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Parenting

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Original poster

Social services referal

36 replies

Walkinganywhere · 12/10/2022 13:31

I spoke to my gp recently because I'm struggling mentally after experiencing emotional abuse and my son experiencing it from partner. Gp, quite rightly, has made a referal as my son has witnessed and been on the receiving end of domestic abuse. We are not at risk physically and it has all stopped since I told partner I would leave because of how he has been. Our relationship is over as far as I am concerned and he is having counselling etc and been great since.
Now I'm worried about what happens next in terms of social services? Can anyone share their experience of the next steps etc? I'm just feeling a bit upset. I guess it's a sort of stigma that's attached to that even though I know it's all for the right reasons.

OP posts:

Ihatethenewlook · 12/10/2022 13:33

It depends. It kind of sounds like you’re still together. Have you moved out? Ss will need to investigate whether your child is at risk or not. If you’re still living with his abuser, then he is.

Dollydea · 12/10/2022 13:34

It won't end well if you're still with him or allow him around your son.

Original poster

Walkinganywhere · 12/10/2022 13:46

Even if he has stopped and is having professional help?

OP posts:

Dollydea · 12/10/2022 13:56

Walkinganywhere · 12/10/2022 13:46

Even if he has stopped and is having professional help?

It would depend on many circumstances but in all honesty if the abuse has already been documented and reported by a professional then you're playing with fire by living in the same house as the abuser.
SS could see at failure to protect him from past & possible future emotional harm.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 12/10/2022 13:58

You are actually still with him? SS wont look at that lightly, it looks like you are putting your relationship before your child.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 12/10/2022 14:00

All the research says abusers can change but not with a partner who they have already abused. You say the relationship is over, what steps have you taken as a result of that?

Orangesandlemons82 · 12/10/2022 14:01

Agree with others. The fact that you are still living with the abuser will be a red flag for SS. A majority of the abusers I have worked with before swear that they have changed and are getting the help they need. Very few, if any made long term changes.

ItsNotReallyChaos · 12/10/2022 14:03

I think you need to have plans already progressing to not be living with him.

Otherwise it looks like you're not protecting your child from a known abuser.

Also even though I'm sure the logistics of living separately are hard to navigate this is something you really need to take control of somehow for your sake and your child's, regardless of SS.

Johnnysgirl · 12/10/2022 14:05

I doubt social services will take your word for it that the abuse has "stopped".
They'll (quite rightly) assume that your judgement is suspect, and that puts your child in further danger.

WaddleAway · 12/10/2022 14:09

You say your relationship is over… are there any plans in place for either of you to find alternative accommodation?

SpinningFloppa · 12/10/2022 14:09

I’m sure all women say it’s stopped if they are choosing to stay with their partner…ss can’t just take your word for it

withgraceinmyheart · 12/10/2022 14:14

Agree with others that ss will need to investigate thoroughly to make sure your son is safe.

How long ago did the abuse occur? I think if he’s in counselling and making changes then that’s positive but it does need to be maintained over the long term. I think ss will want you to move out with your son until it’s clear that there’s no further risk from your partner.

Original poster

Walkinganywhere · 12/10/2022 14:18

They probably do.
It has stopped but that doesn't mean I want to stay with him. I don't. Tell me where I go with not enough money for a roof over our heads or local family who can help and I'll do it. I'm not looking for excuses to stay with him and as far as I'm concerned it is over and divorce is the only future.

OP posts:

decayingmatter · 12/10/2022 14:21

Why can't he go?

NerrSnerr · 12/10/2022 14:23

How old is your son and is your partner his dad?

ItsNotReallyChaos · 12/10/2022 14:24

Can women's aid help you find housing?

WingingItSince1973 · 12/10/2022 14:31

Every case is different but my dd was advised to leave her abusive partner or her ds would have to be taken into care. As it was we stepped up and they lived with us while she sorted it all out. They were very adamant that they could not be together and dd keep her son. The court granted my dd custody on that basis and the dad was asked to follow supervised visitation and go on anger management etc programme. He was too arrogant for that and we haven't seen him in 4 years. Dgs stayed on child protection for another 6 months then was dropped to child in need and finally case closed. Our services were extremely strict and my dd had to comply and prove she had. Sorry I don't want to alarm you but if that's what Ss expect of you then you have to work out a way of separating. If he still wants access to his child they will most likely be supervised only. It will be better for you and you little one to be free of this man anyway so they will help you do that. So sorry for what you're going through xxxx

Dollydea · 12/10/2022 14:32

Walkinganywhere · 12/10/2022 14:18

Go to your local council and apply for housing for you and DS, state DV/emotional abuse on the application and see if your GP would be willing to write a supporting letter (they might not do but it's worth asking)
Start looking for and applying for private rent too as you could be waiting a very long time for council accommodation.
Apply for single parent benefits and cut off all (if any) financial reliability to your partner.

It might be worth calling women's aid for advice, especially if there's a possibility your partner could become abusive again if he finds out you're planning to leave.

If SS can at least see that you're taking steps to leave then it will go in your favour. They can also help in terms of housing applications too.

Leopardprintisaneutral · 12/10/2022 14:33

Social Services do take DA very seriously, however the fact that he's accessed counselling could be seen as a positive. Would he be prepared to take a perpetrators course? It may also be worth looking into your doing the Freedom Programme.

WaddleAway · 12/10/2022 14:35

Have you spoken to Women’s Aid?

CeriseRibbon · 12/10/2022 14:55

It really won’t go in your favour that you’re still ‘together’ in their eyes, even if you consider the relationship to be over. Have you asked SS for help finding somewhere to live due to the abuse?

Original poster

Walkinganywhere · 12/10/2022 18:08

No, I haven't. However, I will discuss the support they can give with them when they get in touch, which I assume they will.

OP posts:

Original poster

Walkinganywhere · 12/10/2022 18:10

I have self referred to my local domestic abuse support service and will get contact from them soon.

OP posts:

Original poster

Walkinganywhere · 12/10/2022 18:11

I'd imagine he would. He has spoken to a MH refaral service on back of speaking to his gp a few weeks ago who said they couldn't help him directly but gave him info. I don't know what he's done with that as don't think the Councillor he is speaking to is from that.

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Original poster

Walkinganywhere · 12/10/2022 18:14

If I'm honest, if that's what they say then great. I hope it would make him see that's what is needed as at the moment he believes he needs to be at home to build relationships but I need space from him. We are in separate rooms and I spend very little time with him as possible.

OP posts:

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