2yo acting like she hates me - really need help

[Runoutofthether]

I've NC'd for this as have spoken about it IRL. Also planning to share thread with DH at some point. Sorry if it's long.

I'm honestly getting so depressed about the way my 2yo DD is reacting to me and I need some advice or reassurance. Anything, really.

She's always been a 'daddy's girl', but it feels like things have escalated and neither of us know what to do. She shows hardly any affection towards me at all, and when I try and do anything for or with her, she gets hysterical. If I even sit on the sofa next to her, she flips out and can't move away from me quickly enough. If DH isn't here and she just has me, she just screams and cries. The other week I took her to a local baby gym and from the way she reacted to me just interacting with her, I wouldn't have been surprised if other parents there thought I was abusive. FWIW - I'm not, in any way, shape or form.

She's had a couple of weeks of being unwell (sickness bug, now hand foot and mouth) so is obviously out of sorts generally, but because DH works full time I have to be the one to look after her. She doesn't want me. She woke the other night, I went in to comfort her, she responded by getting more and more upset (it was quite frightening, in all honesty) until eventually DH came in - as soon as he did, she calmed down. He tried to then leave me to get her off, it started again.

I'm a SAHM, so obviously do most of the caring, any night settling (up until her recent spate on illness, she slept through) and all of the mental load etc. I take her out to groups, walks etc. It's not like I plonk her in front of the TV and ignore her and she only gets attention and affection from DH. She gets so much of that from me. But I also have to be the one who sets the boundaries.

I'm trying to believe others when they say it's a phase etc, but right now I can't stop crying. I cry on and off all day. I sobbed myself to sleep the other night. I feel so low, helpless, utterly rejected, and honestly I'm starting to feel very resentful about the situation. DH feels awful and helpless about it too. I'm never going to stop doing what I need for her, of course, but it feels like my love for being her mum is starting to drain out of me, which I hate to admit, because of course I will always love her, this is truly breaking my heart. I just want to run away, but I can't (and I won't).

We both just want to know what we can do - if anything? Please help.

I know this hasn’t been written on in years.

@Runoutofthether please tell a mum of a 2 year 2 month old little girl who is obsessed with her dad that this does get better?

my girl has always been such a daddy’s girl but for months and months now it’s been really difficult with bed times/if she wakes through the night ever where she screams at me to get out if I go in and only wants daddy. I think it’s intensified at the minute as we’ve just gotten rid of the dummy so getting her to sleep is taking ages whereas normally we pop her down and she puts herself to sleep so now we’re constantly in and out and she hates it if it’s me that goes in

Hi @Armdjm I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. My DD is now 4.5 and this phase is thankfully now a very distant memory!

IIRC, the way I managed us out of this phase was to 'jolly along' as many upthread had suggested - e.g. if she was kicking off at me I'd just carry on without reacting. I started to just step over her and not acknowledge her behaviour at all. I think it took a good few weeks but our affection and bond and all the cuddles did return - now, quite often, she'll choose me over DH! (Often when I would prefer she would choose him haha!)... that's not easy to do overnight though 🙁

Your situation is made harder by the fact you're getting rid of the dummy, too. Off-topic for this thread I know, but when we did this with both children, we ended up giving their dummies back for a few more months as they were SO distressed with not having it. I personally found that at that age, they can't really understand why you've taken a comforter away, so we relented and waited until they were a touch older and could understand more what was happening. I know it's so easy for that to feel like a failure but honestly, in the grand scheme of things it's not.

@Runoutofthether thank you so much for replying with this thread being a few years old!

I know I think this is my problem that I get visibly upset in front of her and I think she pushes it on purpose at this stage especially with the hitting me and very recently biting as well (I’m also currently 24 weeks pregnant so hormones are making matters worse) we went through a similar phase when she was younger but I had gone through a missed miscarriage and was in and out of hospital for surgery and I took a big step back with things like bedtime routine so I felt there was a reason that time around where as this time it just seems to have came out of no where. But very happy to hear it is a phase and it is a distant memory for you!

Dummy wise, I know I think this has made matters worse. Funny enough she isn’t even asking for it, since she was 6 months old she has only had it to fall asleep then spits it out and never uses it the rest of the night or during the day but I think she’s just very aware that we have taken her comfort away and if I go in to settle her she gets absolutely hysterical and screams at me to leave and just wants daddy which is pulling on my heart strings but I need to make a conscious effort to not make it obvious that I’m upset!

Ahhhh it's so hard @Armdjm I very much show my emotions so it was really tough to not let her see how much her actions were affecting me, but it didn't take long until the tide turned. There were some excellent articles recommended upthread which I found very helpful.. deep down we know they don't mean to be hurtful in the slightest, and we know we love them, so it's a case of trying to not feed the crap side of the cycle. In your shoes I'd probably let her have the dummy again, if it's adding to the overall distress - but let it be YOU that gives it back. Especially if she only has it to drift off, a couple more months of using it are not going to impact on her longer term. It might just help you get over this particular phase without any extra stress. Good luck!