I want to start gentle parenting, properly. But will I have caused damage until now?

[Hippopotomum]

Up until DD was about 2 I was quite a calm parent, I managed the tantrums, the whining and crying well and I loved being a parent.

Since have DS, my parenting has changed. I don’t know if it’s being tired, hormones, PND even. But I’m not calm anymore, I’m shouting more, I get annoyed easily. At first I thought DD has got naughtier but then the other day she unstrapped her shoe and the sound of it irritated me and part of me wanted me to tell her off for being noisy(huh?!) and then it clicked, she not naughtier.. it’s me, I’m the problem. I think maybe I’m burnt out but I don’t really have any family around and my friends are busy with their jobs and own children.

I want to work toward becoming a calmer parent again, I’ve downloaded some gentle parenting books to get old through but I want to make changes immediately and there’s only so much reading I can fit in around the children!

Ive been quite hard on DD for a few months now and I’m worried that it’s going to have an affect on her, she’s 3 years old so understands and remembers things I do and say - for example if she’s being really naughty I’ll threatening to take away her comforter which she then gets really upset about. I’ve thrown toys in the bin (albeit I’ve chosen toys that she doesn’t really play with, are already broken or missing parts as a semi-clear out ready for Christmas.. but it’s still not nice for her to see that I’m throwing away her things as a punishment)

I was brought up with quite hard parenting, and I definitely follow my dad in temperament, but I don’t want to. I just don’t know how to get myself out of this rut.

Also, I do feel like this might be PND related, I feel like I’m slipping but I don’t like to take anti-depressants because of my anxiety. I would go to CBT, but will I get help when my issues are around my toddler, and not my baby?

Oh go away.

Oh just go away.

OP - I don’t think you are a bad parent, you are clearly motivated to do your best!

Some good advice upthread and you are really NOT alone x

My excellent NCT teacher with DD1 gave me something similar to this - I used to be ridiculously hard on myself and it was a good reminder to be more gentle. Particularly "You are an enabler - not a magician." Or, if you like "You are a parent - not a magician." Particularly worth bearing in mind as your kids get older and have their own firm ideas about things!

twitter.com/mintonbec/status/786620566702854144

Op you got some good advice already. I don't think it's too late to make changes. It's never too late and the earlier the better.

You could start with apologising to your DD and explaining to her that you were wrong throwing her things away, etx.and how you what to do things differently so that 1. she isn't confused by you suddenly being different 2. She understands that she wasn't bad or naughty but that you were stressed or whatever and 3 modelling good behaviour and showing that mistakes are ok.

Most importantly when you are trying gentle parenting don't expect things to suddenly get better. I mean your DD will still do things you don't want her to do and make your blood boil but it's just your reaction to it that will change (and improve your relationship hopefully). Maybe that's obvious but often when I've made a change I expect the other person to respond really positively and make things easier for me and of course that doesn't always happen. So don't be disappointed if Dd's behaviour doesn't actually improve especially not immediately. Your aim is for your behaviour to improve (and you might find that things will get easier when you have a better relationship). I'm not explaining it well but I hope you understand what I mean.

I also recommend how to talk so little kids will listen and why it's ok not to share if you get time to read books. They are full of ideas and tips on how to tackle particular practical issues.

OP the fact you’re aware of this makes you a good mum. My DD is 27 months and my DS is four months. When he arrived the sleep deprivation and overwhelm coupled with the changes for DD meant that I was snappy and shouty. I hated it and didn’t want to be shouty mum.

I then spent a day with my mum and my niece and nephew and how my mum behaved and reacted to them was illuminating for me. I was behaving exactly the same way and clearly her behaviour when I was a child was affecting me and how I parented. recognising this helped massively. Also my triggers were feeling overwhelmed or when both of them were crying for me/needed me.

Lots of good advice here but I focused on trying to keep calm (easier said than done) and recognising when I was feeling overwhelmed. Im still struggling but now when I do feel overwhelmed I say ‘ mummy is taking a minute in the other room with the baby because I’m feeling overhwlemed’ or if with my DH I say, please help me im feeling overwhelmed can you take over for a minute or whatever I need.

try and identify your triggers if you can and go from there

OP do you get much time to yourself to actually relax?

You said you were calm after your first baby. So I suspect the issue is that after having your second baby, which is a hugely stressful transition from 1 to 2, you have got to a point where you are at a permanent level of 'always on' high stress / high alert, and that means you have high-alarm reactions to things that would otherwise be normal everyday things (like the sound of the shoe). It's your fight or flight response kicking in really soon (hence the shouty reactions).

If this seems likely, you can give yourself a much better chance to react calmly by giving yourself some time out to unwind, destress and get yourself out of the high alarm state. Guided relaxation / meditation can be really good. Or a walk in nature. Or some time laughing with friends. Relaxation, calmess and joy. If you are getting some of those for yourself (and don't feel guilty about taking time for them, they are really important) then it will be easier to access them within you when you are with your kids.

I only figured this out when mine were much older than yours. I've done a lot of work and we have really good relationships now. So don't beat yourself up, it will all absolutely be ok. But I hope you can get there much sooner than I did

I was you, I turned it around.

I still feel guilt occasionally, but my adult sons are lovely well adjusted young men. I have been honest with them about my failings when they were very small. They've been gracious enough to say they consider they've been lucky to have really good parents.

It's ok. It will be ok. You can do this.

Well done.

what you’re describing is permissive parenting and definitely not gentle parenting. Gentle parenting still withholds boundaries but takes into account a lot of other things. If people look into gentle parenting properly they would see this.

Give yourself time out when you are irritated, as much as possible- turn on the tv, play dough and a cup of chocolate buttons to work through, etc and you sit in another room. then go out to the park- we always parent better in front of other parents! It’s partly self reflection as PP have said, but partly also just making new habits of language. Put yourself in the easiest position to deal with this- think about secondary school teachers- such a lot of irritating behaviours, almost always designed to disrupt and irritate and get an explosive reaction bc that’s fun to watch! The teachers learn how to sit on the irritation, keep an even voice, repeat instructions indefinitely, calmly restate rules and boundaries, enforce consequences with 15 yos who would happily lamp them. They do it by habits of language, so when they are really stressed, their go-to automatic phrase is a calm ‘you have two options..’ etc. but it is hard to make habits like this when you are already stressed, frustrated and annoyed! So break the cycle by giving yourself time away wherever possible and gradually develop stock phrases you can depend on when you feel your blood pressure rising..

Denying a 3 yr old a comforter is hardly " fucking awful"'.

I can think of about 100 worse things a parent can do.

It is a parents job to be in charge.

for example if she’s being really naughty I’ll threatening to take away her comforter which she then gets really upset about.

And what part of deliberately distressing your child do you think will suddenly make her stop being naughty?

Get some help for your PND and anxiety.

I'm sorry you've found parenting tough lately, OP. Well done on having the insight and courage to try to find a different, kinder way of parenting and to ask for help in a public forum. That is a big step to take and I applaud you. A lot of people will say carry on as you were, but I think you will feel better and get better results with a gentler approach. I have found that to be the case for my children and mine are of a similar age to yours. I can't recommend any books, but I have found the Instagram account "Big Little Feelings" has excellent advice for meltdown management and getting your toddler to listen to you and act more maturely. I would further add that gentle parenting is not about being soft. You can and should enforce boundaries. However, it is better to do that without shouting, losing your temper and threats. If you do, you are teaching your children to cope with the difficulties they will encounter throughout their lives in the same way. No one is perfect and we all lose our temper at times. When that happens, it is better to apologise and explain to your children how you wished you had behaved instead. If you do this, they will trust and respect you more in the long run. Good luck finding a way forward. I think it admirable that you have given thought to this and are trying to change.

@WimpoleHat your post made me laugh!

I am sometimes a bit shouty (not helped by a first child with hearing difficulties that meant he ignored other volumes).
I try to be calm and fair. I give them warning I am about to lose it now which works a lot of the time.

But there are times where they push me beyond that or quite frankly deserve to be shouted at.

I won't leave them upset and we always have a chat and a cuddle afterwards but they need to understand when they've done wrong.

I don't get the approach you decide on the train. They are usually stropping for completely irrational reasons that don't need explored. It just drags it out. I found 'ooh look at that bird in the tree' much more effective.

OP maybe rather than full on gentle parenting you just need a few more simple techniques. Counting to five, giving them choices 'mummy has now asked twice, I will ask once more and if xx doesn't happen x shall be taken away'. I found as they got beyond the terrible twos a bit of choice was useful in learning they have responsibility in this too.

And the biggest thing, just to let it go afterwards. Force yourself to be cheery and do the 'right now we are going out. Who can run the fastest' type stuff. It may stay with you but it's gone with them within minutes so don't let one bad incident ruin a whole day, morning, trip out etc

The Philippa Perry book talks a lot about rupture and repair, so how to repair your relationship after after a parental f**ck up (of which there inevitably will be many over the years). The key thing is to recognise what went wrong, acknowledge and apologise for it.

It's absolutely never too late, and I think 3 years old is still very young. Honestly, read the book - I found it transformational and very reassuring.

It is NEVER too late for parents to change and do things differently. Never.

she will be fine OP. She had a good start and you can move forwards and find a new normal.

I think most mums apart from the perfect, calm and amazingly patient that are often on here feel really overwhelmed and tired when the second child arrives.
I remember my first watching heaps of Thomas the Tank Engine DVD's when my second was born.
I felt awful and guilty and like a bad mum.
He bloody loved it.
Give yourself a break OP, the fact you've acknowledged you want to be better proves you're a loving mum.

The three sets of parents I knew who actively chose gentle/positive parenting had the whiniest most entitled little children I've ever known. They also had kids who couldn't self settle at night so they NEVER went out in the evening. Fussy eaters too.

Firm boundaries are kinder in the long run than gentle parenting.

Firm boundaries doesn't mean shouting, losing our temper though and it's very very hard when you've got a kid pressing all the right buttons not to sometimes lose your ability to stay calm and deal with things effectively.

Something I've found useful is to read the bits of parenting books that explain the different stages of cognitive development in young children. By understanding and remembering that the child isn't doing such and such just to be annoying I'm more likely to keep my temper and deal with the behaviour effectively.

Ha ha ha ya mad scone.

Well done for being self-aware enough for noticing the issue. So so few people
can do that.

I do think something hormonal happens to the mother around two years after birth, I was super mellow for the first two years and then went back to my prickly short-tempered self. I thought it was because I gave up breastfeeding then but who knows.

Tips? Hm.

• When you feel your temper rising, step away. Get a playpen near the tv if you can, pop toddler in and go into a different nearby room to take 5-10 min to calm down.
• Don’t get too drawn into the ‘gentle parenting’ books and websites, there is a lot of great advice, but far more nonsense.
• consider childcare: at this age for own sanity I had to enrol DD at a childminder/preschool for 3 mornings a week.
• Never throw away toys/comforter. That will not achieve anything and is traumatic yes. Instead, give lots if positive attention when child is being good and when she’s being bad, step back, pull a sad serious expression shaking your head and saying “We do not hit/scream, you need some by yourself time now” then pop her in playpen or other time-out zone and walk away. You’re training her that bad behaviour = loses your attention.
• Consider what support you need and how to get it.

Good luck!

I think you’re probably tired. Two to manage is much harder than one.
Try and get some quiet time for yourself.

Thoughts based on my 11 hour days alone when my eldest two were little. I’d often cry first thing at the relentlessness of it.

Get out the house every day. Go to the park. Even though you have a 3 year old get a cheap double buggy so you can switch off and walk. You never know they might even nap in it at the same time. Take a flask or get a coffee.

Set a timer and make yourself play with you elder for 15 min every day. Properly. Don’t be distracted. Then she’ll get some positive attention and you will feel better. Then put the TV on and chill out yourself.

Cut corners wherever you can- easy meals or change the sheets less often.

If you are going stir crazy and it’s raining do them a themed bath whatever the time of day. Stick some green food colouring and animals in and it’s a jungle bath. You can do sea creatures, Farm bath, whatever. It used to kill an hour. You can either clean the bathroom or sit on your phone.

Avoid head to heads. Offer choices. Even if they’re random they work. So of arguing about getting coat on say do you want x or y?

When bad behaviour is bubbling up a hug or some attention eg ‘shall we play with x or y?’ Can halt things before they start.

If you need a moment take it- throw them a bag of crisps, put the TV on and remove yourself.

@Rosehugger thanks for sharing. Number 5 is particularly useful to remember.

I always see gentle parenting slated on here but I actually think it can work beautifully. There's nothing wrong with offering choices, validating feelings, showing some empathy and compassion.

There’s some really great advice here, so thank you.

Just to mention although I do lose my rag a few hundred thousand times a day, I am very aware of what I’ve done and how she must feel after the shouting. We always sit down together after and I apologise and explain why I was mad and that I shouldn’t have shouted because it’s not kind, but then I do tell her that it would be nice if she could work with mummy, mummy won’t shout if she can try and be a good listener.

We’ve recently been trying to take deep breaths together when she’s really upset, she usually has a complete meltdown when she’s told has can’t have or do something at the very second she wants it. So that’s when I’ve started introducing taking deep breaths and talking. I didn’t think it would work.. I mean, breathing? I called BS. But it absolutely does work, when she calmed down enough to want to do the deep breaths with me she does them very well, then we’re able to talk and compromise on the issue at hand. She’s even told me to do my deep breaths the other day when I was playing with her and pretended to cry 😂 (I was a baby, she was a doctor)

I think I just really need to focus on controlling my own feelings first, as she’s not a bad kid at all. I definitely think it’s down to being burnt out, but she’s back to nursery next month and I think we’ll all be much happier then she can socialise with friends more!

@Hippopotomum I’ve realised that I was never taught how to regulate my emotions. And looking at my mum and her behaviour she doesn’t know how to either.

So I’m learning and also teaching the kids, it’s tough and I know I don’t always get it right but it’s 1000 times better than it was when DD2 was a baby.

OP You've already tried to be a good mum and you're aware that your upbringing was hard. I think what you need to do is to keep your upbringing in your mind and try not to pass the experiences down to your children. You can train yourself kindness, patience and respect for your children. Only you can discipline yourself. I wish you the very happy future for you and your children.