Did you cook and clean for partner straight away after birth?

[2under3mmc]

Me and partner are expecting our second baby in the next week or so. He wasn’t around for our first and it’s only back in January that we got back together.With our first I had my own little routine as I was single, I just got by day but day and took it easy adjusting to being a parent.

Since then things have been good, he’s got a decent job with good hours, he’s completely changed in some aspects and became a good dad and partner. Well recently we’ve both been really lazy with cooking. I’m 39 weeks and have our toddler and I’m bloody shattered by the late afternoon so I don’t fancy cooking. I’ve also had quite a hard pregnancy with GD and pelvic/back pain. My partner though can cook (when he can be bothered. He’s just extremely lazy with it), also there’s loads in the fridge freezer and he finishes work at 4.30pm (starts at 7.30am).

Recently he’s been buying a few take aways which I now and again will have too and pay for. Though he said that he needs to stop doing so because he’s spent abit too much on them. I’d just done a food shop and I said no, I completely agree there’s loads in the house, though once I’ve had baby you’ll have to probably cook for a while.

well he then said oh I’ll just get takeaways then. I said to him, well no you can cook can’t you? No point wasting money if you’re able to do it. He then said well I’ll just get ready meals then because I’ll be tired (meaning he will be tired on paternity leave)

i asked him, did you think I’ll be up and cooking for you straight away after having a baby? I’m gunna be fucked! I’ll need all the help I can get. I had a forceps delivery with my first so recovery was tough and I had to do it on my own, my mum helped me shower and get about and I had loads of snacks by my bed for the first week whilst getting back on my feet.

i then asked him, do I need to be worried about what you might think I’ll be capable of doing straight away? Well he shut me down calling me ridiculous and saying he isn’t even having the conversation with me. I don’t know if because he wasn’t there previously for the birth and majority of the first year, he doesn’t actually realise how hard it can be. He will more than likely have to have our toddler for a couple days just so that I can get my bearings etc.

im just shocked that someone can watch their partner give birth and then straight away be expecting them to do all the cooking and cleaning? He’s going to be in for a shock because after his 2 week leave, I’m not going to have the time to cook for him when he comes back on lunch. I’m going to have a newborn and a toddler to look after and I’ve gotta really ply it by ear.

i really wanted to try and talk to him about this, I wasn’t coming across rude or whatever. I’m just genuinely concerned, I just wanted to talk about recovery and if he needs me to write down lists of things which could help him during the day and if I could just explain o him how I could have support from him during recovery. But he just completely cut me off. I hate how any concerns I have he says I’m ridiculous and shuts down the conversation.

i think maybe because how he was brought up he expects me to be like it. His dad used to work away so his mum had him and his sister all the time. Then his mum would do all cooking and cleaning etc. even now when his dad finishes work she would be cooking after him and what not. It’s just I expect things to be equal. We contribute exactly the same 50/50 even though he’s on over nearly a grand more a month than me a month. I’ve never expected him to help more with money, but just to help 50/50 with children

I don’t know am I being unreasonable? I just know how hard it was first time having our son and I see other friends/family getting more support from their partners

he's a twat

I would not be expecting to cook until either I felt like it or had to. If there was another adult there during the first few months I would expect them to expect to cook. Obviously I had to cook for the older kids, but no, not for my DH, he did most of it.

Not being unreasonable.
He should be cooking, cleaning and looking after the toddler as much as he possibly can.
Unless he wants to go through pregnancy, push the baby out, deal with the hormones, breastfeed, lack of sleep and you do the cooking.
What is up with the world that you should even be asking if it's unreasonable for him to do this?
He needs a short, sharp burst of sense knocked into him.

Why don’t you think of ways to make it easier for the both of you - you’re at one of those intense times of life. Take aways aren’t the only option - just both of you assemble ‘non cook ‘ meals - like ready chopped veg can be thrown in the oven with chicken legs or something . Ravioli with a bought tomato sauce can be another meal. Baked potatoes . DH and I both do everything as both under pressure and we keep it easy . The last thing you need is a battle!

I do have a real sense of DH stepping up more than normal though and your DH should certainly learn to look after you and. Help you recover . He does sound a bit hopeless

Why aren't you each contributing in proportion to yr incomes?

This doesn't sound great OP.

From what you've said he thinks he'll be too tired too cook which he's right you both will be so HE needs to batch cook/ get prepared with ready meals esp with a toddler you're gunna be busy!

When we had our first we didn't cook for a while we just ate lots of ready meals because we were shattered but there's no way on earth my husband would expect me to be cooking or cleaning.

Bit late now but why are you having a child with a self absorbed child?

My ex expected me to be absolutely fine after the birth , I took my dd food shopping on my own when she was about a week old as ex hadn't bothered while I was in the hospital. He was an abusive arsehole and the reason he's an ex .

My husband waited on me hand and and foot after our child was born, he brought me everything I needed, including cutting up my food so I could eat one handed. We ended up with a particularly difficult recovery and a very high needs baby and so it went on longer than with most couples, but even with an easy birth and baby, partners should plan to do that for at least the first couple of weeks. Any man who doesn’t get that really isn’t much of a man.

We got ready meals in because we knew we would be too tired and not be bothered to cook when DD was born. Is this part of a wider conversation or reasons why you split up? I would absolutely expect him to do more housework and look after your toddler but ready meals are an easy way of just alleviating the load slightly.

There’s no reason why you won’t be able to cook. Maybe you do the cooking he could take over the baby and toddler. Get organised now with easy meals and a routine. My Dh didn’t get any time off after our last baby. Loads of single parents manage, so will you.

I don’t understand why you’re shocked based on how this man has behaved in the past. He has literally shown you the level of contempt he has for you.

What possessed you to have a second child with him when he treated you and the first baby so terribly?

Lazy sod. My partner does most of the cooking atm as I have GD. We have a son and are due another in March, he will be doing most of the cooking, housework etc when baby comes too until I have recovered and we will then share the load

But why should she? She isn't a single parent.

Sounds like my ex. I was up, cooking and cleaning the day I got home from hospital. Even after dc3 when I lost 3l of blood. Note the ex part.

Make sure to point out to him thatnhis extra grand a month will need to be saved to cover your half of the costs when you're on mater ity pay... don't let him get away with putting you into debt whilst he spends. He probably hasn't realised you won't get benefit support this time because of his wage... or maybe he is just as lazy in that area too expecting to be a kept man!

Didn’t do it before sweetie and didn’t do it after either. I am not his mother and I married a grown up.

Blimey. I’m 2 weeks post c section. My partner has literally done everything, every school run, every bit of housework, washing, cooking literally everything… even had to get me dressed for the first day or 2. We have 7 kids so he’s really had his work cut out!

so yeah; I think he’s a twat. You are not being unreasonable to expect not to bloody cook while he’s off on paternity. Absolutely not.

Well, you know exactly what he’s like. He wasn’t even around for the first baby. I think there is some serious wishful thinking going on here.

Just for the avoidance of doubt - he’s not a very nice, let alone capable, person.

Decent men are only too happy to do their share at any time, let alone when their partner has just given birth.

I did. But our lifestyle is different to yours. If I wasn’t doing the cooking and cleaning I’d need to muck out the horses, run the dogs ten miles a day, rehang a ceiling and rebuild a wall, remove cracked bath and fit a new steel bath (that he’s still not fucking finished and youngest is 11 weeks) plus drive the older ones to clubs and competitions out my tits on painkillers and with no insurance after my c section. Cooking cleaning and Nightfeeds was the easy option in my house.

My ex DH was a total waste of space when it came to life/work/babies and was emotionally dysfunctional and sometimes mean- even he managed to not be such a twat. And you're with this guy?????? Why???
Make your bed and lie in it I guess.

a good dad and partner

He's neither of those.

He's a lazy, useless knob.

I can barely believe what I am reading.

I simply cannot believe you would take someone back and have a second baby with them when they "weren't around" for the first.

What the absolute fuck. Kick his lazy ass out the door. before he decides to do one anyway a couple of months after the baby is born because you aren't "meeting his needs"

So you got back together in January and pretty much instantly got pregnant?

Is he even planning to stick around after the baby is born ? He's already proven he's totally unreliable and useless. You sound like you really have your work cut out.