“Mummy, why did you leave me?”

[Havanawinter]

I hear this from my 5 year old umpteen times a day. He’s a sensitive kid who has never slept independently, but since an expected hospital stay meant I was away from him for nearly 2 weeks over a year ago he’s been so clingy. I understand why, but god it’s hard. I can’t go anywhere or do anything, have a pee, make a cup of tea, sleep in my own bed without him getting upset. I don’t know what else to try, I feel like all the cuddles and reassurance in the world over the last year has made no difference.

My first thought was the Owl Babies book as mentioned by another poster

Give him what he needs.

I'm a bit woo here. I think it's an issue from a previous life. Keep pouring in the love and reassurance.

It sounds like it might be helpful to get some advice from someone outside the situation to help you both cope with this and give you the confidence to help him with his worries.

There may be 'early help' for emotional and mental health issues available local to you free - have a look on your council A-Z or ask if school are aware of what is available in your area. We have an early emotional/mental health service local to us and one of the things they do is run courses based around this book for parents of primary aged children. www.anxietyuk.org.uk/products/book/overcoming-series/overcoming-childs-fears-worries-cathy-creswell-lucy-willetts/

It might be worth getting the book - there is lots of practical advice about handling children's worries, ways to support them without reinforcing the worry etc. You could also look on the BAPT (British Association of Play Therapists) website to see if there is a practitioner near you. BACP is also a good place to find reputable counsellors.

My youngest had some issues when younger and always wanted to be in my bed (after having slept fine I'm theirs for ages!)

We bought a "ready bed" sort of inflatable lilo/pillow/blanket all in one and kids size. We kept it under our bed and child could come into our room when they had a dream/work up/got scared and pull it out and sleep in our room.

To begin with we woke when she did/checked she'd done a wee and said goodnight. Once she got used to it she could do it herself so we slept through and she got the comfort of being in our room.. . She isn't still doing this at 10! It lasted a while but got both our needs met and could help you.

We couldn't take bins out to the street as that's leaving the house, and they did follow us round the house but I had a bag of toys in corner of rooms so I could divert if I need physical space.

One thing is if they sense you're constantly pushing them away (understandably!) they may want you more for fear of you pulling away. Maybe make a time in the day you're completely focused on them so they do get some of that.

I agree with this. It is really easy to unwittingly reinforce the behaviour you do not want children to display. Really easy.

@VeronicaFranklin

I really echo this as someone who works with children. Your DC has experienced a traumatic experience that is unresolved for them and they have separation anxiety; it will need specialist support OP for you to help your child. If you’re financially able then contact a child counsellor and have a few sessions with them just yourself to discuss your DC behaviour / experience and they will give you parenting strategies you can put in place to manage their anxiety and eventually reduce it so you can have a more healthy relationship again ( and get a break to yourself!).
Please invest in therapeutic help now as it will only manifest into mental health issues for your DC later in adolescence xx

My 6 yr old was like this for over a year. I couldnt even take the bins out without him..Just like yours.

I just decided to wait it out. Made no fuss, and just went through the motions. Always put him in his own bed to sleep, but sat there til he fell asleep and allowed him to come to my bed at night. Encouraged gentle separations (play dates or clubs without me), but didnt force it if it looked like couldnt cope.
Now hes 8, and completely different. Independent, confident (still climbs in bed with me though). I think he just needed that time to mature. I wouldnt worry too much. Its just a phase, as the saying goes..

I think something has gone wrong here. How was your hospital stay explained to him. He has clearly got separation anxiety and is worried. I think you need to see a doctor and see if you can get him some child counselling in place otherwise you will never be able to have a night away or a weekend.

Given he’s happy at school, I think the cuddles and reassurance might be making it worse.

I would start being a bit brisk. At 5 he is old enough to understand that sometimes people have to go away to work, to hospital, to see a friend overnight. Telling him you had to go away to stay in a hospital so the doctors could make you better, should be easy for him to grasp. So next time he says why did you leave me? The answer I didn’t - I went to stay in a hospital because I felt ill and then I came back when I was better.

Similarly I would stop giving him any attention when he fuses when you go to loo.

And I would go shopping with him (if you can afford a few new things) so he can choose a new duvet etc, and then over the Christmas holidays put him into his own room.. you will have to take him back a fair but, but he should get used to it in a week.

If this doesn’t work or it feels to much to do alone, get a child psychologist to work on it with you.

I really feel for you. I have recently had an unexpected 8 day hospital stay after a period of illness in bed at home too. My 3 year old has been beside herself at times. My husband and I have spent a lot of time comforting her when she says I left her but are gradually being more firm with her, giving her a shorter version of why I had to go and reminding her that we have talked about this and that I came back like I said I would. Etc etc. I think you just have to be a little bit firm and don't have so many conversations about it.

Do you sleep in the same bed?

I’m not one for tough love but the fact he’s fine at school suggests that it could be you that is influencing his behaviour.

Tell him he’s a big boy now and that he needs to learn to play on his own whilst you do what you need to do like take the bins out etc.

I wouldn’t be harsh to him but I would be mindful of how much anxiety you are giving him if you’re coming back in and then being all over him.

Start nipping out to grab something from the car, then increase it to putting the bins out, then have a shower etc.
It needs to become the normality for him to know be worried about you going out for a couple of minutes.

I think it's a fine balance that needs to be struck, it's important he feels securely attached and at the same time important he sees you as confident when separating. It brings to mind a friend of a friend who is having similar issues with her older child, but without the obvious trigger of the hospital stay and her approach seems to be to push him away as much as possible- where she once brought him to school, he now gets the bus tho she drives the same route, she sends him out to play and closes door even if there are no friends out etc. I don't think that's ideal either.

honestly he is just anxious and afraid. Except that it's not 'just' anything. The absolute worst thing happened to him from his perspective. All the mental reasoning will not work because this experience is not stored in the part of the brain that is reasonable. He does need to process and explore it. I know this may not be easy in the current financial climate but have you thought about some child focused psychotherapy/play therapy. It could help you both.

Some nice books include The Kissing Hand, The Invisible String and Teeny Weeny in a Too Big World, as well as Owl Babies mentioned above.

I'm a bit woo here. I think it's an issue from a previous life

Well that would be the obvious conclusion but just in case it’s not that…..I think you should see a therapist for him as I don’t think it’s normal behaviour. I split from my son’s dad at 4 and so we separated houses and spent a lot of time apart but he doesn’t have any issues like this. Not trying to be mean but I don’t think it’s a normal reaction so I’d be trying to seek help for him.

Do you explain when you are going to do something, 'I'm just putting the bins out, I'll be back in a minute', 'I have to go to the loo, back in a minute'. My daughter was a bit clingy, but explaining what I was doing, where I was going and how long I would be (and sticking to it, ie, not saying I'll be a minute and being gone for an hour) seemed to give her re-assurance.

I feel you op - I had to go into hospital for a few months when my dd was turning 3 (she had her birthday when I was in hospital).

I literally left in the night and didn’t return until her brother arrived. When I was there I couldn’t even tell her when we would be home as we didn’t know and she could only visit for an hour a day.

she is ok some 5 months on. Just the odd trigger - like we went walking the other day and she randomly mentioned my hospital trip and that she had missed me.

I have made sure to say things like ‘mummy will always find you’ etc outside of stressful situations - like in the car coming home from something or when playing. She is more able to hear those messages then and she often repeats them randomly.

I constantly monitor her for deeper trauma and would do play therapy as soon as I thought it was needed. So I guess that is what I would do in your situation.

Poor little lad! And poor you too, OP! It sounds like really acute separation anxiety and very difficult to cope with.
I agree with a lot of other posters that the cuddles and reassurance are perhaps re-enforcing the issue because it sounds like he is coming to depend on them if it is fairly constant.
Perhaps you could tell him that you'll be putting the bins out in 5mins and explain the steps you'll take, and that you'll only be a minute and set your expectations of his behaviour or give him a tiny task to do i.e. get the Legos out ready to play once you've done the bins, to give him a chance to prepare himself and something else to focus on.
Good luck OP! Xx

Maybe look into play therapy?

You could try the "grown-ups come back" episode of Daniel Tiger? (Netflix)