What are we getting wrong

[Disco2022]

Have had some interesting conversations with women recently about how we feel we have "broken the cycle" of parenting that we experienced. We feel pretty positive about not repeating the mistakes we felt like our parents made (admittedly we all come from fairly abusive/narcissistic mother/absent father backgrounds). We all feel happy with how we are doing so far with parenting, can see day to day things we would improve but overall it's going well (all have children under 10). But in the wisdom of Philip Larkin and the law of average we are bound to be getting something wrong- what will our children resent in us? I find so much in common with other women in their 30s in the ways that we were raised that harmed us. What will our children be talking about in this way in 20 years?

Out children will probably suffer from lack of resilience.
Bad things have to start happening to children pretty early on (at age appropriate amounts of course) for them to learn to cope with small upsets, building up to being able to cope with larger upsets.
Parents shouldn't be involved in sorting out friendship issues in the main, or revision failures, or poor uni choices. But we are and therefore it seems to take kids ages to learn that they have to change their behaviour to get different outcomes. They cannot keep doing what they always do (being annoying to friends, not revising and picking a course cos the bf was doing it) and expecting parents to sort it out.

“See I think parents these days are under sooo much scrutiny about getting it right, being judged for being a certain type of parent (helicopter, gentle, tiger mummy etc etc)
We are put into categories and it's horrible.

It's like we are being graded in school on our parenting”

I agree with this. It’s pretty clear on this thread

So stop making parents responsible for all those things. Why do many parents feel that they have to take responsibility in that way? Can we blame their parents?

This is one I didn't want, I let my kids amuse themselves mostly and just do the odd day trip here and there. As an adult I never get bored as my mum just let me play.

My worry though is that they are 5 and 8 and haven't let them play out with friends yet, I worry about cars etc. my eldest is a homebody geek so doesn't care but my youngest would love being on a bike being free.

Too much pressure on children to achieve.

Too much pressure on parents to create the perfect childhood for their children.

Giving children a perfect childhood is not preparing them for life - life is imperfect and they need to be able to deal with this.

It's a given that our kids will find something to complain about.
As long as they come out of their childhood reasonably happy and content, that's a win.
I think sometimes you have to become a parent to appreciate your own (or realise how badly they messed up!)

I realised only after DC left home that I had smoothed their path too often. They need to learn how to tough things out, fail often, be disappointed, handle gross unfairness, do lots of jobs they don't like.

My parents were very neglectful so I compensated by being over-attentive instead of just attentive.

That, and, as PP have said, tech. Though that is more a social thing. The internet was new to us too so we couldn't anticipate quite how damaging it would be.

Giving children a perfect childhood is not preparing them for life - life is imperfect and they need to be able to deal with this
This is very true!

There's no way to get it completely right, we're humans and need to constantly adjust to our surroundings.

Not to sound gloomy, but I think having children at all when faced with climate change is questionable. Yes child, I know you face a bleak life on an uninhabitable planet, but I wanted a cute baby to cuddle.

I agree with the first part of this. We (collectively speaking) are always on our phones which our parents weren't because mobiles didn't exist. Even though we try not to, children do pick up on us constantly checking. I have to work really hard not to have my phone out but my husband uses his for work and I see our DC notice.

I think having designated times where phones have to be switched off for a few hours is a good idea.

I made the decision when DC were born never to post their names or faces on social media. I'm happy with this decision as they grow up as I feel they have not consented to being posted online. My real friends see my DC in real life anyway, or I can text my friends photos, so if I posted a photo of my DC in Insta or Facebook I'd only be doing it for validation from a bunch of acquaintances whom I don't speak to much in real life. This is not a valid reason.

My mum used to embarrass me getting the old photo albums out, showing pics of me in my nappy to my new boyfriends. I used to cringe. Nowadays mothers end up sharing those photos online for 18 years.

Not to sound gloomy, but I think having children at all when faced with climate change is questionable. Yes child, I know you face a bleak life on an uninhabitable planet, but I wanted a cute baby to cuddle.

This is NOT why I had DC.

I think its interesting to reflect on where you are an outlier when it comes to parenting. I feel like a pretty average parent in most ways but the one thing that seems to stand out to others is the degree of independence I encourage in my child, and the way I talk openly in a child-friendly way about big "adult" stuff like death (partly unavoidable due to some big bereavements we've had). I genuinely don't know if they will be a more rounded, mature adult as I hope or whether they will end up thinking I didn't allow them to be a child for long enough. But I think in general the things you do that are a bit outside the norm are the things your child might reflect on in adulthood.

You'll be moaning if the economy goes to shit and there's no pension for you though. Paid for by our childrens tax contributions.