I can’t do this anymore

[FranklyBoyle]

I can’t do this anymore. I have two children. An autistic 5 yr old girl and her sister who is 3. I don’t think the 3 year old is autistic but she likely is ND in some way. I don’t work. I was a teacher.

I hate my life. I can’t see a way out other than to go back to work full time and get a before and after school nanny. I’ve not done this yet as my autistic daughter is hard to care for and also is done in after school so we have tried to reduce stress on her.

We live with their dad who is helpful but has a shift job where the pattern and hours vary week on week. He can never do pick up or school drop off.

If I had one kid it’d be ok but the two of them and the dynamic makes it unbearable. I’m so tired of all the screaming and demands and the sibling dynamics. It’s hard to explain how awful it is. My autistic daughter can be lovely but at the moment she is upsetting her sister a lot and shouting a lot. She interrupts all the time and her sister gets so frustrated. She can’t communicate clearly which leads to so many issues. For example, her sister had taken her special teddy and the autistic daughter was so upset. I told the 3 year old to give it back otherwise she wouldn’t get any crisps. The 3 year old didn’t give it back so I said no crisps. We were in the car after school.
The autistic girl started screaming “give Jane the crisps” (not her real name). I thought she was saying this because she didn’t want Jane to have a tantrum (she hates the noise). In hindsight I realise it’s because she wanted the crisps and Jane normally gives her some. She has a different snack after school but Jane usually shares her crisps. But her communication is different so she couldn’t work out to say “can I have some crisps”. She screamed and screamed and screamed, kicked my seat, grabbed the hood of my coat as I was driving. She grabbed and hurt her sister’s arm. I almost crashed the car. She bit me when we got home. It was so awful. This is one example but it is like this a lot. I hate my life. I see the other families after school and the kids look so happy and like things are easier.

I’m so scared of getting a job. I was a pretty good teacher but not that experienced before I went on maternity leave for the second time and now haven’t taught in 4 years. I’ve lost all my confidence and my life is a wreck. Teaching is so intense and stressful and I honestly don’t know how I would do it and then come home to the shit show that is my life.

How can I change my life? I wish I had never had kids because it has destroyed my life but I have had kids and I can’t change that. Going back to work, finding appropriate childcare…it seems impossible. I wish I could just put her in breakfast club and after school club but she would not cope.

She doesn’t have an EHCP. I’m currently appealing a refusal to assess.

I know I sound utterly pathetic. Please don’t reply if you want to have a go. I feel so low

I use screens a lot too and unashamedly. My 3 year old is not that into the tv unfortunately - to my horror!

I think that despite everyone’s advice and kindness, no matter how full my cup, when things go wrong with a 5 year old autistic child and a 3 year old possibly also with additional needs it is so very stressful that it can cause major stress in me that often doesn’t dissipate before the next stress. It’s something that you can’t plan for or avoid to a certain extent. I try relentlessly but I can’t control what happens in school and after school is the main issue. Getting ready in the morning is hard but doable.

I’m going to look for a job at least part time as I think it will help me.

Can you explain a bit more about your pick up routine to see if anyone can suggest something to make that part easier for you? It sounds as though that is the trigger for things being difficult because you say when you are home it's better?

Who do you pick up first and at what times? How do you get from one location to the next?

@KeepDoing thank you. He does wfh some days buy unfortunately has meetings at drop off and pick up times. Today he had an unusual shift though so he did so drop off (which is why I could post here!!). He can sometimes do pick up but never has as it’s pretty impossible to get back for his meeting in time. Although he is today as I have to do a speech and language thing. So he is there and is supportive. I’m not in that shit place where lots of women find themselves I think - feel lost confidence at not working for a few years and earning power less than my husbands. So especially things being as they are right now we need his full time salary.

@Sunshinegirl82 i pick up the 5 year old first in the school office and then we walk to the nursery next door. Then we wait for 10 mins until nursery is finished. My eldest has a drink and a snack while we wait. All is generally ok unless my eldest has a problem. This is unpredictable - eg drink dribbles on her, workmen make a loud noise, her snack breaks, or something has happened at school. But generally it is ok. If it isn’t ok you can’t understand unless you have an autistic kid!

Then 3 year old comes out usually in a crappy mood. She dashes out to the play area and they play for a few minutes. I try to .give her food/drink.

I try to limit play for 5to 10 minutes. This can be hard. Then we walk down a path to the car. This can be hard as they have very different “paces” but I try to make it fun.

get in car and drive home.

issues come I think often from the 3 year old provoking her sister.

@KeepDoing that should say “I am in that shit place”!!

Ok, I'm just thinking of ideas, appreciate they might be rubbish or not work!

Is there any possibility that you collect 3 year old first and she has 15 mins in playground etc and a small snack. Then you collect 5 year old, walk straight to the car and give them both an (identical?) snack in the car? Perhaps the waiting after school is too much for your 5 year old and your 3 year old needs to acclimatise from being out of nursery before they are together? Will also give her a bit of time before she has to "share" you with her sister if that makes sense?

Does your 5 year old find ear defenders helpful? Or maybe listening to music or an audio book with noise cancelling headphones?

Maybe make the snack up in Tupperware so there is less chance of something going wrong?

Does your 5 year old have a chill out space she can go to after school to decompress? A tent or safe space? Does she find that helpful?

I wonder if they are both a bit overwhelmed from a sensory perspective when they both come out and that's partly behind it being challenging.

I'm sorry if this is stuff you've already tried or is unworkable, just trying to think if there is anything practical that might make things easier!

From a work perspective, I completely understand wanting to get back into teaching but would something like volunteering be an option as an initial "toe in the water" way to returning to work? So you can rebuild some confidence? Again, just an idea!

@Sunshinegirl82 thank you 😊 I appreciate you doing that. I think picking up the 3 year old first would be the best but she would have to leave nursery early and I’d have to talk to the school about that. But yes she needs time to decompress I think, more so than my other daughter who has a less stressful end to the day as she leaves her class early.

thanks for the other idea. I don’t know if you’ve heard of spoon theory but my eldest is sometimes out of spoons and then anything will set her off.

But no one can solve this. Yesterday it was pick up. Today I’ve been hit and screamed at because the telly stopped working. Now the three year old is screaming because she’s hungry while I try to make her cheese on toast because today quite frankly I don’t give a fuck about dinner.

Could a childminder collect one child (maybe alternate children) while you do the other and get husband to collect the second child from the childminder. That way you'd not have them together in the car. Or maybe a bigger car with split seats so they are away from each other. A small iPad each with a film on and headphones?

It’s not just the car. Often the car is fine. It’s just French something else. The only solution is to take one kid and move in with my elderly mother but my husband thinks this is ridiculous.

That should say other days it’s something else. It’s hard having a 5 and 3 year old anyway. It is brutally shit if you’re also dealing with additional needs with zero family help and a husband with a really fucking inflexible job.

I totally get it, in our house the 3.5yo who is currently having a screaming tantrum is much harder than the 5yo who is autistic but the dynamic is awful and hard. Frankly in terms of social development it’s like having two preschoolers.

They don’t go to school and ironically I actually think that makes it easier. School timing, rules, etc add a lot of stress and often they mask there and you get it all at home.

I don’t have any answers but sending solidarity

@Hoowhoowho hello. You get it. Sending solidarity back. You are spot on that the school days are worse. Are you home schooling?

Oh, completely get that some days it doesn't matter what you, you'll have a bad day but maybe worth trying for a month and seeing if it reduces the frequency?

You sound worn out OP. Another option might be someone like a mother's help? Someone who can be there with you to be an extra pair of hands?

This sounds so tough. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Some great suggestions on here.

Just wondering if your husband fully understands the toll this is taking on you and can he really not help out more? Has he had the conversation with work? It’s not fair that it’s all on you.

Yes he does understand but what can he do? Change his job? He can change his hours so they’d be regular but it would cost several thousand pounds as his salary is uplifted for the unpredictability. We don’t have much money. Plus it’s my job to look after them surely as I don’t have a job.

a mothers help maybe but how much is that?

I think I need go lower my expectations…they d had cheese on toast and peanut butter sandwiches in front of the telly and maybe I do that every school day. Normally I try to cook proper food and do some homework with my eldest but fuck that.

You don’t sound pathetic at all!
You sound like all other SEND parents who’s finding life really tough going right now.

Be more kind to yourself.
Have you considered slightly changing your career so you’re not in a class all week? For example, a SENDCO? Or a home tutors for a national company such as Go Student? You work from home, setting your own working hours.
Or even working from home working for an online schooling company, like Interhigh for example.

I hope you get your EHCP assessment sorted.

If cooking dinner is adding to the stress make it super easy stuff and feel no guilt.

• beans on toast with a fried egg.
• pasta, peas and a ready made sauce.
• Toasted sandwiches plus a piece of fruit or easy raw veg (a carrot each, some cucumber, a few spoons of tinned sweetcorn).
• omelette and toast.
• leftovers reheated in the microwave - trying to save money at work has taught me that spaghetti bolonaise frozen in portions with the pasta reheats very well.
• quick pasta or gnocchi with a carbonara style sauce (fry an onion and some bacon bits, add cooked pasta and some cream. Don’t tell any Italian friends about the cream).
• Frozen fish, chips in the oven plus peas.
• ham sandwich and easy raw veg/piece of fruit.

Adapt it to whatever your girls will eat. You absolutely do not have to cook proper meals from scratch every night. Aim for a carb, a source of protein and a vegetable and it’s pretty well balanced to be honest. You want a reasonable diet over the entire week, it doesn’t matter if they eat ham sandwiches 3 times and cheese toasties twice.

@TeaAndJaffacakes everything adds to the stress. It is stress. Everything is stress. My autistic daughter is very specific in what she will eat so easy dinners are literally going to be peanut butter sandwiches, beans not touching any toast, cheese on toast possible etc

yiur list sounds great for a normal family but my daughter would not eat any of it!

It is plain pasta only in this house.

@Verbena17 thznkz for those names. I’ll look into it. I’d love to be a senco but it’s be school hours and I don’t have the qualification

I wish I wasn’t a SEND parent or indeed a parent at all. If only there was a way to tell my girls not to have kids so they don’t ruin their lives too.

To be fair they are playing nicely together in the bath for once. It’s not all bad. That car journey yesterday really threw me and I find these things hard to process. My own childhood was stressful and I find all of the screaming triggering.