Where to turn when I'm alone and at breaking point

[redjoker]

My 5 year old is hateful and angry and sometimes I lose total control over him. I am often alone as my partner works shifts

I have no family closeby

Does anyone have any practical places I can turn for help? I feel helpless and like i need help but I don't even know where to start

I'm trying to approach him with love and caring. Trying to comfort him when he seems angry and distressed.

Up until 3 weeks ago I was a typical mum who shouted when he wasn't dressed the usual stuff. But now I'm turning into a complete drip becuse in all honestly I feel scared of him

He is strong. I'm not. He's seen me cry and shown empathy but the novelty of that is wearing off. I've stopped getting upset in front of him to try and remain clear and strong and consistent and not appear weak.

I've suffered with post natal depression up until he was around 1.5 and finally felt noemal

And now I feel like im at home. Alone with a angry child and the worlds doors are closed for the evening

Thanks for replying. I've never felt so helpless

@redjoker Oh bless you OP you sound like me when I was first going through this with my daughter. Honestly I used to sit there and think about running away and leaving them with social or something, it was awful. I felt like the worlds shittest mum but I'm not and neither are you.
They are so small and have such zero idea of how to sort of help themselves, we end up getting the backlash as we are their safe space/person.
Go back to the school or write an email and detail all his behaviour down and ask for a meeting with the SENCO and his teacher and hopefully they can help him more.
With my kids school they had a mixed playground also so reception was in with year 6.

The things my kids would come out with was awful. Talking about death, body parts, bloody Squid games! Just so much shit that was passed down from elder kids and it's too overwhelming for them to deal with I think.
When I went to the doctor they just said you need to get on at school and if it still persists speak to camhs as maybe something is underlying. With my 2 it was ADHD and Autism amongst other bits.
It's honestly like when my kids hit year they had personality changes over night.

My son could be very violent and smash his own head of concrete walls at times.

The minute the school stoped the kids from bothering my son he calmed down. I really hope it's the same for you son and he gets the help he needs and you x

Google primary PRU in your area- Pupil referral units. They work with angry children with the goal of reintegrating them. They might be able to give you some strategies.

Contact your HV first thing tomorrow. It might be quicker than a GP appt. Or try the school nursing team. They might be able to refer you to CAMHS and possibly a paediatrician.

Let school know- ask to meet with the Senco (special needs coordinator) and parent support advisor/pastoral support.

Consider looking into a private OT- there are mental health ones, but a sensory assessment might be useful too- will likely be expensive but have a chat with them and see if they have any suggestions initially.

Have a read around Zones of Regulation.

Take care

Where is he now? What is your plan for the evening? Bath, nice bedtime routine? Where will he sleep?
Ring childline? CAMHS duty number?

He told me he wanted me to die because I asked 'would you like some dinner?' so I told him it's time for a time out.

I'm very confused by this OP, he said he wants to die and you thought the appropriate response was to punish him by shutting him in his room? I'm sorry to be harsh but don't you think that might be why he thinks you hate him?

He's telling you that he absolutely can't cope with the big emotions inside him and he needs to see you be calm and have control over this situation so he can feel safe. When he says he hates you and gets really angry you need to allow him to get that anger out and over with safely and with love. You need to be clear what is and is not ok - ie provide him with something he can hit like a beanbag, but that hitting you or breaking things is not ok. Tell him you love him no matter what and mean it, stay calm and be clear, make him feel like you have control. Crying in front of him over his behaviour is really not going to help him IMO.

Look for things that may be triggering these outbursts - write everything down and see if you can spot any patterns. Have you ever given in to him having a tantrum and given him what the wants? That is something you need to avoid at all costs. If he can't cope with shopping because he always wants something and can't cope with no - then don't take him. Order online instead. Don't put him in situations you know he can't handle right now. Don't ask too much of him. Don't ask him if he's ready for dinner just tell him dinner is ready.

Just be clear, calm and consistent at all times with lots of talking about what is going to happen today (to prepare him for things) warn him before changes in activities and have as much of a routine that is the same every day as you can - that might all really help him. I'd say he also really, really needs his own safe space, a bedroom to himself if he doesn't already - but don't make it a place for punishment, it needs to be a good, safe space.

I think he's feeling really unsafe at the moment - quite possible due to school - and you need to make home as safe a place as you can while you try to work out what's going on.

He said he wanted her to die

Really - where do you draw the line for this, my partner is a trauma surgeon, should he come home (leaving hospital short). Or those in the military. Get a grip, some jobs you can’t leave for very clear reasons.

I think that you’ve had some good advice OP.

I really feel for you - it is extremely hard to solo parent when you feel vulnerable and are finding your feet too. I’m sending good wishes to you and lots of kindness to your little bean.

My other half has managed to get back for 30 min and has to leave again very soon. He's managed to Bath him and is now getting his pjs on. This is the time when he starts to trigger (today he's triggered in every word I say but the last 3 weeks bedtime have been awful)

So far he is calm but he is very uncompliant

But my OH had now had to leave. Bad timing today but not normal for us. Usually he's here or not here not in and out.

He's now had his story and has starting buggering about. I'm trying to be calm and clear and firm but he is esculating

When he says everyone hates him, do tell him that you love him and that you like him and enjoy spending time with him, wind back a few months choose moments he will remember you had fun together. Give him some time without pressure where he leads whatever you do together so that you build up some special moments.

when he is drowsy and dropping off, go in, tell him you love him, what you enjoyed about the day (find three things) and leave him to sleep on a good note. This will make both of you feel better.

Try being super calm. Sit down. Tell him you are tired, turn the light low and shut the door with you inside the room. Put on some calming music, completely relax and wait for him to calm down with you.

My son used to be like a spiral unwinding when he came home from school. Everything used to be a battle. School said he was fine and the problem must be at home. In fact, he turned out to have sensory issues and autism and could not cope with being cooped up in a classroom all day and lacked the way of expressing this, so he just really externalised his emotions. Biting, hitting, pushing. He didn’t particularly cope with his first nursery either.
I did a lot of meditation to help myself keep calm because if I started to get stressed and upset, then it would escalate. We finally got support from a paediatric occupational therapist who gave lots of techniques for calming him down and making sure he had the right sensory input. One of the things which worked with him was deep pressure hugs, also a weighted blanket. It was a long, hard journey, because the school never really helped at all. He is at a different school now and coping so much better.
I think if this is something which has started since your son has gone to school, then the trigger may be there - but if the school are not seeing the same behaviour as you, they may just not want to know.

Let's step back a bit. What happened before he flipped? Asking a 5yr old what he wants for dinner? This can be hard for some. Would it be possible just make the dinner and we are having 'x' for dinner. Don't ask your 5 Yr old to make anymore decisions until he can....

You, MUM: needs to have control.
U need to call the shots. U know your child best, if this is alien behaviour then go back to what you know from few weeks ago before school started. Play with him, you can not just send him to his room and punish him.... explain! They might just be craving for attention as they are out of school and normal routine

Thankyou. Its very hard. Hes at a large station and often out on a shout so cannot come home.

I’m no expert but would try talking to him at a time when he’s calm and saying something like - “it can be really hard when you start going to school. Sometimes it’s hard to make friends. It can even feel like no one likes you …etc” and asking him some open questions about the other children and teachers etc. Basically trying to validate his feelings and give him a chance to talk.

Also, it can feel counterintuitive but rather than trying to shut him down when he says things like “I hate you” you can try saying “You’re feeling really angry right now. I can see that it makes you very upset when I do “x”” rather than telling him off. It’s a technique from “How to talk so kids will listen” and I was surprised by how well DS responded to it even when very upset.

I don’t think you should punish him. There’s clearly something going on and it doesn’t sound like he can control these outbursts. He’s trying to tell you he’s very distressed but can’t articulate why.

As a few other people have said I would definitely explore sen as it sounds like that could be a factor here, especially as achool seems to have been the trigger. Talk to your GP and early help hub, and school, don’t discipline him, he needs cam reassurance and for you ti be calm and safe.

I just wanted to give you some support and say we are listening and here to help.

I have a just turned 5 year old boy, just finished his first term at primary. Things we have found helpful since he started half term are getting outside as much as possible, no access to any tablet, kids YouTube even, we've literally gone cold turkey with it, he is even not asking for it now.

Does school have a mental health team? Do they have a buddy system in place with an older child?

Will he sit and draw? Can he draw some things he likes about school or something he doesn't?

What activities does he like? Spend some time doing these with him.

More sleep? He could be overtired, my DS certainly was at the end of term.

Sounds silly but I've stopped a certain brand of vitamins I was giving him, they contained sugars and I wondered if these were hyping my son up.

Sending you a handhold through this, hope you feel ok, it really is so hard some days.

To reply to a few people about how today went down. We arrived home after a car journey. We had had a normal morning. A parcel was at home for me. DC realised it wasn't for him and in no uncertain terms went off on one.

We did the normal. Tried to engage him in play food. Tried to distract. Stayed calm. But it just got bigger and bigger. Lots and lots of hateful language. All ignored. Eventually punished with a toy being removed. Things calmed.

I started playing with him and he just went off again over literally nothing. I hate you. I wish you would die. Varirious. I decided at that point to try a time out. Somthing I'd never ever had to do. I warned him if he used that language again he would go to his room for a time out. So he did it... Obviously

This descended into a total freak out. And aggressive behaviour. And lots of vile awful talk.

So I gave up and walked away because I was absolutely about to break

He took himself downstairs and i went off and called the Dr.

Things calmed after that.

Im not saying anything is perfect. I'm saying when my child is saying he wants me to die and wants to hurt me how do I cope?!

He's in bed listening to a story. He's calm but the story will end. 😔

To all those recommendeding various agencies and avenues. I hear you and I'm so so thankful.

I will explore everything

I really appreciate so much help when I feel so alone

It sounds like you are both feeling really wobbly and unsafe right now. You need to try to make yourself calm right now as he will be picking up on your feelings and he needs you to help him co-regulate. He can't do this himself yet so sending him to his room to calm down won't work. you need to be with him- either in the room or just outside so that you maintain a connection Sit with him whilst he goes to sleep. Over the next few days, keep demands on him to a minimum and keep to a routine. Use pictures to show him what is happening each day to lessen his anxiety. When he says he wants you/ him to die he may not actually mean this literally. Make sure to build some time in for yourself the next few days so you can get out of the house alone and gather your thoughts. The therapeutic parenting FB group may be helpful for you

During bedtime chat he has said alot. You hate me mum

I've met this with. Lots of love. Reaasurane. Cuddles and talk of how much we love each other.

But for example. He heard a sound at the window and stood up to look. I asked. Please lay down its time for bed. And his response is 'stop talking to me!!!!!' after being calm and relaxed. Its a mood change that happens in seconds.

He has just spoken to me saying a boy at school called him ugly. He said. How can you love me mum in ugly.

He also spoke about a much older boy (is known for bullying others in a higher year) and how this boy threw things at him

Im starting to wonder if mixing with larger children at school is affecting him?!

I need to talk to the school ASAP but that's not going to be until tuestday

Doe sthat explain all this? Does it explain a cuddle and seconds later him screaming 'leave me alone!!!!'

Im feeling so low. I appreciate all of this hand holding. I know im being pathetic

Appreciate all of this thankyou x

You are not pathetic. Just a loving, worried mum. It is fab he has been able to tell you all this. It certainly tells you a lot. He doesn't feel safe at school. Other people have said mean things and he worries you think this too. Add being out of to routine over half term and you can see why he is feeling so anxious. Bless him he is managing so much. When your anxiety goes really high it can make you a bit hyper vigilant and affect sensory processing so touch and sound may bother him at the moment. Lots of grounding activities over the next few days - walking in nature, repetitive activities e.g colouring in, sorting etc.

I think it is definitely to do with school, he is lashing out verbally because he has been upset in some form at school. His emotions will be all over the place as he tries to process what the older boy said at school.
Perhaps ask school for a chat or draft them an email. I think in the meantime lots and lots of cuddles, fuss, distraction, praise etc. Try to get more sleep for yourself so you have the energy to deal with this. This may just turn out to be temporary, fingers crossed.

He heard a sound at the window and stood up to look. I asked. Please lay down its time for bed. And his response is 'stop talking to me!!!!!' after being calm and relaxed. Its a mood change that happens in seconds.

He sounds very anxious, maybe afraid? And as though he’s probably being bullied. I wouldn’t punish when he looses control as it seems that it just makes it worse and he spirals, he cant control these crazy emotions that nither if you understand, so feeling punished or trapped makes him worse. I imagine he feels every bit as hopeless as you do during these episodes.

I can’t imagine how difficult it is to cope with OP and I really feel for you. I’d try sitting with him and giving him space to just explode when this happens and then try and comfort him when it starts to calm down and see if you can start getting to the bottom of what’s going on in his head. Hopefully it’s just a phase and will start to
pass soon.

I second the advice about contacting the school, the school nurse team and getting support from the children's centre.
But also just wanted to say that my 6 year old can say some very hurtful things to me sometimes and I think maybe he is almost testing my love and connection but it is extremely difficult to stay calm and reassuring in that moment. I try my best but don't always manage it. When I don't react in the way I wish I had I will sometimes apologise and reflect with him what happened which I think is a helpful lesson about making mistakes and owning up to them.
I hear you are trying your best and understand how difficult it is. It sounds like you're doing amazingly well. Hang in there, things will get better x