Does sleep training always work?

[Flopsy88]

Hi,
I was wondering if anyone has ever tried sleep training and it didn't work. We're planning to start tonight with our 8.5mo and I'm dreading it. I know it's going to be awful but if it's definitely going to help then I think I can handle the temporary pain! We're trying the wave method in the Happy Sleeper book but it's basically Ferber but going in every 5 minutes.

Please don't judge! I never wanted to do this, it feels so cruel but I'm just so tired. He slept through the night until the 4 month sleep regression and has since been waking every 1-2 hrs. We've had the occasional good night when he's managed a 4hr stretch but otherwise it's just been getting worse. We've tried moving bedtime earlier/later, dropping a nap etc, nothing has helped. He's never been able to settle himself and we can only put him down when he's fast asleep. He's either breastfed or rocked to sleep at bedtime but when he wakes in the night only boob will settle him. He's definitely not hungry cos he falls back to sleep straight away so I know it's the sucking association. I don't think is going to improve without some intervention to help him learn to settle himself (at least not for a long time- I do realise he won't be feeding to sleep when he's 21). So I'm just looking for some reassurance that we won't be putting him (and us) through this for no reason!

Based purely on my experience of reading MN, it generally seems to work until (insert illness, teething, minor deviation from routine here) and then needs to be repeated.

I did Ferber method with my daughter at 6.5months, it worked & then she went into her own room but there has been times since where we have had phases of her waking up in the night for maybe a week or so but always sorts itself out and I don’t think you can expect perfection.
when I did it our main problem was getting her to sleep at bedtime, wake ups in the night did happen but weren’t the issue, but honestly after night 4 she went to bed easy and slept right through.

I did sleep training with mine when they were approx 2 years old. Basically leaving them to cry, going back to reassure them once in a while etc.
DC1 - two absolutely awful nights but has been a dream ever since. He's now nearly 10. Best thing we ever did.

DC2 - after an awful week we gave up, tried again a few months later but got nowhere. He slowly improved from the age of about 3 and is enormously better now but still essentially struggles to self settle at the age of 7 and a half.

I think 8.5 months is on the young side tbh. But I know how awful sleep deprivation is. What I will say is that unless both your DP and you are 100% committed it will be a non-starter. Those first two nights with DC1 were just awful.

Please dont

sleep training is never good but you’re currently at the point where separation anxiety is at it’s highest. It would have lasting effects (no doubt I’ll be slammed for ‘scaremonging’ here). Posters will swear that sleep training worked and it may have physically worked but who knows the emotional damage it’s caused. Besides your baby won’t sleep anymore they’ll just know that you won’t come. They’ve been in this world less time than they were inside you, far too little to be left.

Ah this is such enraging nonsense!!!

OP, there is nothing ever guaranteed to work for all children. Some people find sleeping training a godsend, others find it just doesn’t work for them.

We did it for my daughter at 10 months and it was a life saver. She is now 3.5 and has always been a great sleeper AND contrary to the nonsense the PP is peddling, will absolutely crying/ call out to us if she needs us eg she’s I’ll, thirsty and can’t find her water, has a bad dream etc.

What rubbish- sleep training rarely involves cio that’s a different thing that few parents do. Equally I could guilt trip you and say what an awful parent allowing a child to have such broken sleep.

No, it’s a personality thing. It was magic for one baby (worked the first night) and failed completely on the other because he just lay there happily but never ever went to sleep alone.
I don’t think you can predict how it will go before you try it though.
We did the gradual retreat at 7 months, in case you haven’t seen that one.

@SunflowerGirl91 you literally have no evidence to back up anything you’ve said.

OP all babies are different but my DD responded really well through us getting her routine consistent (so she was tired enough but not too tired at bedtime). We stayed with her and shushed her until she fell asleep. You’ve got to commit as PP has said otherwise if they do cry it’s all for nothing.

shes 2.5 now and always calls for us in the night if she needs something. The difference is she can settle herself to sleep and actually says I’m going to bed now mummy and gets all snuggly.

also what about you as a mum OP! You deserve rest and sleep! Happy mum happy baby! These parents who martyr themselves do my head in! What sort of parent are they in the day being so sleep deprived?! Not to mention the risk of driving and crossing the road with your concentration impaired to that extent!

Thank you for your replies. I really appreciate it

@MarigoldMoonStone That gives me some hope! Thank you! We're definitely not expecting perfection and I know there'll still be regressions

@Frazzled2207 That's really useful to know. So I guess it isn't right for every child. think I'm worried that the longer we leave it the harder it might be. Plus we cannot still be in this situation when I go back to work in a couple of months!

@SunflowerGirl91 Do you have any suggestions or advice? He won't just be left to cry, we will be going in every few minutes to reassure him so he'll know we're still there. We've given this a lot of thought and I always said I wouldn't/couldn't do this unless we were at breaking point but that is where we are now. It's making me a rubbish mum. I've actually had to leave him to cry (in a safe place) during the daytime anyway because I need to take some deep breathes and have 5 minutes to myself. I used to have so much patience and I don't anymore because I'm exhausted. I sitting him in front of the TV (which I also never wanted to do!) because I just can't be bothered to entertain him or go out. I don't feel safe to drive some some days because I've so little sleep. Weaning was going well but now I'm so tired I can't pull myself together to plan what to feed him and do the food shopping so he having the same lazy meals every day. Seriously, if you have ideas I'm will to try anything at this stage!

No it absolutely doesn't always work. I tried with my first son and it was horrible. Never again.

My babies want me, they can have me.

Thank you @Chumbibi and @OnlyFoolsnMothers I'm not sure where these supermums get their special powers! I'm sure waking up every 40mins-2hrs in distress isn't great for him either

It didnt work for mine, it might have eventually but he was still screaming hours later completely distressed and shaking. His sleep regressed after we tried and he would start crying and shaking at the start of the bedtime routine as he knew what was coming.

We took a break and tried gradual retreat instead and that worked perfectly.

I nightweaned mine rather than doing Ferber. That meant they still cried but we were there to comfort. We did it a bit later though, around 11m. (Tried earlier with DS but it didn't work then). Within 3 or 4 nights their sleeping was much better and within a few weeks they slept through.

Ok so it sounds like we should be prepared for it not to work. We have tried gradual retreat but us being in there seems to make it worse. He'll lie awake in his cot laughing at us and think it's playtime but starts to get upset after a while when we don't pick him up again. There's never been a 'drowsy but awake' window. Nightweaning would be good too, then at least DP could do some of the wake ups but he just screams until he gets a boob in his mouth. If DP goes in during the night and picks him up and rocks/cuddles/shushes him he gets more and more wound up until I take over. Perhaps we just need to persevere with this until he gets used to it

What you're suggesting worked with our DD when she was about 7ish months. She still woke for feeds (which for us was fine as we weren't aiming to night wean), and even once that stopped she has always called/cried if she wakes in the night and needs us - she's 3.5 now.

I honestly think it depends on the childs temperament. Even if I personally believed in it, I know my DD would never ever settle herself crying. She never has - she is a very attached child who needs alot of physical comforting. She would end up vomiting.
Also that sleep is developmental - they all get there eventually. So do not be put off if its not working for you at the moment.

How did you get on op?

It worked for us and was life saving. Controlled crying (Ferber).

It worked for both of mine at 7 months. Now 19 and 16 and no psychological problems.

Thank you for your responses! The first night went so much better than I expected. He cried for 20 minutes, it was horrible but we went in every 5 minutes and reassured him without picking him up. He fell asleep at 7:30pm, woke once in the night for a feed and settled himself again (he's never done that before!) then slept until 7:30am. It was the most sleep we've all had in months. I have no idea how tonight will go, it might have been a fluke!

Sounds promising!

well done OP! Hope you enjoyed some rest (although suspect you were up checking all night 🤣)

Worked for us twice and for the majority of my friends and sister. There are different methods but I’d definitely do it sooner than later- much harder when older.

The idea that a baby waking every hour is better than learning how to sleep is, frankly, ridiculous.

I remember being in a state and absolutely exhausted. It was the best thing we ever did for our family, relationship and sanity.

Good luck. Have some podcasts/programmes to watch when doing it to distract you slightly.

Sorry, I just saw your update! Well done! I bet you’re feeling so much better after that. X

Hopefully not a fluke but it might be.
I am surprised you started off at 5 mins from the get go but I'm glad it only took 20 mins. Let us know how tonight goes. I'm interested for my second baby