I want to start gentle parenting, properly. But will I have caused damage until now?

[Hippopotomum]

Up until DD was about 2 I was quite a calm parent, I managed the tantrums, the whining and crying well and I loved being a parent.

Since have DS, my parenting has changed. I don’t know if it’s being tired, hormones, PND even. But I’m not calm anymore, I’m shouting more, I get annoyed easily. At first I thought DD has got naughtier but then the other day she unstrapped her shoe and the sound of it irritated me and part of me wanted me to tell her off for being noisy(huh?!) and then it clicked, she not naughtier.. it’s me, I’m the problem. I think maybe I’m burnt out but I don’t really have any family around and my friends are busy with their jobs and own children.

I want to work toward becoming a calmer parent again, I’ve downloaded some gentle parenting books to get old through but I want to make changes immediately and there’s only so much reading I can fit in around the children!

Ive been quite hard on DD for a few months now and I’m worried that it’s going to have an affect on her, she’s 3 years old so understands and remembers things I do and say - for example if she’s being really naughty I’ll threatening to take away her comforter which she then gets really upset about. I’ve thrown toys in the bin (albeit I’ve chosen toys that she doesn’t really play with, are already broken or missing parts as a semi-clear out ready for Christmas.. but it’s still not nice for her to see that I’m throwing away her things as a punishment)

I was brought up with quite hard parenting, and I definitely follow my dad in temperament, but I don’t want to. I just don’t know how to get myself out of this rut.

Also, I do feel like this might be PND related, I feel like I’m slipping but I don’t like to take anti-depressants because of my anxiety. I would go to CBT, but will I get help when my issues are around my toddler, and not my baby?

No MN just doesn't see the point in kicking someone when they are already down, know they need to change and are willing to alter their behaviour. Because most of us have been there at one point in time and know that some random on the internet making us feel worse about ourselves didn't help.

But I'm sure it's made you feel better about your perfect life and perfect parenting for a little while at least. So well done.

You can't change the past, all you can do is fix forward.

Philippa Perry 'The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read' is good for this.

A 3 year old wont be bloody damaged by strict parenting ffs. Op is not abusive and has already acknowledged she needs to find new techniques to help her communicate with her child.

Making the change can only go well for all of you.

You really REALLY need to stop threatening her and throwing away her toys. Think about it. If you were distressed and not behaving your best (as you have been, you admit) how would you feel if your partner or friend threw your belongings in the bin to try and get you to behave better, or took away the one thing that calms you down? If them behaving that way towards you seems appalling, then it is to the child too.

I had PND and I shouted. Then I read Positive Parenting by Jane Nelsen, which I suspect is an early version of gentle parenting movement. It made total sense. And... our family life transformed overnight. DH refused to read it and resisted at first, but even he saw how I managed to calm down a tantrum in three seconds. We had almost no toddler tantrums, not much bad behaviour and no teenage fallouts either. We have been a very calm family ever since.

No one is perfect. And tbh looking back, I finally accept that my shouting when they were small wasn't that bad for them because children do need to learn that how they behave affects other people, and they also need to learn that people have a wide range of emotions, not all of them sweet and calm.

FWIW, if you struggle with shouting and stress, a few months on the right anti-depressant could recalibrate you, so you're not pumping out cortisol all the time. It will make the whole thing easier.

@Hindsightin I see what you’re saying - I know it was horrible. But it was horrible for both of us. I don’t like to see my child upset, I didn’t do it because I want her upset, I just needed her to listen to me and it seemed to be the only way to do that was to take something that would grab her attention.

None of the previous comments have said that OP doesn't need to change her behaviour though.

Given the OP is talking about her own behaviour, the equivalent of the "LTB" comment would be to tell OP to remove herself from her children, leave them with her partner and move out. Is that your suggestion?

We were strict. That is different from abusive. It’s about firm rules that are made explicit. It’s about children feeling secure because they know what the expectations are and that even if the rules get broken, love is unconditional.

What is damaging is lazy parenting sold as gentle parenting - not bothering to set expectations, not correcting children and allowing them to feel the universe revolves around them. That creates entitlement and a lack of understanding of acceptable social norms and can lead to all manner of problems as what is cute in a three year old becomes irritating in an eight year old and entirely unacceptable in a fourteen year old.

Children need to know parents are human with human feelings and failings too. It isn’t damaging it’s a safe space to explore the impact their behaviour has on others. What is damaging is an unforgiving, unreasonably harsh style of parenting based on adults preferences not children’s needs. That’s not strict/assertive parenting. It’s as lazy and damaging as not bothering to parent.

She’ll be fine. Reacting in anger of frustration isn’t ideal, but we are only human. Unless it’s repetitive emotional abuse or physical abuse she’ll be fine.

Wow. Talk about an OTT reaction.
The OP isn't abusive. Calling abuse every little thing that isn't perfect behaviour minimises real abuse. It makes the word abuse meaningless.

Seeing as you are incapable of posting any concrete advice, I get the impression you get a high from being nasty to other people (pot calling the kettle black maybe....?)

My advice is this - just be the person you are and try to do your best. I am not a calm, gentle sort of person - ergo I am not a calm, gentle parent. I am far more of the “stop it, that’s really irritating” variety than the “Look at you expressing yourself” type. But I have thrown huge amounts of time and energy at my relationships with my kids and we all get on well and have a lot of fun (and they get on well together).

We were on the tube the other day. Woman with a baby and a kid of about 4 or 5 got on. Kid was whining loudly. She was gentle parenting loudly and performatively. Kid was then howling at a level that drowned out all other sound in the carriage. Mother was full on “oh, are you sad? Oh dear. It’s good to express how we feel. Why are you feeling sad? Can you find the words to tell me why you’re feeling sad?”. This went on for the full 20 minutes of our journey. In the car on the way home, I said to my DDs, “You know, that’s the way all the books tell you to do it. I think I should try that.” Cue much laughter and eye rolling from older DD and genuine horror from my younger one. “But Mummy - that lady was soooo annoying. Her voice was annoying. And what she said was annoying. And that child wouldn’t shut up. Just no!” And it made me laugh. Different strokes and all that. Try and be as patient and understanding as you can with your kids - but don’t try to be something you’re not.

I don’t really think it’s fair to accuse posters of being shit mothers/parents for showing empathy. In fact that seems to air on the side of irony.

I get that I’ve not been a perfect parent to her lately, I’ve accepted that and can handle it coming from someone else; but we don’t need to fly off the handle at others just for having a different way of approaching my post.

I’m just asking for the best way to become a better parent, faster. Where to start, tips and tricks on how to stay cool.

I respect there’s going to be a divide here, but I’m here for help and am happy to read and respect everyone’s advice preferably without name calling and deliberate hostility.

Shame helps no one. Your children have one mother and you make sure they get the best one they can have. You do the work you need to do to make the improvements you need to make. I’m three years in to educating myself and working exceptionally hard to be the best mother I can be and I’m bloody proud of myself. You can do it too.

They're not asking for help though are they?

OP you aren’t alone.

I have a 4 year old and a seven month old.

I’ve found having both really hard. I often feel massively overwhelmed and find myself shouting at my 4 year old.

ive spent a lot of time thinking about this.

for me it’s a combination of my 4 year old struggling with not being an only child and so behaving differently to previously and me struggling with two children and being overwhelmed.

im really ashamed of my behaviour at times (I’ve shouted at my 4 year old for things that are perfectly fine, really shouted).

im now trying to address it. This is what I’m doing….

saying sorry when I’ve been unreasonable. And being clear that it’s my fault and that I’m sorry.

making time for my 4 year old (doable now ebf baby is eating and Dad can have him for a couple of hours. ) So swimming together, baking, trip out with no brother around. Focusing on fun.

removing demands- if 4 year old won’t eat breakfast, I say ‘well you’ll be hungry’ but I don’t sweat it. I just hand her a banana or brioche as we head out the door. 4 year old won’t dress herself, I accept she wants attention and dress her. 4 year old is actually trying it on and screaming for something that isn’t allowed eg her computer at 4am- I repeat ‘this is how she learns boundaries shes not enjoying this either’ as a silent mantra in my head and continue a ‘no ‘ gently but firmly.

prep well. Try and make sure I have what I need eg clothes and nappies where I need them. To minimise how many things I need to think about at once.

mostly I just try to recognise what has made me feel overwhelmed and then work out what I can do to stop that happening again. So when I’m about to shout I stop, think about why and try to defuse it and then not get in that situation again.

so far my relationship with my 4 year old seems to be repairing and we both spend more time saying nice things to each other.

I will live with the guilt of how I behaved for my life time but I’m apologising and getting better and that’s what I can do.

parenting is bloody hard OP, well done for recognising what you are doing. I hope you and your kids feel that things get better x

I think like so many of these parenting approaches some people take gentle parenting too far. The example given by @WimpoleHat for example - sounds deeply annoying and I couldn't agree more that you have to be you and be 'authentic' in your parenting. That said - there are some techniques from positive (or gentle but gentle is too wishy washy for me) that work really well. For example - I found the whole "I can see you're really mad/angry/sad/upset/whatever because I've said you have to do xyz. I know it's annoying isn't it. I bet you wish you didn't have to do it." works very well. It's not going as far as Wimpole's example which is completely OTT and it still reinforces the boundary/rule but acknowledges the child is pissed off about it.

Also - I was you. I decided to take the antidepressants when I saw my then 7 year old try to stop my then 3 year old being 'naughty' so I wouldn't get angry. I can still see the worry on his face that I would start shouting. It was the wake up call I needed. The right anti depressant will help your anxiety too.

Good luck x

Read the Philippa Perry book mentioned above. Also how to talk so little kids listen. The explosive child helped me but that was specific to DD as well.

I had severe PND after the birth of my 2nd, 3.5yrs later I’m still fighting the affects. I shouted a lot more than I ever wanted, was not a good parent.

But I learnt, and I changed. I’m not perfect now but my kids are fine, we have a good relationship and they tell me their problems. It is never too late to change your parenting, gentle parenting doesn’t have to be permissive parenting.

Also have a read around generational trauma, I had to start healing some childhood trauma that I’d just hidden away. Letting the 11year old inside me cry for things that looking back weren’t their fault, was cathartic and has helped me be less reactive.

Oh and yes to AD’s, setraline saved my life and gave me the headspace I needed to start dealing with the root causes.

It's wonderful that you're feeling reflective and able to tackle these issues and only positives can flow from it.
I wouldn't get too hung up or stressed on reading lots of books as you obviously don't have a lot of time. Some of the recommendations seem excellent but take it slowly, a long reading list will stress you so maybe try 10 minutes every night. Looking back at my parenting I always got a lot out of spending individual time with my children and that might have been only 15 minutes every now and again.My friend has got a lot out of laughter therapy with her child.
Relax and look to the future.

I think don't have too high expectations, as this in itself causes stress. With toddlers and pre-schoolers, some shouting is to be expected.

Your self-awareness and willingness to change is fantastic, your DC are very lucky.

As a start you could start validating her emotions. When she’s upset or angry about something, acknowledge it but don’t try to fix it. “Wow, you’re angry. You really don’t want to get dressed.” “You’re upset.”

Maximise connection - eat together, just be alongside her

Google co-regulation and ‘window of tolerance’ and think about how you can use things like breathing to help regulate yourself. It sounds like you were not helped very well to learn self-regulation as a child but you can change that now.

Try listening to podcasts when you can? Janet Lansbury, Motherkind, self-care for extremely busy women.

Well done for acknowledging the problem. I am mum of 5 including 3 sdc and grandma of 9. In your position I would say that the comforter is sacrosanct, never remove it or threaten to remove it and make sure you always know where it is. Toddlers are often confused and get carried away by their frustrations at being unable to articulate exactly what they want eg struggle to fasten a shoe, throw it at at Mummy, want a cuddle when Mummy is busy with baby poke the baby. Naughty! Yes naughty behaviour from nice child. You sound like a tired but loving mum. Don’t punish via possessions but try distracting by offering a calm alternative like a story, tv, building games etc. It will work out soon xx

This is really good advice. To support our children we have to work on our own triggers and apologise when we get it wrong.
No parent is perfect, children need to fee listened to and understood as do parents.

Wow what a horrible person you are. The OP is asking for support. If you can’t offer any then kindly fuck of back to your perfect life. What an arsehole.

Inconsistency and unfairness damages children. That's the dangerous part when we don't realise what we are doing.