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Original poster

Strict parenting which is now worrying me

62 replies

Createanewusername · 08/10/2022 12:37

Wwyd? How to handle the following?

H very strict parent. DS is nearly 8 and is a happy playful boy but can’t put a foot wrong without H breathing down his neck. Caused H and I many arguments.

Today, we had been enjoying a nice morning but when I left the room for one minute I heard son crying and said “dad hurt me. He hurt me.” Turned out that DS had been asked not to jump on sofa but was playing and did jump on sofa. H grabbed son by back of neck in anger(/punishment?) to get him off sofa.

H seems oblivious to the way he behaved. H and DS were soon playing after it happened.

DS is soon off to football so I want to address this with H.

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AccountDeactivated · 08/10/2022 13:42

You need to justify how in any way you could consider grabbing a kid by the neck to be ok.

OP can answer if her husband terrorises and bullies the child, or if he has some rules in place out of love and care and is an excellent, enriching parent. I can guess which myself, because I have reading comprehension.

KatherineJaneway · 08/10/2022 13:43

Sounds very worrying 😩 When he says grabbed him by the neck I assume he meant grabbed by the neck rather than grabbed a collar or material on a jumper neck ... not that it would make much difference.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2022 13:54

Jessbow · 08/10/2022 13:30

Depends how your husband grabbed him 'by the neck'

An open hand around his throat- unacceptable
His arm thrust forward, bent at the elbow so boys chin was in his elbow and pulled the child back towards him- not so bad.

What strategies do you have for getting an 8 year old off jumping on the sofa when he's told not to?

sounds like a big gap between how you parent, you too soft, dad too tough, ( and a boy that enjoys it)

The former, grabbing by the throat, unacceptable. What reads like getting the child in a headlock, not so bad. No neither is acceptable and both abusive. As a child, who had violent parenting and was of the do no wrong variety so as not to be hit, too tough is minimising.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

8 year olds Families General parenting
SkirridHill · 08/10/2022 13:55

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 08/10/2022 12:50

The second my son is out the door, I would turn to my husband and say " The next time you put your hands on my son will be the last day you see either of us. We are no longer willing to walk on egg shells with you in this house, so get your shit together or get out. Your way of parenting is damaging our son and I won't have it any more."

That is the only thing you can do for your son. Enabling a husband like that means that you are complicit in this way of raising and your son deserves better.

This. I'd feel sick if my DC was telling me their Dad had hurt them.

AccountDeactivated · 08/10/2022 14:07

@Jessbow are you seriously asking tips on how to get a kid off a sofa?

‘Get down, thanks.’

jfc.

Pumperthepumper · 08/10/2022 14:11

That’s assault. But also breathing down his neck constantly in his own home is shitty parenting.

aSofaNearYou · 08/10/2022 14:14

AccountDeactivated · 08/10/2022 13:42

You need to justify how in any way you could consider grabbing a kid by the neck to be ok.

OP can answer if her husband terrorises and bullies the child, or if he has some rules in place out of love and care and is an excellent, enriching parent. I can guess which myself, because I have reading comprehension.

I would consider guiding a kid down from the sofa from the back of the neck acceptable. It's not clear from the post which it was, and OP didn't witness it. If it turns out he grabbed him by the throat or such like, my opinion would be different.

JenniferBarkley · 08/10/2022 14:20

What's your son like in terms of telling the truth and overreacting?

If my four year old was jumping on the sofa and didn't stop when told, I would absolutely physically remove her from it (and have done so). This would be by lifting under the arms, not around the neck.

What does your DH say happened? Sounds like your DS was being very bold - I wouldn't expect an NT 8 year old to be jumping on furniture or to continue when told to stop. Is there any chance he's looking to deflect the heat?

Obviously if your DH did grab him around the neck then that's unacceptable but what do you think is the most likely explanation?

AccountDeactivated · 08/10/2022 14:20

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Liorae · 08/10/2022 14:23

AccountDeactivated · 08/10/2022 14:07

@Jessbow are you seriously asking tips on how to get a kid off a sofa?

‘Get down, thanks.’

jfc.

Per the OP the boy's father had already tried that and was ignored.

aSofaNearYou · 08/10/2022 14:28

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Yes, but she wasn't fucking there to see it. Who's words is she quoting there?

I didn't ask you to interact with my comments. Why not just stop?

Smartiepants79 · 08/10/2022 14:28

Grabbed his neck how?? Took the scruff of his neck to move him off the sofa? Or put two hands around his throat and left a mark?
Those things are different.
I agree that you need more of a middle ground.
Maybe DH is too harsh, maybe he does need to think about changing the way he deals with your son.
But also please try and be honest with yourself. How permissive are you? Does DH always have to step up and be the boundaries and discipline? Also be honest about your DS behaviour.
Only you can know how bad it truly is.
I would come at the discussion by stating your concern for their relationship as father and son. Is he damaging it?

Pumperthepumper · 08/10/2022 14:30

Mumsnets always a real eye opener - how many adults on here would respond positively to being grabbed by the neck (under any circumstances)? I bet not many. But he’s only a kid, so he deserved it.

Mischance · 08/10/2022 14:34

Can you be more specific about "grabbing by the neck." What exactly does this mean? Who said that this is what happened?

Your OH was right to stop him doing it when he had been asked not to, and at that age he should know the house rule of not jumping on furniture.

If you seriously think that your OH's disciplinary actions are abusive then this needs to be sorted pdq.

If it is simply that you and OH disagree about the house rules and how to enforce them then that is a real problem because your son will use this to get between you and get his own way - and might even exaggerate what has happened. When I worked for CAHMS, parental disagreements about appropriate rules and discipline were one of the major reasons for difficult behaviour.

Pumperthepumper · 08/10/2022 14:39

Mischance · 08/10/2022 14:34

Can you be more specific about "grabbing by the neck." What exactly does this mean? Who said that this is what happened?

Your OH was right to stop him doing it when he had been asked not to, and at that age he should know the house rule of not jumping on furniture.

If you seriously think that your OH's disciplinary actions are abusive then this needs to be sorted pdq.

If it is simply that you and OH disagree about the house rules and how to enforce them then that is a real problem because your son will use this to get between you and get his own way - and might even exaggerate what has happened. When I worked for CAHMS, parental disagreements about appropriate rules and discipline were one of the major reasons for difficult behaviour.

parental disagreements about appropriate rules and discipline were one of the major reasons for difficult behaviour

What do you mean by this?

CovertImage · 08/10/2022 14:43

An open hand around his throat- unacceptable
His arm thrust forward, bent at the elbow so boys chin was in his elbow and pulled the child back towards him- not so bad.

Are you insane? A 7 year-old put in a headlock by an adult is "not so bad"!

IrisVersicolor · 08/10/2022 14:44

When women describe their DH as a ‘strict parent’ it usually means they’re angry arseholes with a short fuse.

Kissingfrogs25 · 08/10/2022 14:45

It’s child abuse, full stop.

Amortentia · 08/10/2022 14:52

I had a dad like this. But he wasn’t strict, he was just a miserable bastard with a short fuse. He had no ability to communicate without grabbing you or trying to intimidate you, the force he used increased as we go older. It only stopped when one of my siblings was big enough to hit him back and believe me you don’t want that for your son. This type of person ends up with creating an environment of fear. I’d be having sharp words and making it clear that if he put hands on your soon he was out. There is no need for this behaviour from a parent.

fluffinsalad · 08/10/2022 15:08

Honestly, id go up behind him and grab him back the neck and seen how he liked it.

Petronus · 08/10/2022 15:17

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 08/10/2022 12:50

The second my son is out the door, I would turn to my husband and say " The next time you put your hands on my son will be the last day you see either of us. We are no longer willing to walk on egg shells with you in this house, so get your shit together or get out. Your way of parenting is damaging our son and I won't have it any more."

That is the only thing you can do for your son. Enabling a husband like that means that you are complicit in this way of raising and your son deserves better.

This. Plus what the poster above said about this not actually being strict parenting, but aggressive and potentially dangerous.

PeekAtYou · 08/10/2022 15:18

I can't believe that anyone needs to be taught how to get children off the sofa.

I can imagine my kids ignoring me at first. So I'd stand up, get their attention and tell them to get off the sofa. I might offer them a hand or if very little, carry them off the sofa.

Making eye contact and talking to them closer often works. I guess it's easy as a child to get engrossed and not hear a parent speaking but when they can see you then they can hear you better.

Not jumping on sofas is a fair rule to have and by age 8, ds should know not to do it but he does not deserve being grabbed. Grabbing is for extreme situations like a child about to run into the road.

redredwineub40 · 08/10/2022 17:19

I completely agree with the previous post. You both need a consistent approach - agree my kids by 8 would not be jumping on the sofa.

We've all crossed a line at times but your dh sounds like a repeat offender. I assume you yourself don't think he's a generally abusive nightmare or you'd have left him so you need to sit down together, look at the 'repeat problems' and agree what you'll both do and back each other up calmly next time.

This dynamic of dad does this and then you fight or whatever happens next isn't at all good and you know that.

Harrystylestutu · 08/10/2022 18:24

Tell your husband to keep his fucking hands to himself

Tina8800 · 09/10/2022 09:56

Mumsnet is such a strange place: " The next time you put your hands on my son will be the last day you see either of us. We are no longer willing to walk on egg shells with you in this house, so get your shit together or get out. Your way of parenting is damaging our son and I won't have it any more." or "Tell your husband to keep his fucking hands to himself". WHAT???
Is this supposed to be a healthy communication between two parents??? In my understanding, OP does not think the husband is abusive (I REALLY hope in that case she won`t be posting here ask for strangers advice but would do something about it!).
These comments are shocking and not helpful at all!