Mother in law

[givemeeestrength]

Since having my baby (15wks) MIL has been acting strange

Firstly was obsessed with baby, telling us she couldn't sleep, couldn't think about anything else, I thought it was a bit creepy strange to be honest the way she was acting and talking. It was her first grandchild but my mum didn't act that way.

When she comes over she's a drain. She's very dramatic, talking about drama and I found it so hard to enjoy her company. I felt bad for feeling this way early days. She would show up and say oh I'm not staying and then stay and then I'd say would you like to stay for dinner and she says oh lovely thank you.
I'm sleep deprived, baby had colic but has settled now. I've had a horrible recovery with a big blood loss and forceps and I would be standing in the kitchen cooking in pain wanting to scream

I know it's my fault but looking bad I feel so cross for her not picking up how we were struggling
She was message me asking how I was and I'd be honest and say in pain tired etc and then she would come over and act like a guest

My husband has had enough of this and told her when she comes over we can't listen to any drama - but we haven't told her how we feel

She sends messages guilt tripping us saying she misses the baby, can't sleep, is on sleeping tablets, she isn't having a good week, and is
Now ignoring my husband but messaging me

It's because he's told her she can't keep turning up ( she did this 6 days in a row ) she doesn't do that anymore

She's told his dad ' we are keeping her away '

What do we do from here, my husband js very stressed with her ! She isn't helping or supporting us we feel

One day he was at work and he came home to her ranting and raving and I was so drained and tired we don't feel we want to see her! X

When she messaged asking if she comes over reply ask DH or just no if you don't want to see her. Start as you mean to go on. But id let DH handle it

OP this is literally me 2 years ago with my first born and now again with my second. Although for me it’s both my in laws not just the one!
min regards to MIL though exactly the same as you was just so oblivious to us struggling and kept going on about how she was struggling. They would turn up every single day to the point we had to ask them not to come over.

we really could of done with the help first time round and I felt awkward and didn’t feel like I could ask for help. But this time I’ve just been totally honest and if she comes around I’ve asked her to do things or messaged asking her to bring me some food and honestly but has helped! She’s much more helpful this time round (this has only been me recently asking)

I guess I kind of just got fed up with it having any help and I was a lot more direct. Turns out it ended up working out. Is this something you can do too?

Do not let her in when your DH is not home. He can sort her out.
And never offer food, cup of tea then make moves for her to leave. Be firm if you have to.

What Kangeroo says.

Also, find yourself some things to do in the week so you're out a fair bit like playgroups, buggy walks etc.

I've done all this and she even was present at my day 5 midwife app as she turned up! Looking back I was I was more firm

It's sad because I would have loved her help but I feel horrible saying oh can you bring us some dinner maybe a lasagna and hold baby while I jump in the shower please ?!

If I did she would but then I'd feel bad

X

@givemeeestrength i totally understand OP but having lived through it the first time it made me end up resenting MIL and changing the dynamic of our relationship. It took a long time for the resentment to go and honestly me just being a bit more direct and asking for the help made our relationship much better

Please don’t struggle! She’s going to be in your life and harsh as this sounds get what you need out of it too! X

Boundaries!
If she sends to a whinging text message just don’t reply. You don’t need to reply to every message. Or be proactive. I’m sorry to hear that MIL why don’t you come over tomorrow and 9 and have a cuddle with the baby while I have a shower.
Don’t offer her dinner instead say well it’s time for us to have dinner now MIL and obviously I haven’t organised enough for everyone or I can’t be expected to host with a time baby so it’s time for you to go.

That's a good point

Thing is I miss our relationship before as it was a very good one! She's gone all strange and I know it's because she doesn't see the baby enough

Yes I do feel I resent her - it's such a shame
But maybe it's saveable

The turning up has stopped. She expects to
' pop in today ' so I have said ah sorry with so and so today. How about Wednesday? That kind of thing

I just feel a bit strange asking for things when it's been nearly 4month like it's a bit alien x

And I do want her to have a relationship with baby of course I do I think it's important I just don't like her behaviour x

Also she kept saying baby was trying to suck her breast which I found repulsive
She doesn't do that anymore x

It's sad because I would have loved her help but I feel horrible saying oh can you bring us some dinner maybe a lasagna and hold baby while I jump in the shower please

Honestly I think the problem is that you want to be polite and a good DIL and aren't happy with the consequences.

I'm just wondering if you have problems with your boundaries in any other aspect of your life and this is something that you may need to work on?

@PritiPatelsMaker you're right it's boundaries but she has made me feel guilty when I've set them so telling husbands dad is keeping her away ! It's just ridiculous I'm not doing that at all but she doesn't respect boundaries at all as yes I suppose I don't want to be rude x

I just thought our relationship would be different and I suppose I'm pining for that
In my pregnancy we were so close, we had an ivf journey so took a lot of time and money for us and well she did me a gorgeous baby shower
I guess I feel sad it's not what I thought it would be x

I wouldn't be leaving her alone with the baby. She sounds unstable.

Honestly I would just be blunt. If you don't say it now you never will. Say you are happy to have pre arranged visits but they need to be a help not a hindrance, she'll be a lot more welcome if she comes round and helps/eases your burdens rather than adds to them. A cuddle with the baby when appropriate is fine but offering to pitch in to support you & OH to parent would be most welcome.

This was my thought....she doesn't listen to our conversation and is obsessed with the baby it was really strange like I say my mum wasn't like this

She messages me saying she isn't having a good week and not sleeping I just find that odd x

I was just hoping that in time as bubs gets older it would be easier. Yes I do feel sad but I suppose that time is gone and we can't get it back

Moving forwards we will see if we can talk to her at some point x

My own "D"M is similarly toxic and will bad mouth me and my DSis to anyone who will listen so sounds pretty similar.

Try to think about her telling DFIL rationally. Does him knowing mean that much to you that you'll put up with her behaviour? She's told him as apparently she wasn't getting what she wanted from you and it's worked. She's manipulated you and it's worked so she won't hesitate to try again next time a barrier is out in her way.

Think long term about how this will pan out. At the moment she's dominating your Mat Leave and your head space. Is the risk of her talking negatively about you worth all of that?

@PritiPatelsMaker so what do you suggest I do from here ? You're right it's completely taking up my headspace and I really want it to stop! How? X

I would go no contact.

My own Mother was like this and I didn't cut contact until my eldest was 14.

I tried every strategy and gave everything I had. She sucked the life out of me.

In the end (after a lifetime of abuse) I finally woke up to the fact she is a person without love, compassion or care for anyone.

My kids hate her, I hate her, my husband bitterly wishes he had 'saved' me from her.

In your position, I would tell your dh that you don't want any contact and leave it up to him to decide. My own dh went NC with my Mother two years before I did and it really helped me get free.

@Minimalme sorry to hear you went through that

I'm thinking no contact too - then she will realise that her actions / behaviour isn't ok

It's really getting me down and I need to focus on my baby and getting though the days and enjoying my mat leave x

My ils never had my mobile number. Made for a much easier life!

You could go NC, depends on if you want to try and manage the situation a little first?

Could you arrange with DH to go to their house together for a cuppa and leave if it's getting too much? If she asks to see you in the week, well you're just to busy/exhausted aren't you.

I haven't gone NC with my M but contact is very, very limited.

Ok so nc is probably not realistic - we were a very close knit family so hoping it can be sorted

Yes dh will go talk to her but the thing is she's known not to listen or accept any responsibility so if this happens I'll need to maybe accept that we won't have the relationship I thought we were doing to have maybe

The thought of asking for her help is also a no no - I've gone this far without it but I will set myself boundaries so won't reply to her stupid pity messages and take a step back

Life's too short and I don't wanna cut her out but the same time she isn't being peace or harmony into our lives !x

I think having a level of grief over the relationship you thought you'd have and have now realised that you probably won't is very normal.

The healthy thing to do is to protect you and your LO from the drama as much as possible and concentrate on things that improve your life rather than drain you

Would you cut your own mum out if she was behaving as she is?
This is your husband’s mum.

That is meant to be a supportive message so that you do some thinking. NC isn’t always the answer and reading your posts you sound reluctant to do this. NC is so difficult, at some point restarting contact - do you really intend that your DD never sees her grandparents ever?

I think this is more about boundaries and managing her expectations based on what you and your husband want to happen and where you feel you have some control.
How do you want the relationship to be? How can you make this happen? Where can MIL be included that would be of benefit to you? Do you treat her as you treat your own DM? Communicate with her, shape the relationship.

As an aside, as part of leadership training we talk about delivering a ‘sh*t sandwich’ - good news, bad news, good news ( so in feedback for instance)
So ‘great to hear from you, it isn’t possible to see you on… but what about if we come to you on….’
Choose a day that suits you, go to hers/ meet out, much easier to be in control of when you leave.
Make suggestion you self so that she doesn’t feel she has to beg - good to hear from you ( ignoring any negative messages she has sent), we are busy on… but would love it if you could be here whilst we/I go to/do…’. You might appreciate her support.