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Original poster

Anyone sometimes regret having a second child?

61 replies

pevie · 30/01/2008 21:14

I know this sounds a bit controversial and I dont wish DD2 away now shes here!!! But it has been the toughest 9 mths of my life. We get very little sleep, she cries quite a lot of the time, rarely sleeps in the day and has had all sorts of health concerns which has taken us back and forth to hospital. Although DD1 had her ups and downs and i probably did enjoy motherhood much more after the first year, it wasnt anyway near as horrendous as this. I feel really sad about it all but feel my life has been stolen from me, DH and DD1 as we are so stressed, worried and sleep deprived all the time. I was undecided about having a second child as I had found the baby stage hard work but had reckoned that I would be less anxious this time (TBF if she had been like DD1 as a baby I probably would have been) and I also liked the idea of another little person growing up and giving us the joy DD1 has. But in the midst of all this anguish i wonder if we have done the right thing at times? I'm not sure how much more we can take!!! Sorry for moan, its all i seem to do these days.

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handlemecarefully · 30/01/2008 22:05

No not at all - now, but I am thinking I probably did feel like that from time to time when number 2 was a baby. It's hard work at that age. It gets so much better

Wotz · 30/01/2008 22:06

lulumama, she is wise and lovely, Iv'e had a quick peek and she's not around. She's usually on the childbirth threads and is a doula and I know her too.

Because you are low, run down and tired means depression can have a nasty way of sneeking up on you without knowing it. Antidepressants for PND are not bad IMHO.

The BF needs to be considered I know there are many opinions on here, but you have to consider that FF might be another way forward.

Mousie · 30/01/2008 22:06

2 years was me being blatantly honest - did get better month by month, just you get so cumalatively tired by it all.... we tried so many things - cranial osteopathy, dairy free diet, neocate (dairy free formula in the end) - so much stuff, in the end he grew out of his discomfort and also I did finally leave him to scream and scream and he sorted his sleep out a bit better after that - had to be utterly desperate to get to that point..
the above did all give some relief. I didn't get any "help" and really regret that in retrospect - I just felt I shoudl be coping and this was "normal". Now I look back and wish we had pulled out all the stops financially to give me a bit of time away from kids and getting some sleep. But retrospect is a wonderful thing. And sleep the key to it all... for me, anyway...

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handlemecarefully · 30/01/2008 22:08

And to echo other posters - my two love each other hugely and I am no doubt that they enrich each others lives (and ours)

Wotz · 30/01/2008 22:11

stay put pevie

Wotz · 30/01/2008 22:18

Sorry, need to do something.
pevie - how are are your dcs?

Lulumama · 30/01/2008 22:20

quick read and post
firstly, sounds like your GP dismissed you a bit quickly

PND can manifest up to a year or more after birth

feeling low is excacerabted by lack of sleep

you need to try to break things down into manageable chunks

go back to the GP and ask for help ! or see a different GP within the practice

being tearful, problems sleeping and feeling low, not looking forward to things, mood swings are all part and parcel of depression, and again with lack of sleep , will feel worse

get in touch with local surestart / homestart and get some help and support

if you can afford help in the house , get some !

see about addressing DDs sleep issues

PND is horrible, it is insidious and it is wearing, and it can fill you full of guilt for feeling like that about your life and oyur children

it is an illness, same as any other and needs treatment

can your DH go with you to the doctors? is your HV decent and approachable?

I have been there, and it sucks, but it can and does get better

and we are all here for you

Wotz · 30/01/2008 22:22

I love you lulu

Lulumama · 30/01/2008 22:23

re ADs

if you had an infection , you would take antibiotics? so why not take what will help?

it won;t stop all the things around you from happening, but it will allow you to be on more of an even keel and to cope better.

the chemical imbalance that is part of depression should be addressed with medication, to help get things back to a better footing

and several types are compatible with breastfeeding

Lulumama · 30/01/2008 22:25

my HV used to come round every week and have a cup of tea and a chat and see how i was doing. ask for help ! you might be pleasantly surprised

all the best

pointydog · 30/01/2008 22:26

No I don't regret it and never have. But, like you, found the first year of dd2's life very tough and similar to yours by the sounds of it.

It's a cliche but it will all improve one day

cory · 31/01/2008 08:17

Thankfully, I have found that things keep changing: the child that was difficult as a baby is not necessarily going to be difficult later on. It's almost like some ages are just wrong for a child. For my dd it was the early years. We're coping a lot better with the preteens, which can be tough going for lots of families, if mumsnet is anything to go by. So hang on in there; your second child may turn out to be a dream toddler.

laura032004 · 31/01/2008 09:45

Haven't read all the posts, so sorry if I'm repeating stuff.

I don't wish DS2 (now 19m) away either, and don't regret having him, but he is very hard work. He wants to bf all the time (hourly sometimes) whereas DS1 was down to 1-2 feeds per day at this age, still wakes between 3-6 times per night, cries a lot, is very clingy to me particularly..... DH is convinced that there is something wrong with him. I know there's not, it's just the way he is.

However, now he's older things are getting better. He no longer wakes hourly. The reflux has stopped (was being sick 40+ times a day) and he's generally a lot more cheerful. Now he can walk and play with DS1, he can be a joy at times.

I have PND. I had it after DS1, but this time I decided to take AD's. I started when DS2 was just over 6m old, and it was a great decision for me. I have no side effects, it hasn't affected bfing, and they help me cope with my life. I would think that people who don't know me well would think that everything is normal in my life. The AD's give me that leeway. Without them I don't think I could have gotten through the last 19m, so please don't rule them out completely if they are offered to you.

FWIW, my GP didn't think I should have AD's, but luckily I was referred to a mental health nurse whilst pg with DS2 because I'd had PND with DS1. Because she really took the time to talk to me (an hour each week or so) and understand me, she could see that there definitely was a problem, and made encouraged the GP to prescribe me AD's.

larahusky · 01/02/2008 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pevie · 03/02/2008 20:55

Oh God. Thank you, thank you. am sorry I didnt get back on but things are so up and down at times and my friend having a crisis so didnt get a chance. However, it does help a lot to hear your comments. A couple of things have made it difficult for me to acknowledge all my feelings, a.am in helping profession and so usually help other people cope with their children (albeit usually older children), and b.i always believed that we had a bit more control with children than we actually have, and so it has been incredibly difficult to accept that we cant always change the way they are.

Am due back at doctor so will mention how I'm feeling again, although am still reluctant. HV this time round doesnt really seem like she gives a monkeys, although she does answer basic questions. Her big answer to everything is CC, although we tried a version twice and it was too hideous to continue!!!!!

Right now every bone in my body is aching because DD2 wants carried around and rocked all the time and she has been more difficult to get to sleep or back to sleep (by rocking) She only lets DH do this occasionally if she knows I'm definately not in the house. Am due back to work end of month which is an added pressure although I have good boss who is quite understanding and will only be doing 2 days initially. May be best thing for us both who knows!!!!!!

Anyway thanks again for help and advice, will try to act on some of it.

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Original poster
pevie · 03/02/2008 21:26

Hope some of you are still around who responded to this thread as feel really bad about not responding for so many days!!!! Just bumping it again to say THANKS!!!

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Wotz · 03/02/2008 23:15

pevie - don't stress about it you have enough on your plate so I hope it gets better soon. You just have to convince yourself that whatever you do, there will be a turning point for the better soon.

Original poster
pevie · 04/02/2008 21:14

Thanks wotz. Am trying to convince myself it will get better soon although bizarelly she woke last night screaming her head off and scratching her face. Didnt settle for about 2 hours - even more hideous than usual. so will go back to doc and say please help once again.

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Original poster
pevie · 04/02/2008 21:16

Also thanks lulumama and everyone else for sage advice. thank god for mumsnet, would go mad otherwise.

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StressTeddy · 04/02/2008 21:19

I only have one ds and know that I won't have any more. I defo could not do this again. Too hard IMO
I'm sure things get better but I have to say that I don't think many people would have another if they had one quite like mine

love to you pevie - hope things get easier
keep talking to us

Original poster
pevie · 04/02/2008 21:24

Thanks stressteddy. I guess that is good thing about it happening second time round as you have your 2 lovely children by then. If this had happened first time round I would definately have stopped then and wouldnt have had lovely experience I've had with my DD1.

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vonsudenfed · 04/02/2008 21:25

I can't add much to all the wise people on here, but have you thought about cranial osteopathy for your dd? It turned our restless, non-sleeping wouldn't be put down dd into a laid back child - admittedly at an earlier age, but still. And a lot of other people on here have found it works. And it can't do any harm...

Also, when I was ludicrously tired with just one dd, I was advised to take magnesium and vitamin b supplements. It did help - although not as much as the anti-depressants I ended up with.

Lulumama · 04/02/2008 21:27

hope things work you

tiredemma · 04/02/2008 21:27

I accidently got pregnant with ds2 and tbh- it was touch and go whether I would actaully continue with the pregnancy. He was, to put it bluntly, a nightmare for the first two years and literally brought me to my knees in despair.

My God- I could never be without him in my life now- I often feel guilty for the times I was so frustrated with him as a baby.

The first two years were so difficult, it does get better. Really it does. I can remember so many arguments with DP ( mainly through sleep deprivation)- it was tough. It was awful. I can vividly see family members now so concerned about my health.

Ds1 was a 'perfect baby'- I couldnt believe the difference in ds2- I still say to this day that had I had ds2 first, I would probably have been steralised, he was awful.

DANCESwithaMuffinTop · 04/02/2008 21:31

I don't regret having my ds (2nd child) but the first year was SOOOOOOo hard and I was really unhappy. I always loved him but gawd I was so tired and miserable, now life is much, much better (he is three but it has been good for a while now!)
I do have to say though that one of my closest friends has only one child (the same age as my oldest dc) and sometimes I really envy how much simpler her life seems sometimes and how she doesn't have to listen to the squabbling and struggle to find food that they will both eat etc etc. Then I hear my two giggling, singing, planning and bossing each other around and I wouldn't change a thing