“Mummy, why did you leave me?”

[Havanawinter]

I hear this from my 5 year old umpteen times a day. He’s a sensitive kid who has never slept independently, but since an expected hospital stay meant I was away from him for nearly 2 weeks over a year ago he’s been so clingy. I understand why, but god it’s hard. I can’t go anywhere or do anything, have a pee, make a cup of tea, sleep in my own bed without him getting upset. I don’t know what else to try, I feel like all the cuddles and reassurance in the world over the last year has made no difference.

Oh god you must have the patience of a saint I would have been shutting and locking the door 6 times a day for months in your shoes.

You deserve space. You deserve peace. If he is actually incapable of giving you that then you need to take him to the GP for some urgent help.

Just out of interest how does he manage at school?

Poor kid. My dd 2 had a month in hospital when she was 10, she had specialist trauma therapy to come to terms with it which was utterly invaluable. Naturally we couldn't get anything on the NHS so it cost me and arm and a leg but it's worth investigating. You may even find a local charity that could help.

Could you try teaching him to count minutes on a clock and if you say, go to the loo, say “I’ll be back in 3 minutes”, have a shower “I’ll be back in 10 minutes”?

He’s absolutely fine at school, it’s a safe happy place for him. It’s just so hard. I feel selfish for wanting to put my needs first once in a while. I can’t even take the bins out without him crying. I have to lie to him if I’m going out after he’s in bed or he just won’t go to sleep.

to clarify it was me who had the *unexpected hospital stay, not him

Poor kid and poor, you! How are you feeling now?

“I came back, I will always come back”

At this point are all the hugs and extra reassurance not just reinforcing the behaviour and the idea that he has something to worry/be sad about?

By reassuring each time he does this, you're providing something nice (therefore he's learnt that this is how to get hugs) and you're saying that he had reason to worry when you took the bins out (which undermines his ability to self-soothe).

You've created a feedback loop reinforcing the behaviour.

Neither of you deliberately, but you probably need to look at changing your behaviour to stop reinforcing. You are effectively providing an emotional reward for being clingy.

If he wasn't fine at school, I would take a different view.

Have you tried answering honestly? If he says ‘why did you leave me’ say ‘I didn’t leave you. I was doing x. Like how when you’re at a party/school/at soft play you don’t leave me. We can’t be holding onto each other every minute!’

I think you need to try responding firmly but kindly with words to this effect each time and stop reacting like he has reason to be distressed about you taking the bins out. He doesn't.

He doesn't need reassurance and cuddles because mummy took the bins out. He needs a reset that this is not something to be upset about it - "mummy's not upset, mummy's not worried or talking in a sad voice, everything is fine".

It will take time and consistency to break the cycle after all this time, but all patterns can be changed with consistency and patience

Yes I think you're going to have to start being a bit brisk. He doesn't need to worry about you not coming back.

Have you talked to anyone about this? I mean a medical professional. It seems like this is a behaviour you really need to nip in the bud.

I'd recommend play therapy.

I don’t think the hugs and reassurance each time are actually helping in. It’s manufacturing these “momentous occasions” of emotional extremes.

instead - a breezy, “don’t be silly, you silt sausage ! I didn’t leave you - I had to do something. But like when you go to school - would be a bit silly of me to say you were leaving me haha - right, now - Lego or a snack, or both maybe?”

Silt sausage? Silly sausage!

but like? FFS. bit like.

Ah, sweetie pie, I didn't leave you though did I? I'm right here. Sometimes I have to go and do something, and I know sometimes it seems like a really long time that I've been gone. But look, here I am. Just like when you are at school, it seems like a long time we don't see each other, but when you come home, I'm here aren't I? So let's do that right now, I'm going to go to the toilet and you are going to sit here and watch.... play with... and then I'll be right back again! Bet you can't sit really still until I get back / bet you can't build that Lego thingy!! Oh you can, can you? Let's see... Ready...? Steady....? Off I go, see you in a mo jo...!!!

I think you need to get some professional help with this as it sounds like there is some underlying trauma or issue behind it that needs addressing.

By constantly reassuring him I think you are probably making things worse to be honest. Almost like telling him constantly he's okay, there's nothing to worry about will actually have the opposite effect and make him think there is something to fear.

This is more than sensitive for a 5yr old to cry if you put the bins out. It’s not selfish in the slightest to want to sleep independently from a child. I’d look into some kind of age appropriate counselling

Oh god I empathise so much I have a 2yo with ASD and he wants to be back inside me I swear. Literally he is attached to me. I wear him like a handbag all day every day. ALWAYS ON ME

I love the kid but Jesus Christ it’s wearing

Ooh, that is tough! I feel for you both and you must be exhausted from it. Your own response to it is really important and I think, like other pp above, you can inject a bit of fun into it now when it feels right as well as being breezy and confident about the goodbyes. Fun idea would be if he's going somewhere to say 'Don't go, I will miss you'd smother him in kisses so he's running away laughing and also acknowledging but not so much that you're so invested yourself iyswim. Unfortunately what we resist persists so I agree with acknowledging him at the same time but remember you're not trying to fix it for him or overly apologising for a situation that was completely out of your hands. Some theraplay activities together might be useful. (You can get a practitioner but you can also Google some simple fun activities to diy).

*he clasps his hands together and literally hangs off me like a handbag or koala hugs me.

In January 2021 I had a completely unexpected separation from DD (who was 3.5 at the time) when I had to go to hospital. I was away from her for a fortnight.

Prior to this she had had plenty of experience of us being apart and had always been fine with it as I would prepare her in advance.

We are still recovering from this and she is anxious about anything to do with my health, especially if I have a hospital appointment as despite reassurance she worries I'll be away from her for a long time.

Even aside from medical stuff, I could see that affects of that unplanned separation for a good few months. She would miss me while she was at school and worry that I wouldn't turn up to pick her up. This is getting better now.

I don't think DD's anxiety was as marked as your DS' and I think you should talk to your GP. I did talk to our GP who said she would arrange therapy but the waiting list is long.

If you're in a position to pay for some play therapy I would do this.

He needs to sleep somewhere else for a start.

there’s a lively book called Owl Babies about separation and that really helped my clingy child at that age.

Lovely - not lively

Sounds like the poor little lad has developed an insecure attachment because of this. Google and see if it rings a few bells.

Would you be able to see a child psychologist or therapist? They’d be able to help you help him through it. It could take a bit of time, but you can help him feel secure again.

Have you considered (that in the nicest possible way) it’s a way to get attention from you? If he goes to school happily and is happy there it could be something to consider. I’m not saying you should be harsh with him.

It's sounds like an insecure attachment which I suspect you're inadvertently promoting by giving lots of reassurance when all he needs is 'I'm just going to the toilet, there is no need to be anxious about that' and move on.

You're doing better than I would - that would drive me batty.

I would also be getting him sleeping in his room and spending time with other relatives. The more he realises that you don't disappear if he doesn't see you for a few hours the better.