How can I get my toddler to be better at Sharing?

[M08my]

My 2yo dd isn't very good at sharing :(

She's been at nursery for over a year. She has a favourite armchair there and when another kid sits in it, she really kicks off... it's so bad that, we've seen teachers pre-emptively shoo a kid out of it when she arrives in the morning. Dd sometimes shouts "that's MY CHAIR" if they don't :(

We've recently started football lessons on a Saturday. It's great and generally she does all the activities fine. They have like a dozen footballs in a big net bag, and sometimes the kids have to put them back in the bag. Dd helps eagerly, collecting them all up, but then always reserves one at the end "this is MY BALL" and holds onto it. It's a bit embarrassing lol

Just trying to think of any other relevant details... she has a best friend at nursery and we have playdates outside nursery sometimes, and when it's at our house she usually lets him play with her toys, although she says stuff like "that's mine but you can play with it a little bit". (This morning it was Best Friend in the chair and that didn't stop DD kicking off!) We have another friend we see a lot with a younger dd; because that playmate is younger, they tend not to want to share anyway because they want different toys.

Basically can you wise mums tell me if this sounds normal, or does she really need to get better at sharing asap? Any advice for ways to help her learn? I don't want my dd to grow up selfish and horrid :( she's got good speaking and listening so maybe we could try and explain it to her, but I'm a bit at a loss. Thank you so much for your advice xxx

2yos are inherently selfish - they don't have the skills for empathy yet. Don't feel bad but I definitely agree that there are things you and nursery can do to help teach those skills (just as you assisted with how to eat solids, walking etc). We do taking turns as that's easier for them to understand than sharing. Sometimes mine does it willingly, sometimes she has a massive tantrum - hold firm but be sympathetic and eventually she'll get there. I'd talk to nursery about the chair and come up with a plan about how to deal with it moving forward.

I'm surprised that nursery shooed the child out.

I used a digital timer for turn taking (I have 3 kids) and Im surprised that nursery doesn't use some sort of sand timer or something to show when to change over.

Seen this ?

If I like it, it’s mine.
If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.
If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
If it’s mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in any way.
If I’m doing or building something, all pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it is mine.
If I saw it first, it’s mine.
If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
If it’s broken, it’s yours.

She is behaving normally. Model turn taking, asking the person using what you want for a turn etc You want her to move to asking for a turn in the seat when the previous person is done which will be hard (as she has to resist the biological impulse to be angry) but she'll get there.

Thank you very much for this detailed advice (and to everyone else, lots of fab advice here thank you).

I will try to explain to her the idea that some things are hers eg her dinner, her sippy cup, but other things are "everybody's".

I will talk to nursery about the chair. Dd is the only kid in the room that doesn't nap and she sits in the chair while the others are napping. So the nursery staff jokingly call it "Dd-name's chair", which doesn't help. I'll talk to them about giving it a name like "The Blue Chair" instead, helping explain to her about taking turns in it. At naptime it can be her guaranteed turn (no one else is awake anyway) but at other times J and the other kids will have a turn

Seems pretty normal to me, some kids are like this, it’s no big deal and she’ll grow out of it eventually.
I’d just ignore…..

Am really surprised there were that many posts before the Sense Brigade arrived and pointed out that she's 2 and not understanding sharing is normal at that age!

Is she an only child op?

Maybe she's a little overly fixated but I think the advice you've had about modelling sharing is good. If you and your dh tend to have your own mugs/preferred chairs etc then I'd switch it up a but at home because maybe that's where she's picked up on the idea of ownership from?

Thank you for your reassurance! Yeah DD never snatches tbf, she doesn't initiate physical contact much with anyone except close family, but she'll stand at a distance and shout "That's MINE". She doesn't do it with everything but only with items that she somehow decides are hers, like the blue chair at nursery. So for example she never does this at the softplay (we go to the softplay every week) - she just wanders off and plays with something else, like a pp called montessori style. The only exception was with the football at football class; that was unusual for her because she knew the ball wasn't actually ours, it was just a generic football-class-football.

Children don't have a concept of sharing or impulse control until 4/5 so your efforts may be futile

I think that's cute her sitting on her throne chair at naptime 😀 re naming it the blue chair is an easy solution

Yeah only child, took a while to conceive...we are trying for no2 but no joy yet, and not trying very hard (I mean not tracking ovulation etc because I never want to do that again!)

Yeah I think we'll try and move away from having favourite spots on the sofa and favourite mugs etc at home. DH is just a creature of habit so he automatically reaches for the same mug, same spot on sofa, same spot at the dining table etc. I'll talk to him about switching things up and we can talk in front of DD about taking turns.

Thanks for everyone who reassured that this is in the spectrum of normal for 2yo. Of course I know it's not ideal and I want to try and make things better, that's why I'm here.

:) thank you, yes we've had terrible problems with her refusing to nap at nursery from a really young age, and instead just sobbing for home everyday at naptime. She would never play when the others were napping, just sob. So when nursery discovered that she would happily sit in this chair we all thought it was great. She occasionally has a brief snooze in it which is better than nothing. It just came with this possessive downside.

She is 2. It's an awful age, they don't put terrible in front for nothing. Try all the techniques but just give it time. As she gets older you can tolerate it less because she understands more. The rages can be managed and she can learn they don't get her what she wants. For now just be aware it does end.

Well to her it is her chair isn't it ?even calling it the naptime chair might help.

I think you're right, it's "the naptime chair"! I'll ask nursery what they think too, whether they are finding DD to be selfish or possessive about other items, or just the chair.

It's her half day on a Tuesday, so I do pickup at naptime. She'll be happily in her chair with everyone else asleep, so I might have a short talk with her at pickup about it. "It's your turn in the blue chair now because it's naptime, but in the morning you have to let the others have a turn" or similar.

I don't think lectures work when she's actually in the middle of a meltdown, or at least they never seem to for her

But yeah anyway thank you all everyone for your advice! I'm going to get to work now but I'll feed back later when I've tried all these tips, I'm really grateful

She's 2 - not an age known for caring and concern for others or their property. Ever been to a playgroup? It's like survival of the fittest toddler.

My 2yo drags me off the sofa if I dare to sit in his spot (which is also my spot). Lots of modelling turn taking, talking about sharing, praise when they do a good go at it.

She is only 2. My little one only started doing this after turning 3 and that was after being exposed to a nursery who tackle this every second. No matter how much you remind them, it goes through one ear and comes out the other. Just give it time. I see older kids in the park who still don't know how to take turns and I'm pretty proud of ds seeing how far he has come from being a serial toy snatcher to someone who takes turns or walks off.

I totally agree she’s a completely normal 2YO. The only problem you have is nursery and this nonsense about ‘her chair’. Renaming it the nap chair and asking them to stop kicking the other kids off outside of naptime (for an easy life) would be a good idea.

Agree with M08my the info about nap time changes everything. It's her place of comfort when she's tired and vulnerable and everyone else is napping, it's her safe space that no one else uses at that time, so it is understandable that she has an emotional attachment to it as her chair. I would suggest to nursery that she had a blanket or cuddly toy for rest/ nap time and if the blanket is on the chair, it's her special place if not it's turn taking, so she can differentiate her feelings about nap time and the rest of the day . She sounds developmentally perfectly normal and a lovely girl OP.

Yes I think the same. I can't actually believe they would do that!

That's a really good idea!

Gosh, I’m of the opinion that kids DO NOT have to share and should not be forced to! She is 2 years old, this behaviour is normal, all you can do is model the behaviour you want to see from her and eventually she will do just that. Trying to force something will never go well - imagine you’re walking down the street and someone comes up to you and takes your phone because you have to share right, take it in turns and all that….

she doesn’t think like an adult. She doesn’t think like a teenager or somebody who understands the whole ‘wait your turn’ kinda thing.

Gosh, I’m of the opinion that kids DO NOT have to share and should not be forced to!
So you agree the others kids that got to the nursery chair first shouldn’t be turfed off for OP’s DD then?

Sand timers are your friend! 3 or 5 minute ones are my usual go toos - the children find it fun to hold the timer and wait their turn

If they’re calling it your Dd’s name chair, then of course she thinks it’s her chair. How confusing for her.
Rename the chair, model sharing but ask nursery to stop giving in to your DD’s tantrums for a quiet life.
For what it’s worth, your DD sounds better at sharing her toys than many 2 and 3 year olds I know.