Strict parenting which is now worrying me

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Wwyd? How to handle the following?

H very strict parent. DS is nearly 8 and is a happy playful boy but can’t put a foot wrong without H breathing down his neck. Caused H and I many arguments.

Today, we had been enjoying a nice morning but when I left the room for one minute I heard son crying and said “dad hurt me. He hurt me.” Turned out that DS had been asked not to jump on sofa but was playing and did jump on sofa. H grabbed son by back of neck in anger(/punishment?) to get him off sofa.

H seems oblivious to the way he behaved. H and DS were soon playing after it happened.

DS is soon off to football so I want to address this with H.

So you condone violence towards children do you?
I am glad you cleared that up for anyone reading.

I am pretty sure op as a functioning human being has already 'communicated' her feelings about her dh's violent actions and manner towards their child, probably many more times than she would like to admit, and yet he continues anyway. If she supposed to stand by and allow the mistreatment and abuse of her child in the lame hope her dh will finally listen?....I think not. There is a serious problem within this family - one that could easily see safe guarding agencies being involved, of course she has to robustly protect her child and ensure his wellbeing. It is our first duty to our child, to keep them safe from harm.

It would seem the problem is that your H is not being strict but being inappropriate. There has to be consequences for repeated defiance but grabbing by the neck and hurting a kid like that is not a good idea. You need to sit down with him and think of an appropriate response

@Kissingfrogs25 A great example how people take everything out of context here! "So you condone violence towards children do you". Not sure how did you read that out when I was talking about communication!
Not everything is black and white all the time, especially when we don't know the circumstances! I am not defending any of the parent; they both in a wrong here!

In my understanding, OP does not think the husband is abusive (I REALLY hope in that case she won`t be posting here ask for strangers advice but would do something about it!)

That is a huge and dangerous assumption to make. If you had been on here for any length of time you would know that many women that are used to abusive/ coercive relationships or those from awful childhoods do not always recognise a serious problem/issue even when it is plainly obvious to everyone else.

H grabbed son by back of neck in anger(/punishment?) to get him off sofa

It is illegal to assault a child, and an aggravating feature will be any attempt to restrain a child by the neck. If you can't see how dangerous that is to a young seven year old child then I really, really can't help you tina

@Kissingfrogs25 Again, instead keep repeating yourself, read and take it in what I am saying. We are talking about two separate things!

The child had already been told not to jump on the sofa, yet he continued to do it. I assume the father grabbed at his collar to pull him off, rather than, as many are assuming, put his hands around the boy's throat. The OP wasn't clear on exactly what happened.

Still not needed though.
I just took my dc hand. At most, I would have lifted him off the sofa. No need ever to put your hand in the neck of the child or grab his collar.

To me it sounds like you’re husband needs some kind of therapy. Grabbing someone by the neck isn’t strict - it’s abusive but it shows that perhaps your husband doesn’t know how to discipline your son without loosing his temper. I’d recommend your husband maybe try some sort of anger management and you both go to family therapy so they can help teach your husband how he can set up boundaries for your son (like not jumping on the sofa) without loosing it.

Also, not sure if this is helpful but I’m a big supernanny fan and have seen so many episodes with dads who are too strict/loose it when trying to control their kids. My ex was also super old school ans I found that actually sitting, watching the episodes with him was really great as it opened up a conversation and made him examine his own behaviour:

parental disagreements about appropriate rules and discipline were one of the major reasons for difficult behaviour

Someone asked what I meant about that. Children thrive of kindly control - on knowing where the boundaries are within which they can feel safe. But they get very confused and insecure if the 2 parents have different rules, different sanctions and different rewards - they just do not know where they stand. And they are tempted to play one parent off against the other. ("Daddy lets me do it.") It is a temptation that they find hard to resist, even though it unsettles them because they are unable to deal with the power it gives them. And - yes - sometimes, when they know there is this discrepancy, they make stuff up.

Let us assume that, as the OP is telling us, her OH is not abusive; but the child knows that he can say that Dad has been and get a reaction from Mum. He can get Mum on his side and milk this.

Now I have no idea what actually happened, any more than any of us on here do, but I do know the scenario where a child makes stuff up for effect and a reaction.

Aside from the specifics of this incident, the principle of parents needing a unified approach to dealing with their child's behaviour is a sound one. It helps the child to feel secure - to know what is considered right and wrong in his home.

Yes, exactly this. Mine isn’t aggressive like this, but careless - and his insistence that DS then 6 months could sit with him on the sofa after he’d done hours of driving led to DS being seen in French A &E when DH nodded off and DSrolled off the sofa.
I waited until both Dc were in bed when we got back from the hospital and gave him both barrels as quietly as possible not to wake the kids - but he knew how furious I was and took it.
You need to lay the law down now very firmly.

@Tina8800 obviously this wouldn't be said infront of the child.

Going from the OP only, how would you feel about an adult grabbing your child by the back of the neck? What would you honestly do in the situation? It's just not acceptable parenting.

And if a consequence is ever needed for behaviour it should never be physical.

What your husband did was totally unacceptable but so is jumping on furniture at 8 years old. Why would your son do this especially after being warned not to do it. Your husband is being a bully but does he have to deal with your son doing the opposite to what he is told a lot? I would be talking to son and telling him he is 8 and needs to to do as he is told or he is will lose privileges such as watching TV, screen time. I would talk on to DH when DS is in bed and tell him he can't be physical with DC he should talk to child about why he is misbehaving and warn of consequences of not doing as he is bid by his parents. Are you over indulging child so he thinks he can do as he pleases?