Where to turn when I'm alone and at breaking point

[redjoker]

My 5 year old is hateful and angry and sometimes I lose total control over him. I am often alone as my partner works shifts

I have no family closeby

Does anyone have any practical places I can turn for help? I feel helpless and like i need help but I don't even know where to start

OP, if you need a sympathetic ear for emotional support and advice/any signposting, Family Lives are very good.

They truly understand.

www.familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline
(between 9am-9pm)

Best of luck x

Really really helpful thankyou

Thanks all. He is just asleep. It's been a calm but long bedtime.

He told me he loved me before he fell asleep and we had another cuddle, But I feel so numb.

Feel like I dread sleep becuase ill have to do it all again.

I'll have to explore this 'bullying' he has one ear slightly larger than the other. And from tonight and things I've peiced together since start of term..I think he's very aware of it and worried about it

Thanks for all the hand holding when I feel so alone

I've read everything and will try my best to follow up all advice.

Did he go to nursery before school? Or pre school? How did he settle there? Or is this his first experience of being away from you?

Hes been at nursery 5 days a week since 10 months old so he's an old hand at it bless him. We have lore time together now than ever

I cannot recommend "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene highly enough.

I understand why you are so overwhelmed OP. Did ALL of this behaviour start with school? Has he been otherwise developmentally typical both socially and in private?

He sounds very like me if I'm honest. I have PDA, a profile of Autism and CPTSD from complex childhood trauma.

I think in the short term while making contact with help you must stop punishments/time outs etc. He is hugely emotionally dysregulated (for whatever reason that may be) and despite the fact it's a very 'typical parent' response and completely understandable - it's not helping him or you.

There is a lot to unpack here and you need professional help. What you said about his reaction to dinner strikes a chord with me - this is a typical reaction in a child with inexplicably and unmanageably high anxiety. Anxiety so high any decision making must be done completely autonomously and without pressure and all requests/questions feel like pressure (to answer).

How often are these meltdowns in response to a request, question or change in task? Does he have any control over himself during? Does he acknowledge his behaviour afterwards at all?

Reframe these away from tantrums for now, these are not tantrums. Reframe what's really needed short term (as someone said above about are shopping trips needed). This is important, and much easier in principle than practice. But not everything matters and giving in is NOT ALWAYS WRONG. Something is wrong already, and adjusting expectations of him to be as minimal as possible in the meantime might help with the outbursts.

PDA sounds very familiar to me. The first time this happened we were at a pumpkin patch and choosing the pumpkin was just like a massive trigger. The next time was in a shop choosing sweets. since those big blow ups its just got worse and is now over very simple things.

Ill take a look into this thankyou. Everything you've said rings true. This is all so complex with so many layers I think its going to be a bit of a rollercoster for us.

Listen to the PP advising the Explosive Child strategies (audiobook is good). What I like about it most is that it doesn’t assume a diagnosis, just a child having difficulties.

You say three weeks ago he was a different child. Do you mean this? Did he have no difficulties before? That is very sudden and extreme.

Yes really; he certainly had normal 'moments' like not getting dressed, hated brushing his teeth, wasnt great at sharing with other children, but all very managable and over and done with very quickly

This morning for example my OH has arrived home, hes in a good mood and having fun, but randomly and out of no where is snappy- then reverts back to being happy again

He has no desire to leave the house, OH was planning on a trip to a local museum, but he doesnt want to go..so thats it?

We are both feeling anxious on his behalf but trying not to show that and be calm and confident and upbeat, but it feels like we have a ticking timebomb

Glad you’re all okay this morning. Get hold of the book if you can. There is an accompanying website. It is really helpful for working out the strategies you want to use.
I hope I didn’t come across as disbelieving about the three weeks. Often with tricky kids, we have learned as parents to do what works with them for so long that we don’t even realise they’re tricky. Until they reach a limit and explode. At the same time as thinking that though, I do think such a sudden change is very concerning. Hopefully you have a supportive school who can signpost and advise when he is back next week.
For some children, we underestimate how hard it must be to start school. New place, new expectations, new people and relationships, leaving the known safety of nursery or home to somewhere that feels so different, despite the best efforts of reception staff and schools.

My autistic 9YO was like this when he started school. I can't say what's improved or changed really. We got him assessed. We worked out what set him off. A lot of the time I've found its just better to leave him alone. Especially when he has a meltdown. He needs downtime after school and every day without fail he goes into the garden alone for 30 minutes to unwind. We let a lot of things slide that people on MN would be horrified by. As he has gotten older, he is also more self aware and is happy to learn about autism himself. He is better at recognising and asking for what he needs now which also helps. He asks to he alone a lot. Although other kids don't always understand or respect that.

We try to give him as much notice about things as possible. We countdown to things. Like tea is in 30 minutes, tea is in 15 minutes. Tea is in 5 minutes. That's tea ready. He reacts much better to that than just being told tea is ready and being expected to come and eat it.

Definitely keep speaking to the school. He might be 'fine' now when he's 5YO. DC school said the same to me at that age. But by 7YO he was still behaving like a 5YO when his peers had settled.

He just tried on a Halloween costume, something I was dreading, It wasn't quite right (in his mind) and he shouted 'I'm ugly!' he then hit me three times and screamed I hate you

I told him, please don't hit, lets take it off and go and do something else and now hes moved on. He moved on for a second but then came along and hit me three more times whilst I was in a different room. 'I hate my mum!!' 'I'm ugly!!'

I think there is something worrying him, the way he looks, I think the comment from school about his ear is stressing him out.

The situation has diffused very fast but now I'm thinking, how do I navigate this perception of him feeling ugly and lashing out

I'm working from home whilst doing all of this, it is just such ALOT

As always I appreciate all of this, I have very few people to talk to as have a very small family and circle of friends

could you look at something like play therapy for him ?

He’s still so young. Have a trawl on Amazon for books about different people. Eg All are welcome, Our class is a family.
Then some on emotions and connection eg The invisible String, Listening to my body.
I think No Matter What by Debbi Gliori would be a great one to read to him when he is calm. You can see it on YouTube but I personally don’t like how she reads it!

I definitely think you should seek help- and I typed some ideas yesterday. But it’s a new behaviour and he’s very young so it might all settle more quickly than you imagine.

It’s really difficult when they start hitting you. You need to respond by both reassuring him that you love him (when he says he hates you), and putting in boundaries around hitting (which is difficult). When I was being bitten, I gave DS a chew toy to bite instead, and have held up cushions for him to thump instead of me. He’s grown out of that now (it does pass!) and can verbalise his issues much better, but it takes time to get there.
What exactly about the costume was wrong? Clothes were (are) a trigger for my DS’s sensory issues. I still remember the massive meltdown caused by school shopping the first time. Anything which is scratchy or starchy or has seams or doesn’t feel right or sit right or has not been washed in the right powder or fabric softener…
I feel your pain, honestly.

Yes I think as much as I want to follow the advise of not punishing these behaviors I do need some firm lines about... 'no hitting' (and whatever comes next!) Today so far he has played well, he is very invested in role play and OH is here and fully engaging him. We have agreed to limit choice and stop bombarding him with options. at the very least my OH is on the same page as me which is good.

I feel like this is a drip feed but the more people mention these things they just fit together, I never really saw it before but clothes seem to be a massive trigger and i think they always have, Socks slightly too long, Tshirt slightly the wrong green. He went through a year long phase of black tshirt, black pants, black socks, black everything, literally for a year

today the outfit just wasn't what he imagined, which is hard for me to help him with, he builds up and idea and finds it hard to accept small differences

I feel like a twat really that i haven't noticed these pattern before- not that I know what it all means!

You are definitely not a twat. Most likely, you have been adjusting things without realising so that your DS can cope, and what has happened is that something at school (or school itself) has tipped him into a situation which he cannot cope with and has gone beyond your ability to adjust. The great thing is that you and your DH are on the same page and you both want to find a solution. That might take time, but you are paying attention to your DS and what he needs.

You have already had many recommendations on this thread, but the book I found useful was ‘the out of sync child’ which is about sensory issues. This may not be the issue, of course, but it is good with strategies for lots of different situations and if I recall, also considers anxiety and autism. But I think speaking to the school will also be important and I wish you well with that.

This post is getting older by the day, But I just wanted to thank everyone in it before It turns into a Zombie thread

I know a few weeks of bad behavior to some people would be a walk in the park but for me this was shocking and unexpected

Things have pretty much gone back to normal now, for how long who knows...Maybe ill eat my words next week 😶.

I just wanted to say to anyone desperately scrawling old threads like I did that sometimes school is just tough, being 5 is just tough and things can just even out

Thanks all again

sorry to open up an old thread.

x

Sounds awful @redjoker , have you got anywhere with the school ?

That’s great news. Sometimes things seems so awful then they do get better. I’m glad for you. Take care.