2yo acting like she hates me - really need help

[Runoutofthether]

I've NC'd for this as have spoken about it IRL. Also planning to share thread with DH at some point. Sorry if it's long.

I'm honestly getting so depressed about the way my 2yo DD is reacting to me and I need some advice or reassurance. Anything, really.

She's always been a 'daddy's girl', but it feels like things have escalated and neither of us know what to do. She shows hardly any affection towards me at all, and when I try and do anything for or with her, she gets hysterical. If I even sit on the sofa next to her, she flips out and can't move away from me quickly enough. If DH isn't here and she just has me, she just screams and cries. The other week I took her to a local baby gym and from the way she reacted to me just interacting with her, I wouldn't have been surprised if other parents there thought I was abusive. FWIW - I'm not, in any way, shape or form.

She's had a couple of weeks of being unwell (sickness bug, now hand foot and mouth) so is obviously out of sorts generally, but because DH works full time I have to be the one to look after her. She doesn't want me. She woke the other night, I went in to comfort her, she responded by getting more and more upset (it was quite frightening, in all honesty) until eventually DH came in - as soon as he did, she calmed down. He tried to then leave me to get her off, it started again.

I'm a SAHM, so obviously do most of the caring, any night settling (up until her recent spate on illness, she slept through) and all of the mental load etc. I take her out to groups, walks etc. It's not like I plonk her in front of the TV and ignore her and she only gets attention and affection from DH. She gets so much of that from me. But I also have to be the one who sets the boundaries.

I'm trying to believe others when they say it's a phase etc, but right now I can't stop crying. I cry on and off all day. I sobbed myself to sleep the other night. I feel so low, helpless, utterly rejected, and honestly I'm starting to feel very resentful about the situation. DH feels awful and helpless about it too. I'm never going to stop doing what I need for her, of course, but it feels like my love for being her mum is starting to drain out of me, which I hate to admit, because of course I will always love her, this is truly breaking my heart. I just want to run away, but I can't (and I won't).

We both just want to know what we can do - if anything? Please help.

Anyone? Please. I'm desperate.

Oh op this sounds so so tough. I don’t really know what to say so I hope someone else will come along soon with a better answer.

I think it would be worth taking her to your gp, not for any diagnosis but to talk it through with them and see if they have any ideas.

For what it’s worth my daughter went through a similar stage (but not to this level) and I found it really hard. Her dad and I weren’t together and she’d cry when he dropped her home and didn’t want to be here. She did grow out of it within months, I don’t know if that’s any help atm though x

I suspect it's because she knows you are always there and will always provide for her in every area. She can't rely on Dad always being there ( obviously she can, but in her mind he deserts her for hours on end).

How does your DH interact with her when he gets in from work, at the weekend etc? Does he do all the fun stuff? How is he with discipline/boundaries etc?

It is almost certainly a phase, but so very tough for you while it lasts

That sounds horrible - no wonder you are upset.
If it's any comfort, it will pass. At the moment she doesn't really see you as a separate person to her and she has no concept that her behaviour hurts you. It's not deliberate.
Weirdly well bonded children can be like this. Daddy is not around all the time so his attention is more sought after.
Have a cry and a virtual hug. My DD was like this towards her Dad for a long time! She was very much a Mummy's girl and Daddy got short shrift for quite a while. It did pass and they are absolutely fine and love each other.

It sounds as if you have got into a vicious circle with this. I appreciate you are feeling sad and anxious about it all and I wonder if she is reacting to your mood and demeanour.

When I was pregnant with DS2 I had hyperemesis and was feeling desperately ill and vomiting 24/7. Ds1 was 20 months old. There was no internet, no computers, very little children's TV so not much to entertain him. DH was working very long hours, but when he was at home, he went to a lot of trouble to play and entertain DS1 so I could rest.

DS used to cry hysterically when DH left for work. The more he cried the more anxious and depressed I got. It was an awful time.

My thoughts would be that you need to put a big smile on your face and do a lot of jollying along. Don't let her see that her behaviour is distressing you. It will get better if you can do that.

I’m sorry, you must be really upset. Keep reminding yourself that this is a phase. She could just as easily switch to only wanting you before long.

Although I suspect it’s because daddy is a bit of a novelty, as she is with you all day.

It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job though. Being consistent and loving while DD pushes you away.

Keep offering your love and being there for her, and she’ll respond eventually.

It would help if your DH made a fuss over how great you are and encouraged DD to show you things. Eg wow that’s great, let’s show it to mummy. Wouldn’t it be great if mummy read us a story etc. If she says no, he should continue to treat you as special and be really loving to you in her presence, and try again next time.

Make sure DH is being consistent with you in setting the same rules and boundaries, so it’s not all on you to be the boring parent.

I really hope the situation improves soon.

How often does DH spend with her alone? I think some quality one on one time with both of them together will be good. She's seeing DH leave her for work and is most likely craving that attention from him.
Just remember children go through all sorts of phases and hopefully it won't last long. Hope you're ok!

It is a vicious circle. The more despondent and weepy you become, the more she will want to be with her Dad who is not like that,

It IS a phase and I think the only way to escape from it is to be as bright and breezy as you can - treat her tantrums in a light way - if she sees the power she has to upset you she will do it more and more, as the temptation is too great.

She does not hate you - she relies on you for her security and care and love - but she is too small to work that out.

Gird up the loins and jolly it out.

I have 3 DDs and my relationship has changed with each one over time - and the Daddy best or Mummy best see-saws around. This will pass.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and reassurance. You're all right, I know it's a phase, but it's a very distressing one.

In terms of DH, he is a fantastic dad, very hands on with the kids (we also have an older son and never had this with him). He does their breakfasts every day, does DD's bath most nights while I'm doing other chores. We split bedtimes equally. We both recognise that he does have to do less of the boundary setting/reinforcing, and does sometimes give in to her a bit more or when I wouldn't necessarily (eg with letting her have the TV, giving her more treats after dinner etc). He also doesn't have to do the more difficult care when she's poorly. I'm not really sure how to redress this balance though, without feeling like I'm restricting his freedom as a parent?

She probably is also feeding off my anxiety about her at the moment. I know I need to just act like it's ok (I like the phrase "jolly it out" - thank you!), but it's clearly built up to the point where I'm struggling. None of this is helped by my having had minor surgery this week, so I'm currently struggling to walk and can't take her out or play around as I normally would.

DH has taken some last minute annual leave from work today and tomorrow to give me some more support while I recover and we figure this out. I'm going to share this thread with him. Going to take some time out, lots of deep breaths, and slap a smile on.

Thanks again, I really appreciate the advice and support.

My daughter who is now 2 yrs 8 has been going through this recently. At times it was very hard. Like yours, she has been sick on and off and only wanted daddy to comfort her. Just the other day she only wanted daddy to make her toast! My partner works from home part time and I think my daughter couldn't understand why he was home but not accessible to her and this made her cling to him more. He also isn't as boundaried as I am as PP mentioned.

She is kind of coming out of it now. I just kind of went with it and let it run it course, tried not to let her see my upset and was boundaried when necessary. Sorry its so hard but I believe it shows a strong secure attachment to be honest if it's any consolation.

Yes my DH also works from home and I think that's exacerbating things. He has had a tendancy to pop his head down to tell me something and then go back up, which really triggers things. I feel bad asking him to stop doing the and essentially restricting his freedom around his own home during the day - but with things as they are it does have to stop, at least for now.

A few of you have said about it showing a strong attachment, which I'm going to cling onto with hope the affection will return alongside that soon.

And sorry to those of you who've been through (or are going through) similar. Even if we rationally know it's 'normal', it still really fucking sucks, doesn't it.

This is so rough, DS had a similar phase. “I don’t love you, only daddy” was a common phrase for a while.

In the end, I didn’t show any reaction to the outbursts. Any comments about not liking or loving me were met with “Oh, well mummy loves you”.

DH also made sure to sing my praises in front of him. “Mummy reads the best stories, I want to hear the one about the bear”, “Mummy cuddles are the best” followed by giving me a big hug. Get him to bring you in to what they’re doing. If she kicks up a fuss get him to be the one to put a stop to it.

I do think it’s a bit of a control thing too. Seeing how far they can push the boundary and what they can get away with.

I read something that said children are so sure of their mother’s love, that they will always be there, that they feel safe to push them away while building their relationship with other relatives. That did make me feel better (when I could think about it calmly afterwards).

It honestly does get better, DS is 4 now and we’re out of that phase. I hope it improves for you all soon.

Hi OP, that sounds awful xx

My almost 3 year old was very like this for a long long time, but it was his dad he was rejecting. Janet Landsbury has some great articles /podcasts on extreme favouritism that really helped us.

Hi OP, I second the Janet Lansbury recommendation. Try this to start www.janetlansbury.com/2015/02/when-children-prefer-one-parent/

It is so dispiriting. They say parenting is a thankless task but this sort of situation takes thanklessness to a whole new level. It can feel like being in an abusive relationship. My son prefers his dad although it's not as bad as what you're experiencing. He doesn't hate me, I'm just an irrelevance. I console myself with the idea that my interactions with him are so symbiotic that he hardly sees me as a separate being. And perhaps that is a credit to me? I find the hardest thing is the supreme effort it takes to keep pouring out the love and effort for them in the face of indifference. And then knowing that any reluctance or frostiness on my part will only make the situation even worse.

I feel for you. Stay strong and read up on Lansbury's advice ❤

Oh dear. He really must not pop in and out while working from home. that is absolutely winding her up. He needs to understand that. It isn't personal, it is an absolutely normal reaction and very common. If he can't stay out of sight, he needs to go and work elsewhere.

Thank you, I've just read that article and can see so much logic in it.

I should probably clarify that I know she doesn't actually hate me, she just behaves that way a lot of the time at the moment. As I've said upthread she's always been a daddy's girl but it's intensified and we can't put our finger on why. We've had a couple of weeks of unrelenting illness and lack of sleep off the back of it, so my resilience to it is lower as well (I know I can sometimes spiral on emotions, something I'm trying to be mindful of and work on, but in this situation I've definitely let it get the better of me). I think, on refection, she may also a bit fed up of being stuck at home (she's missed her childcare days, baby groups etc because of illness). And I'm the one constant over the course of what has been a miserable couple of weeks; maybe she's associating me with just having a crappy couple of weeks and reacting to that?

I know I need to not give her behaviour any more power, but it's easier said than done sometimes. I desperately want to take her out as I think it would make a difference but given I can't walk at the moment that's not going to happen just yet.

This isn't going to change overnight, I know, but you've all been so, so helpful. Thank you.

Thank you. I've said this before, and I feel bad for having to restrict him to his desk, but it really isn't fair on her, and then on me. At the moment she's cottoned on to him simply being upstairs so just cries at the bottom of the stairs for him (she spent half an hour tonight screaming at the foot of the stairs while shaking the stair gate desperately because she thought he was upstairs without her - he was in fact out). I've suggested that he may need to go into the office a bit more for a little while; I don't want him to as I enjoy having him at home, eating lunch with him, having him home earlier for dinner, as well as saving on the commuting costs etc, but until she's moved on from this phase it might be necessary 😏😞

This is horrible but very common. My older DCs (3) have been through it with both of us at one time or another. I agree with holding the boundary where you need and not being seen to be reacting to it. I think having dedicated time where you let her choose to do whatever she wants with you (within the limits of what you can currently do) and you're completely focused on her helps too.

If it helps that you're not alone, tonight I said to my older DS 'you're my favourite Josh in the world' and he replied 'daddy's my favourite'. 😂(daddy is not called Josh!)

You poor thing! This sounds awful.

I know she is only 2, but have you and DH tried talking to her? They understand a lot
More than you think. Something like "mummy and daddy both love you so much. We both want to take care of you and comfort you, but sometimes it can only be mummy or daddy. Why are you sad when it's mummy?... (she may tell you something here)... mummy is sad when you don't want to be with me but just know that I am always here for you no matter what, and I love you no matter what. I love you"

Make sure it is with DH. Try to have predictable routines, do things she really likes with you, and even give her some treats (not DH). Just associate joy with you too.

Good luck, sounds really rough!

And definitely a phase but horrible while it lasts xxxx

I do tend to have a lot of dedicated/one on one time with her most weeks as my son is at school.

One of the difficult things is that she doesn't really have many words yet, so can't tell us what she wants or really be reasoned with. But yes, she may understand more than she can convey herself so it might be worth doing that. And agree about evening out who she gets the treats/what she wants from so it's me as much as DH (or more than DH at the moment), as well as him following more of the boundaries that I would normally have in place.

She shows hardly any affection towards me at all, and when I try and do anything for or with her, she gets hysterical. If I even sit on the sofa next to her, she flips out and can't move away from me quickly enough. If DH isn't here and she just has me, she just screams and cries.

Look at what you've said again. Then interpret it this way.

She is so secure with you that she takes you for granted.
When Daddy goes away she becomes insecure because she isn't sure he will return to her.

Just wanted to say that DD 3.5 has always been a bit of a daddy's girl but this really intensified around this age for us. MIL reminded me of it gaily the other day in the car "remember when DD was so obsessed with DH? <tinkly laugh> that was so sweet!" (It wasn't sweet. I sobbed a lot about it at the time and it was fucking awful).
It definitely passed, and now we're pretty much even. Be careful about googling - everything I read went on about kids rejecting their fathers because they had such secure attachments to their mothers and just made me feel like even more of a shit mum.

Yep.
This is my interpretation too. I think Daddy being near but inaccessible is upsetting for her.
Hold on! It will pass.

I just wanted to pop back to say thanks again for all of the advice and reassurance on this thread. Myself and DH have both taken different bits of it on board and I've tried to make myself more blasé and jolly about the whole situation - both outwardly and inwardly. And the last day or so has been so much better. DD is still mostly choosing my DH when given a choice, but I'm just telling myself to accept it for what it is and not add it to a pile of other feelings to escalate. But the big thing is that tonight, DH went out before her bedtime, and she didn't kick off. We played and read and it was just what I (we) needed. As I said to DH - I needed to see and feel those moments of affection as well as just 'know' they were still there. So thanks again all for the kind talking to. I know this 'phase' isn't over, but I certainly don't feel desperate and depressed about it any more.