How would you deal with these situations?

[Mamabear04]

DD is just about to turn 3yo in a few weeks....

1. I make dinner, I get DD to help (she loves cooking), we sit down to eat with DH. DD pushes food away and screams "I don't want it" "I don't like it" "I don't want my dinner!" (I take her plate away and say that's fine, go and play with your toys but no TV because its dinner time. Tantrum commences)

1. High pitched screaming when upset

1. Kick back on everything....brushing teeth, brushing hair, putting shoes on, leaving the house, bath time, bed time, dinner time (I always try to give her a choice ie do you want mum or dad to help? What jacket do you want to wear? Etc)

1. As soon as DD gets in the car starts screaming and having a fake tantrum shouting "baby brother's name" is crying! I don't want him to cry! More screams. The baby (3mo) then starts crying. (I tried saying that he was upset because he thought DD had hurt herself because she was shouting. Also tried explaining if we are quiet then DS might not cry and go to sleep etc)

1. DD gets upset if I can't play with her and refuses to play by herself. Tantrum commences.

What would you do in these situations?

Why you going out at her bedtime?

Where does it say going out at her bedtime?

OP the new baby is your explanation to all of this. I’ve got to work now but will come back with some hopefully helpful thoughts.
In the meantime, have a look at a website called Aha Parenting.

Oh, poor lamb. She's 2, with a brand new brother, and a brand new sense of independence. Hard for both of you.

I wouldn't let her down from the table at dinner. Encourage her to stay and chat. Give her attention. Put something you know she likes on her plate, even just a bit of bread and butter, so she'll eat that.

The screaming is awful, I don't know what to do about it.

How much warning does she get for transitions in her day? How well do you explain the structure of the day ahead? I would suggest visual aids and a walk through in the morning. Teeth is non negotiable but you can try things like the Hey Duggee tooth brushing song, or the Oral B Disney app, to encourage and make it fun. Don't fight over coats, let them get cold. Play games, be silly - put her shoes on her hands, run the hairbrush down her legs.

Can you get a toy car seat and let her buckle in a favourite Teddy, and sing to Teddy so that Teddy will sleep in the car? Or let her choose some songs to listen to before she gets in?

What is the bedtime routine like?

I remember how hard the age is, but it does sound like she's desperately trying to grab your attention. It's easy to say "you're a big girl!" but really she isn't, she's barely more than a baby, and she'll see how nice life is for the actual baby and want to be little. So many cuddles and so much patience.

Always have wine ready.

I have a just turned 3yr old an 5month old. He doesn’t kick off for all things you have listed but when he starts having a tantrum I take his hand and lead him to his room, tell him calmly he can have his tantrum in his room and when he feels better he can come back to the living room. I also include him in things to do with the baby like putting scoops in the bottle, washing in the bath, holding bottle during feeding etc so he doesn’t feel left out. Or when feeding the baby read a book

I'd ignore most of it. IMO the breathing exercises they teach you for labour are really most useful for staying calm while you ignore a tantrum. If they're consistently ignored they stop pretty quickly.

She doesn't get to choose who baths her. She can chose a jacket, but this one or that one, not which iyswim.

choices are great - but give an either/or rather than 'out of all your hundreds of toys which one do you want to play with?'

Some things are non-negotiable - teeth eg. But if she doesn't want to get dressed, stay in her pj's etc

2 is very young to play by herself. Try some things that you can 'join in' with whilst doing what you need to do. Set something up in the kitchen so you can put the odd puzzle piece in whilst cooking, get her to find the matching sock in hte laundry whilst you sort the rest, treasure hunt whilst you're washing up - go find me something red, a toy dog, etc. If it's while feeding the baby or similar, try reading together, or singing songs - action songs are good as they will keep her occupied.

I am guessing that the baby has a lot to do with her current behaviour.

My DS is 3. His teeth are not negotiable. I brush them then you can have a try with the toothbrush.
Coat on a rainy day? Non negotiable etc and if he had a tantrum he gets warnings that he needs to calm down, he gets 3. After the third he sits in time out to calm down.

Dinner I only serve what he likes. I always tell him what we are having, I find this helps. Sometimes he will refuse. I wouldn't feed him something he doesn't like. Again he gets his warnings and if he doesn't at least try to eat he goes in time out. He comes out of time out and eats his dinner. I wouldn't send him to her hungry either. He certainly doesn't get his toys when he won't eat his dinner.

Bed not her*

1. That’s fine you don’t have to eat but we sit together as a family. Always put one of her ‘safe foods’ on her plate.
2. Ignore. Or say I can’t understand you when your screaming. We only scream in an emergency.
3. Read the book how to talk so little children listen.
4. Explain in advance if you scream then your brother will get scared and scream so no more screaming in the car. Reminder her before you get in the car every time.
5. Mum cant play with you right now. I can play with your in x number of minutes and put a sand timer where she can see it. Then go back and play with her.

Transitions between activities are always difficult. Give plenty of warning. If she's happily playing and it's coming up to dinnertime, or you need to go out, tell her several times. Actual timings won't mean much at this age so tell her - we need to have dinner soon, then five minutes later, it's nearly time for dinner you need to start tidying up, and then again OK dinner is nearly ready, come now. As she gets older you can start using 5 mins til dinner, 2 mins til dinner etc.

Actual tantrums - ignore. Hard I know, but as long as she is safe, just do nothing until she calms down.

Thanks so much for your suggestions and advice as to what you would do. I'm finding it hard to know what to do. At what point is it OK to let things slide without it turning into letting her get away with what she wants? Teeth of course are non negotiable, jacket when it's raining etc but what about leaving the house when I need to go somewhere? Surely I can't take her in her Pj's or without shoes! Tbh everything does eventually get done and I don't give in to teeth brushing, hair brushing etc but it's just constant kick back to everything. I do give her warnings that things will end, say things like "ill change the baby's nappy and THEN I will play". I'm EBF but I tend to feed the baby when he wakes up so take her to my bedroom and she's happy to play on my bed while the baby feeds and I talk to her while I do it. She seems happy. The main trouble is when DS is crying and needs my attention and the DD kicks off. I really don't know what to do at that point. I wish I could split in two!!!!

As for dinner, I feel i have to persevere with food we all eat as otherwise all she would eat would be pizza and fish fingers if she had her way. I try to choose things I know she'll like and has eaten before but honestly i just can't stand the same 5 things for dinner day in day out. If she stays at the table and I leave her plate there (even if I say she doesn't have to eat it) she constantly pushes it away and shouts "I don't want it!" If I let her stay at the table minus her plate of food she still complains and wants to bring toys up to the table and it inevitable results in a tantrum. I just feel I've tried everything and can't win!

I know she is so little and I'm really trying to lower my expectations, be patient etc but it's so hard when it's constant!

we have a just turned 3 and a 6 week old so very similar ages
First thing is 3 year olds don't know how to put their feelings into words, so a lot of rubbish comes out, you usually have to look behind the scenes to find the feeling rather than listening to the words.

1. I wouldn't take the plate away, I'd just say "feel free to leave it if you want, and you can sit there or get down if you've finished" or maybe "fork, do you want to show (DS) how to spike something" or "how many carrots are on your plate" depending what I think the feeling is. Also Putting the food in the middle can help with the overwhelm of a plate of food right in front. If a tantrum/meltdown happens in any situation I always say "are you ok, do you want a cuddle?" and stay close by (I never separate him from myself at the time as he needs support at that moment) Also once it's clear what the issue/feeling was, I give him the language "you were annoyed because I put you in the chair"/"you are tired because lunch is too close to nap time" so he can use it next time before it's too late.
2. "can you turn your volume down"/"screech quietly please" and/or put my hands over my ears and say "wow" maybe followed up by "I don't like that loud noise, I'm moving over here" and move the distance away to avoid it hurting my ears/to be able to have the conversation. Then ask if he's stopping in which case I can come back. If he does it again I'll move straight away.
3. Choices do seem to work well. I find timers can work well e.g. 2 minutes, or even count down from 5. Then after 5 seconds or whatever, I either stop helping and get on with the next task, or if it's an essential, I say I'll do it for him (gently but forcibly) Even things you think are essential may not be - my son skips teeth cleaning about once a week for example.
4. Fake tantrum or not your child is trying to express some feeling in a very difficult way. Giving them the language will be an investment to make this easier in future. "You don't like (baby)'s crying, it's too noisy/scary/annoying for you. How do you think we can help? Let's try singing to them/patting them/saying shhh" basically anything to make your toddler part of the solution.
5. That's normal but I would say ok you go and get the toys out and I'll be there in 5 minutes/2 minutes/when I've make a cuppa. I deal with any tantrums in the same way as above, treat them as extra informatiomn about your child's feelings, reflect them back and sympathise, and decide what to do based on the extra information (usually the same as the plan)

Good luck, it's super hard - I've found books like "how to talk" and "good inside" and "calm parents, happy kids" are really useful to digest. There are others, and also there are youtube/instagram that lots recomments.

but what about leaving the house when I need to go somewhere? Surely I can't take her in her Pj's or without shoes!

Obviously depends where you're going/what you're doing to some extent. But pj's are basically t-shirt and leggings - so what?
Take shoes/coat with you and put them on when you get there if they are needed.

It's the famous "Choose your battles" advice.

Just saw your cross post - I'd just like to add that your non negotiable can be used for natural consequences at the right time. Also known as "call their bluff".

My son has been to the supermarket with no trousers on, walking in the wet garden with no shoes on, has skipped teeth brushing, and probably other stuff I forgot. When he wanted no trousers, I said ok but you'll have to put your trousers in your backpack in case you change your mind, which he did. And the no shoes has happened aa few times and I just chuck them in the pushchair so he can put them on later.

A lot of the time, I am persuading him to do something e.g. clean teeth, then I say "ok let's skip that" then he says "oh we need to clean teeth" and rushes straight away.
Another great tip is charts/lists for things that are routine, combined with a timer if necessary.

I think fundamentally, toddlers are only there for the battle, that's the bit they enjoy. And you are getting sucked in to his terms rather than your own. Easy to say but hard to break out of the cycle!

You absolutely can leave the house with them in pjs and no shoes. The second they realise that the ground is wet cold and sore they beg for shoes.

@johnd2 I think I do need to be more supportive in the moment of the tantrums but how can I do that when the baby is crying and it's a trigger for the tantrum? I need to stop the baby crying otherwise DD's tantrum just continues and escalates. She is actually very articulate for her age and will tell me "I don't like the baby crying, I don't like the noise!" And what can I say to that? I can't stop the baby from crying and he will cry again and again until he can talk! All I can say is I know its loud and I don't don't like the crying either. She is really sweet and does try to sing to him in the car when he's crying but just this past week it's all escalated again....

How do I not get sucked into the battle? She needs boundaries and I'm worried that if I give in to so many things she'll turn into a wee brat!

Also if Dd is made to sit attention table after refusing to eat, it is so unpleasant. She complains and shouts for toys and stories and won't let anyone enjoy their meal. It ruins dinner for everyone. That's why I let her go away but then that ends up in a tantrum anyway so....

I would say pick your battles and don't get drawn into a war if you don't care about the outcome. So actually if you're going to the supermarket, does it matter if she's wearing PJs?

Give 2 acceptable choices only - do you want to wear trousers or a skirt? Not 'What do you want to wear?'

As above some things are not negotiable like brushing teeth, or wearing shoes outside. So you need to be very clear that if that isn't done there will be a consequence. It needs to be something you are willing to follow through on and immediate. Don't fall into the trap of making a threat you then rescind like saying 'if you don't do it, we're not going out' if you know that you do have to go out because there's something essential you need to do.

It sounds like you rewarded her for not eating her dinner and screaming, which is not the best strategy. You taught her that if she pushes her plate away and screams she gets to play with her toys. I would have moved the plate out of reach so she couldn't throw it, and calmly explained she could have it back if she was hungry but would need to stay seated till me and her dad were done eating. Then gritted my teeth and tried to ignore the noise, look over and ask if she's ok and would like her plate back in a calm voice every now and then, but basically ignore the screaming (probably while screaming inside my head a bit too).

About that age we noticed that DD really needed a routine and advance warning. She didn't get on well at all with a sudden 'ok, shoes on, we're popping out', she needed 'today we will be doing x,y,z. We will have breakfast, then you can play till the big hand is on the xx then shoes need to go on and we will go to...' and several reminders, 'we've had breakfast so play till the big hand is.....' 'there's 5 minutes till I need you to put shoes on'..... This worked well in the park too, 10 more mins, 5 more mins, 2 more mins, ok pick 1 more things to play on then we're going.

Baby’s cry is an awful sound. Try getting her some noise cancelling headphones.

Has she been unwell at all like had a cold? Maybe got an ear infection and the baby’s cries too high pitched for her?

My age gap was a little bigger but when DS2 was crying and Ds1 would start complaining I'd ask hi to help 'lets try to work out why baby is crying, do you think he needs some milk?' or 'ah I think baby needs a sleep, do you want to help mummy get him down for a nap?'

Involving them seems to bypass the strop.

Tbh it wasn't a reward letting her down from the table to play with her toys because she didn't want to play with her toys. She wanted to watched TV and I said no because it was dinner time. If I had kept her at the table she would have kept on shouting and complaining about not wanting to eat what I had given her. I am just so fed up by dinner time. Its just constant complaining, tantrums and kick back all day and by the time it gets to dinner, I just want to ear and have a break but instead it just ramps up.

I do try to get her to help with the baby but what am I supposed to do when she refuses to get involved? I can't make her and I do try so hard!

I tried telling her that screaming is for emergencies only. I tried pretending it hurt my ears but neither worked. She just ignores it. When she doesn't like something she just resorts to shouting. How do I actually stop her doing it?

What time are you serving dinner?
Mine ate early at this age as by 6pm they were exhausted and too tired to eat.
In fact they ate early until about 6/7.
Could you do an earlier dinner for her?
1 to 1 attention and chat
Everything else is perfectly normal for a 3 year old with a new baby

If you engage then she gets a kind of reward for those behaviours. Your high emotion may be its own payoff. It may be negative attention, but it's still a way for her to find she influences her world. You want to break the cycle, ideally not with punishment but with reward for the behaviour you'd like to see instead. Then she'd be finding a way to influence her world in a way that is positive (and you both prefer, ulitmately).

Every time she does anything cooperative, pile on the praise & say how lovely she is. You could think about food games to make dinner an event that she looks forward to rather than boring, anti-climax moment. These are strategies you want to develop.

I am rubbish at it, but DH on a good day is past master at interjecting humour when an ill-tempered child starts to moan or kick off. Like if the child said "I don't want it!" ... he'd put his fork down & calmly slowly make his eyes very cross-eyed. A small child could totally forget their tantrum & burst into giggles at that. It's like pushing a reset button. Invite their sense of play & hope they rediscover the plate of food as a side activity, too.

The same friggin' methods work with teenagers being foul, by the way, say something funny & you may generate constructive banter not argument.