How can I get my toddler to be better at Sharing?

[M08my]

My 2yo dd isn't very good at sharing :(

She's been at nursery for over a year. She has a favourite armchair there and when another kid sits in it, she really kicks off... it's so bad that, we've seen teachers pre-emptively shoo a kid out of it when she arrives in the morning. Dd sometimes shouts "that's MY CHAIR" if they don't :(

We've recently started football lessons on a Saturday. It's great and generally she does all the activities fine. They have like a dozen footballs in a big net bag, and sometimes the kids have to put them back in the bag. Dd helps eagerly, collecting them all up, but then always reserves one at the end "this is MY BALL" and holds onto it. It's a bit embarrassing lol

Just trying to think of any other relevant details... she has a best friend at nursery and we have playdates outside nursery sometimes, and when it's at our house she usually lets him play with her toys, although she says stuff like "that's mine but you can play with it a little bit". (This morning it was Best Friend in the chair and that didn't stop DD kicking off!) We have another friend we see a lot with a younger dd; because that playmate is younger, they tend not to want to share anyway because they want different toys.

Basically can you wise mums tell me if this sounds normal, or does she really need to get better at sharing asap? Any advice for ways to help her learn? I don't want my dd to grow up selfish and horrid :( she's got good speaking and listening so maybe we could try and explain it to her, but I'm a bit at a loss. Thank you so much for your advice xxx

Ps the nursery manager tried removing the favourite armchair from the room entirely, but apparently DD just sobbed all day long for like a week, wandering around the room asking where her chair had gone (!) And finally they put it back.

I have no idea how to deal with this lol, I do not get toddlers at all 🙈

I don't know the latest trend on this, but when my two were that age it was recommended that you call it taking turns rather than sharing. Not sure why that's meant to be better.

I'm aware there is a trend that says children shouldn't have to share but personally I think that's bollocks!

Do you model turn taking/sharing at home with another adult. E.g. oh it's mummy's turn to sit in this chair/have this mug/whatever and next it will be Daddy's/Nanny's etc.

This is a great idea thank you so much (seems so simple, why haven't we thought of this, thank goodness for mumsnet)

Yeah my dh has his favourite mug and when dd sees me using it she says "That's Daddy's mug?!" So maybe we need to take turns using things at home. I'll definitely try this, thanks for this tip

Oh yes I'm definitely not in the camp that says kids shouldn't have to share. Really want dd to be better at sharing

I used the montisorri method. If something is available then you can have it but if someone else is already using it then you cant, and you also cant sit there staring at them/complaining/waiting for your turn. If someone else is using it then you go get something else instead of making them uncomfortable (or join a queue if there is one for a slide or something).

You have to be consistent and firm and they just grow up learning it. That hasn't been done here. It sounds like everyone panders to her and she gets what she wants when she wants it. That was a mistake. That's what needs to stop.
You'll have to go through a lot of horrible tantrums to undo this until she learns that you're not going to back down and she has to wait until things are available and then not hog them.the nursery also have to power through. No more shooing other kids out of the chair. She must be told, "no, it is not your chair. It is for everyone." You should also be telling her that when you drop her off.

You'll need to be tough. You've let her away with it for so long that you're not just teaching her to wait her turn, you have to first teach her to unlearn the selfish behaviour and then teach the sharing.

Taking turns is better than sharing and the nursery should be endorsing this imo, she sounds like she has a big personality and confident that is a good thing learning empathy takes time, talk to her about the chair say its the nursery chair and it's very nice chair but other children like it too hopefully it will sink in.

Well you said her age sorry !

The nursery are wrong as they are encouraging the behaviour rather than trying to stop it. The should be saying - no DD, Tom is sat in the chair, it's his turn now and you can sit in it later.

You need to share with her at home, take it in turns with her at home, so get a toy and say shall we play with this, and then make her take turns with it.

Do you have favourite chairs at home? Does Dad come home and say - get out of my chair DD or something like that?

Yes to modelling taking turns and really praise her when she does it well.

I’d be really annoyed at the nursery pandering to that extent though. They shouldn’t be shooing other kids out of the chair, effectively punishing them, and rewarding your DD’s behaviour. She’s never going to learn to take turns if they are teaching her the exact opposite. Sounds like they want an easy life but they’re not doing her any favours.

Yes I agree that nursery shouldn't be shooing other kids out, we were very shocked to see that. (So, thanks to the pp for saying that I'm teaching my kid selfish behaviour...! Seriously aggressive tone in that post. But hey ho, we are all doing our best) This morning I did say "it's J's turn in the chair" but she'd lost it and I had to leave and as i was leaving I saw he'd voluntarily got out of the chair for her.

I don't have much control over how nursery chooses to deal with the chair thing.

Do you allow her to get her way at home ? It's easily done but you maybe need to have a look at how you treat her. She is only 2 so young and her speech might be advanced but her understanding won't be so model behaviour and no long winded explanations she will zone out.

There really is no point in getting angry about replies.

She is showing selfish behaviour. She has learned that from somewhere, most likely because no one had ever taught her that she cant always get what she wants. As evidenced by the chair which both you and the nursery have just allowed. You hear her shout "that's MY chair" and you're embarrassed but haven't taken her back out to tell her absolutely not.

It is much easier to go from no behaviour and just learn this. But now she needs to unlearn the selfish stuff and learn to wait her turn. Nothing else for. So sorry, but you'll need to accept that what you've done up to now hasn't been the right way.

I'm not sure, I don't think we are too indulgent at home. Probably a bit too much TV but not insanely bad.

Sometimes we share a bowl of crisps (say) and take turns having a crisp each until the bowl is empty. She's fine with that.

She does have her own high chair at home which obviously no one else can fit into, so we can't teach chair-sharing very well. Dh and DD both have a favourite spot on the sofa (the left side) but I don't see them clash about that really, it's just if someone is already sitting there then the other sits somewhere else

She is 2!!! This is pretty normal behaviour. They grow out of it, they really do. Just model good behaviour at home but don’t stress

Shes 2! Shes too young to really understand sharing. Youre expecting toi much. Model good behaviour, she will 'get' it when shes ready developmentally.

I hear what you're saying and you haven't made me angry, more just sort of raising my eyebrows. I have little or no control over how the nursery staff do things. Drop off time is very brief because a) DH or I have to rush off to work immediately after dropping off and b) nursery staff prefer that we drop off quickly because our continued presence is unsettling for the kids. So I don't have time to give big lectures in the moment, or suggest other activities montessori style or anything. Not at nursery.

I can and will be talking to DD about the nursery chair when we are at home. But although her verbal skills aren't bad for 2yo, it's quite an abstract thing for her to be thinking about when the chair isn't in front of her. That's why I just need more general good-sharing activities

She is showing selfish behaviour.

Two year olds, famed for their selflessness. You can't move at my kid's nursery for toddlers throwing themselves out the way to assist you.

This is reassuring too, thank you - I will do my best to try and teach better sharing and turn taking, but thank you for saying ny dd is normal rather than selfish etc

My 2yo doesn't share either but we always remind him and when he does share we make a big deal of it and say 'good sharing!' And he gets all pleased with himself. We also model the behaviour ourselves so very dramatically are like 'oh wow mummy's sharing her book with daddy! That's lovely!' And then we give it to him to share back. Mostly, off his own back he absolutely doesn't and also kicks off sometimes but I think at this age, it's quite normal. Just keep reminding and modelling and it should sink in.

thanks to the pp for saying that I'm teaching my kid selfish behaviour...! Seriously aggressive tone in that post. But hey ho, we are all doing our best)

I actually thought that post had a lot of valuable information in.

She's two?! I'm not quite sure you need to do anything other than making sure she is given good role models of sharing at home.

My eldest is autistic and still is very particular about some things like your DC was at this young age. He's 9YO now. When they're his things, I do encourage him to be protective of them. So if it's his toy or his sweets, I don't expect him to share. But I don't allow him to be territorial over communal things. Eg he can't complain about others eating the biscuits or where other people sit in the living room etc.

I agree nursery aren't handling the chair situation in the best way. Could you have word thay you are trying to encourage her to share more at home

It just sounds like she's 2 and likes her own things, the chair at nursery is a familiar thing she associates with nursery so she fixates on it, but I don't think nursery should be pandering to her though , most of her behaviour is because she's 2 I think her saying my ball is her meaning I'll tidy it away.

How would you feel if someone forced you to share your favourite outfit/shoes/jewellery/your car etc….with someone else?
Little kids being possessive is absolutely normal. Their toys are of great importance to them and forcing them to share them with other kids is not going to work. It will just make them angry and upset. Some children are more generous then others. These things change throughout childhood anyway and a possessive toddler might turn later into a generous teen or adult. But it has to happen naturally or it will cause frustration.
This ‘sharing is caring’ bullshit is forced down our throats every single day.

She's 2. It's totally age appropriate behavior. She's seeking to control her environment and look after her things. Perfectly healthy. You do the same.

She needs to be able to differentiate though between what's actually hers to control and what is not.

Think about it for you. No one is allowed to take your book when you're halfway through reading it. And people can't just borrow your car keys whenever they want to play with them. Respect her property the same, then you can teach her to respect others property too.

So, the nursery chair. Not hers. She doesn't control it. If it's free, she gets to sit in it, if someone's in it, they don't have to move out for her. She can simply ask the person sitting in the chair, please let me know when you're done, because I'd like a turn. Then she waits. Likewise, if she's sitting in it, she doesn't have to get out for someone else's turn until she's done, so you say- sit there for as long as you like and let Sammy know when it's his turn etc. It gives her control and it's fair.

When kids come over and play it's hard. But again, if something is free a child can pick it up. If toy is currently occupied, then other children wait their turn. The child controls the turn. Don't force her to give something she's occupied with up, she'll only hold onto it more and be resentful. Remember the book. One very strong rule, never ever snatch something out of someone else's hands. It helped us when kids are going through 'selfish' phase to put some special toys away so no other children can get them.

This is respectful parenting, you can look it up. Don't force your kid to share, they will never learn to share that way. Give them the freedom to learn to share and experience how good sharing feels when not forced. And respect her right to her own things, and things that belong to her. That's real life.

Takes months by the way! But no snatching, take turns, each child controls the turn. Then they stop worrying about having things taken away and start genuinely sharing.

I would talk to her on the way to nursery and remind her that all the toys and equipment belong to the nursery not to her or anyone else, and that they are for everyone to use and play with.

Nursery seem to be handling it very badly. They should distract her towards something else rather than removing other children!