Sick of my bratty kids. Have I over-reacted?

[MrsSnape]

The kids (7 and 9) have been playing on the xbox all morning.

After a few hours I went in and asked if they wanted to go to toys r us to choose the bike that they wanted for their birthdays (next month).

Anyway, DS1 whinged "no! I wanted to go swimming today, I've told you what bike I wanted on the internet, just buy that one". He was really nasty about it I told him that bike was out of stock so he shouted "so! doesn't mean it will be next month".

So I said to DS2 "do YOU want to go and choose a bike?" and he shouted "NO!" really nasty.

I'm sick to death of them, they got a fortune spent on them at christmas and have bothered with sod all but the xbox, even being ungrateful about stuff they were opening on christmas morning and there I was going to spend another £80 each on the brats when I'm struggling to get the money together as it is.

I was upset and went over and turned off the xbox saying "Until you can speak to me with respect, the xbox stays off". So ds1 ran upstairs and shouted "bastard" at me, ds2 started calling me a "git" and "fat arse" telling me to shut up etc and they've carried on shouting insults at me ever since.

I really feel like I dont like them this morning, they're horrible. I was going to treat them in yankee land today and everything.

Now I'm SERIOUSLY considering NOT buying them bikes for their birthdays at all, they both have a bike each anyway thats just a bit small so I'm thinking of just spending about £30 each on them for their birthdays.

I begrudge even doing that at the moment.

Have I over-reacted?

As for trying to reason with them. I think its worth a try at least. Ds loves our little chats when we can tell each other what's bothering us and what we could change to make all of us happier. He knows im listening even if I dont necessarily agree. I dont start whining about feeling unloved but we do discuss things, he feels he's getting a say then.(Even if he isnt really ).

I do understand why you overcompensate MrsSnape. I think its common among single parents, certainly the ones I know (myself included). Its heartbreaking when they come home from school harping on about what their friends have...you know, the ones with "proper" families. I never want ds to hear the words "well you havent got x, y or z because your mum is poor".

I wasn;t offended honest!!!! And I'm not saying my way is the right way, just the way that I'd deal with it, as I said before the OP knows her children and what would work for them, what I said is the way that I'd deal with it and has worked for me in the past.

Just a quick update, I've just told the kids about how I intended to take them to yankee land for their dinner after they'd chosen bikes today and would you believe THAT got them crying and upset! not the fact that they're no longer getting brand new bikes...just that they'd missed out on dinner in yankee land.

I don't understand them.

Good for you - remeber stay strong it will be best for them and you in the long run

Mrs. Snape Feel for you and sending you hugs . It is so hard not to "spoil" kids, for so many good reasons.

I'd love to do the supernanny trick of removing all toys and just getting one thing out at a time, but where the Hell would you put them.

So now I am doing "grounding". THat is remove clubs, parties etc., However that meant i was stuck indoors with him all morning as he'd forfeited tennis. It felt like I was getting the punishment.

Give them chores, for which they earn pocket money.
If they want to buy anything, they need to save their pocket money.

I find my DCs really appreciate what they get - because they've had to save up for it, shop around for it, and I find they spend wisely when it really feels like their money that's getting spent, not mine.

And I agree wholeheartedly with limiting conputer games and Xbox etc. My principle now is TV only for a specific previously planned program. (Fuse removed from plug, and only I know how to fix it - DS knows there is a trick involved, but I've never let him see how) and computer is a reward for whatever we are trying to improve at present.
But I only work part-time, so get some "Me Time" while he's at school, so I can't justify putting TV on for a bit of peace, though I am often tempted.

My DS gets stroppy if he spends too long on the computer and today DH got up with the kids and I took the little one to a party later in the morning so he was on it nearly all morning. Once I had got back and lunch was done I took the kids out on their bikes and no more computers for the rest of the day. It really does affect their behaviour, my DS was back to his normal self after a run around.

Deffo ban the XBox for the week as the names they called you were not on. Our DS can go on his DS/Wii/computer for 30 mins after tea in the week as he has to do his homework etc. On the weekend we usually do 30 mins after lunch and 30 mins after tea but there are the odd days where he ODs on the thing.

Oh, and we usually spend a bit on the kids for Xmas but no where near £400 . This year w e went away so could only get them small things and DS just got 1 DS game. Because it was the one thing he wanted most he did not even bat an eyelid, deffo scale down the pressies as soon enough they will wise up to it.

One more thing you need to find time for.

Go into the bathroom, look yourself firmly in the eye and repeat:

'I do not have to feel guilty because we are a single parent family!

Two-parent families get exactly the same whingeing of why-can't-we-go-to-Florida! This is something most children try on at some stage. They stop if they find they can't make an impression.

I do not have to compensate in any way!'

In the future, the wisest course is probably to limit presents to a level that you do not feel resentful about. It can be quite damaging to a relationship if gifts are given grudgingly- or regretted later. One solution is to only give what you are happy with in the first place.

to op, dontbuy them the bikes untill they appreciate you and things a bit more. they need to learn to respect you and money and hardwork a bit more.

the wanting to go to yankee land thing is interesting actually

how much FUN time are you spending together?

They clearly have lots of things (and I can utterly see why you have the temptaion there to buy them stuff, tbh, I grew up very materially poor also. I do often think that only rich kids can really afford not to have nice stuff.)

But I am wondering if there is some very negative spiral going on and if you are perhaps not actually doing much that is enjoyable as a family?

Two books that I really like:

how to talk so kids will listen

AND

Playful Parenting

MrsSnape said: "They do get too much, I don't know why I do it."

Because you love your kids and deep down we all want to spoil our DC rotten. Problem is, it's not good for them (or us).

If I had started this thread I'd be feeling really despondent, tell the truth, from some of the replies. Going all authoritarian on my DS would be a disaster, he'd just fight back (plenty of arrogant confidence hard-wired in him!!). Low-key patient waiting for him to calm down, and 'you have to earn your privileges' strategy works better, but maybe that's just my DS.

I personally wouldn't quickly withdraw privileges related to physical activity (like the Karate and swimming). Otherwise you'll end up cooped up with each other in grumpy moods. Although do hold fire on the bikes, they don't care, do they?

If it's any consolation DS (now 8) can be completely addictive where computer games are concerned. Has a low boredom threshold with everything else, but would play all day at any computer game, and they are a huge trigger for bad attitude. They are also incentive, though, for good behaviour. DS doesn't get computer time unless he's been well-behaved AND he's done a chore or his homework AND he hasn't been on the computer already too long.

See, I'm a convert to the idea that most children are inherently and implacably self-centred until their late teens, you can't do much to mould their true underlying feelings -- it's biologically hard-wired. You can only teach them to behave as if they truly cared about other people's needs and feelings. And weirdly enough, acting considerate actually makes them genuinely become considerate people, in the long run (I hope!).

Good luck.

of the point of the op here but how can you call yourself a "poor" family when you can afford to spend £400 on them at christmas, is this each or between the 2 of them.

then a month afterwards you are going to buy them £80 bikes each.

it sounds like it bothers your son having to get free school dinners? i remember from my school days how much some of my friends hated having these. could some of the money that you spend on material things not go towards paying his school meals so that he does not feel diffrent at school.

tbh I would spend less on their material presents, which they obviously no longer appreciate, and put it towards a holiday. It may not be Florida (if only) but could still fund a nice break which you could all appreciate.

Thanks again for the advice everyone. I've been doing some thinking and I know I need to re-evaluate the way our family works.

The kids have been so much better today without the xbox, we've had a game of Harry Potter Scene it, had a walk to the shops and they're now sat watching Order of the Phoenix DVD together.

Re: the school dinners....I remember how embarrasing it was too so I've decided I'm going to buy the kids a pack lunch box each (using a bit of the money that would have been spent on the bikes) and they can go packed lunch from now on.

Also the holidays...I do try to take them away each year, a couple of years ago we went on a trip in the summer holidays to London and LegoLand which was nice...it was only 3 days away however.

Last year we were lucky enough to go to Ibiza (someone else payed half towards the cost) and the kids absolutely loved it and keep begging to go back but I can't afford to do that again this year so I'm thinking of taking another English trip, going somewhere on train and staying in a B&B.

I don't help with the Florida thing since I have in the past brought brochures home kidding myself that I could save up if we didn't eat for a couple of years!

I feel lost without my car we used to go everwhere...seaside on a weekend, the big park (otherwise 2 bus rides away) etc...without it I feel trapped in my immediate surroundings which are crap at the best of times...maybe I should save up for a car instead of toys and bikes that the kids don't really want?

packed lunches sounds like a good idea. is the harry potter scene it any good btw? i have been wanting it for ages!!!

It is! it's great fun...took us a while to work out the rules but once we got the hang of it we really enjoyed it. It's nice and short too so you're not stuck playing for hours like with monopoly.

Only trouble is some of it was too hard for DS2 (stuff like "make a characters name out of these letters) as he's only just coming up to 7 but apart from that its great

it wont matter if its any good for the kids or not, its me and dh who want it

if you buy them less 'stuff' and instead try to give them an 'experience' as their present eg a holiday, w/end at centre parks, dinner at yankeeland for 4 mates, whatever - would that help balance the books?

(I speak as one who got it wrong, all stuff and no quality time, btw!)

Honest question....How does another child know that yours get free school dinners? How does it work?

and how you save your £400 is noone elses business. I saved money for my ds's birthday from selling most of my clothes, and quite a few of my belongings on ebay, not that it matters.

Deffo cut back on pressies and save for a car, that will change the quality of lie for you all on a day to day basis and that will benefit you all!

I am married but don't work and so we have one salary paying for everything and so we won't be going to Florida any time soon. It is not jsut single parents that don't have exotic holidays! We invested in a tent, and some basic equipment so our holidays are pretty much paid for for the next 5 years. Most kids like camping and it is cheap!

My Mum was on her own with me and my brother and we went camping every year and loved it

I agree - camping is freat for kids. I used to love it when I was growing up and we are going to invest in our first BIG tent this year. It's an initial big outlay, but we willbe able to go on holiday loads then as it won't cost as much to go on holiday in the future so tent will end up paying for itself.

Hope you're feeling better about yourself OP. I know I come down on the stricter side of things but you know what will work best with your kids, and if one thing doesn;t work, don't worry try something else, you'll get there in the end

MrsSnape,
I have ds1 who is 9 and although he can be a terror he would not dare speak to me the way your 2 have you....Mind you I would not be banning the x-box for a week i would be taking it away permanently. As for b'days....my ds turned 9 in july he got a big fat ZERO because he had been rude to me. i wouldn't be spendiing a penny on either of them. but thats just my way.

Hi There

gosh over reacted no, cos I would have gone further and made them pack up every toy, games,consoles the works and placed the whole lot in the ruddy loft.
& they would have lost all privilages that they take for granted.
and they would have had to earn every privilage/toy back over time, deffinatly would'nt get any other single thing even for thier birthdays till they had shown me they had learnt respect.
cos in my estimation swearing and calling your mother filthy names is the lowest point a child can get.
I am 33 and I would still never speak to my own mother like that.
not out of fear but cos she made sure that if I needed to respect anyone the 1st priority was the woman known as my mother.
Then from there she taught me to show respect to other's and so forth.

I think you do need to take a firm line here cos if you don't and they don't learn to respect you as thier mother, then how will they learn respect for themselves or for other people.