthinking. You don't have to parent perfectly. You just have to do OK.