Can't be that hard if people do it over and over...right?

[VeronicaFranklin]

So I'm a FTM to my DD who is almost 5 months, who I love to bits (disclaimer).

However I am finding parenting such a challenge...and I expected it to be hard...
I was warned about the sleep deprivation, the lack of ever having a hot cup of tea ever again, it taking a while to settle into life as a new mum etc. So all of that I felt prepared for. Luckily DD is a fairly easy baby now and does sleep well so I have no complaints.

It might sound daft but I wasn't quite prepared for the overwhelming sense of responsibility since having her, the fact I would worry constantly and my mind never be able to really switch off...being unable to enjoy any of the things I used to like when she goes down to bed, not being able to concentrate on my fav tv shows or read a bit of a book. I literally find it all consuming, which I guess is what you sign upto as a parent, but I look at some of the people I know who have 3/4/5 kids and just think, how on earth have you managed it over and over again and to make it look so effortless/easy?! Am I doing something wrong?!

Maybe I'm over thinking it all...although I would love a sibling for DD I just cannot imagine going through all this over again!

It just seems to come so naturally to some people...where as I kind of feel like I'm just winging it hour to hour tbh and it feels like I'll never really settle into it!

I'm 8 years on and still haven't wanted to do it again! Most people do seem to have another though and it's still pretty early days for you.

Yup...that's what it's like. The worry gets a bit better when they're give or so, then as they head into their teens you realise you can't protect them from the world, which is just depressing. Enjoy the baby stages, they're hard but you really miss them once all the endless drama of school and activities and friends kicks in.

I think some people just worry less.

Everyone I know who has a bigger family also has a very low-anxiety/ chilled out personality. All good parents, so they worry enough, they just don't worry excessively.

I think for most people it gets easier with time (when they're not so little and delicate).

Depends on your child. Some are harder than others. I always think it’s those who have easy births and easy babies and lots of support who want to do it again. Whereas anyone like me who’s suffered permanent physical injury, PND, hallucinations due to lack of sleep, and has a very needy baby with virtually no support, definitely does not want to go through that again!

Honestly, I found it actually got less all-consuming when I had more than one! Because that intense, 24/7 focus on one kid just can't happen, you're already splitting your focus so it's much easier to split it a little bit more and carve out a bit more space for yourself!

I remember that feeling. Being in a pub or restaurant and being struck that I couldn't relax any more. I think you just gradually get used to it....Its so different to what you expect though.

I'd never considered looking at it from this perspective but it makes sense. I really hope in time I'll feel better about it because I would love for DD to have a sibling.

I have twins, and will never do it again. The worry in the early months and my quest for perfection was intense, but really their toddler years are what’s sealed it for me - I never want to live through those again!

I think if I’d had a good career that would’ve paid for childcare so I didn’t have to be a sahm, masses of family support and was just better at being a mother I’d have had more kids.

I remember being desperate to get out of the baby stage and looking forward to them being 2-3, then once they were there I looked back at the baby stages and thought it was a piece of cake. So, if I am ever going to have more it will probably be once the horror of toddler years are in the distant past rather than only 18 months ago 😄

So sorry your experience has been such a difficult one. I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to go through that again, sounds awful!

Erm yup currently day dreaming with rose tinted glasses about DD getting to the toddler stage...I'm not loving the baby stage! I'll pop those glasses back in the case then, sounds like toddlers are a nightmare!! Yay!

Took me a good 3 years or more to settle into having a child! First year was the worst though.

Just had my 4th and I have genuinely found it easier every time (except logistically). With your first you are learning what works for you and it’s a real challenge. Poor number 4 over here has just had to slot in, I sometimes forget he’s there because the others are demanding my attention! Although I agree with the PP who said some just worry less, I suspect I am one of them. I tend to be an optimist

Not true I'm afraid, I've had some really hard times parenting and I still find it hard but I'm on my 4th. It doesn't get easier but you do learn to cope better, each baby teaches me something new about myself. It's a challenge but you get stronger each time I think. I've seen it all so I don't get as phased anymore. I think if I only had one I'd probably still be sweating over things that just don't matter when you're juggling 3 or 4. It's like that book the squash and a squeeze, make things harder and then suddenly a small break feels like a breeze in comparison.

It does get easier the second time. My second time was twins. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat

Thank you think gives me some hope. I think I am a bit of a pessimist who would describe themselves as a realist haha! So perhaps I need to do some work on myself to be less of a worrier and try to be more laid back and that might help me relax a little.

I have 2 DC, a 4 year old and a 10 month old and it is definitely easier in some ways with 2 like PP said as you aren't focused on just the one baby. Also, it's amazing how much more relaxed you are the 2nd time round, everything is easier, I feel much less stressed if we're out. I remember going to restaurants with DC1 and feeling on edge in case she cried etc, but the 2nd time round you just know how to handle it better. I guess it's experience and confidence

People tell me I am a natural mother, took to it like a duck to water etc. I must fake it well. There is a reason I have one and only one. I look at people who have 4/5 and I'm not sure if I'm full of admiration or think they've lost their minds.
I've never felt like I lost myself more than in that first year. Pregnancy was horrific festival diabetes, PGP and a torn sacroiliac ligament meant I could barely walk by the end and my mum told me I looked shell shocked when she visited the day after i gave birth (she didn't tell me until much later). DS didn't reliably sleep through until he was nearly three. He's now a delight for periods and then seems to regress into a tantrumming tyrant, in not sure I remember what it's like to tell really refreshed and well rested, between him and a very stressful high stakes job in the public sector.

I preferred the toddler stage. But then I had a baby that didn't want to sleep anywhere but on a person whereas I had a very cautions toddler who walked a bit late, was never trying to climb things and rarely had tantrums.

I've enjoyed each year more than the last so far (disclaimer - not got to the teenage bit yet!) and I've never had any interest in going back to the baby bit!

I think some people naturally worry and others don't. I found DS just slotted into my life very easily (I even took him backpacking to six countries when he was 4-6 months old without issue) but I don't really worry in general and had no preconceived ideas of what motherhood would look like so I never really felt stressed or like I was failing, if that makes sense? As long as he was alive at the end of the day I'd done my job.

You're not doing anything wrong, it's just really hard at first as you're adjusting and it's massive. It really does get easier over time. For me ten months was a real turning point and we tried for another when ds was a few months shy of 3. Got 2 now and definitely done!

This post has really brought back memories for me! I relate to so much of what you say and remember wondering how I would ever have room in my head for anything other than DD. I remember wishing I could have a break but also feeling like being physically away from the baby didn’t really ever feel like a break as I was still constantly thinking of the next thing for her. I used to wish I could go and spend some time in my own head before I had a baby, to have a rest from the stress of being a mum!

But I have good news - I don’t feel like that anymore! Things that helped were:

1. sleep - I know you said your DD is a good sleeper but mine was not… she’s great now though. But the knowledge that, illness aside, when she goes to bed I won’t hear from her til morning really helps me to use my brain for other things
2. stopping BF. I fed her til she was 1 and then we mutually stopped. Getting away from feeling like she was physically dependent on me in that way was huge
3. going back to work - just helped me practice the art of not focusing all my energy on the child! Sometimes I would even focus solely on work and not be thinking about her in the background!
4. hormones settling down - I think this was a big part of it for me, it all just felt very primal and like I didn’t have a lot of control over the way I felt, but it eased off with time with my hormones returning to a normal rhythm
5. time! This is probably the biggest thing. DD is going to be three in the next couple of months. I have enjoyed the toddler stage (so far) a million times more than the baby stage. She feels less like a stressful job and has become just another a member of my family - my favourite family member, and someone I absolutely love spending time with. But whilst she is labour intensive in the way that all toddlers are, she doesn’t feel like ‘work’, if that makes sense. As a baby she felt like a stressful (but very cute) job. As a toddler she is more flexible, she has other relationships outside just me that nurture and nourish her (of course she’s still a mummy’s girl), and she is so much fun. Time has also helped me see how much of her is nature, not nurture. She is the most wonderful little thing but her personality was clear from being a baby, and so I can’t take too much credit for how fantastic she is. It’s helped me learn that she is resilient and will be who she is possibly in spite of me, rather than because of me, and that reduces some of the anxiety about the responsibility, for me.

I do still often feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all, and worry like all mums do. But I have room in my brain for other things. I genuinely felt like I could barely focus on anything other than her when she was a baby. It was a horrible feeling! But it really has gone and the reason I’ve written such a long post is that your OP was such a strong reminder of that feeling - one that was completely consuming for a time, but that I had also totally forgotten about! And I can confirm that it has been loads easier the second time around. I have a 7m old DD2 and it’s not always been easy but it’s been so much easier than the adjustment to having my first.

Oh, opening poster, you have a long hard road ahead of you 😁. Daughter is in her 50's and I worry about her every time she isn't at home. Has she had an accident? Has she been attacked?

I'm not a natural worrier, but it seems my mind (independently) makes an exception for her.

I love that she mainly works from home now. It means I don't have to worry about her driving on two motorways on her way home.

I'm lucky because she understands my worry comes from love, so she indulge s me by texting me when she arrived somewhere and when she leaves, so I know when to expect her.

It's just experience un my opinion. I remember never wanting to leave my 1st. No one could look after him like I could. I felt I had a lot to prove (teen mum) now I have 4th on the way I've got the babysitters planned. You know more you have more opportunities of practise, however I am still crapping myself as i know how hard its going to be. My toddler is absolutely fucking immense. However if its stopping you enjoying life. There is something called post partum anxiety as (most just know about depression) it might be worth you looking into that?

Absolutely this. With DD1 she was the centre of my entire world and I lived and breathed her. I had DC2 when she was 8 then DC3 when she was 11 and I'm less overwhelmed by it all, but also a little more stressed (meeting all their needs at all times is impossible). Swings and roundabouts though, I'm an only and absolutely wanted my DC to have siblings to share the emotional burden of looking after me in my dotage and also so their kids have cousins and basically a family!

You took him backpacking - that's amazing! I mean I love travel and dream of taking DD on little adventures so hopefully in time this will be me! Hats off to you!