First parents evening-feeling sad

[Namechangekl]

NCed as didn’t want this to be outting. I’ve just returned from my son’s parents evening (reception). Overwhelmingly the messages were he doesn’t engage with the teachers, make eye contact, his confidence is low, he gravitated towards boys who may lead him im astray. I am so sad, I don’t know how to grow his confidence.. we have always told him he is brilliant etc, he has always never believed it. My mind is all over the place as of course my thoughts were autism
and ADHD because he doesn’t stop moving.. but apparently no assesssmbt until they are 6. Sorry for the rant just feeling so sad, he and his brother are my world and I’ve failed him.

If he has ADHD or autism, how is that your fault? I’m sorry it’s been a rough night and I would be in bits too.

in terms of self esteem, I believe telling people they are brilliant doesn’t always work. I think (thinking back to parenting podcasts now, but my memory is shocking) being very clear and authentic can help (along the lines of ‘that’s a very bright blue, what is it?’ Rather than ‘that picture is amazing’ kind of thing). And also allowing decision making for themselves as much as possible and encouraging autonomy.

As an analogy, I had a boss who told everyone they were amazing and fantastic and we all knew it was a front and she didn’t like some people. It meant that I was paranoid that she thought I was crap all them time as she told me I was fantastic and amazing.

Sorry if this is not helpful or you have heard all this stuff before, really I just want to say you’re obviously such a loving and caring mum and honestly that is what really matters. It will get better, I’m sure of it.

are the grown-ups he’s around confident with good self-esteem? Like you, his Dad, any grandparents, wider family he sees?

I think modelling confidence etc is far more successful than telling them they’re great etc, although this is good too of course!

He can, of course, be assessed before he is 6. If you have serious concerns that your son may be neuro diverse then contact your GP and get the ball rolling as that is where the assessment will actually come from. Medical services not school.
What have school said they are doing to help him?? What are they suggesting?

Oh OP your reaction tells you everything you need to know about how caring you are and how much you love him.

Setting an age on assessment so strictly isn’t ideal and of course children can and are assessed sooner but school may well be saying let’s give it time as he’s so little yet this may all settle.

all my kids had awful reports in the first few parents evenings of not settling, not picking up the routines and not finding friends. I think they were just overwhelmed and needed space and time. School is a massive adjustment. All of them did great and have gone to uni and are happy and sociable.

Just keep loving him and give him space to chat about school if he wants to. Work on getting him used to the routines involved in the day like practicing his lunch box etc and maybe if he and you feel up to it try a play date (keep it short and don’t expect them to actually play together as often they don’t when little!) .
meeting a friend and their parent in the park after school for half an hour can be a nice way to encourage friendships.

Please don’t let this reflect on you or how you feel about him.
I hope school gave you some goals you can all work towards to get him settled.

You sound a brilliant mum.

Does he do any activities outside of school e.g. dance, rugby, music etc? These can be great for helping build self esteem and you'll probably find the children that are "excelling" in the eyes of the teachers have a lot of other outside influences impacting on that even at age 5.

Does your DS show signs of any SEND outside of school or only there?

Please bear in mind that many children around the world are not in any sort of large group formal education at 4. It is a fairly tricky environment for many DC, both NT and those who are not.

Has he been in childcare or nursery before school? Have concerns ever been raised before? How is he in family groups or when socialising with you?

Making good choices about friends at 4 is a tall order and white frankly an unfair expectation for most children. That's why early years ratios need to be high, and supervision good to help children make good choices and learn how to manage these thorny issues.

Did school offer any support or suggested next steps? Have they spent any time getting to know your DC. Do you feel like they are speaking from a point of support and interest or just listing issues? It may be that the problem is much more them than you/ds.

He sounds like a perfectly normal DC but the “no diagnosis until 6” is BS. My son was diagnosed with autism at age 3 and ADHD at 4.

So one thing I read is general.praise can make them less confident, they need very specific praise.

So not 'you're brilliant' but 'you have tried so hard with that piece of writing, I'm really impressed with you adding an extra sentence'.

Of course you haven’t failed him.

Lots of kids have some problems that need a bit of help, and the chances are that’s all this is. Focus on getting him assessed asap, and getting support and help.

Do give yourself space to feel sad that things are a bit more complex than you expected. But what he needs is love and practical support

Aw, you haven’t failed him. Re self esteem, its not about ‘you’re amazing, you’re fabulous’. That’s external. Self esteem comes from within. Look up internal locus of control. He’s still tiny, try not to worry too much!

Please don't panic , anxiety around teachers I think is very common at this age. My daughter hid from teachers in reception as she has this real terror of being told off, it's really hard for them at first.

I don't think telling your son he's brilliant is necessarily the right approach as a PP has said, if anything it might knock his confidence more that he can't live up to high expectations (obv that's not how you mean it but how it might feel for him)

Has he spoken to you about how he feels, if not then reading some books together on feelings might help him start to open up about what he is potentially struggling with. There's some really great books out there too like "how to talk so kids will listen and talk back" which I have found the techniques work like actual magic.

Sorry to hear you are feeling sad about it all.
Does you son seem happy with school and enjoying it? I'd go off that initially, very young not long there yet it all still so new.
Teacher job to bring things up with you if she can identify ways to help him great go with them.

It doesn't sound at all like you've failed him.

Has he just started reception? If so that's a massive change for him and it's only been 6 weeks or so.

My daughter is in Y1 and still can't say hello to the teachers as she walks in. This time last year quite a few of us were having behavioural things of this sort mentioned at parents' evening.

Some kids find it harder than others through no fault of anyone's!

I'd not be panicking yet or even panicking at all. Even if you go down the assessment routine and it turns out he is neurodiverse that really isn't the problem you're perceiving it to be.

I teach a few kids with autism and ADHD who are getting on really quite well at school and, being a few years older, have had a chance to hone their communication skills and are great kids who I envisage will all do well.

Lol yes whenever I tell DS6 I like something he has done he always comes back with 'why!?'

You have to be specific 🙂

OP, he's 5, not 25. Now is not the time to feel sad. You've got the whole process ahead of you.

Build your child's confidence by building his skills and experience. Rather than telling him he's brilliant, tell him WHY he is brilliant - eg, learning to ride a bike or helping you with a particular task etc. Help him see his own achievements.

When he gets a certificate at swimming, frame it and put it on display.

My ds is 14 and I'm still working on it. Encouraging him towards the next belt at karate, a good result in a school test. It takes a whole childhood.

Start here and use every parenting trick in the book. My advice is that ADHD parenting works with every child but the reverse isn't true. So have a Google of tips and tricks. Get really good at it. Simple requests, repeated. Praise the effort not the child. Find things in common. Find what motivates. Build your relationships.

I was you 6 years ago. My small person was diagnosed with ADHD and we worked so hard. Every parent's evening was awful. And we were always the parents needing the extra time because there was so much to talk about, mostly sad and bad. This year, for the very first time, "no social issue, no academic issues, whatever you're doing, keep doing it".

It is a bloody hard road but you can do it. And your child and you will be happier for it.

Really good advice here from @MrsTerryPratchett, as usual.

I know from experience that some doctors won't consider an ADHD diagnosis until 6 and above. I believe that's slowly changing and now it's possible to get a diagnosis at a younger age where it's a clear case.

Autism is different, and it's always been possible to get a diagnosis at a younger age. My DS was diagnosed age 3 as autistic, and his twin sister was diagnosed when she was 10. They've got a collection of other diagnoses between them as well, as neurodiversity rarely presents as a single phenomenon.

However, ADHD is about far more than just being very active and not engaging well with teachers. Your wee boy is only in Reception and has a lot to learn! Was he in nursery - were any concerns identified then? What was he like reaching his milestones - were all the health visitor checks normal? Have you noticed any other signs? Does he play well with other children - even family members like cousins? Does he have any sensory difficulties? What's his communication and language like? Gross and fine motor skills? Sleeping? Any rigid interests? Anxiety or nervousness? Loss of temper other than the usual toddler/young child stuff?

Sorry, just reeling off some things to look out for at his young age - I'm a bit strapped for time at the mo, but have a google and find a questionnaire online. See if you recognise your DS in any of the descriptions.

Lastly, a neurodiverse diagnosis - IF it applies - is not the end of the world. I'm autistic and have ADHD myself, and I bloody well rock 😅

Lots of good advice here. Also, it's early days. DD's first parents evening was awful, I was told she screamed if she was asked to do anything, not how she was at home at all. After that every parents evening was fine as she settled into school.

I agree with pp, saying "you're brilliant" doesn't help at all. Saying " I love that drawing you did , the trees look just like the trees at the park " or " I like how you are trying so hard with your spelling" etc, is much more helpful . He needs to know what he is good at, so avoid generalisations like "you're brilliant".

He’s still very young and is adapting to school. Some lids take longer to ‘get it’. A bad first half term in Reception does not mean he will fail at school until he is in the sixth form! Give him time

If you want to build self esteem, there are a few ways to proceed.

Have DS 'help' you do things around the house, followed by high fives and a "Thank you for helping, DS. We did it in half the usual time" - not something like "You're a brilliant helper DS". Building his competence by spending time with him this way will increase his confidence.

You should praise effort, not some innate quality you value. If he draws a picture, make a comment on how focused he was when he was drawing, and how carefully he chose the colours, and how neatly he put the crayons back in the box. This all tells him you have really seen him and appreciated him, and you're not just projecting some fantasy child onto him.

Talk with him about his feelings, especially feelings of anxiety, frustration, fear, shyness, loneliness, confusion. Listen carefully and empathise, and don't be stingy with hugs. You can share stories of your own difficult feelings so he can feel connected to you and realise hes not the only human on the planet to ever have a hard day.

Cheers @SpidersAreShitheads some of my very favourite people are ND

Sad really that at such a young age school are making you feel a failure. Both of mine are much older and thankfully out of the school system now, its not a healthy environment, especially if you don't fit into their one size fits all box. They want complient little robots and not all children are like that.

Perhaps you could look into purposeful praise. The book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen is great on this, and the Montessori approach has a lot of stuff if you google it.

By telling him he is brilliant his sense of selth worth is being made dependent on external validation, when he needs to learn to build intrinsic validation. You can support this by creating room for self-evaluation rather than giving your judgement, so observing his efforts and pointing them out, which allows him space to realise he was good at something.

Here's some examples

It may be the OP's LA saying no dx until 6, not the school. At one point my LA were saying nobody could go on the pathway before 6 or after 14! Outside of that bracket families would have to go private.