Being a shit parent is so much easier than being a good one

[elephantonacid]

My son is 4 (just turned). Until abouut a week ago, I used to give in to him a lot, too many sweet treats, too much screen time, erratic bed times. I'm a lone parent and i settled into a 'no routine' routine, and whilst it made my life easier, I realised something needed to change and I needed to start being firmer and providing my son with more structure.

I'm absolutely kicking myself for not being better sooner, because it's so hard undoing it all. I told him tonight that if he didn't give me the pom bears back he wouldn't be having any Custard after dinner. He didn't give them back and lo and behold, when he didn't get his Custard he had the mother of meltdowns and I just feel like a rabbit in the headlights. I don't shout (ever), but don't know how to deal with his meltdowns.

Am I a shit mum? I just need some advice on basic parenting which I am embarrassed about. It was so easy until he turned 3.5 ish and I just didn't adapt to the changes in his personality and the fact that he was pushing boundaries more.

If anyone has any words of wisdom I'm all ears...

Definitely easy in the long run this way OP. The tantrums will be awful for a while as he's used to getting his own way and you giving in if he tantrums. Stay firm and consistent, and he will realise his tactics no longer work. I haven't found anything yet that wasn't worth an early investment of time when it comes to the DCs!

I agree with the PP who suggested clear times/rules for when he can have crisps or screens etc. For example, my DCs have an after school snack each day, but only get crisps once a week - it is known as 'Crisp Wednesday' (original names 'r' us! 😂). They don't pester on other days as they know it is futile, but are happy enough as they know they are guaranteed them on Wednesday. Similarly they need to do 10mins reading each day to earn screen time (the eldest also has to do 10mins timestables practise). This caused a few tantrums when we introduced it, but now they know the drill and get on with it without prompting. They have even learnt it is sensible to get it done in the morning if they wake early rather than leave it until after school.

Just want to echo what a lot of PP have said. You are the absolute opposite of a shit mum, you are amazing!!! Your son will absolutely respect you for this (even when a teenager) so keep going, even when you can’t be arsed… keep going!

Kids ultimately thrive on routine, decent sleep and good nutrition. He will never thank you but you will see the benefits for you and him.

Short term pain long term gain. You sound knackered and that's because you are doing things right.

Get yourself a nice bath and relax if you can. Just a little bit of me time.

I stomp around being a sergeant major much of the time. Nip it in the bud philosophy. You sound like you're doing great. I wouldn't worry if you feel you're only just changing things now, main thing is you're trying! 💐

You have hit the nail on the head! You are an amazing mum for choosing the harder option but will definitely benefit in the long run.

You are telling him that someone cares enough about him to put his safety and security above their comfort and that is a priceless lesson for life.

You are making him feel secure - that adults can be relied on to do as they say they will do, and that the world is a place where things are easy to predict and consequences are able to be relied on. The more often you do it, the less these boundaries will be tested and the more energy he will have to be able to put into higher level activity like learning.

As you might be able to tell, a lot of my work is working with children who never had this level of security.

Setting some boundaries now will also make it easier for him once he's at school, if he isn't already.

And, as PP have said, it will make it easier for you once he's older. And for him, in the long run.

Setting and sticking to boundaries is bloody hard work, but everyone benefits from the clarity.