Can't be a parent anymore

[3nough]

I've just had enough!!

DD 2.5 has just finished me off and I can't do it any more. She hits me, kicks me, scratches me all day, she runs off, writes on walls and throws and breaks everything, she doesn't sleep, she has never slept, I haven't had a full night sleep in 2 years.

It's after 2 am, she awake still, I'm awake still. I have work tomorrow, I'm failing at my job because I'm so fucking tired but apparently that's not an excuse, I just have to keep fucking going.

H is fucking useless, she wakes up screaming, yet he can't deal with it ans has to drive for a job so it's down to me. Conveniently he doesn't hear her on thw weekends as apparently as a man he's not programed to. But even if he did hear her, it's my fault she is like this as I cuddles her too much as a baby.
He does all the housework now and cooking as she is too much for him to deal with, I tell him I'm struggling, he shouts at me and tells me I'm being stupid.
I have no family, mum passed away. MIL tells me I need to deal with it. Spoke to HV and she said it's normal toddler behaviour and not much to be done, just need to ignore her.

I'm done!!! I'm broken. I love my little girl to bits but she's destroying me and I don't know what to do.

If it is night terrors or extreme nightmares she will grow out of it. My daughter went through a phase of those too and it was horrendous.

I'm glad you got some rest. Do you do any classes or groups or have time with other mums of toddlers? I tried to keep that up on my non working days and it really helped women around to talk to about things.

They might be willing to prescribe melatonin which could help. My DD had night terrors, they weren't like this. If she settles better with you there it might be worth considering co-sleeping, got me through some particularly tough patches with a useless H. DD spent her first year never sleeping longer then 45 minutes, it was hellish.

Yeah we do swim lessons and toddler groups and also have friends woth similar aged children. It's helped with dealing woth the behaviour in the day as their toddlers also have tantrums and never listen.

However, no one has been through the night situation. I've known children to not sleep but settle in parents beds, can be soothed back to sleep, but never one that sounds like they are being murdered and then once settles will either stay awake for the rest of the night or have very disruptive sleep.

Stupid as it sounds I've bought her a new bed, that's bigger and more enclosed incase she feels exposed in her current bed. I'm willing to try anything now.

I've tried this thinking exactly the same, but she woke up screaming in my bed too, then she won't let me go near her when she's like it, gets off the bed and sits on the floor screaming, so even co sleeping isn't working 😔

Poor you op, this sounds horrible.

I would make a video of what she's like when she's kicking off, make a log of how she is across a week (wakes at 8pm, 2am, kicks and screams etc), present this to your hv or gp and spell out absolutely how hard it is and that you want help.

It definitely sounds at the hard end of normal or she might have something else going on that needs investigation.

With DH - I agree he's being a bit useless but you need to find a way to work together instead of accusation and resentment. It sounds like he has no confidence with her and thinks he does it all wrong, he's hiding his head in the sand and hoping it will go away.

I'd be finding time to sit and talk about how you feel about parenting and finding ways you could work together better, find books to read, he could find some activities to take her to at weekends so you get a break, and yes he does need to do more - at least one weekend night. But I think you'll find if you talk about it, he's really upset too and doesn't know what to do. You need to find solutions together. He's there and he's putting in the time with housework so I'd guess he's more scared and helpless than useless and selfish.

Find books, podcasts, blogs etc - anything that gives you more perspective on how toddlers work. How to speak so kids will listen is recommended on here often, I think there's a toddler version.

Good luck!

I remember just trying anything and everything.

The biggest thing you need is to get your OH involved in trying to help and support you. Even if he takes her out for a walk for an hour in the buggy before bed, or does bath, just so you get 45/60 mins to yourself at home in a day. That doesn't impact on his sleep for work but would help you.

Having space to gather your thoughts is so so necessary.

@3nough

There's help out there, look up your local families service in your area. Cuddling children does not lead to them kicking off and screaming as you describe.
Your husbands attitude stinks and he needs to step up and have DD at least one weekend night.

Your daughter is safe, happy and loves you, contact some services yourself and by pass the health visitor. They should always put you in touch with other agencies and the fact you asked and go no where is appalling.

Good luck OP

You got this!

How tough this must be

I'd make her bed time later, say 8 or 9, and let her scream it out

Nothing to lose as she screams and screams anyway

Some kids don't sleep if a parent is with them

At that age cuddling, singing and hugging her to sleep is counterproductive. Instead, have a night time routine and then leave

I have night terrors too and I am aggressive but I don't remember any of it in the morning. I start yelling and screaming and I guess I hit when people try to touch me or wake me.

If the aggression only happens during sleep there is no point of punishing her maybe just give her some space so she doesn't hurt you. See if there is any help out there for you.
If the agression happens during the day I suggest an immediate consequence that is fitting e.g a time out until she calms down. Make sure you are catching her when she is being good and praising her even if it's been a bad day.

Please don't do this 🥹

My oldest DC was like this. Solidarity- you're doing an amazing job on such little sleep.
DH was often away too so I had no back up much of the time.
DC seemed overly sensitive to a lot of things- really struggled with teething to the point that I would ready the syringes before I went to bed so when she woke screaming I would put it in straight away (when it was obviously teething related before anyone says I unnecessarily over medicated).
At one point it was a battle of wills and not teething related. It took me a week to get things back to a manageable level sleepwise.
We've also had the full on night terrors where she has woken crying and screaming. That has escalated into full on screaming tantrums that we weren't sure where the night terror stopped and tantrum began. It was awful. Lasted a couple of months and had us all at breaking point and on edge waiting for the nightly disaster.
We started Melatonin to re-establish sleep patterns and behaviors and the difference is unbelievable. Now DC is going to bed easier, sleeping better and no longer overtired it has all come together. The anxiety has been removed, they are better able to regulate their emotions and cope when things don't go as expected.

Its the same with us, either teeth, night terrors but sometimes just having a strop. It's worse in the winter as she goes to bed in the dark and wakes up in the dark, so when she wakes in the night I think she feels its the morning.

How did you get a health professional to take you seriously? Everyone I speak to seems to look at me like I'm being dramatic

We actually didn't go through our GP. We spoke to friends and family who are pediatric specialists as I was at complete breaking point and felt I was failing everyone.
I raised the idea of melatonin and they said at the correct dose it wouldn't hurt so we purchased online.
I was starting to wonder if we were dealing with the issues from chronic sleep or maybe something more. Family and friends both said start with the sleep and see where you are in 3m, 6m etc.
DC has always been more challenging, I just didn't realize how much more until our second arrived and was an absolute dream.
Have you taken any videos when you DD is completely losing it? This is what I used to show the extent of the behaviour.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so at the end of your rope. I’m not surprised, it sounds brutal. However:

your toddler will grow out of it, it is normal toddler behaviour, this stage will pass

your husband however.. he doesn’t have that excuse and sounds completely terrible. I don’t know what the answer is, but seems he is far more the problem than your toddler..

She didn't have one of her episodes last night, just a tantrum but still lasted over an hour, I just completely ignored it. I am going to record it the next time she has her full meltdown.
She has never slept. When she was newborn she would go from 11 at night till 5 in the morning awake, this did improve but she has never slept through. Had periods again where its gotten worse, but never as bad as this.
It's got to the stage now I cry daily and feel so anxious and panicky around 5ish as I know what I'm in for, it's like I sense of dread when the evening wears in.
I've spoken to HV, nursery and GP and no one at all seems to care, literally near breaking point and everyone just passes me onto someone else or tells me its a phase

@3nough did you specifically ask the gp to try melatonin?

I am sorry people are not being more supportive.

Maybe you can do a bit to start training her out of expecting you to be there all the time in the night.

Explain to her kindly that mum needs to sleep, she needs to sleep, so you will be doing things differently now. Do bedtime routine and leave. Go to her when she shouts for you, check everything is ok (she's not thirsty, wet, etc, and give her a hug. Then tuck her back in and leave her. You could then check on her after intervals (when sleep training at an earlier age we did a check after 5 minutes, then 10, then 15, then it would have been every 20 though it didn't normally continue that long).

Then you are giving a clear message; mum is here and she loves you but night time is for sleeping. Tell her that as often as you need, too.

I am still concerned there could be something medical going on but it might be worth a try.

Another one here who's kid didn't sleep the way kids are supposed to. Even as a newborn he slept about a third of what the books say a newborn needs, and toddlerhood... he never slept though until he was nearly 4... and then I kept waking because I was so used to waking so I was about a year trying to train myself to sleep properly after that.

But the video idea is an excellent one, let the GP and HV watch it right through to the end and then tell you it's just a phase!

If you could get your useless lump of a DH to bring her out for a walk in the buggy around 6pm the fresh air might knock her out, (plus you'd get a few minutes to yourself), along a dose of calpol and with pushing her bedtime later, you might get a stretch of sleep and If you can go to sleep at the same time as her, then go with that.

I've been where you are where I was so frazzled and stressed because of it. Lack of sleep is a torture technique, remember. So don't beat yourself up. You are doing your very best in extremely difficult unsupported circumstances.

I couldn't film it last night as although she had a tantrum it wasn't as extreme as one of the episodes she has.

I'm being stern tonight as I'm off work tomorrow, she's currently having a tantrum as she doesn't want to go to bed. I'm sitting and just ignoring her, then will praise her when she does go to bed.

Wish me luck.

Well just an update..

I decided to get really strict with routine and naps.

From Thursday I've made sure DD goes down in her bed for naps and let her sleep for as long as she wants (tends to be around 3 hours), and she's slept through. Bed time is not so much of a battle, she's not waking and the tantrums are far less then they where.

Would never of thought at her age she would still need a three hour nap, but I guess all kids are different.

Do you have a baby gate on her bedroom door? I would stop the Co sleeping right now for a start. Make her bedroom safe/remove toys/anything she can break etc, and move her in there when she is behaving like that and stay away from her, outside the gate. If it's night terrors she isn't aware you are there anyway, and if it's a tantrum she does need to learn you won't give her attention when she is behaving like that.

My son used to head butt the floor, so I used a travel cot in the living room to put him in during the day to ensure he was safe but not play into the behaviour.