I can’t do this anymore

[FranklyBoyle]

I can’t do this anymore. I have two children. An autistic 5 yr old girl and her sister who is 3. I don’t think the 3 year old is autistic but she likely is ND in some way. I don’t work. I was a teacher.

I hate my life. I can’t see a way out other than to go back to work full time and get a before and after school nanny. I’ve not done this yet as my autistic daughter is hard to care for and also is done in after school so we have tried to reduce stress on her.

We live with their dad who is helpful but has a shift job where the pattern and hours vary week on week. He can never do pick up or school drop off.

If I had one kid it’d be ok but the two of them and the dynamic makes it unbearable. I’m so tired of all the screaming and demands and the sibling dynamics. It’s hard to explain how awful it is. My autistic daughter can be lovely but at the moment she is upsetting her sister a lot and shouting a lot. She interrupts all the time and her sister gets so frustrated. She can’t communicate clearly which leads to so many issues. For example, her sister had taken her special teddy and the autistic daughter was so upset. I told the 3 year old to give it back otherwise she wouldn’t get any crisps. The 3 year old didn’t give it back so I said no crisps. We were in the car after school.
The autistic girl started screaming “give Jane the crisps” (not her real name). I thought she was saying this because she didn’t want Jane to have a tantrum (she hates the noise). In hindsight I realise it’s because she wanted the crisps and Jane normally gives her some. She has a different snack after school but Jane usually shares her crisps. But her communication is different so she couldn’t work out to say “can I have some crisps”. She screamed and screamed and screamed, kicked my seat, grabbed the hood of my coat as I was driving. She grabbed and hurt her sister’s arm. I almost crashed the car. She bit me when we got home. It was so awful. This is one example but it is like this a lot. I hate my life. I see the other families after school and the kids look so happy and like things are easier.

I’m so scared of getting a job. I was a pretty good teacher but not that experienced before I went on maternity leave for the second time and now haven’t taught in 4 years. I’ve lost all my confidence and my life is a wreck. Teaching is so intense and stressful and I honestly don’t know how I would do it and then come home to the shit show that is my life.

How can I change my life? I wish I had never had kids because it has destroyed my life but I have had kids and I can’t change that. Going back to work, finding appropriate childcare…it seems impossible. I wish I could just put her in breakfast club and after school club but she would not cope.

She doesn’t have an EHCP. I’m currently appealing a refusal to assess.

I know I sound utterly pathetic. Please don’t reply if you want to have a go. I feel so low

OP you are not a bad parent. I have a similar child and it's very hard for anyone without that experience to understand how draining it is being on high alert and constantly on edge. I don't have much time right now to post any useful advice but one thing I did was to literally do whatever made things easier in the evening. So for us, absolutely no homework for example. If peanut butter sandwiches in front of the TV every night works then bloody well do it.

I think you and your husband need to sit down and really think about if and how he can modify his job or his hours. Maybe you have already done this so apologies if I'm patronising you, but some work places will make "reasonable adjustments" for those employees caring for children with additional needs. Perhaps he could even look for another job. I do understand that this is not a simple thing to do and that perhaps financially it is not an option but if you were not around, he would have to work that out somehow. And if you head for a breakdown the he might well find himself in that situation.

You will probably find that with a bit more support and headspace, you may feel more able to approach the thought of getting back into work yourself which would ease the financial burden.

Anyway, I really do understand your situation and you are just burnt out and dealing with a shit storm that you never expected. I can tell you that a few years down the line and my child is 100 times easier to manage and things are so much better for us. They can be for you too, please don't despair.

Hyperlexia is often part of ASD OP, so don't be surprised if the three year old has ASD too.
Also it tends to run in families, might be way off the mark but have you considered that you might have ASD too? Just this made me wonder (but equally might not be) - 'That car journey yesterday really threw me and I find these things hard to process. My own childhood was stressful and I find all of the screaming triggering.'

Are you claiming all the benefits you are entitled to? For example, if you are on tax credits many with disabled DC find they are better if they switch to UC. Or they don’t realise they would be eligible for UC because the maximum income they could earn before no longer being entitled is often higher than they think when there’s a disabled DC.

Also, just quickly, something else that helped us after school was a very strict routine regarding TV/activities/meals etc, same every day and the meals written down for the week so my DC knew what to expect. It really helped.

I know that feeling of being overwhelmed by it all. I have three children, two with ASD and DH also has ASD.

It sounds like after school is a flash point so definitely make it simple around dinner options. Even prep the sandwiches before hand so that you do not have to divide your attention. I would speak to nursery about early pick up so that your 3 year old DD gets your attention and some food into her before you get dd1. It has always been that way round for my kids. 3 year olds are hard work when tired and hungry.

You need to try to build in something just for you in the day each day that brings you happiness and takes you to a different less stressful place. It does not have to be work, it could be going swimming, a woodland walk, a yoga class. Something that recharges your batteries and isn't about caring for anyone elses needs. This massively helped me, even if it was 10 minutes for me. I use the bathroom to shut myself in for a few minutes and regulate myself when it is hard, just washing my hands and using mindfulness can help.

www.mondaycampaigns.org/destress-monday/mindful-hand-washing

Insight timer also had some nice short meditations that I would sometimes listen to.

insighttimer.com/en-gb

And tapping also helped

www.thetappingsolution.com/blog/tapping-solution-app/

I would also recommend seeking therapeutic support, I have found IAPT talking therapy helpful in having someone to talk to about it all. In some areas you can self refer or go through the GP.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/

Sending a big hug 🤗 your way

It is so tough when you at home all the time. Could you advertise for a Mother's Help for helping you after school time for 2 hours a day? You could use the DLA and Carers Allowance to fund it. You could each look after 1 child each then. Possibly swap after 1 hour. Keep children in separate rooms and give good quality 1-1 play/care. Even 1 hour a day would take some pressure off of you. In your position I would probably look to go back to teaching 2 or 3 days a week so your children could get used to after school care. You might be able to find a childminder who would collect one child from school and care for until you could collect. That way you could focus on one child until say 4.30 then collect child from childminder. You could even see if childminder would collect one child on a Monday and other child Wednesday. Give each child a break from each other and make life a bit easier for you.

Is your daughter at a school that specifically caters for children with sn?

Could you do part time/substitute teaching in the hours they are in school?

OP’s DD1 is unlikely to attend a SS since she hasn’t got an EHCP.

Is there a way the 3 year old could go to nursery 3 full days a week instead of the same hours as her sister? Then you get one on one time with both of them and the 3 year old would probably find that easier.

@Choconuttolata thank you. It is always so helpful to hear from someone in the same position. I’ve had a good think and I’m going to reduce dd2s hours. It’ll make her happier and solve the problems of pick up. I feel that gut feeling you get when you’ve made the right decision.

ill try to take your advice although I am rubbish at making time for myself. But I will try. You speak the utter truth!

@jadedspark no unfortunately the school don’t want that but I’ve decided to cut her down to 15 hours a week and see how we go then. It’s what she wants and it feels right.

You didn’t used to need a qualification to be a primary school SENDCo.
Not sure if the rules have changed but you can be a primary SENDCo for up to 3 years without formal training.

@Verbena17 i think you do know. Or at least you should! And the SENCOs I’ve known and know now definitely don’t have flexible hours and I doubt I could walk into a senco job.

sorry! I meant now not know 🤦‍♀️

@Verbena17 is right, SENCOs don’t need to already hold the NASENCO. Unless they have worked as a SENCO previously they are required to achieve it within 3 years.

@Thatsnotmycar ah ok. Good to know. Although I don’t think any head teacher would employ me as a SENCO unless they were desperate! I haven’t worked in 4 years and wasn’t that experienced when I stopped. Might be something for the future but I’d have to establish myself in a school I think first and that’s a long way off.