Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

First parents evening-feeling sad

42 replies

Namechangekl · 20/10/2022 21:00

NCed as didn’t want this to be outting. I’ve just returned from my son’s parents evening (reception). Overwhelmingly the messages were he doesn’t engage with the teachers, make eye contact, his confidence is low, he gravitated towards boys who may lead him im astray. I am so sad, I don’t know how to grow his confidence.. we have always told him he is brilliant etc, he has always never believed it. My mind is all over the place as of course my thoughts were autism
and ADHD because he doesn’t stop moving.. but apparently no assesssmbt until they are 6. Sorry for the rant just feeling so sad, he and his brother are my world and I’ve failed him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Namechangekl · 21/10/2022 06:04

Oh my goodness, thank you alll so much for your responses, they are all so kind and useful, i am so grateful.
I wrote the post in a real state last night, I felt really angry I had failed my son and not seen that he was struggling, but I have a little more clarity now.
DS has been at nursery 1 day since he was 1 and rising to 2 days when 2/3.. I always took him to baby groups, play dates when he was little, did all the typical first time mum things. I’ve had really had concerns about his engagement socially (eye contact), he can be shy but many children Are.
The praising one is interesting, we do use targeted praise, it’s not blanket eg he loves riding his bike so always compliment his control/ balance. I must read the books suggested in the threads, thank you all so much.
one issue I do worry about is him gravitating towards the boys he shouldn’t.. one of whom I know has hit him before.. does anyone know how I might do this? Play dates with other kids?!

OP posts:

Original poster

Namechangekl · 21/10/2022 06:07

Someone also asked about being around confident adults.. my husband is very confident and extrovert, I work very hard to appear confident but suffered massive social anxiety as a child and partly adult and I suppose I am worried I have somehow passed this to my DS. Gosh it’s a minefield tbis parenting!

OP posts:

tealandteal · 21/10/2022 06:08

Take a look at your LA website for guidance on how to get going with assessment. See if you need to speak to GP or school nurse. We had to speak to the public health nursing team on the phone to start off but most of the evidence came from the school. I started the process last year when DS was 4, I doubt he will have been assessed by 6 unfortunately so it may be worth getting the ball rolling due to long wait times.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting Primary education SEN

Doveyouknow · 21/10/2022 06:42

I don't think you can stop him playing with certain kids at school. You could try and organise play dates with other kids though to widen his group of friends. It's a bit sad that the school have already labelled some kids as bad influences though. I mean, they are 4 not 14. It would make me wonder how supportive they are of children who struggle.

freespirit333 · 21/10/2022 11:28

Definitely get him referred OP, start the ball rolling. From my experience, and that of friends, the children who struggle to settle often do end up being neurodiverse. Not always of course, some take a term or maybe even the whole of reception to settle! But if he's referred, worst case scenario is you don't end up needing the appointment in two years' time (waiting lists are very long).

My DS has always been drawn to "bad" kids. I think for him it's partly his own insecurity/self esteem, and partly because the "normal" kids don't show much of an interest in him. I'm not quite sure what condition my DS has but he is definitely different and now he's very nearly 7, in school this has become problematic.

I have tried encouraging playdates with other kids but they tend to fizzle out as kids will choose who they want to be friends with, you can't force it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2022 14:13

DD had an issue with a 'bad' kid. The kid had a horrible home life, is extremely troubled and I suspect has suffered abuse. She is also, unfortunately, very socially intelligent and manipulative. I lobbied the school that she should be in a different class after kindergarten. I also had a couple of the other school mums (who helped at the school) watch out for it. And we worked on DD's ability to recognise manipulation and peer pressure.

Another long road! But well worth it as avoiding peer pressure and controlling impulses is a very important skill in kids with ADHD.

Original poster

Namechangekl · 21/10/2022 14:28

Thanks all, a lot to think about. In terms of referral, do you think there’s any point in waiting until next year to see if he is settled by Christmas? We can go private which may speed things up, but I guess it’s whether or not it’s worth getting it all sorted out now or once he has had a chance to settle in..

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2022 14:30

Have you had a look through @SpidersAreShitheads list to see if there are other concerns? If there are, I wouldn't wait.

sheepdogdelight · 21/10/2022 14:33

Not sure I like Reception children being labelled as likely to lead him astray. These are 4 year old children! Some will not be good at sitting still or listening and might play roughly. They are hardly encouraging him into a life of crime.

Original poster

Namechangekl · 21/10/2022 14:39

I think it was more just that he seems to follow these more boisterous boys around..and I think the hitting incident was a bit of a red flag for behavior which isn’t ideal. I agree thiugh, labeling at this age, in fact any age, can be destructive and lead to even more issues.

OP posts:

Original poster

Namechangekl · 21/10/2022 14:40

Thank you @MrsTerryPratchett i will have a look now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Namechangekl · 21/10/2022 14:47

At nursery and preschool there were no issues raised at all… he’s always had a lot of energy and runs around a lot, I considered thay normal for a little one.
milestone wise, yes all met.. slightly behind in things like writing his name, but I think thay will be come.. he just gets frustrated when he can’t do it.
he plays well with kids but attaches to certain ones, perhaps normal? He has a little brother who he adores. He plays well on play dates but they can end up becoming fraught at the end with tirednesss.. again, normal?
no sensory issues as far as I’m aware.
his communication skills are really good, never had issues there.. he doesn’t tell us about school until bedtime when he opens up.. again, perhaps normal?
terrible sleeper until he was 2.5 years.. again, I think this is pretty normal?!
anxiety is interesting as he bites his nails… and plays with his hands a lot. He seems socially awkward, but is this normal at this age
as they navigate new friendships?!

OP posts:

freespirit333 · 21/10/2022 16:00

I urge you not to wait OP. It takes so long. I'm in the same position with my DS as I was over 3 years ago - none the wiser, and still facing a long wait. The difference now is that it's not ok for my almost 7 year old to be getting up all the time when he should be sat listening. In reception, this was framed as "he doesn't always concentrate on the mat but that's just his age".

freespirit333 · 21/10/2022 16:01

@sheepdogdelight very ignorant. A child with no condition won't receive a diagnosis. It's not a "label", it's an explanation for why they might fight some things harder than others, or why they stand out.

sheepdogdelight · 21/10/2022 17:53

freespirit333 · 21/10/2022 16:01

Eh? I wasn't talking about children's with conditions. I was talking about OP's DC teacher describing boys in his class as "likely to lead him astray". I have no idea whether these boys have SEN or not, diagnosed or not. I just think it's a poor way to describe a 4 year old.

freespirit333 · 21/10/2022 17:57

Sorry @sheepdogdelight I completely misread your post and thought you meant labelling (diagnosing) the Op’s DS would lead him astray…it’s been a long week. I’m so sorry!

RaRaRaspoutine · 21/10/2022 23:08

Pretty disgusting how teachers are earmarking 5 year olds as kids who will lead others astray imo

Flip

1 2