Am I teaching my son to be a push over?

[Whathefisgoingon]

My 2.5 year old boy is very sweet natured. We had a brief stint of “MINE!” a few months back but other than that, he is gold.

Recently we’ve had quite a few encounters at playgrounds where my son will be about to climb on something and a younger child will come over wanting it for themselves. Or, if we take toys to the park and another child takes them, most of the time I speak to my son about it and explain that maybe we can let them have a go/play first as they’re little, and he agrees. Then he usually runs off to do something else and we come back to it. I find myself putting the wants of other children before my own, I suppose in my mind I’m teaching him to be kind but am I actually!? What does everyone else do? Often the other children’s parents aren’t nearby so they don’t explain to their child that my son was there first etc

If my son is there first, its tough...the other kid has to wait. But i wouldnt take the piss with the lengrh of time we made them wait. If another kid snatches, i take the toy back off of them and give it back to my son. If another kid hits mine, i tell them to hit back.

You are teaching him the other children matter more than him. You are teaching him that his toys had no

When this happens you say to the other child, kindly,

Probably, not so much a pushover as others are more important than him.

Posted too soon. I’ll try again.

You are teaching him the other children matter more than him. You are teaching him that he has no control over his own toys and has to share them regardless. Why should he? We don’t expect adults to.

When this happens you say to the other child, kindly, “This is X’s toy. We need to ask X if he is okay with sharing it.” If your child says no, listen to him. Show him his feelings matter.

Or “X got here first so we’ll let him have a go first, then it’s your turn.”

We go with "everyone waits their turn" (there's a great Peppa book about that!) and "You might be able to have a turn when DC have finished with it". If they haven't finished playing with it, it's not really fair to make them share. Obviously lots of praise on kind behaviours.

Seems to work.

So what do I do? The thought of having a “it’s not your turn yet” conversation with someone else’s child makes me feel uneasy! I don’t know how I’d feel if I walked over to someone else saying that to my kid.

You're teaching him that pushing in is OK, at least for some. By all means don't hog and don't be slow but at 2.5, how much younger can other DC be?

What?

I dont get it...surely youd know whether he was there first or not?

When this happens you say to the other child, kindly, “This is X’s toy. We need to ask X if he is okay with sharing it.” If your child says no, listen to him. Show him his feelings matter.

Or “X got here first so we’ll let him have a go first, then it’s your turn.”

It takes a village to raise a child, especially if the parent isn’t around.

Children grow up entitled little shits when nobody teaches them how to behave. You can, and should, be kind about it, but it’s also a necessary part of being a parent.

You should also appreciate someone doing it to your son as he would be learning a valuable lesson.

I genuinely think of it as my responsibility as an adult. Like a lunchtime monitor.

You can do it affectionately or humorously- doesn't have to be a big thing. Like "Oh just hold on a minute, lovey. Number one rule on the playground is everyone waits their turn!"

You just say it brightly and breezily, without any hint of doubt or as if you're asking rather than telling. Ideally you head the queue jumping child off before they push in, and tell them to wait their turn.

Oh lord. Even the thought of it makes me die a little inside. Not sure why! 😐

Thanks for the advice.

I wouldn't bother having the conversation with the other kid. Just either leave the kids to sort it out between them or tell your kid to keep on with their turn.

Or perhaps, if your kid is about to go on the slide or whatever and another kid pushes in maybe just 'two moments there X is just having his turn."

For what it's worth though, I ponder this a lot as to whether in teaching them to be kind in certain circumstances am I actually teaching them to put others ahead of themselves.

Don't take toys to the park. Unless you mean a bike or something.

You can still be nice when telling someone's child to wait. You just say something like 'it's Steven's turn now but after that it will be your turn' you don't have to say 'scram you reprobate!'.

The fact that your so squeamish about this op shows that you are a pushover. Please don't make your child one

What do you do if your child is about to go onto an empty piece of equipment and another child comes over? Are you letting him have his turn first and then explaining the other kid gets a go now or are you removing him before he gets on to make way for other child??

The former seems fine and encourages turn taking. The latter is problematic for obvious reasons - you're definitely teaching him to be a pushover then.

He should have full control over his toys tbh especially if these other kids are strangers. Encourage turn taking if you want to but saying no these are DCs own toys and not for you to play with is fine too. If he is playing with a friend you can pre warn him of sharing and encourage turn taking.

Goid grief. It's not a "conversation." You are an adult giving a child direction which they need. If your child is behaving inappropriately, I would think you'd be glad for an adult to speak to him about it.

Why do you feel squeamish about standing up for your child? This is why everyone should have therapy before having kids.

I don’t know how I’d feel if I walked over to someone else saying that to my kid.

So your plan is to teach your child to 'be kind' and let other people go first but if someone else doesn't let your child go first or have his own way you would be pissed off?

Other adults are going to speak to your child.

@MolliciousIntent I don’t feel squeamish about standing up for my own child. I feel concerned about other children’s parents reactions when they return to find their child upset because a lady told them no!

You won't be upsetting children. Telling them to wait their turn isn't saying no to them. If you say it kindly and breezily the very large majority of children will do what they're told with no complaints.

@RoseslnTheHospital Yep, definitely seems to be the consensus here so that’s given me some food for thought.

Obviously I had concerns about the way I’d been handling these situations so far, hence the post.

Im comfortable standing up for my son but he’s my first and we haven’t had these situations before, so I wasn’t sure on etiquette either! These are other peoples children, after all

This is why so many kids are feral...never heard no before.

But why is that more important than your son? Parenting isn't a popularity contest.

If he's only 2.5 then surely younger kids won't be a big deal, I've got a 1.5 year old who is obviously oblivious to turn taking etc so I wouldn't be at all bothered if a parent mentioned that their child was there first (wouldn't happen as I'd be close by and making sure they're not in the way!)