“Don’t be upset, he’ll grow out of it”

[Calmondeck]

How would you react to a very close friend and mother of a same aged baby (16 months) telling you “your baby is very sensitive, don’t be upset, he’ll grow out of it”.

I’m really taken aback by my friend saying this. Maybe I’m being a precious first time mum, but I think my little guy is such a sweetie. He’s definitely cautious, a shy smiler, a sharer (mostly to hand something to another child to avoid a confrontation), a light sleeper, easily startled, and seems to get overwhelmed by other kids after some time (ie will play for up to an hour but after that, he’s over it). He’s been like this since the moment he popped out.

I have been trying to reduce the duration of play dates with my friend’s baby, who is also a sweetie but at times can be very loud screaming, and is a hitter and snatcher. I know this is developmentally normal behaviour, I can just see my son, initially excited to see his buddy, grow quickly tired of him. In the absence of my friend putting up boundaries to stop some of her son’s more negative behaviours (direct hitting), I sometimes make excuses and leave.

My friend seems to think I’m deserving of sympathy for my son’s temperament. I previously brushed it off but it’s really starting to frustrate me after receiving a long message from her about the “challenges” of “sensitive children” and that she’s “always here to listen”. The dilemma is, I have no problem with my child’s behaviour or temperament and am triggered by the assumption that he needs to change.

How do I respond to her without losing my cool and making this a baby comparison ?

So you’re upset at your friend judging your child, while your judging your friends child at the same time.

Send her a long message back offering to help her face the challenges of boisterous children!

But seriously just don’t rise to it, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Just change the subject or ignore when she brings it up

You're "triggered" by her message? Do you have PTSD then?

Babies don’t have friends. They’re at least 3-4 before they start to firm an attachment to specific children. Until then, it’s just another thing in their space that they’re indifferent to.
So don’t continue the ‘play dates’ for the sake of your son

Laugh and tell her you don’t have a problem with your child’s natural character and they all have to learn social skills that don’t come naturally.

Just don't respond or say "good to know" or other short response. You have no need to worry. Who can really tell that much at 16 months!

I'd just ignore her on this. Your DS sounds perfectly normal to me and doesn't need her input.

Just continue as you are.

I'd rather have a quiet child than a screaming hitting one at any age. FWIW most things at this age are changeable and in a month it could be the other way around. She's probably just chatting shit to deflect from her embarrassment at how rowdy her own child comes across (even though it's normal at that age we still get embarrassed by our kids lol).

No you’re not being precious. It’s really patronising of your friend to take it upon herself to comment on your DC and sympathise with you about his sensitive nature.

I’d deflect any direct comments with “well everyone’s different” repeatedly.

But I don’t think you should ignore her DC hitting yours. Does she not do anything at all? I’d make it clear that you’re leaving because she won’t even try to stop her DC hitting yours.

If she does, she doesn't have to disclose her diagnosis every time she posts. And those of us with PTSD/C-PTSD don't have the monopoly on being triggered. Many mental health conditions have triggers.

Well said @PeekabooAtTheZoo.

Just ignore her - both behaviours are developmentally appropriate for the age and you can tell her this.

Your DS will also very likely to go through a stage of snatching, hitting etc too but hasn’t reached that point yet. Your friend may actually be feeling over-sensitive and conscious that her child is more hard-going at the moment and has to be watched constantly, whilst yours is more chilled. Most children will go through both of these stages at different times so no need for anyone to be labelling a child as ‘sensitive’ or ‘aggressive’ etc at 16 months old.

I’d just say that you’re pleased that he seems to be sensitive and mild mannered and that it’s considered a sign of intelligence and you’re excited to see who he grows into. Then ask if hers has grown out of bashing and snatching yet?

I'd message back and tell her that I'm here for her too and I know how difficult it must be dealing with such a spirited child, but I'm sure they'll grow out of it 🤣

She is judging you; you are judging her.

Sounds like you need a break from each other.

They both sounds like normal kids tbh, humans have different personalities.

I don't think you need to agonise about it.

This. You think your baby is perfect and hers is a shouty loud terror. She thinks hers is perfect and yours is overly sensitive. Highly likely that both babies are entirely within the normal range and you each see your own child through the lovely rosy light of motherhood - which is as it should be. She'll probably be mortified in a few years when she realises what a jerk she has been.

Ignore. I have a friend whose eldest DC is exactly the same age as my youngest, they are very different and she’s so intolerant of my DC. She must think her way is the right way because she makes comments about other friends’ DCs to me so I’m not naive to think she’s not doing the same about mine! Some people are really judgey and there’s no changing that.

(I definitely judge too by the way, but I would never pass comment on a friends’ DC, even when one yanked my hair (he was only 1 to be fair)).

Reply, 'yes I'm so lucky he's so mild mannered, thankfully no hitting, snatching or tantrums to deal with! '

Acheyknees has it in one

I would reduce contact for a bit. I wouldn’t want my child hit either

I'd say hitting and screaming at 16m isn't normal and comes from attention seeking as a result of poor parenting.

Rise above it OP. You know what's really going on so ignore her.

Oh man, this would wind me up something rotten. I'm angry on your behalf.

I mean, this will probably end a friendship.... but there's a YouTube video of Jordan Peterson (is that his name?) bloke talking about how children need to be socialised by the age of 4yrs old. Parents who leave aggression unchecked will generally end up with a child who doesn't have any mates and their life is ruined (in a nutshell - don't quote me). It's that kind of thing anyway

I'd find the video and send it to her saying 'made me think of X' (insert her babies name) it really is a difficult period isn't it. Here if you want to chat.

Your friend sounds like a prick.

Or I'd go back with, yeah my baby really does only like to with other more studious babies. He does find babies with attention problems hard work.

I'd have to go back with something fairly cutting to be fair. Lol.

But otherwise just give her a wide birth for a while.

I literally feel the OMG anger, how rude, on your behalf.

Just reply “they all have their own personalities don’t they? We are quite happy with how our little one is doing thanks”