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Parenting

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Original poster

Please come and tell me that it is completely normal to take a bit longer to bond with your 2nd/subsequent babies?

34 replies

beansprout · 27/01/2008 20:39

Ds2 was born on Wednesday. I longed for this baby. He took a year to conceive and I spent the pregnancy just wanting to meet him/her.

Went in for an elective section on Wednesday and only when I was in theatre did I find out that no children are currently allowed to visit the hospital, so we had planned for ds1 to come to the hospital later that day only to be told that I wasn't going to see him for 3 or 4 days instead.

During the pregnancy I was convinced that I was having a girl so had quite a shock when ds2 appeared! Didn't really have a name that suited so he spent the first 36 hours just being "baby" and I spent my time in hospital feeling that my gorgeous son was at home, while I was in hospital looking after a baby boy that I didn't know or even really expect to have.

We are home now and things are going well but while I am doing all I can for the baby, it's ds1 that I feel really close to and this really is nothing like the rush of love I felt when ds1 was born.

I know that this is apparently quite normal but I could really do with some of you lot telling me that you felt the same and that it will change quite soon....?

OP posts:

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scorpio1 · 27/01/2008 20:42

it sounds to me as you pictured baby as a girl, so now you are falling in love with a completeley different baby iyswim?

this is partially why i discovered ds2 and db3 gender, so i know who they are if that makes sense!

Congrats btw

Original poster

beansprout · 27/01/2008 20:43

I can see a certain wisdom to that!!

OP posts:

Lizzylou · 27/01/2008 20:45

Congrats!
I totally understand where you're coming from, with the second you're tireder, you have another child to worry about and, I suppose the novelty isn't there, it isn't all new, you're already a Mom.

Don't worry, I adore DS2 just as much as DS1, won't take long.

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scorpio1 · 27/01/2008 20:46

see, ithought db3 was going to be a boy, even called him Dexy in my head. then sonographer says 'girl'! Cue DH over the moon and me thinking eek, where is my dexy?

now, 10 weeks later i am CHUFFED but wasn't immediately, and that is happening to you but after birth.

You will be fine but if not ok by 6 week check mention it to GP

Hassled · 27/01/2008 20:46

Yes, I felt the same when DS3 was born - I wanted a girl, I missed the time I'd been spending with the other DCs - there was this awful feeling of anti-climax. Now he's 5 and we are so close, I see so much of myself in him yet he is so different and special and lovely - and you'll feel all of these things about your DS2. Some bonding is "love at first sight", some takes longer to develop - just like all relationships, be they romantic, platonic or parental. It's early days and of course you missed DS1 - that memory will fade and you'll start to enjoy DS2.

Psychobabble · 27/01/2008 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMadHouse · 27/01/2008 20:50

Beansprout - did you have a section with your first?

I had sections with both mine and never had the BANG that people talk about

Hecate · 27/01/2008 20:52

Well, I guess it's how you feel when anything you have planned and prepared for takes a different turn ... you need to take stock of the new situation you find yourself in, and adjust.

But you know, when it comes to mum & baby relationship - There is no such thing as normal. You are totally unique and so is your baby. Don't bother yourself with thoughts of what you should be feeling, what other people feel, what you are expected to feel...you'll drive yourself crazy.

Becoming a parent for the second time is different to becoming a parent for the 1st time. (for a start you know what those bloody nights are going to be like! ) It's always going to be different....like when no 2 walks for the first time, it's not as thrilling as when no 1 did it. Doesn't mean you love them any less, or are any less proud of them.

Just get to know your baby, relax. You've got all the time in the world.

And congratulations!!

colditz · 27/01/2008 20:53

it's perfectly normal and it's because you're to frigging busy to Babymoon like you did with your first - you know, gazing into the pram, mooning over your baby! You don't have time to do that with the others.

colditz · 27/01/2008 20:54

too

loler · 27/01/2008 20:56

Congratulations again!

With my ds1 I thought I was having another girl, so like you was very shocked with him. I think that it took me quite a while to really bond with him - maybe as much as a couple of months. Just like pg, every baby experience is different - try not to worry.

biglips · 27/01/2008 20:58

Just wanted to say Congrats to Beansprout!

kindersurprise · 27/01/2008 21:05

Congratulations.

I felt like this, although I did put it down to the trauma of the crash section that I had with DS. I was so out of it for the first week or so that it took me a while to accept that everything was fine, baby was healthy, I was ok.

Added to that is the fact that with a first baby, you have time to just sit and stare in wonder. Poor second children just get popped on a rug (in the playpen for safety) while DC1 gets the attention.

After a while I did bond properly with DS and we are now really close.

bestignored · 27/01/2008 21:09

I felt exactly the same. Don't worry about it you grow to love them just as much over very little time.

For a long time I felt so guilty about leaving newborn DD2 to sleep in her hospital crib while I read the newspaper. With DD1 when she slept I just watched her, - but then having the time to read the paper was not a novelty a few hours after DD1 was born.

I also left the hospital against advice from the nurses as I just wanted to get back to DD1 and let her know I still loved her despite having to give my time to another baby. DD1 was still really only a baby herself to me.

2 years later and I just can't stop myself cuddling DD2 (DC3 is on the way....)

Othersideofthechannel · 28/01/2008 10:18

Congratulations beansprout.

Birth with DD (second child) was far easier than birth with DS (1st child) but it still took longer to bond with DD. Several weeks.

Threadie · 28/01/2008 10:26

Congratulations on your baby!

I don't think you should be upset at all by your reaction. Things are so different second time around so you shouldn't expect your feelings to develop in exactly the same way. And it's fine to mourn for the little girl you thought you were getting. Just sit back and allow yourself to feel whatever is in your mind.

With my second son, I was exhausted and stressed and sad about the little girl I now knew I would never have. My initial feeling for my new son was pity pity because he had been born to a worn-out and stressed Mum, and a demanding big brother. But that was just the temporary, segue emotion that filled the space while the love grew. Now I love him to bits and peices!

singyswife · 28/01/2008 10:27

HI there. I felt exactly the same. Was convinced I was having a boy and when dd came out I was shocked. Seriously took me about 6 weeks to get used to the fact I had another dd. Didnt feel that instant love thing that I had with first dd although No one would have been able to take her from me iyswim. Now I love them both equally. I think your first is such a different unique experience and by the time you have 2 or more you are old hand at it and you just know that you love them. Hope I made sense.

GooseyLoosey · 28/01/2008 10:29

I felt like this when my first child was born. I did not actually feel anything for him until I took him for his first jabs and then I felt this overwhelming urge to stop anything from hurting my baby.

BlueberryPancake · 28/01/2008 10:33

Same here. I felt so full of emotiuons with DS1 and was completely overwhelmed. When DS2 arrived, I felt slightly guilty because I couldn't care for DS1 as much as before. Took me a few weeks (2 or 3) to 'fall in love' as it were with DS2, and I now think that I give much more cuddle and kisses to DS2 then I did when DS1 was small. He slept with us for ages, for example, whereas DS1 was in his cot from 2 weeks old! I don't think it has anything with C secs, I had two emergency C sections, but not sure if the sex of the baby has anything to do with it. I didn't know the sex and was delighted to have another boy.

Bodkin · 28/01/2008 10:39

Hi Beansprout - and congrats! Still having days where I look at DD2 (nearly 7 months) and think "who are you?" With DD1 by this stage I felt i knew her inside out, DD2 is still just "a baby" who cries a lot and drives me up the wall. i am assured by my friends who had DC2s before me that this is normal and as she becomes more and more interactive and less screamy (I seem to remember this being about 9 months with DD1) the bond will grow stronger. I do love her though, in that slightly demented "you're driving me crazy but I can't let anyone else look after you" kinda way

BigBadMouse · 29/01/2008 12:06

Bodkin - thats exactly how I was with my DD2. She's 20m now and all has changed, we talk and I understand her more. With DD1 I felt I knew her inside out the moment she was born - weird isn't it?

Carrying on from that, I was also the same as blueberry pancake (yum yum!) in that I put DD1 (who I bonded so well with early on) into her own room at 2 weeks yet was a total softie with DD2 and wouldn't let her leave our bedside for the first 7 months.

So much of what has been written here seems to be a common feeling so I think you have nothing to worry about beansprout

Original poster

beansprout · 02/02/2008 19:09

Thanks everyone. I think we are getting there, albeit slowly. Just need to allow nature to take its course and not beat myself up in the meantime!!

OP posts:

duchesse · 02/02/2008 19:31

Firstly, huge congrats!

I can't honestly say I felt overwhelmed with love for my second child until about 6-8 months after she was born. In fact for those months I looked after out of duty. Was so tired and felt so sh*t, what with a undiagnosed wheat intolerance and my son trying to murder her every day, and her failing to put on more than 2 oz a week. One day I just looked at her and realised I would die for her.

You've also just had a rather major operation and are busy healing. Give yourself time- you will feel that same love for the second baby as for the first.

VanillaPumpkin · 02/02/2008 19:45

Only read OP but this happened to me a bit.
I spent my pregnancy riddled with guilt for dd1 about how I was going to turn her life upside down. I also thought I was having a boy and had dd2. I also had a stressful pregnancy and induced labour and when she arrived my initial feeling was relief it was all over not the 'wow, amazing, its a miracle, she's so beautiful' feeling I had with dd1. And I secretly thought that dd2 was not as attractive as dd1 had been (she had no hair). I can only confess this on here anonymously as it breaks my heart when I look at my totally beautiful bright little 2 year old and remember how I felt when she was first born .
It is early days. The amazing-ness of that first baby is not quite the same with the second, or at least wasn't for me. DD2 was put in her room when sleeping (dd1 was never out of my sight at that age) and I lavished SOOOO much attention on dd1 to dd2's detriment (though she didn't notice of course) so that she didn't get resentful etc.
I loved her, but initially it was not in the same way as I had loved dd1. dd1 was amazing. dd2 was a normal baby....
It will come. It didn't take long before dd2's character emerged a bit and then I was totally besotted. I love them both totally unconditionally.
We kept dd2 up with us each evening until she was 10 weeks and I made sure I had a bath with her when she needed one to help feeding and bonding. It was good for us and I did it at 9.30 in the eve so when dd1 was in bed asleep.
It is early days. Don't be hard on yourself. It is normal as you say and will change soon . He will smile soon. That helped me for sure. And seeing dd1 with dd2 and how much she adored her .

Original poster

beansprout · 03/02/2008 20:10

VP, thank you so much for your honest post, it's really helped me a lot. You describe just how you feel. I went out today and friends kept telling me how gorgeous ds2 is and secretly I was thinking, "really? I think he's a bit odd looking". I feel so ashamed to say that, but atm, it's how I feel.

It's really reassuring to hear that other people have felt the same and that everything has turned out ok.

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