Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Can't be that hard if people do it over and over...right?

31 replies

VeronicaFranklin · 13/11/2022 20:12

So I'm a FTM to my DD who is almost 5 months, who I love to bits (disclaimer).

However I am finding parenting such a challenge...and I expected it to be hard...
I was warned about the sleep deprivation, the lack of ever having a hot cup of tea ever again, it taking a while to settle into life as a new mum etc. So all of that I felt prepared for. Luckily DD is a fairly easy baby now and does sleep well so I have no complaints.

It might sound daft but I wasn't quite prepared for the overwhelming sense of responsibility since having her, the fact I would worry constantly and my mind never be able to really switch off...being unable to enjoy any of the things I used to like when she goes down to bed, not being able to concentrate on my fav tv shows or read a bit of a book. I literally find it all consuming, which I guess is what you sign upto as a parent, but I look at some of the people I know who have 3/4/5 kids and just think, how on earth have you managed it over and over again and to make it look so effortless/easy?! Am I doing something wrong?!

Maybe I'm over thinking it all...although I would love a sibling for DD I just cannot imagine going through all this over again!

It just seems to come so naturally to some people...where as I kind of feel like I'm just winging it hour to hour tbh and it feels like I'll never really settle into it!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Original poster
VeronicaFranklin · 13/11/2022 23:09

AnnaTortoiseshell · 13/11/2022 22:10

This post has really brought back memories for me! I relate to so much of what you say and remember wondering how I would ever have room in my head for anything other than DD. I remember wishing I could have a break but also feeling like being physically away from the baby didn’t really ever feel like a break as I was still constantly thinking of the next thing for her. I used to wish I could go and spend some time in my own head before I had a baby, to have a rest from the stress of being a mum!

But I have good news - I don’t feel like that anymore! Things that helped were:

  1. sleep - I know you said your DD is a good sleeper but mine was not… she’s great now though. But the knowledge that, illness aside, when she goes to bed I won’t hear from her til morning really helps me to use my brain for other things
  2. stopping BF. I fed her til she was 1 and then we mutually stopped. Getting away from feeling like she was physically dependent on me in that way was huge
  3. going back to work - just helped me practice the art of not focusing all my energy on the child! Sometimes I would even focus solely on work and not be thinking about her in the background!
  4. hormones settling down - I think this was a big part of it for me, it all just felt very primal and like I didn’t have a lot of control over the way I felt, but it eased off with time with my hormones returning to a normal rhythm
  5. time! This is probably the biggest thing. DD is going to be three in the next couple of months. I have enjoyed the toddler stage (so far) a million times more than the baby stage. She feels less like a stressful job and has become just another a member of my family - my favourite family member, and someone I absolutely love spending time with. But whilst she is labour intensive in the way that all toddlers are, she doesn’t feel like ‘work’, if that makes sense. As a baby she felt like a stressful (but very cute) job. As a toddler she is more flexible, she has other relationships outside just me that nurture and nourish her (of course she’s still a mummy’s girl), and she is so much fun. Time has also helped me see how much of her is nature, not nurture. She is the most wonderful little thing but her personality was clear from being a baby, and so I can’t take too much credit for how fantastic she is. It’s helped me learn that she is resilient and will be who she is possibly in spite of me, rather than because of me, and that reduces some of the anxiety about the responsibility, for me.

I do still often feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all, and worry like all mums do. But I have room in my brain for other things. I genuinely felt like I could barely focus on anything other than her when she was a baby. It was a horrible feeling! But it really has gone and the reason I’ve written such a long post is that your OP was such a strong reminder of that feeling - one that was completely consuming for a time, but that I had also totally forgotten about! And I can confirm that it has been loads easier the second time around. I have a 7m old DD2 and it’s not always been easy but it’s been so much easier than the adjustment to having my first.

Thank you so much for your detailed reply, it has really helped give me some perspective. It's also great to hear someone else felt like this, I was certain there must be other mums that have felt like this... but rarely talk about it as unfortunately I think a lot of new mums nowadays feel like they can't admit to struggling with anything due to instantly being labelled as having PND when in some cases it's just that's it's a massive adjustment to your life and it's bloody hard!

It's great to know it improved over time for you and I feel like it will for me too, it's also reassuring that you're feeling it's much easier second time around.

OP posts:
Original poster
VeronicaFranklin · 13/11/2022 23:15

Ragingoverlife · 13/11/2022 22:26

It's just experience un my opinion. I remember never wanting to leave my 1st. No one could look after him like I could. I felt I had a lot to prove (teen mum) now I have 4th on the way I've got the babysitters planned. You know more you have more opportunities of practise, however I am still crapping myself as i know how hard its going to be. My toddler is absolutely fucking immense. However if its stopping you enjoying life. There is something called post partum anxiety as (most just know about depression) it might be worth you looking into that?

Thanks for your reply, congratulations on your 4th!

I generally enjoy DD, It's more the adjustment to parenthood I think! But I will keep and eye on the PP anxiety side of things incase I think it develops further.

OP posts:
Original poster
VeronicaFranklin · 13/11/2022 23:17

user1471453601 · 13/11/2022 22:18

Oh, opening poster, you have a long hard road ahead of you 😁. Daughter is in her 50's and I worry about her every time she isn't at home. Has she had an accident? Has she been attacked?

I'm not a natural worrier, but it seems my mind (independently) makes an exception for her.

I love that she mainly works from home now. It means I don't have to worry about her driving on two motorways on her way home.

I'm lucky because she understands my worry comes from love, so she indulge s me by texting me when she arrived somewhere and when she leaves, so I know when to expect her.

Oh gosh, you must be exhausted with all that worry.

It's nice your daughter recognises your concern is out of love and helps to reassure you.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
paintitallover · 14/11/2022 16:25

I think that twins is more difficult than two different age toddlers.

But if you're struggling, make sure you don't get yourself too high standards. Take help when you can. All tricky phases come to an end. And even a baby can't have all the attention they would like.

Calphurnia88 · 14/11/2022 16:37

@VeronicaFranklin I have an 8mo and can completely relate to how you are feeling, every word of it.

I've found a lot of the replies very reassuring, so thanks for posting x

Oneofthosewsillydays · 14/11/2022 17:10

I swore I wouldn't go through it again, and that dc1 would be an only child. Acouple of years later however, I felt somebody was missing; there was a gap for another little person. There was a bedroom that called out to be occupied, and I had fantasies of two little ones running down for Christmas, two at the breakfast table, two to pick up from school. Did I want to go through it all again? Absolutely not!! I did however know having had one, that it passes and even though it seems like an eternity when you're in it, it is short . The years to come are long and I wanted to have no regrets. A third child however gives me chills!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread