Sick of my bratty kids. Have I over-reacted?

[MrsSnape]

The kids (7 and 9) have been playing on the xbox all morning.

After a few hours I went in and asked if they wanted to go to toys r us to choose the bike that they wanted for their birthdays (next month).

Anyway, DS1 whinged "no! I wanted to go swimming today, I've told you what bike I wanted on the internet, just buy that one". He was really nasty about it I told him that bike was out of stock so he shouted "so! doesn't mean it will be next month".

So I said to DS2 "do YOU want to go and choose a bike?" and he shouted "NO!" really nasty.

I'm sick to death of them, they got a fortune spent on them at christmas and have bothered with sod all but the xbox, even being ungrateful about stuff they were opening on christmas morning and there I was going to spend another £80 each on the brats when I'm struggling to get the money together as it is.

I was upset and went over and turned off the xbox saying "Until you can speak to me with respect, the xbox stays off". So ds1 ran upstairs and shouted "bastard" at me, ds2 started calling me a "git" and "fat arse" telling me to shut up etc and they've carried on shouting insults at me ever since.

I really feel like I dont like them this morning, they're horrible. I was going to treat them in yankee land today and everything.

Now I'm SERIOUSLY considering NOT buying them bikes for their birthdays at all, they both have a bike each anyway thats just a bit small so I'm thinking of just spending about £30 each on them for their birthdays.

I begrudge even doing that at the moment.

Have I over-reacted?

You definatley haven't over-reacted.

They sound spoilt, why are you spending so much money on them when they don't even appreciate it?!

I would conviscate the x-box, round up all the presents they got for christmas that they don't appreciate or play with and sell them on ebay, and NOT get them bikes for their birthdays. What's the point of getting them biked when they don't even seem bothered?

You need to take back control and teach them to appreciate how mucky they are and how muchthey get.

Good luck.

sorry, lucky not mucky!

I too am shocked at your ds's lack of respect towards you and presnts/money.
You yourself know that this is an issue that needs to be adddressed, don't you ?
Ds is sometimes a pain, and shows a lack of respect for the toys he was bought at christmas. I have banned toys and tv for days. But goodness, he has never said things that bad. Dh would go mad.
What does their dad think ?

I think you meant presents still in their packagin grather than xmas paper?

I'm sorry, but if my child was so ungrateful for xmas presents, then there would be NO way she would be getting birthday presents.

Either that or I would re-wrap the untouched xmas presents.

Dh brought her a Thomas the Tank Engine train & turnaround thing as a treat last week, this week she starts on about wanting more. Had a little tantrum, so I took away her new turnabout thing & new train & she was devestated.

She can have it back when she is greatfull for what she already has!

You didnt overreact. If my ds spoke to me like that his x-box and half of his belongings would be straight on ebay. Certainly no bike, and he knows it.

Agree with what everyone on her has already said.

Please don;t ake offence but it sounds like you give them too much already. You need to remeber who is boss her, you not them. How dare they talk to you like that.

I once looked after two children and whilst the 10 yr old was having a tantrum she told her dad to fuck off and he said nothing! They would never have dreamed of speaking to me like that as they knew they wouldn;t get away with it.

You need to set new boundries. Personally I wouldn't sit them down and have a chat with them and explain what you do and don't expect, that's treating them like adults and they're not, they're children. You have to decide what you want and start enforcing it.

Remove privilages like the xbox and tv. Get them to help you around the house, they are now old enough to do certain job and earn their pocket money - in the long run they will get a sense of pride from earning their money, saving up and buying what they want and they will take better care of their possesions than if you go and buy them. Also a good lesson to teach them for their adult life that you can always get what you want when you want it.

You obviously have it tough being on your own, I never realised how hard it was for single parents until I children of my own, hats off to you, your job is doubly hard, however if you can take the stick now it will be worth it in the long run, they will respect you and your relaionship will be so much better. Good luck.

I sit my 7 and 3 year old down and tell them how I feeel about the way they act and what I expect of them, they tell me how they feel and we discuss things, it makes for good communication and less rebellion IMHO.

I can see where you are coming from njm, however from the current behaviour I don;t think that they will respect her at this stage. I think that there will be plenty of time for them to learn how to be respected, but at the moment they need to learn that they do not rule the house. But hey it's a minor point and just a differnece of opinion. The OP knows her children and will know what will work for then, the main thing is that she regains the upper hand so that they can all get on better.

Just another idea, I think someone already mentioned it - try and get them out in the fresh air more rather than letting them have too long on the xbox. Are there any sports that they like - football, rugby, karate etc. You could use the money that you were going to spend in bikes to enrol them in a sports course - this would teach them patience, discipline, gamesmanship (actually maybe football not the best one for that!!!) and would also allow them to burn off some energy.

They do get too much, I don't know why I do it. Every christmas is the same, they don't bother with half of their presents and so I say "definately not spending as much next year" but next year comes and there I am rushing around the shops panicking that they havn't got enough...before I know it their budget has crept past £300 and christmas day comes and only £100 worth of stuff is actually wanted and bothered with.

I suppose I do it in a way to make up for the fact that they're living in a "Poor" household...they come home from school saying "so and so is going to Florida, why can't we go?" or "Why am I the only kid in the class that has to have free dinners?" and I feel guilty and go all out to make it up with material stuff that they don't really want and I can't really afford. .

Everything is just a mess at the moment, the kids are out of control, I can't find work and the house is a tip...I think I got into the habit of letting them get away with stuff as it was one less thing to stress over but naturally that has backfired now.

I've told them they can have 1 present off me for their birthdays and nothing worth more than £30. They're not even that bothered about not getting the bikes so it just goes to show they wouldn't have been appreciated anyway.

It's not just about them respecting her, it's about ehr respecting them, I think by sitting them down and talking to them, allbeit telling them how she is going to run things from now on and what she expects of them, she will be showing them respect, and that is a really great thing in a parent child relationship, at the moment her children arent respecting her, they are using her and she needs to get them back on side as it were.
At 7 and 9 she could save a lot of aggro by discussing their behaviour and explaining why she is goign to do what she is going to do.

just to add, we all do karate 3 times a week together DS1 started first and me and DS2 joined a few months afterwards.

MrsSnape, firstly, why are they not helping with housework? You are their mother, not hired help.
Give them chores, set some guidelines and kick 'em into shape, you dont have to put up with this.
Secondly, as I was saying, I think a long talk is whats needed, they are old enough to listen, understand and discuss, if I were you I'd leave them for now, just keep them out of the way today, and think of exactly how you want your family to run. First thing tomorrow morning, sit them down, tell them you're feeling unloved and unappreciated and that it cant go on. Explain how swearing at you etc makes you feel and that you wont accept it anymore, then tomorrow is the start of a brand new way of things, give them the chores (you can let them choose their own if it makes them feel better about it) explaint hat you're happy to allow them things (like the xbox) bt it needs earning first, and as soon as they step out of line they will be in their rooms with nothing.

Try to make it sound as positive as possible, but make it clear you are not going to back down.

Good Luck

(sorry if I sound bossy btw, I just dont think it's fair that you shoudl have to feel liek this)

Sorry havent read everything but two things come mind.
Does you ex bad mouth you in front of them, they could be copying him to some extent,and they need to see you not as a woman alone, but with backing, so the 7 and 9 year old should be signed up to something (football training,scouts,athletics) anything with a strong disaplining bloke who can drill obedience and unselfishness into them.
You can rationalise why they are doing what they are doing, but in the meantime they need to be instructed in how to behave and you need to gewt the support you need.
Just get them out of the house to let off steam in a structured environment.

Hows the karate instructor? I know one week ds's sensei (sp?) chatted to all his students about respecting their parents, respecting other people etc.

We're not a perfect household here. My kids are messy, im tired much of the time and do grumble. We do chores though, always have done. Ds takes clothes upstairs for me and puts his own away, little dd trots along behind him with the socks and pants! Ds polishes, sometimes sweeps up or hoovers, takes a bin bag out for me. Dd folds the tea towels and putting the wash tabs in is "her" job, she will actually tell me off now if I do it.

My mother thinks im incredibly cruel for making them do chores but I dont agree. They have nice things yes, perhaps more than they should at Christmas although they dont get stuff all year round. If either of them wants something at any other time they have to "earn" the pocket money and save up to buy it. It seems to be working. Ds is saving up at the moment. Dd had some money from various people for her birthday and I took her in Toys R Us to spend it. She stopped halfway through our trip and said "right, that's enough toys now, im saving the rest". Not what I expected to hear from a four year old but I was very pleased all the same!

I also got an unexpected surprise on her 4th birthday the other week. She crept up to me after everyone had gone home and said "I've had such a lovely time today, Thank you mummy". I was and .

NJM- not offended at all and maybe I'm too stict. Have just spoken to DH about this thread and he say that he would take elements of both sides, however the area that we both agreed in was do not "sit them down, tell them you're feeling unloved and unappreciated" maybe it would be a good idea to explain that things are going to change and that their behaviour will not be tolerated, but do it in a way where you come across as strong and confident, telling them that you feel unloved would undermine this.

I think it depends how you come across quint, if I told my children they made me feel unappreciated and unloved they wouldnt think 'Oh mum's not strong enoguh to do this' they'd think 'Damn, we've upset mum.' But then that's the way theyve been bought up from day1 so maybe it would be different.