How long is a reasonable time for me to be away from my baby?

[ConfusedAdult2001]

I'm faced with a little bit of a dilemma here. I recently had a baby (now 3 months postpartum), and moved 1.5 hours away from all of my friends and family to live with my fiance. If I ever want to go down to see them, I try to plan accordingly so I am able to spend some time with my baby before I leave and get back in time to actually spend time with her before she goes to bed. Is it okay for me to be away from her for 5-6 hours (3 MAX driving and the other 2-3 spending time with my friends and family) 1-2x per week? I just wanted some input.

I'm a young new mom and wasn't really raised by parents who were consistently there for me and my siblings growing up. For me, it's usually either I'm home all day every day or I go out like all day once a week (pre baby), so I'm just trying to find a good medium so I'm also there for my baby to spend time with her, whilst also getting a little "me time" to destress.

I think that's quite a lot to be away from your very small baby. I wouldn't do it if not forced into this position. It will be distressing for her as at this age she doesn't understand yet that you will come back. I think you should take her with you for now. I get that it's more relaxing without baby but those kinds of times will come back again later, when she's a bit older x

OP how's your mood? It's quite common after having a baby to have feelings of resentment or of being trapped, even if baby was much wanted. Sometimes these can be part of postnatal depression and sometimes not. I totally get what you mean about all the palaver that goes with taking baby out and about however that is part and parcel of having a little one. At that age I would generally only be out for a few hours at a time, maybe between naps. As baby gets older you'll feel more confident doing whole days.
At 5months pp I have been out for dinner three times with friends. It's lovely but I can't imagine wanting to leave my baby twice a week.

You do what feels comfortable for you, frankly other people's opinions should not have any weight in what you decide to do.

I know lots of mum friends who had no choice but be back to work when their babies were 2 to 3 months old, leaving them with nannies or in daycare all day, 5x a week. They are all happy healthy babies who love their mums more than anything in the world and are well looked after and loved. Leaving a baby for a few hours 2x a week seems like not much in comparison.

Whether you need to leave your baby for work reasons, see friends and relax, go to gym, or even a trip, it is your business! Do what you need to keep you mental health in check.

People are different and such differences must be respected. Some may be happy having no time to themselves for years on end, and that is OK. Some need time away from their children to clear their minds, and be a good parent when they are together. And that is OK too!

Now for the friends who can't be bothered to make the commute to see you - maybe you should cross them off your list of people to visit!

I think I should clarify a few things in my post:

1. I've been back working full-time since my baby was 2.5 months old, 8-9hrs a day 5 days a week. I usually work from 11am-8pm. I spend time with her at night when she wakes up, I bond and play with her up until it's time for me to leave for work, and I come and bond/care for/spend time with her as soon as I get back home from work and take a shower (as I don't want all those germs around her and in her hands/face.

2. I am never gone from her 2+ times/week for extended periods of time other than for work. I have 2 days off per week, both usually meant for me to spend time with her, except my fiance and his family essentially think I've turned into a "baby hog". On top of me being her main caretaker, I try not to give her to someone else if she's unhappy, so I typically try to figure out what's wrong and fix it before giving her to another caretaker. Not to mention the fact that I haven't spent time with my friends (without a baby) in months SOLELY because I hate leaving her.

3. I was asking if I WERE to leave her with another caretaker (her dad, grandma, auntie) for no more than 6 hours, would it be okay for her. Why? Because I drive 1.5hrs down to spend 2-3hrs with my friends before driving 1.5hrs back home. And OF COURSE I take her to visit my family, my younger siblings, BUT both are both YOUNGER and need to do things to stay entertained that don't involve just looking at/watching/"playing" with a baby. I haven't lived in my new town long enough to make close enough friends to spend time with. I barely ever leave the house without my baby unless it's an absolute must, or leave the house outside of work/errands, period.

4. I video call her even when I'm at work on my break, pumping, or away from her for errands I have to run.

5. "attached to my hip"; she's a part of me, or an extension of me - wherever I go, she is usually there (when I'm in the shower, using the bathroom, eating, watching TV, doing laundry, etc): I meant it more as where I am, she is most likely there, too

No that's too much time to be away from her.

You're already away from her 5 days a week and want to spend your two days off being away from her too?

Now I've seen you're working away from her 11-8, 5 days a week I think it's too much to leave her twice a week on your days off. Who looks after her when you're working? You say your in-laws call you a baby hog (unbelievable!). Do they have her when you're working? If so, they got more than enough time with her and if I was you I'd really want to spend every non-working minute with her. Tell them to back off and enjoy your baby. You can see your younger relatives with the baby there. You don't have "sit and look at the baby" - you can all do stuff together with the baby there.

I don't want to spend 2 days/week away from her, as I don't and can't imagine doing so. But maybe once every 2 weeks or so where I go out for a few hours, either by myself or once I'm able to make a few friends near me.

Like I said, outside of the 8-9hrs I work 5/7 days a week, I am with my baby. I'm up with her throughout the night (as I wake up as soon as I hear her make a sound; read somewhere it's normal for one parent to essentially sleep through the baby's noises/crying at night), I'm bonding/caring for/spending time with her all the way up until it's time for me to leave for work.

After work, I like to take a shower as soon as I get home because I just smell and feel like work. However, I don't always get to right away if she still needs a bath.

My MIL has her from 10am-2:30pm, SIL has her from 2:30pm until either 5pm when DH gets home or until I get home at 9pm. SIL says DH might take DD for an hour or two, but usually will "hand" her back to her afterwards. By the time I get home, SIL is kinda sick of unnecessarily watching a baby that isn't hers, particularly if she's been crying a lot and doesn't know what to do or how to calm her down, so I usually get DD back from her once I get home, especially because I feel bad she's essentially being forced to watch/care for a child that's not hers, on TOP of having to get her homework done and ready for bed.

I think you will get lots of judgy responses to you question OP. You need to do what's right for you and not worry what anyone else is doing. In my experience, it's difficult for babies long term who are with their mum 24/7 as they don't get used to being separated (a bit like how dogs get separation anxiety) and nursery can be a nightmare when they first attend.

I even knew one woman who wouldn't let her (capable, sensible) DH look after the baby either. She just refused to go anywhere without baby.

I never felt guilty about going out when mine were babies. In fact, I think it strengthened our bond and relationship.

Do you have any rl support where you live? I'm guessing the USA? If so look for baby groups, they are often free in community centres where you can meet other mothers.

I get the impression you are struggling with the transition to parenthood

What?! Your child's father doesn't actually look after her when he gets home from work?

What a prick! I'd be telling SIL to hand the baby over and leave the house when he gets in.

And there is nothing wrong with meeting friends childfree once a fortnight for a catch up.

Are you the poster who said on another thread that often the baby's dad won't hold her so you can shower after work?

How old is your SIL that has the baby from 2.30pm until 5pm?

You are already spending a huge amount of time away from a very small baby. I know that it's usual in the US for mums to return to work after a matter of weeks post partum, but I think most posters here will be UK based where that is very unusual. Most women in the UK are off work for 4 months upwards, typically 6, 9 or 12 months.

Wanting to spend a whole day away from your baby every 2 weeks when you are already away from her 9 hours a day for 10 days out of every 2 weeks, just seems a bit unusual.

OP how much time away from the baby does DP have when he isn't working, on average a week?

Many men take a weekend day to do sport/hobbies and this doesn't seem to stop when babies come along. They don't tend to get judged - in fact often the suggestion is for the woman to take the subsequent weekend day to herself.

You must do what's right for you and her.
I'm interested that you say you'd leave her for a few hours once you make friends in your new town. I'd also recently moved to a new town when I had my baby. I made several good friends at baby groups. It was great because we could all support each other and we knew exactly what the others were going through. We all brought our babies along and if one baby was crying all the time (usually mine!) it was fine - the others understood! Wouldn't you consider making friends with other new mums? No judgement here - I just think it works well when you have small babies to have that support network. My friends without babies really weren't interested in my complaints about sleep deprivation, teething etc.

You hardly see her as it is!

What’s the back story with your fiancé and his family then because there clearly is one

Can I ask, what’s your family set up? Are you living with your DP, is he doing equal parenting?

Op congratulations on your baby!
Do your friends come to see you? That would make life a bit easier for you maybe?
Only you can know what the right balance is.

And yes, it certainly does make separation difficult. There was a point in time she wouldn't even let me hand her to her dad. She would start screaming and kicking the second I placed her with him and nothing he did would get her to stop crying. I took her back and she stopped almost immediately.

When I have to leave for work, I'm often lingering until the last second after giving her to grandma and telling her I'll see her later.

I'll try looking around me. I would feel more comfortable leaving her for a few hours in my new neighborhood to see friends as I'll be closer to home and only if they're child free. Upon making mom friends, I would of course bring her with me on outings with them.

We do live together, "equal parenting" is tricky. I feel as though both parents should of course be parenting children, but I also know it's not about keeping it equal when it comes to ensuring children have everything they need to thrive AND be happy.

I can say I do spend a lot more time with her than him as he works 8am-5pm. When he comes home, he usually says hi to her, might hold her for a few minutes before he's off to "relax" after work. Because I'm not home now, this often leaves his sister watching DD while DH does whatever. Especially once she falls asleep, if she's with SIL, that's where she'll stay at least until she wakes back up.

When I get home, I MAYBE shower before taking DD since I haven't seen her all day. However, it's usually time for her to be in bed, but if she's wide awake, we'll play and bond until she's ready to fall back asleep.

This sounds tough on you.

How very disappointing your partner is

I can understand when you want some free time away from work and being a parent. Once a fortnight a few hours isn't much in the grand scheme but her Dad needs to bloody step up and looking after her instead of your SIL.