How long is a reasonable time for me to be away from my baby?

[ConfusedAdult2001]

I'm faced with a little bit of a dilemma here. I recently had a baby (now 3 months postpartum), and moved 1.5 hours away from all of my friends and family to live with my fiance. If I ever want to go down to see them, I try to plan accordingly so I am able to spend some time with my baby before I leave and get back in time to actually spend time with her before she goes to bed. Is it okay for me to be away from her for 5-6 hours (3 MAX driving and the other 2-3 spending time with my friends and family) 1-2x per week? I just wanted some input.

I'm a young new mom and wasn't really raised by parents who were consistently there for me and my siblings growing up. For me, it's usually either I'm home all day every day or I go out like all day once a week (pre baby), so I'm just trying to find a good medium so I'm also there for my baby to spend time with her, whilst also getting a little "me time" to destress.

There's no set limit, it's what you feel comfortable with. Why can't you take the baby with you? Can you meet half way sometimes?

Can you not take the baby?

It’s really what you are comfortable with.

Longer outings can bring the hassle of pumping. It is also dependent on having a baby who takes a bottle well. One not so great meal everyone will manage, but multiple it can get stressful.

Travelling 1.5 hours 1-2 times a week even without a baby seems like a lot to me anyway.

As long as your baby is well looked after with whoever you're leaving her with (I presume your fiancé), then you can leave her for however long you like.

Considering you're still only 3 months PP, I would expect a little more effort from friends and family. They should be coming down to see you, especially if they don't have kids themselves.

Otherwise take your baby with you or meet them halfway if you feel bad leaving her.

Maybe make new friends near where you live so you can get time away from your baby and fiancé without having to leave her for a long time.

There are times where I will bring her, particularly only when I'm seeing people she's met. Not to mention this whole pandemic and all the new cases and viruses coming out now of all times.

In addition, when I do go out with friends, I kind of want to relax with them versus worrying about feedings, diaper changes, bedtime routine and schedule, and what I can or can't do with a baby attached to my hip.

Unfortunately, a lot of the people I know either don't drive, have no reliable transportation, and some simply don't want to make the commute.

I find your post a bit weird tbh. You would have had to force to be separated from my 3 months old twice a week to see friends. At this early stage I would absolutely prioritise baby over friends. A very boring view and I am sure you don’t want to hear it as you want to relax with your mates. But frankly the person that needs you most right now, more than anyone in the world is your own baby. Are you making efforts to make friends in your town too?
why are you not taking baby to see family?

covid and other viruses is a lame excuse, if you get it you can pass it to baby too. That’s literally how viruses work!

Nappy changes, routines, and all the chaos that comes with a very young baby are part of having a baby IMO

Yes you absolutely do deserve to relax and not do worry but having a 'baby attached to your hip' - you have a very little baby. She is 3 months old. You've got a lot more of this to come and your baby needs you.

I'm all for having a break every now and again as motherhood is tough. But to be away from your baby so often when they are that young. I couldn't imagine doing it myself.

A night out or a meal every few weeks or once a month is one thing. You have just had a baby who needs you. Get your 'mates' to make more of an effort to come to you.

Leaving your baby 2 times a week just to go out and see mates without having a 'baby attached to your hip'

I've just reread your post and I actually find it a bit sad to be honest. A baby isn't an inconvenience to your time out with your mates.

If they simply don't want to do the commute and can't be arsed making effort to see you, are they really worth your effort of all that driving?

When my baby was 3 months old, "me time to destress" never crossed my mind. I hated being apart from her. As for "baby attached to my hip", I detest that phrase. And my baby is now 3 and still very close to me, I don't prioritise my friends over her. Though I am a single mum and don't have that luxury.

Anyone who 'simply does not want to commute' for a mama who's 3mo pp is not worth your time.

I don't think it's helpful that people are judging you for wanting a break, because all mums need one.

However, I do think you're trying to hold onto your pre-baby life when in reality you're never going to get it back. You'll lose friends who don't want to make the effort and that's okay.

I highly recommend that you join mother and baby groups where you can meet people in a similar position. That way you can get out and about with your baby but also get to have adult conversations too. Other mums totally understand how difficult it can be getting out with a baby, but they can support you.

Enjoy this phase because they're only young for a short time.

I went back to work when my eldest was 3 months old. Was leaving the house at 8am getting home at 5. At least 3 times a week. Don’t worry as long as baby is safe and with someone you trust x

It is ok to do that, but gently, that's a lot of time to be planning to spend away from your baby every week. I completely understand what it's like to be far away, I moved 4/5 hours away from my home town before my family was born (family relocation) and the distance is too far to make the journey even infrequently.

But you're only three months post partum, it might be worth as a pp suggested, joining some mother and baby groups to try and establish a life with your new baby, rather than going to a lot of effort to see people who won't/can't come to see you and relive your old life. For good or for bad that life is gone now.

I do find this a strange idea. Driving a long journey to see mates TWICE A WEEK when your baby is 3 months old?! I definitely see the appeal of time without a baby but would probably have been more likely to do it once a month or once every couple of months. With my first born I had my first evening out with friends when she was 6 months old. I remember it clearly. I was out from 6pm to 8pm and I raced back to her afterwards! Everyone's different of course but I still can't really understand it. When my babies were 3 n

I was saying - when my babies were 3 months old I just couldn't have been bothered with all that driving and socialising. It was all just about the baby really.

I agree with this. It’s a little odd to be planning to spend so much time away from your baby to hang out with friends so soon after giving birth.

I’m going to assume you’re very young OP?

My babies always just came with me as they are so portable at that age 🤷🏽‍♀️

I left DD to work for up to two hours at a time from when she was a few weeks old.

If I had to be away for work, DD came with me and I hired a trusted babysitter to be there with us.

I did leave her with my parents for an hour when she was two months old so that I could go to the pub and have a drink with a friend but it felt really wrong so I didn't leave her for social reasons again until much later.

Apart from that my friends absolutely expected DD to be a part of whatever we did and they were supportive in that.

The only mother I know whose friends didn't get that the baby needed to come with mum in the early days was someone who had her first child in her early 20s and her friends seemed oblivious to what being a mother involves.

Are you struggling with the baby OP? I dud find those first few months incredibly tough. I didn't realise at the time but looking back I think I had mild postnatal depression.

This

Do what you are happy with
As long as the baby is well cared for it won't hurt her in the slightest
Seems like a long way to go for just a few hours. Would it be better to go for a weekend once every few months and spend quality time rather than a few hours ?

I'm going to assume you're very young OP

How patronising

It’s lovely that all the previous posters couldn’t bear to be apart from their baby but not everyone feels the same.

OP, I first left my baby when she was 4 days old. We had been readmitted to the hospital and she had to stay on the ward but I had to get off the ward. DH and I went for a coffee while she slept and was looked after by the nurses on the ward. Most posters on here would probably find my attitude weird because they just wanted to be with their baby but they aren’t me and I left her with people who were a lot more qualified than me to look after her.

I did my first keep in to cub when she was 3 months old so I left the house at 7am and got back at 6pm. I didn’t enjoy my job (I found a new job on maternity leave) but I still needed to have a bit of time being myself and not permanently with the baby. I found it wasn’t just being attached to a baby constantly hard, which it was, but also being responsible for making every single decision. If I’d had more family support, I’d have probably done more keep in touch days and probably wouldn’t have been so desperate to get back to work at 5 months.

Needing time away from your baby doesn’t make you a bad mum. It’s not weird or strange. It’s just a different perspective. I’m actually a much better mum now I’m back at work. I have a lot more patience and I enjoy our time together a lot more. I think it’s much better that you get the breaks you need and you can actually be there, be present for your daughter and enjoy it when you are with her.

Yes of course that's fine, presumably your baby is left with their other caregiver? None of you would clutch your pearls if this was a dad!