What are we getting wrong

[Disco2022]

Have had some interesting conversations with women recently about how we feel we have "broken the cycle" of parenting that we experienced. We feel pretty positive about not repeating the mistakes we felt like our parents made (admittedly we all come from fairly abusive/narcissistic mother/absent father backgrounds). We all feel happy with how we are doing so far with parenting, can see day to day things we would improve but overall it's going well (all have children under 10). But in the wisdom of Philip Larkin and the law of average we are bound to be getting something wrong- what will our children resent in us? I find so much in common with other women in their 30s in the ways that we were raised that harmed us. What will our children be talking about in this way in 20 years?

Access to tech.

There's no way you can tell when in the thick of it, it's only in hindsight, and we are all doing the best we can.

I will say that my mum who tried very hard to undo patterns of violence and control and never being listened to/taken seriously etc probably leant too much the other way and never pushed either me or my sister out of our comfort zones and as a consequence we both struggle with trying new things especially if they are scary/uncomfortable.

@Mothergoosesbiggestfan as in IPads/phones?
Haven't come across this too much so far (my son is only 4) but I did spend a large proportion of my youth watching TV and playing computer games and it definitely isn't one of the things I remember as harmful. But maybe because it was less insidious? I teach teens and the things they see/do on TikTok and the online bullying is harrowing.

I teach secondary to. It's the teenage years that it'll go wrong with tech. Or pre teen.

I think this generation will struggle to self motivate and to enjoy their own company due to the huge degree of engagement and stimulation they get from their parents constantly.

How do you know it's constant?

You only need to read a handful of Mumsnet posts about people struggling to keep their kids occupied to realise that current parents feel a huge amount of pressure to be engaging meaningfully with their kids whenever they're with them. I think it's a side effect of how hard most people are forced to work these days. Many kids spend long days in school and WAC and so when they are at home their parents feel like they need to really "be present" with them, which leads to constant entertainment. At least that's how it is in my circles.

When I see parents smugly tucking into cake whilst saying ‘He’s still never had any sugar and he’s 5 now’ I just imagine the kids as adults telling a counsellor about how it felt to be the only one at birthday parties who wasn’t ever allowed any of the nice food.

Regarding tech, what is it that the kids will say we got wrong?

In my mind, our children are going to be the opposite of us and so won't want to use smart phones and prefer to be exploring the outdoors. They will resent us for using our phones a lot and putting them Infront of the TV
Then into teenager years they will tell us off for not having a Tesla powerwall and an electric car soon enough.

Oh right ok. Something in doing right then. I do spend a lot of time with my children playing but they also have quiet time and my 3 year old can play nicely on his own.

Re tech... either too much or not enough depending on you're parenting style. This will be impossible to get right.

Yes I think so

Wait til you hit the teen years and tech. Not easy.

I believe the gentle parenting often falls into permissive parenting. Kids become risk adverse in their learning and unable to cope with failure.
I see a complete lack of resilience in many kids which translates into anxiety in the teen years.

Not sure about this generation, but my mum says the thing she didn't predict was the obesity issue. My brother is obese and I'm overweight, both our parents are a healthy weight. She feels that she failed as a parent in this respect, but it didn't even occur to her that this would be an issue when we were growing up.

In every other way she was a wonderful mum, and she definitely "broke the cycle" and was a much better parent than her own parents were.

I work in education and do agree with the points made regarding children being overly engaged with their parents, however, I work with many families whose parents are glued to their phones and are not present at all. Children, even young children, pick up on this.

re WAC and engagement etc is that parents doing it wrong or just making the best of the situation they’re in? If they have to work they have to work, and surely better for them to then actually Do something with the children when they can rather than ignore them for the sake of children being more independent. Blame the system (where people are expected to work all hours) rather than the parenting. My children aren’t in WAC every day so it’s slightly different, but I find that they play more independently if they have had a good stint of proper engagement with me

Always being on our phones and not giving them full attention. My husband’s really bad for being on his all the time and not listening to the children and I go on mine much more than I would like. I also worry about how much I photograph them and I am trying to limit what I put on social media now.

I often wonder and worry about this. My parents were pretty great on the whole but weren't perfect and I do feel that some of their behaviours as I was growing up have affected me negatively as an adult. I don't resent that at all because they were genuinely doing their best but that just makes me wonder... I'm doing my best with my DC but which of my behaviours will they later wish were different?

Probably best not to think about it too much as it's impossible to know while you're in the thick of it. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, after all.

To be fair I think some of the most misguided parenting I’ve seen has come from those obsessing about ‘breaking the cycle’. There’s something very defiant and fearful and sometimes a bit obsessive in that approach. There are obviously things we know not to do because we’ve sadly learned the hard way. But you ultimately need to live in the now and make sure you’re doing what feels right in itself for your children, not in comparison to what came before.

There will be something. No parent is perfect. We can't get it right all the time.

Anecdotally some parents are too indulgent - every whim is catered for. The young teen results of this parenting are either very wet and anxious or Verruca Salt types who can’t cope not getting their own way which alienates them from their peers. So you can be too nice…

Even on this thread people can’t agree on how children are being ruined

Or there are people who see a snapshot of a child and jump to presume this is what it's like.

My parents would definitely say I never say no and give my boy anything bit it's absolutely not true. They just form their opinion in the odd times they see us.

See I think parents these days are under sooo much scrutiny about getting it right, being judged for being a certain type of parent (helicopter, gentle, tiger mummy etc etc)
We are put into categories and it's horrible.
It's like we are being graded in school on our parenting.

Very true Biased