Formula feeding guilt

[Bubbles021]

My little girl is 10 weeks old. She is the first baby we have brought home (lost our son at 33 weeks last year).
When she was born I tried breastfeeding, but she really struggled with the latch. We had to stay in hospital longer than necessary because of the difficulty feeding. When we eventually got home it was horrendous. My poor little girl was screaming for food, and now looking back I don't think she was getting enough from me when she was feeding. She dropped weight drastically and we were told to top her up with formula cup feeding if she needed it.
We kept persisting with breastfeeding and topping her up when needed for around 2 weeks. I was constantly seeking support, but the best I got was a few pictures of what a latch should look like. I was feeling extremely low and anxious about feeding times, I wasn't enjoying having my rainbow baby finally at home with us. My nipples were cracked and bleeding. I was told by my health visitor to stop using my left breast it was that sore. We ended up in a&e with her for something unrelated to feeding, but there we were told that she was dehydrated. I felt horrific. I decided from there to bottle feed her, and I have been combi feeding since. My mental health improved significantly, but at the beginning she was mostly having breast milk. Now that she is bigger I'm struggling to keep up with the amount she has, so I'd say she's having 70% formula, 30% breast milk.
I'm feeling so guilty about this. I know that fed is best, but everywhere promotes breastfeeding (I understand why), but it doesn't half fill me with guilt. Even formula itself says breast is best 💔
Can any other formula/combi feeding mum's give me some reassurance? 😭 Thank you ❤️

you are caring for your child. Breast or formula you are doing what you have to do. Don’t feel guilty for feeding your child.

Congratulations on your precious baby. Never ever feel guilty for doing your best. My DT’s were formula fed from day one - my choice and have never regretted it. They have grown up healthy and have non of problems which scare mongers say formula fed babies will suffer from. Formula gives babies an excellent start in life. The best thing you can do is to relax and enjoy your baby. You’ll look back and laugh at yourself when they are a teenager and want McD’s every day!

I had a lot of problems getting enough support for Dd's terrible latch during lockdown. I had such guilt about switching to formula but with hindsight it was the best thing I could have done for my own mental health. She's 2 now and running about the place happy and full of fun. You're doing the best thing you can for your baby by making sure she has all the nutrition she needs. Don't feel guilty for that.

When children are running around in a school playground at 5 years old no one can tell which ones were bottle fed and which were breast fed. Honestly, no one cares either.

Feed your DD with whichever means suits you all. In this case, FF a is doing it’s job. Relax, feed with formula and enjoy your little girl.

I totally hate this pressure these days to breast feed. You have tried your very best and it is not working for you or your little only. just because its nature's way that a baby is breast feed doesn't always make it best in my opinion. Vaginal child birth is nature's way but that very often doesn't work and is dangerous so women need an alternative and require a c-section.
Your baby clearly needs the bottle she will be much happier and content as will you please please don't beat yourself up over it.
My two dcs were both bottle fed 100% formula and absolutely thrived. Eldest now a teen is extremely healthy and intelligent on route to predicted grade 9s at gcse. my younger dc the same no one would ever know if they were breast or bottle fed it has no impact whatsoever on who they become, how intelligent they are or how healthy they are throughout life. Bottle certainly was best at the time for my two and I have no regrets.
Do what best for you and little one and don't worry what anyone else thinks.

that should've read little one not little only sorry for typo!

Congratulations on your baby. I know exactly how you feel. Much of what you said resonates with me.

My dd is now 15 and the academically most able in her class. She's fit and healthy - sport twice a week. And when she's not being an annoying teenager, she's lovely and happy.

And I couldn't manage to bf her and felt like absolute shit for it.

Keep yourself well

I''m sorry for your loss and and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I went through something similar with my first. I also didn't make enough milk with my second either. I combi fed both successfully (first until I stopped at 2.5 years and 2nd is 9 months).

-You are doing AMAZINGLY! You have been through so much and you are still giving your baby breastmilk. That's an amazing achievement.

-You are breastfeeding!! Combi feeding is breeastfeeding! And you are doing what's right for your child by giving formula too. Formula is amazing! It's what's allowing our babies to be super duper full and grow and develop, alongside breastmilk.

-SO MANY PEOPLE use formula. I live in like the most hipster yummy mummy breastfeeding central area of London and I see people using formula ALL THE TIME. Lots of celebs too and lots of people you wouldn't think.

-It seems like it's really important how your baby is fed now. That's natural; that's biological, it seems all consuming and all you can think about. But I promise promise promise you, in a few months it will matter less. And in a few years you won't ever think about it at all.

-If you want to stop, you can stop! You have tried and done amazingly well.

-If you want to continue to breastfeed, my top advice is put baby on boob as much as possible. They learn to be more efficient and start draining your boobs more and more the more they are able to feed. I fed mine every 1-2 hours. BUT if you can't be fucked to do that (totally understandable) you can just be consistent in feeding baby x times a day and there should still be milk there at those times.

-If you want more general support; there are professionals (IBCLCs) that can come to your house or do online chats to help you meet your goals, whatever they are. The right ones do NOT judge formula feeding or bottle feeding.

YOU ARE AN AMAZING MUM!!! ❤️

DS and I both struggled with bf. He lost a lot of weight, we weren't allowed out of hospital until he was feeding somehow... after a week I asked a mw to give him a bottle, and we were home , happy, 2 days later.

Despite having a happy, non longer hungry l baby, and a very hands on DH, the guilt was overwhelming. Tye someone said something to me, and most significantly it was my NCT course leader;

There are many ways to nurture a child, how you feed them as an infant is just one of them

That ff baby is now 6'1", 14, bright, sporty and has had no significant health issues.

Give yourself permission to do what works for you. Good luck x

One more thing to add!

I know lots of women who EBF who, in retrospect, think that their baby didn't quite get enough milk from them, resulting in poor sleep, not great weight gain, fussiness. These babies were much happier either when starting solids or when the mums started topping up. I think issues with breastfeeding and milk supply are more common than the "best is breast" brigade would lead you to believe. It makes sense biologically - our bodies are programmed to make just enough for our babies to survive and no more. I love the feeling that formula gives me alongside breastmilk - I KNOW that she is satisfied and getting enough. With my current baby I was able to EBF for a few weeks at one stage and it was actually hellish monitoring her weight and worrying that every cry was a hunger cry. That's why I now really really love combination feeding.

We formula fed from birth and DS is totally fine.
Please don’t worry.
I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through. I know from experience that this exacerbates the second guessing of every decision you make. You’re doing amazing!

This is why I hate the breast is best message plastered all over everything. The only people it affects are those who’d love to be breast feeding but can’t.

In your case breast wasn't best, your baby was dehydrated. Combi feeding or just formula feeding is best for her and you’re doing a brilliant job.

This. My dd was bottle fed and turned out fine. She graduated with honors and is working making good money. She is rarely sick and is well adjusted. Do what’s best for you and your baby , neither way of feeding us any better than the other.

I have one formula kid and 2 bf kids. Guess who gets sick wayyy more often? Hint: it's not the formula kid! (Who is also top of his class). It doesn't matter!! The only downside to formula is it's expensive.

I combi fed my DD. She is now 4 and spent yesterday racing around and dancing at a party.

I got a shitty comment from the hospital midwives when I was discharged from their care at 2 weeks but other than that no HV, nurse or GP gave a shit.

Anyway I combi fed her up to a couple of days before her first birthday when she decided she didn't to feed from any nipples. (She started saying words at 5 months.)

One of the problems is in this country some midwives and HV decide that if you start combi feeding you are going to stop breast feeding. When in fact if you got a baby who cluster feeds it means you can take a break while your partner/someone else feeds her.

This is what I was coming on to say. And trust me, I am a teacher. I have seen a lot of kids and I can’t tell who was or wasn’t breastfed. I can, however, tell you who has too much screen time based purely on their behaviour!

Congratulations on your baby!

I was lucky with BF and luck is such a big part of it all.

Sounds like you have put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into your efforts to bf. No one could accuse you of not trying hard enough! Also sounds like you didn’t get much support from professionals, which makes what you have achieved even more remarkable. Even after all the problems you’ve had, your lucky DD is still receiving some of your milk (and if you decided to stop that today, that would be a valid decision).

If you had a friend or a sister in your situation, would you think poorly of her? Would you think she had failed in some way? I bet you wouldn’t, so extend that same kindness to yourself.

I hope in time you can make your peace with this. You sound like a wonderful mum and you deserve to enjoy your much wanted baby. 💐

I ff both my DC's for reasons to do with difficulties in bf for me. They are now healthy, intelligent adults, doing the jobs they always wanted to do. One has a master's degree in a STEM subject. Both are highly respected in their chosen careers. Nobody ever asks them whether they were bf or ff.
Enjoy your dd.

My DD wasn't BF past 8 weeks. My DS was exclusively breastfed. Doesn't affect my bond with either of them. Obviously there's been differences but I would say they were more negative than postive. BF is a massive tie. I get hardly any time away from DS. I still can't have a proper alcoholic drink and he's not a good sleeper.

Formula legally has to say that on the packaging so ignore that. It doesn't take into account mums mental health, or family situation or even how much breasts milk mum produces etc.

Formula is amazing I FF by choice didn't even try to breast feed and I adore FF.
You know exactly how much your baby has, you can involve dad or Granny and it in no way affects the bond I have with my baby girl.

Fed is best and as your baby's mum you are doing the best to make your baby thrive.

You are doing brilliantly

Op, I'm so sorry for your loss. I also had a terrible time trying to establish breastfeeding that it affected my mental health severely. The hospital I gave birth in is supposedly one of the most breastfeeding friendly ones in the country and all I heard from them was "unlatch every time it hurts" "don't give formula or it will affect your supply". I went to so many support groups, spoke to midwives etc to no avail, DS wouldn't latch properly. I ended up with an upset and hangry tiny baby and wrecked wrists from repetitively trying.
Fortunately my mum who is fantastic at finding sensible solutions came up with the idea of combi feeding! I felt as though it had to be either one or the other from the way it was presented, which is not true. Now ds is almost 7 months old and I'm expressing twice a day for him & topping up with formula and giving him breast for his comfort & lovely cuddles but protecting my nipples.

Combi feeding is breastfeeding but regardless of how feed your baby you are amazing 💐

I also found the article below, breastmilk as little as 50 ml per day is still valuable:

www.lactationcentralnj.com/post/when-some-is-better-than-none

Once the dust settles you realise that in the greater scheme of things how you fed your baby doesn't necessarily matter that much 💐

Thank you all for such lovely messages! It really puts things into perspective, and hearing so many experiences is so helpful! Thank you ❤️

I’ve also heard that stat that even 50ml of breast milk per day helps benefit baby.

I asked in my bf group how long feeding gives benefits for and while there are always some benefits to bf, a lot of the life long protection comes from the first 12 weeks so if you’re looking for a finish line of sorts then you’re really close to that.

Equally if you want to keep on feeding / increase the proportion of breastmilk then I’d really recommend seeing an IBCLC as they’ve got the proper training and experience to help (which a lot of HVs and midwives don’t have!)

I would find an IBCLC to check tongue function - you could get them latching again too if you wanted. Breastfeeding was so important to me, I’d have been devastated not to continue when I wanted to. Unfortunately a lot of the advice given by so many professionals is wrong, which is why most women in the U.K. don’t reach their breastfeeding goals or stop when they don’t want to.
Scientifically human breastmilk will always be superior to formula, so any amount for as long as possible is giving your baby the best start in life which is amazing! Pumping is hard work and I never did it, I was way too lazy, I seriously respect anyone who does!

Please take time to breathe, put things into perspective and enjoy being a mummy.

Regardless of how baby is fed you sound like you need a massive hug but also a shake too!
Your baby has and will continue to grow so quickly, enjoy your baby while she's little and so long as fed it doesn't matter.

Fwiw I would actually say just formula feed to take the pressure off. That comes from me who was so lucky to bf mine easily with no issues or soreness- I know I'm in the minority. I'm all for breast milk but in situations like this it sounds like you need to have pressure removed.

Hope all works out x