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Parenting

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Original poster

Do you stop and help?

37 replies

SpinningFloppa · 28/10/2022 13:48

Would you get involved if a child was having a tantrum in the street or other public place? I’m on a few parent groups and I’ve noticed recently people being upset that no one helped them when their child was having a tantrum. It never occurred to me to think people expected help in this situation from passers by and I have 4 children and have never expected anyone to stop and help. Would you?

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MolliciousIntent · 28/10/2022 13:50

How could a stranger help with a tantrum!? Someone else trying to intervene would definitely make my toddler 100% more upset.

NuffSaidSam · 28/10/2022 13:50

If someone looked like they needed help e.g. had multiple children/a dog/was near a busy road/in a glassware shop etc. I'd help, but not generally for a 'normal' tantrum.

NuffSaidSam · 28/10/2022 13:51

MolliciousIntent · 28/10/2022 13:50

How could a stranger help with a tantrum!? Someone else trying to intervene would definitely make my toddler 100% more upset.

I think it would be helping around the tantrum rather than getting involved with the tantruming child directly.

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Hollyhead · 28/10/2022 13:51

I’d offer practical support if they had additional issues (such as a dropped bag, runaway trolley or something)but I would help with the actual tantrum! That would be weird.

Soubriquet · 28/10/2022 13:53

No. And I wouldn’t appreciate anyone else intervening anyway.

It’s embarrassing when you can’t be seen controlling your child but when someone tries to step in, it’s humiliating

RoseslnTheHospital · 28/10/2022 13:56

No, not unless someone directly asked me for help. I would assume that a stranger wading in would make matters worse not better. I can't see how it would help me if my child was badly kicking off and then I suddenly also had to deal with a total randommer trying to get involved.

Alitlebitsleepy · 28/10/2022 13:56

Oh gosh no, and I’d find it very strange if someone did get involved. I would think they were getting involved because they thought I wasn’t coping well or doing a good job with my child. Also, a stranger probably wouldn’t deal with tantrums in the same way as the parent would which would be confusing for the child. It annoys me even if people I know step in to ‘help’ with a tantrum because their methods are inconsistent with mine and I find it undermining.

there was one occasion when DD had a huge tantrum outside a supermarket and I ended up sat down on the pavement cuddling her for quite a while so she would calm down. Another mum came over to check everything was okay. That was nice but not the same as interfering mid-tantrum. It must have looked a little peculiar us both sat on the pavement having a cuddle.

Cuppasoupmonster · 28/10/2022 13:58

Not unless help was obviously needed (shopping bags falling everywhere, kid throwing toys out the pram) etc.

Topseyt123 · 28/10/2022 14:04

I wouldn't touch the tantrumming child, no. I might offer to do something practical like hold the dog's lead for a few minutes, hold the pushchair steady while they stuffed said child into it, help if the parent was trying to manage heavy shopping too.

I'd generally be sympathetic, while at the same time thanking my lucky stars that mine are all grown up now and that phase is long in the past for us. But no, it's not my place to actually try to manage someone else's small child.

SkylightSkylight · 28/10/2022 14:04

Depends on the individual situation & the body language of the adult

Eupraxia · 28/10/2022 14:04

I was in soft play a few days ago and a Mum has an approx 18 month old strapped into a highchair for nearly the whole time while they screamed and tamtrumed (older sibling/s playing).

I desperately wanted to help (I was on close by table) but didn't because I knew Mum would have felt judged or more awkward by me coming forward.

RedHerring24 · 28/10/2022 15:04

I wouldnt step in on a tantrum unless there was something I could physically do like grab their shopping, dogs lead, fetch anything child had lobbed or left behind etc.

The only time so far I have offered to help where a screaming baby was concerned was in the carpark of the hospital. Parking bays are super narrow and no parent & child spaces. A new mum was trying to get the baby and car seat into the car but the person next to her had parked so close that she couldnt.
I offered to take baby whilst she moved the car. Baby was having a full on meltdown. My DD was only a few weeks old at this point too so they were screaming at each other.
The other mum literally cried when I offered to help as so many people walked past while she was distressed.

cookiecreammmpie · 28/10/2022 15:10

No because I'm usually busy with my own kids. I've had other people try to help when my own have had a tantrum and it doesn't work. Kids aren't going to be comforted by a stranger in the middle of a meltdown and I found them patronising. I've helped someone in the past but that was another mum outside the school gates and that was just picking up bags and coat the child had thrown while she was struggling to get them into school.

BonesOfWhatYouBelieve · 28/10/2022 15:17

I might do something like offer to hold a bag if it looked like they were struggling, but generally I'd just offer a supportive smile. When DD has had a tantrum I mainly wanted to know I wasn't bothering other people, rather than needing any actual help.

I grabbed a toddler at the library the other day who had got away from his mum and was running out the door onto the street as I walked in - a safety thing like that is the only time I'd intervene directly.

AuntieDickhead · 28/10/2022 15:18

No because I think it could potentially come across as condescending and looking like I thought the parent was doing something wrong. I'd offer to hold bags/ dogs whatever though.

I remember being out with a friend when our DC were small, about 15 years ago now. Her DD had a tantrum and a random stranger came over and got involved. She told the child that if she stopped crying her Mummy could take her to McDs for chicken nuggets. Which actually worked, until my friend then told her DD that they couldn't go to McDs because it's not halal.

Waitingfordecember · 28/10/2022 15:21

Hollyhead · 28/10/2022 13:51

I’d offer practical support if they had additional issues (such as a dropped bag, runaway trolley or something)but I would help with the actual tantrum! That would be weird.

This.

I would be so stressed if someone tried to ‘help’ directly when my toddler was having a tantrum. It would 100% make him worse to have a stranger try to intervene.

BryceQuinlanTheFirst · 28/10/2022 15:24

No I would just give a sympathetic smile.

Once on a bus journey my son was trying to rip my hair out and capsize the pram and the mum next to me was lovely, not judgemental at all and she just quietly ask if there was anything she could do to help me. I did appreciate it though there wasn't. She could even see my son is autistic. She was so nice

Twinklenoseblows · 28/10/2022 15:30

When I've seen those kind of posts they've often complaining about the fact people stand and stare rather than offering to help. I've always assumed they're objecting to staring without helping rather than people just leaving them to it if that makes sense?

I've also seen some where parents of an older ND child have been physically struggling to keep their child safe during a meltdown, e.g. by a busy road, and no-one offering to help.

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 28/10/2022 15:33

I think it’s natural to look if there is a loud commotion

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SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 28/10/2022 15:35

I had help twice with DS when he was having tantrums and honestly I was so thankful I could have cried.

The first time was on his first day of nursery, had to walk there and had to carry 3 different bags and an umbrella. DS decided he didn't want to go so I was half dragging him down the street and he kept throwing himself down on the floor. A school mum offered to carry the bags for me so I could carry DS.

Second time was doing a big shop, DS had a tantrum and he wiggled out of the trolley seat and launched himself at me (for a cuddle!) which kicked the trolley down the aisle. I caught DS and landed on the floor myself. About three people came over to help, one took my trolley and my list and finished my shop for me, two helped me up. All three (they were shopping together) came with me to the tills and helped me there and the staff did too. Was so lovely.

So yes, I would offer to help. In a practical sense. I wouldn't appreciate someone trying to get involved with parenting, but the tasks around it I certainly would.

Reluctantadult · 28/10/2022 15:38

A lady was struggling past my front door once with a dog, a baby and a tantruming toddler. She looked close to the edge. I didn't really think, went out the door and offered her a yoyo bear kids snack to use as bribery. She declined and looked at me like I'd grown an extra head. I felt very foolish!

MaggieFS · 28/10/2022 15:41

Agree with pp, no help needed with the actual tantrum, but practical help with bags/pushchair/second child etc would be welcome.

Having said that, I have a wonderful friend who is a nanny with an amazing ability to distract my son out of tantrums when I fail, so perhaps that could be helpful!!

KatherineJaneway · 28/10/2022 15:42

No, it wouldn't occur to me to help as I'd have no idea how I could help as I do not know what was going on. Runaway trolley, parent falling over etc, yes that is easy to help. But a child just screaming and shouting, I'd just walk past.

BigusBumus1 · 28/10/2022 16:12

I once helped someone in a supermarket. I was waiting behind a woman in the queue who had a roughly 6 week old baby in the carrycot bit of her trolley. She was trying to put her huge amount of shopping onto the conveyor but her baby was wailing and wailing, obviously distressed and /or hungry. I said do you want me to unpack and bag up your shopping whilst you hold your baby? She was so grateful. I had my 3 year old with me at the time so she could see i wasn't a nutter.

Flowerfairy101 · 28/10/2022 17:00

I probably wouldn't but might ask if they were ok. My toddler would probably obey a total stranger instantly over me at the moment so I might find it helpful. Once DD was refusing to bend her legs into a shopping trolley and a lady stopped and offered to help which I declined but I did really appreciate the offer.

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