Being a shit parent is so much easier than being a good one

[elephantonacid]

My son is 4 (just turned). Until abouut a week ago, I used to give in to him a lot, too many sweet treats, too much screen time, erratic bed times. I'm a lone parent and i settled into a 'no routine' routine, and whilst it made my life easier, I realised something needed to change and I needed to start being firmer and providing my son with more structure.

I'm absolutely kicking myself for not being better sooner, because it's so hard undoing it all. I told him tonight that if he didn't give me the pom bears back he wouldn't be having any Custard after dinner. He didn't give them back and lo and behold, when he didn't get his Custard he had the mother of meltdowns and I just feel like a rabbit in the headlights. I don't shout (ever), but don't know how to deal with his meltdowns.

Am I a shit mum? I just need some advice on basic parenting which I am embarrassed about. It was so easy until he turned 3.5 ish and I just didn't adapt to the changes in his personality and the fact that he was pushing boundaries more.

If anyone has any words of wisdom I'm all ears...

No real words of wisdom other than it’s less work in the long run what you are doing now. Helping him to adjust to those boundaries now are going to make a positive difference to your relationship in the future. Hang in there, you’re doing great.

It honestly doesn't feel like it. I feel like I should know how to deal with this stuff but I feel a bit lost. I thought I'd be really good at this but I just feel exhausted and like I want to explode all the time!

You’re not wrong that it’s harder to be consistent and enforce boundaries than it is to just let them have their own way. Being a single parent is hard work and I bet you’re doing better than you think.

Once he realises the tantrums won’t change the outcome, he’ll stop with the tantrums. In the meantime, the only way out is through. Keep meaning what you say but crucially praise praise praise praise the good every single time you can - you catch more flies with honey…

The earlier you deal with it, the better. It'll be hard but you'll reap the benefits later. We sort of had the same with screens in so far as DC wouldn't wean, we were so desperate we resorted to screens. It was really hard to remove them afterwards. I have no regrets now though: we have lovely family meals, with nice discussions about our day.

Don't beat yourself: as a lone parent, things are so much harder.

See even these comments are making me well up. I've just got him to sleep and I'm full of relief. I'm shattered. Nobody to chill out with at the end of the evening. Nobody to help. Nobody to give me a hug when I've had a hard time of it. I'm just so, so tired.

Awww, you’re doing a good thing. He’ll learn more at school, be better at making friends, will have better behaviour when he’s 5, 6, 7 etc all because of what you’re doing now. Keep going! When he has a meltdown that’s just his body going “whaaaat??” But he’ll get used to it!

As hard as it is OP, it’d be so much harder to say no to a 6ft 15 year old towering over you.

Put the work in now. Also remember that you are raising a boy who will someday become a man and be unleashed into society and women. You’re the blueprint for how he will treat women and authority.

Sorry to sound all doom and gloom, but if my mother had been a firmer parent and demanded respect/boundaries when they were little, my brothers wouldn’t have been the shit show they are today.

They had unlimited screen time, no routine and although she loved them fiercely, they didn’t particularly have any respect for her as no rules or boundaries.

The result = 6ft teenage boys who when then told they couldn’t go out on a school night, walked out anyway.

Also you’re doing a great job in recognising this now and not when it’s too late. It’s a short window and you’ve started at the right time x

This is exactly what I worry about and why I think I had a bit of an 'I've got to sort this out!' moment last week.

You will make it easier in the long run.

One thing I did was I didn't have things in the house I couldn't say yes to at that age. I bought treats but in singles (or hid the multi packs) so that once it was gone it was gone. If you remove the nagging opportunities that makes life easier.

Also be organised. Get them used to e.g. putting school shoes by the front door every time - this could save you about 500 future nags.

It really is worth it. And yes, single parenting is harder because it is just you. But then when they do something great you get all the credit!

To be fair, he's really good at most things. Always puts his shoes away. When I ask him to put his stuff in the dishwasher he always says 'of course mama', it's literally just food and screens!

You will be better off in the long term, but imho the secret bit is that you get the tantrums anyway. Part of what you are learning together is how to deal with anger and frustration.

It's the tantrum coping tactics that really will last you a lifetime :-)

You’re doing amazing- hope you can relax this evening. I tried to adopt a breezy mindset- even if it’s through gritted teeth. There’s less for them to fight against that way. My dd is 17 now and I completely echo all PP’s in saying that it’ll be easier (not easy I know) to tackle it now.

It’s hard being a parent and you are doing great. I had some terrible patterns of behaviour and it was not easy to try to change who I was doing things (still fuck up, we all do). Biggest thing that helped me is to stay calm (I don’t always mange it) and then comfort.

You really are doing the long term better thing.
You have a hard job being a lone parent.
At the same time believe in your natural authority as his parent.
He will feel more secure with good boundaries.
Hugs to you

You don't understand how much I wish this was a physical hug 😅

When I first became a lone parent I had this power struggle with my three year old. It's hard as hell right now but he's improved massively over the months and yours will, too. When he's fourteen you'll be so glad you stuck with it.
That's what I tell myself anyway. 😁

Well done on trying to make the difference now!

The pom bears incident... My 5 year old usually responds best when I make it clear when he can have something he wants and give him a logical reason if possible. So if you set a rule for when crisps are allowed then there will be less uncertainty around it and will also help you to feel more confident in enforcing this. For my son this would be after school he is allowed a packet of crisps. If he goes for them at any other time I tell him you can have the crisps after school. If he doesn't put them back I say you can either do it or I can help you do it. It's punishment enough that he doesn't get to eat the crisps, no dessert after might not make sense to him in a logical standpoint hence the extra meltdown.

I find things like this are a massive learning curve. You did right by following through with your threat and he will soon learn your word is your word!

You are a better parent than me today OP.

I shouted at my DS too much today - and because of relatively minor things but when put together caused me a lot of extra work, and meant we missed the opportunity to go out and buy him new shoes which he desperately needs.

Now going off to establish a bedtime boundary. Stick with it OP - it's hard and sometimes I too have days when I just let things go for an easy life

I do agree with the 'easier in the long run' comments.

Certainly true here as we've always been what family members call 'strict' (although we didn't think it, our DC aren't told off or punished ever really, but they do have rules in place that other families don't in regards to sweets, screens only after homework etc etc)

But now they're approaching pre-teen years our lives feel so much less hectic and fraught than others. And the kids are a lot calmer. I think knowing boundaries and what's expected of them does help.

Could be luck. Could be we have horrendous teen rebellion ahead (I know my brother secretly gets much joy in predicting this for me...) but we're very open and are working harder to give our eldest the freedom and additional responsibility she's craving.

So fingers crossed it stays roughly how it's been so far!

Lots of boundaries, authoratative not authoritarian (project being confident in your decisions, clear fair consequences not arbitrary punishment). As well as increasing boundaries, increase positive time with you (playing a game, reading or whatever). Kids thrive with parents time even when the parents aren't brilliant and it sounds like you are fab. He's prime age to start a star chart or a pebble jar which will allow you to praise him for the behaviour you want and him to learn self control and delayed gratification. A small reward often works well. Maybe he could decorate the chart with you.

You're not a shit parent. It's all too easy to give in for a quiet life but if you keep plugging away gently but firmly with establishing boundaries you will get there.
Good hints are not having lots of sweets and treats in.the house, make a star chart, when 5 stars are on the chart on a Friday, its sweetie time!!
Something good to aim for, for being a good boy 🤩🤩

I think that the parents that give in a lot for an easy life when they are young end up with a much harder job. We put a lot of work in when they are young and now everyone thinks we have the good, easy kids. All of their cousins were able to get away with a lot more and now their parents are paying for it big time.

Firstly you are a wonderful parent and , as others say, be kind to yourself, It’s not always an easy time parenting toddlers and preschoolers and each child can have their ups and downs with meltdowns…, they just want to share the love!

Basically, I found it helped to “ fake it til you make it”. Try to jolly him into the routine wherever possible in multiple ways, and give choices and try to distract with silliness when he’s not a happy camper.

Tell him your basic routine,and draw pictures of each activity.

for example, x amount of screen time , then music & silly dance time to make it fun, then helping pack bag for tomorrow, bathtime, storytime , finally bedtime

You sit down with him and draw a picture of each part of the routine with a time next to it and put on wall. Point at each picture when it’s time to prompt him to do that part of routine

Make each drawing big, very basic and easy for him to identify and point to it when you’re ready for that activity. Say “ time for story time”. then point at the picture you put on the wall of a stick figure holding teddy and a big book next to them, with the word story time underneath . it’s
surprising how this simple picture reminder can help.

Giving lots and lots of choices within each routine . Help him to be happy with routines by providing choices within the basic routine ,
for example

“screen time finishes in 5 minutes , do you want this toy boat or that bath toy? bubbles or no bubbles? “
starting bathtime- time for bath in 5 minutes , do you want bubbles or no bubbles ?
bedtime - bedtime in 10 minutes, do you want this sort or the comic? Toilet/ hall light on or off ?

It will get better . It doesn't feel that way now you're in the thick of it and it's a massive shock for both of you, but it will.