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Original poster

Don’t want MIL around my baby. **Content warning added by MNHQ: theme of abuse**

63 replies

NJT1993 · 09/11/2022 18:59

As shocking as this is, my MIL is currently dating (apparently engaged) to a man who recently was released from prison after serving time for sexually abusing his ex partners daughter - she was 11 at the time and the abuse happened monthly for over two years.
He admitted his guilt in court as he was caught admitting it during secret filming.
My MIL and grandma to our 8 month old little boy doesn’t seem phased by his horrific actions and has made the decision to move in with him now he has been released.
In my opinion she is clearly somewhat unstable if this is the partner she is choosing and I don’t trust either of them.
If you were in my position what would you do in terms of letting her see her grandson?
I know she hasn’t committed the offences but I feel she is complicit in his disgusting actions.
Any advice would be much appreciated, and legally where do I stand in terms of her not having access whilst she is with him?

OP posts:
qwerdi · 09/11/2022 19:47

Men like him target vulnerable or gullible women for relationships so that they can get access to children. End of.

Therefore no contact, no photos, no information about your child should be shared with her.

She is an adult and needs to understand her actions have consequences. If she chooses him, she should no longer have your child in her life.

Trees6 · 09/11/2022 19:49

Crikey her self-esteem must be at rock bottom if she thinks she can’t do better than a sweaty nonce. Anyway, that’s her problem. I’d advise having nothing to do with her. Be slightly wary if she tells you that she’s finished with him too - she may be lying.

Slothsandspiderman · 09/11/2022 19:50

If he has been convicted then he will be on the sex offenders register - I presume one of the conditions will be not to be with children.

If he breaches this he could find himself back behind bars.

I would be saying a firm NO to her, even if he is not around I wouldn’t be able to trust her. The sex of the child he offender against has no bearing on the matter. He offended against a child.

If she causes problems I would report to the local police and this will be forwarded to their sex offender management team that should pay them a visit and make them aware of any consequences to their actions.

alexdgr8 · 09/11/2022 19:52

why on earth are a few people saying let her see him at your house ??

Greenshake · 09/11/2022 19:56

If he has recently been released from prison, it’s highly likely he is on licence. I would imagine that there will be a corresponding licence condition barring contact with U18’s unless the parent/guardian is present and/or has had disclosure re the crime. If he breaches it, he will be recalled to custody.

H34th · 09/11/2022 19:59

How did she meet him?

lunar1 · 09/11/2022 20:01

She wouldn't be seeing my children, i think it would give me nightmares. I'd worry that if I allowed contact at my home it would set a precedent and there may be a push to increase the contact.

Greenshake · 09/11/2022 20:03

Plus this would definitely trigger a Childrens Services notification from the offenders Probation Officer.

BandleHarHarHar · 09/11/2022 20:03

You don't need to discuss this with anyone else or see their point of view: the MiL's BF is an abuser so you can't let your son near either of them, ever. It's too dangerous.

If you're worried about legal implications, don't. The MiL has no natural right to see the child and even if she did, and tried to take it to court, she'd get nowhere.

MGee123 · 09/11/2022 20:05

God no. Do not let her or this man near you or your child. If she can't see the risk it poses she shouldn't be involved with you either. Hugely sad but she needs to make better decisions.

parsniiips · 09/11/2022 20:11

Neither of them would be having any contact with my child.

ZforZebra · 09/11/2022 20:12

No contact at all - and also wouldn’t be sending her photographs of my child in case her partner has access to them and they end up being shared on paedophilia websites.

Flopsy145 · 09/11/2022 20:20

Yeah absolute hard no, she would be out of my life and no contact.

Nanny67 · 09/11/2022 20:24

If he was caught, tried, convicted and jailed for a sexual offence he will be on a register. You could get advice from 101 but I should think that he wouldn't be allowed around children now.

Gemmanorthdevon · 09/11/2022 20:24

I'm afraid that you don't even have a choice.

If social services/probation found out he was living with her, who had anymore than tightly supervised contact away from him, you would find yourself getting spoken too. He will will likely be supervised for the next few years and his relationships, living arrangements employment etc will all be looked at closely. They will have to risk assess every bit of him and whoever is around him.

That's probably enough for most of us to say " better safe than sorry" 😊

Good luck.

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/11/2022 20:24

I wouldn't let her see your child now but because she has shown what her morals are like, then even if she dumped the guy I wouldn't change my mind. She's blown her chances.

YouOKHun · 09/11/2022 20:25

qwerdi · 09/11/2022 19:47

Men like him target vulnerable or gullible women for relationships so that they can get access to children. End of.

Therefore no contact, no photos, no information about your child should be shared with her.

She is an adult and needs to understand her actions have consequences. If she chooses him, she should no longer have your child in her life.

^this. He’s seen her coming and probably told her it was a misunderstanding/miscarriage of justice and she’s believed what she wants to believe.

Not just zero face to face contact for her and your child at any location but no photos, access via social media to anything you post, no updates and no information sharing at all. I’d actually go low or no contact generally. She has no rights of contact as a grandparent.

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/11/2022 20:25

I feel so sorry for your husband. It must be really horrible having such a terrible mother.

MadeForThis · 09/11/2022 20:28

You've made the right decision.

momonpurpose · 09/11/2022 20:30

She is just as bad as he is by being with him. You are doing the right thing. You are being a responsible parent and she should be ashamed of herself

badassbaby · 09/11/2022 20:35

NJT1993 · 09/11/2022 19:16

She has seen him 4 times, all very briefly and I have never ever let my LO out of my sight whilst she has been around.
She hasn’t seen him since August as I knew his release was imminent so I thought it was best to stop any contact.

That's a hard no from me.
Even if they split up...what kind of woman is she?
Horrific.

MarigoldMoonStone · 09/11/2022 20:38

Yuk no, I wouldn’t even be able to speak to her myself never mind let her be around my baby. What is she thinking?? What he did is totally unforgivable

Imnothereforthegiggles · 09/11/2022 20:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 09/11/2022 20:48

Your dc can't be around a person with no moral compass whatsoever..

Soakitup37 · 09/11/2022 20:48

Read your op and said to myself no no no no no

I wouldn’t even dignify it with a discussion. She’s made her choice and it’s one I would judge her for. Not for a million pounds under any circumstances, she’s directly linked to a convicted pedophile. How else can any possibly frame this to be reasonable!?

feel sick thinking of her being around tbh.