How would you deal with these situations?

[Mamabear04]

DD is just about to turn 3yo in a few weeks....

1. I make dinner, I get DD to help (she loves cooking), we sit down to eat with DH. DD pushes food away and screams "I don't want it" "I don't like it" "I don't want my dinner!" (I take her plate away and say that's fine, go and play with your toys but no TV because its dinner time. Tantrum commences)

1. High pitched screaming when upset

1. Kick back on everything....brushing teeth, brushing hair, putting shoes on, leaving the house, bath time, bed time, dinner time (I always try to give her a choice ie do you want mum or dad to help? What jacket do you want to wear? Etc)

1. As soon as DD gets in the car starts screaming and having a fake tantrum shouting "baby brother's name" is crying! I don't want him to cry! More screams. The baby (3mo) then starts crying. (I tried saying that he was upset because he thought DD had hurt herself because she was shouting. Also tried explaining if we are quiet then DS might not cry and go to sleep etc)

1. DD gets upset if I can't play with her and refuses to play by herself. Tantrum commences.

What would you do in these situations?

@lljkk I think my problem maybe is that I'm caught up with the discipline side of it but surely there needs to be boundaries? How can I be silly without letting her get everything she wants?

@PrestonNorthHen I serve dinner between 4-4.30pm. DH works from home and has an obligatory work meeting that starts at 5pm so needs to be then or she eats by herself and will only take garbage food!

if what she wants is a big reaction out of you, then you angrily punishing her would be giving her what she wants, wouldn't it?

I'm sorry to say you have to muddle thru deciding when to be silly and when to be firm, but "Choose your battles" applies. Cooperation is better than compulsion in all cases. Make the nice behaviour choice the easy choice for her.

You all eat dinner at 4pm?
Perhaps she isnt hungry?
I would lighten things up by just doing her something she likes to break the yelling and drama.
If DH has a meeting perhaps she is picking up tension ?
Firm boundaries around teeth, bed, not hitting ,everything else just stay calm and reassuring.

Just ignore shouting/screaming. Get in with what you are doing,leave the room if she is safe, chat to yourself about what you've got planned for later if 'peoole' are good.

Dinner at 4 seems very early. She isn't hungry. Syrei your DH I you must need to eat again before bed if eating then too. Give her dinner on her own. You can still sit and have a cuppa with her. I don't get that she will only take rubbish to eat if you do that? She can only eat what you give her.

You seem to be trying lots of things and saying they don't work. How long have you tried a technique for - just once or twice us not enough. DCs need consistency at that age. Choose a technique/approach and stick with it.

So DD eats lunch early at 11.30am then has a 30 min nap, a snack and then is hungry by 4pm so it makes sense to eat then. I've tried having us eat at 5.20pm (its a very short meeting) but by that time she is overtired so 4-4.30pm works for us. DH and I don't eat until breakfast the next day or just have some fruit later on. If I sit with her while she eats and its not something familiar like fish fingers, beans on toast, pizza etc then she will just outright refuse to eat it. That's why I try to eat together because she is more likely to try new things and to eat better. She gets bored eating by herself and just wants down. Maybe I'm guilty of not sticking with one thing but tbh I'm so tired with the new baby and looking after DD all day by dinner time my brain is fried and I can't think logically of what's best. I probably need to have a game plan before going into dinner but I hardly have time to think at the moment and just cooking a meal is an achievement. It's probably my fault I'm sure.

So what time is she getting up and going to bed?
Does she really need a nap at 3years?
Your timings seem a bit out - just wondering if this is part of the problem?

You absolutely can take her in PJ’s and no shoes. She will probably only do that once. I did this with my DD2 when she had a three room fashion crisis at four years old. (Wanted to go to school in a bikini top, tutu, gum boots (sparkly, lilac Barbie ones of course) and a cowboy hat. It was -14 and snowing very heavily but she “didn’t want to look STUUUUUPID!” (Her teacher said “Finally! A parent followed through with their threat to bring their kid in pajamas!) I had a change of suitable clothes and boots with me, btw and she was very amenable to letting me help her get changed in the bathroom before school.
As for DD, too many choices. She wants you to do that for her still. If she kicks off, put her on the step or in her room and let her come back and interact with you when she’s done. Another thing I found helpful at the same age when my kids ent on an epic strop (Aussie slang for tantrum) was to give them a cuddle and say something like ”Big girls don’t yell and scream do they? Are you sad or mad? I want you to be a big girl and think about that for a minute and use your words. “
I would come back and try and get them to explain feelings

So between 11.30 and 4pm she has 2 meals and a snack?
Thats an awful lot!
11.30 early lunch and a snack is fine but shes clearly not hungry for dinner at 4pm.
For now I would push dinner to 5pm and just give her stuff she likes with a couple of extra bits like veggies or cherry toms/ salad.
The main thing is to get her in the routine of sitting in her chair and eating without all the drama.
Please be a bit kinder to yourself, you have a new baby.
You dont need to be cooking gourmet type meals that you all sit down to at 4pm
Just get her eating again.
Things I did.
Keep portions of previous nights dinner ( parents) and serve for lunch when she is actually hungry.
DD tea time
Cheese on toast
Pizza
Crumpets
Eggs, scrambled, eggy bread, omlette
picnic plate -cheese, ham, crackers,carrot sticks etc
Pancakes
Teacake
Fruit, fromage frais, yoghurt
Essentially I reversed lunch and dinner because they are often too tired to try new things in the evening.
If you make a bit extra then lunch can be pinged in seconds.
Also does she go to preschool?
Often helps when there is a new baby as it gives you both a bit of space.

She is testing boundaries and finding her feet with a new sibling. You are tired. I would try and slowly move timings if you can do lunch 12.30 and supper at 5.30. Ignore the screaming and stay calm. Make her sit at the table and not get down to play, chat, give her some food she will eat and ignore any bad behaviour. She will soon get bored if she does not get a reaction. Learn to count to ten, I used to do that a lot!

I think this is some of the problem in that she is dropping the nap but can't seem to cope with it. I decided just to give her cold turkey no naps and then she got a really nasty bug and sleep has been messed up and not quite got it back to what it was. She's usually 7pm -7am but if she has a nap sometimes she won't go to sleep until closer to 8.30pm buy she sometimes she's just a wreck by the afternoon if she doesn't cope that day. What would you suggest?

So there seems to be 2 trains of thought....

1.swap lunch and dinner around and don't eat with her at dinner

1. Persevere with getting her to sit happily at the table not eating with the hope eventually she'll eat?

And everyone thinks to move meals slightly later? Bit what do I do if she doesn't nap and then can't handle it to 5.30pm dinner? My brain is actually fried!

Ps just want to say I've been working so hard not to react today to emotional burns/tantrums and it has been a much better day so far. Thank you everyone for helping me navigate this difficult period! I really appreciate all the comments and advice!

I would give main meal at lunchtime and move that to 12.30. If she's having breakfast at about 7.30 she may need a snack mid morning. Does she go to nursery or do you do parent and toddler groups or classes?
After lunch have a quiet time - stories, bit of TV, puzzles etc for a bit rather than a nap. Snack. Then a walk, play outside, something a bit more energetic. Then tea at about 5 and a bit of downtime before bedtime routine.

So pleased ignoring the tantrums is working. Persevere with it.

Sounds like what you are doing is working so that’s good.

If it doesn’t we have our younger two (then 4 & 2) a special box with a couple of toys, out of the way in our bedroom (so a treat) that was only allowed out when the youngest was crying. The sound really distressed them (DD has health issues so her pain cry was awful when she was little) and the escape away was needed.

It meant they didn’t mind at all being ignored for a short while as they were excited to see what was in the box.

The main thing is consistency. Whatever you do will not work immediately, in fact DD is likely to play up a bit more to try to get her usual tactics to work. You being consistent in ignoring the negative behaviours and praising the positives is what will show her that throwing and screaming doesn't work, sitting nicely and trying her dinner (even if she doesn't actually eat it because she's not hungry or doesn't like it) does work.