Please come and tell me that it is completely normal to take a bit longer to bond with your 2nd/subsequent babies?

[beansprout]

Ds2 was born on Wednesday. I longed for this baby. He took a year to conceive and I spent the pregnancy just wanting to meet him/her.

Went in for an elective section on Wednesday and only when I was in theatre did I find out that no children are currently allowed to visit the hospital, so we had planned for ds1 to come to the hospital later that day only to be told that I wasn't going to see him for 3 or 4 days instead.

During the pregnancy I was convinced that I was having a girl so had quite a shock when ds2 appeared! Didn't really have a name that suited so he spent the first 36 hours just being "baby" and I spent my time in hospital feeling that my gorgeous son was at home, while I was in hospital looking after a baby boy that I didn't know or even really expect to have.

We are home now and things are going well but while I am doing all I can for the baby, it's ds1 that I feel really close to and this really is nothing like the rush of love I felt when ds1 was born.

I know that this is apparently quite normal but I could really do with some of you lot telling me that you felt the same and that it will change quite soon....?

I felt like you did. With DS i had an enormous rush of love and couldnt imagine life without him. DD was born in 2005 after 2 mc and 2 years of trying and it took almost 3 months before i stopped being mechanical towards her and felt the pull i had felt with DS.

I realised that with DD i had PND and luckily my Health Visitor noticed too and once i started to deal with the PND i was able to start bonding with DD. I felt SO guilty about feeling the way i did about DD especially as she was my miracle baby and was desparately wanted!

It took us a year to conceive ds2, (whereas we fell for ds1 at the first time of asking) so he is/was also much wanted.

I think the big question in my mind is, at what point does this become PND? I actually feel fine in every other regard, so think this is just a bonding issue but am open to the idea that it could be something else.

If you're still worried in a few months time you could ask your gp if you might be depressed.

You probably aren't, but that's what it was for me.
ADs sorted it immediately. It's a horrible feeling though, whatever the cause, and not one that it's easy to discuss.

Don't want to make you feel bad, more to reassure you that whatever has caused you to feel this way can be sorted.

Oh, X-posted with everyone.

I think it's perfectly normal in a lot of cases. I felt like that when I had dd- I loved her but nowhere near the same way as I loved ds. She is now 18mths and I would say the bond is equal now but it has taken till now for it to be that way. My bond with her has grown over the last 18mths and now that her personality is really developing I feel it is much stronger than ever before.

I wasn't worried that I felt this way- I always loved them both to pieces- but a newborn baby can't really compete with the bond you have formed with an older child.

Give it time, don't worry or feel guilty about it, just enjoy them both for who they are and before you know it you will not be able to imagine life without him.

I'm not sure when it becomes PND. I'm not sure your gp will know either. I still feel a bit angry that I screwed up all my courage to tell my (otherwise lovely) gp, and she said, 'oh we all feel differently about each baby' and I didn't realise exactly what was wrong until much later...

Do you still feel sociable with your friends?
Is it easy to look forward to things? Those were the kind of things I noticed falling away. My phone bill just went right down because I didn't want to chat with people - that sort of thing....

Hey beansprout. How are you today?
Ok, I def though dd2 was 'funny looking' .
I look back now at photos and I can actually see that in fact dd2 was the prettier baby. No way did I feel that at the time. And I felt awful for thinking it .
I have to say that apart from not feeling the bond in the same way everything else was really good. I felt so much better when dd2 was born than I had when I was pregnant. So I was glad to have her and busy planning a trip back to the UK getting passports etc. So I didn't have PND worries. If you do know that it is perfectly normal, if horrid and please speak to you HV. They are so clued up to look for this (almost a bit over anxious ime ) now and have very good ways of helping you. I am afraid I am not the best person to advise you on PND but there are lots of threads out there and people who have real experience. For me I was conscious of my feeling and that it felt a bit odd and not the same but that was why I made sure I did the baths etc and made myself have the alone time with dd2. Anyway hope you are OK today.

Oh and having waited so long for something makes it even harder when they arrive and it isn't quite as perfect as you thought it was going to be. I think I read that PND is slightly higher with IVF mums because their expectations and hopes are so high and life with a new baby is bloody hard work and then the guilt kicks that this much longed for baby is actually causing you so much stress and sleeplessness etc etc. It is a viscious circle .
But anyway, what you described was really how I felt. Truly.