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Parenting

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Original poster

Blended baby

63 replies

Baby2023 · 15/10/2022 08:41

my partner had two kids from his past relationship ( 3) and I have two from a past relationship (6) and (3). We are expecting our first baby in April. We currently don’t live together.

I was wondering if I am in the wrong for feeling upset about some of the things he has said. I asked him the other day if he will be there for the babies birth and a few days after and he said yes unless his kids needs him which I think is unfair as that a very important day(s) which shouldn’t be missed. The next is he is planning a week long holiday when the baby is newborn with just his kids. Makes me feel like it’s just my baby we are not a family and makes me feel very alone.

i asked
him if he wants me to look out for any baby stuff for his house and he said no cause the baby won’t be at his which again makes me feel very left out his kids have a room at his house even though he just has them at weekends.
i feel like preparing my self to be a single mum cause I am always going to be on my own. At the moment I see him for a few hours after work in the evenings before bed. I don’t see him at the weekends as he is with his
kids.

OP posts:

roarfeckingroarr · 15/10/2022 10:32

It does not sound like this relationship was anywhere near a good place to bring a new baby into. I feel for both of your kids, dealing with this merry go round and so much upheaval.

Original poster

Baby2023 · 15/10/2022 10:46

@LIZS i have stayed at his with his kids there yes

OP posts:

deathofthesnark · 15/10/2022 10:48

Is this behaviour new?

How many weeks are you?
Don't give the child his surname

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Kentgirl2525 · 15/10/2022 10:51

Sorry but why would you have a baby with someone who clearly isn’t into you? You are a single mum basically and should start planning for that. At least you know relatively early on and can set things up for yourself and baby now. Good luck!

fluffinsalad · 15/10/2022 10:58

OP you are a single mum

He is just going to drop in from time to time for sex.

This isn't fair on you or baby

uncomfortablydumb53 · 15/10/2022 11:05

You're a single Mum having another baby
You've made an assumption that he's on board with the situation
Look at his actions not his words

MayThe4th · 15/10/2022 11:08

He’s not your partner. He’s essentially a friend with benefits and it just so happens you’ve fallen pregnant.

You don’t actually have a relationship, what you have is a casual thing at best, and tbh it was always unrealistic to expect that you would suddenly become a family just because you have a baby together.

Whether you continue to sleep with this man is your decision. But you have gone into this situation as a single parent, that hasn’t ever changed.

To him he doesn’t have a bond with the baby, his casual gf is pregnant and given you don’t even live together or even spend nights together it stands to reason that he doesn’t see his life changing.

So he needs to step up financially, and depending on his attitude he may or may not decide to be involved in the baby’s life.

But given you don’t live together, I wouldn’t be foreseeing the baby going to his house anyway at least for the first year or two.

sandytooth · 15/10/2022 11:09

Tbh I'd leave him now and get used to doing it alone. He's not serious about your relationship.

2bazookas · 15/10/2022 11:19

You don't live together, you are both raising children separately. His priorities are, the children he already has, the freedom to do exactly what suits him, and a free shag.

Whatever made you think anything was going to change ?

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 15/10/2022 11:26

I think you need to cut him out of your life now, it'll save you heartache when you are more vulnerable in the later stages of pregnancy, labour or coping with a newborn. Once the baby comes along put something official in place regarding child support payments.
Enjoy your pregnancy and think in terms of it just being you and your children.

Iwonder08 · 15/10/2022 11:34

Honestly, I can't blame him. You are not in relationship. At best you are his new girlfriend. He shouldn't prioritise you over his little children. You hardly spend any time together. He is probably horrified about disturbing effect it will have on his child.. I wonder why you are not worried about the impact on your existing DC.. I am not saying it is not his responsibility, but you can't expect him to be overjoyed. It is not good news. He is telling you plainly and clearly the baby won't be living in his house. Neither will you. You are in charge of making decision re pregnancy, not him. If you are in charge then you are also in charge of accepting you will be a single mum. Hopefully he will be a decent human being and will have an active role in the child's life both with time and money. You however need to be accepting there will be no happily ever after

anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 15/10/2022 11:36

Sorry OP this is a car crash of a relationship ending waiting to happen

Why would you even consider having a child with a man - 1) you've been with less than a year and 2) you don't live with

TugboatAnnie · 15/10/2022 11:47

Listen to pp. Don't put him on the birth certificate. Give him your surname, even if it's your ex's name. This is not someone you want to be with, he's a part-time dad and likes it that way, definitely not someone you could rely on. In the week is it you cooking for him every night etc. Will he take care of the baby while he's there?

SarahWoodruff · 15/10/2022 11:52

He isn't your "partner". You don't have a shared life. At best he is a casual boyfriend by whom you are pregnant. Sorry that this is how it has worked out for you.

Tansytea · 15/10/2022 12:02

You had a surprise pregnancy, and he clearly isn't interested in having other children or anything more than a casual relationship with you. It's really sad because you sound quite needy, you wonder if you are "in the wrong" for wanting something that should be normal, do you really need a bunch of strangers on the internet to tell you that this is neither healthy nor acceptable an attitude for a future father to have? I think you know deep down that you do not have a relationship with this man at all, and it's really hard, but you need to to communicate better with him. You say he "seemed happy" after the scan, how do you not know, really whether or not he is happy? Because he's not telling you, or else he is, but you are not listening. He has said that he will not be around, you are not a priority and the new child is not. I think you are right to think that you will be a single parent to this new baby.

CarefreeMe · 15/10/2022 12:03

Are you in an actual relationship or will you just be co-parenting?

Are there any plans to move in together?

Do your DCs see their own dad?

I definitely think more effort needs to be put on the current DCs when a new baby is in the scene but that doesn’t mean it should be completely ignored.

I think he’s telling you that he doesn’t want anything to do with your or the baby but is too much of a coward to say the words.

Was the holiday planned before you got pregnant?

Merryclaire · 15/10/2022 12:03

Sounds like ultimatum time - either he is prepared to live together and give all kids equal priority - NOW - or you end things now and save a lot of heartache down the line.

Caaarrrl · 15/10/2022 12:04

I'm sorry, OP, but you are not in a relationship. You need to dump him and concentrate on your children.

sandytooth · 15/10/2022 12:04

Also it's not really a "blended baby" (weird term) it's just yours and his baby, he doesn't show any indication from what you've said of being a family unit.

CarefreeMe · 15/10/2022 12:07

He’s not your partner. He’s essentially a friend with benefits and it just so happens you’ve fallen pregnant.

Whether you continue to sleep with this man is your decision. But you have gone into this situation as a single parent, that hasn’t ever changed.

So he needs to step up financially, and depending on his attitude he may or may not decide to be involved in the baby’s life.

But given you don’t live together, I wouldn’t be foreseeing the baby going to his house anyway at least for the first year or two.

I completely agree with all of this.

OP you need to get it out if your head that you are in a proper relationship with him as you are not.

You are a single parent and that may or may not change in the future.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/10/2022 12:11

This isn’t a proper relationship. It’s casual sex to him by the sound of it, which happened to result in your pregnancy. Never make yourself an option. Be first choice.

starrynight21 · 15/10/2022 12:13

We have been together a year so not long

At the moment I see him for a few hours after work in the evenings before bed. I don’t see him at the weekends as he is with his kids

So you got pregnant to a man who you hardly see at all - just a few hours in the evenings after work ? So he goes home for bed ? Sorry but I doubt that he is even single - my spidey senses tell me that he goes home to his wife . You are definitely going to be a single mother.

Survey99 · 15/10/2022 12:14

Op, you are bringing a child into the lives of two people who already have enough on their plates with the children they each already have, with a man you barely know and are not even in a committed relationship with.

What on earth did you expect? Get your head around it and prepare to be a single mum of 3.

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 15/10/2022 12:20

I've had socks longer than this relationship he's basically told you straight his involvement with the baby will be the bare minimum

ReeseWitherfork · 15/10/2022 12:27

Agree with everything PP have said. Just wanted to add that no, I don’t think you are wrong to be upset. I’m assuming once you got pregnant you thought things would change and he’d get serious and commit. He hasn’t done so and that’s upsetting. It doesn’t matter if there were signs there or whatnot. Perhaps you’ll look back with hindsight and do things differently but that doesn’t help you now and it doesn’t stop things being upsetting.

Good luck OP.

(oh and @PowerhouseOfTheCell I think most of my socks are older than her children never mind anything else 😅)

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