Young girls and bitchy behaviour - why?

[TestingTesting100]

Just a bit of a rant really and wondering if anyone else has experienced this/has any words of wisdom!
obviously I’m massively biased but DD6 is lovely. She really is lovely and very kindhearted. A couple of girls she is “friends” with however are what I can only describe as bitchy. One minute they’re best pals and the next minute without warning they’re doing everything they can to put her down/generally be a bit horrible. I’ve seen them do this to other girls before and wasn’t keen but for context there was a bit of history between them of not getting along, I had hoped this was the reason for their bitchy comments but I think actually it’s just their usual behaviour. DD however has done absolutely nothing to warrant this kind of treatment. She’s terrified of upsetting them and thus sparking either nasty treatment or a ridiculously dramatic reaction from them (these girls are both massive drama queens who will have hysterical crying fits over literally anything that doesn’t go their way. They don’t like their shoes etc, the kind of thing I would expect from a toddler rather than kids who have done a couple of years of school. Genuinely the first time I witnessed this I thought one of the girls had broken their arm etc the way they were wailing so hysterically. It took a few minutes of confusion to ascertain it was because they had to go home)
Anyway why do little girls do this? Suddenly decide to drop friends who have been nothing but lovely to them and then shit on them for no apparent reason? And what do you do when your little girl is on the receiving end and is completely unsure of what on earth she did to deserve this?
oh - and how do you stop yourself from letting their mum know you’re really pissed off with the spoilt, horrible little cows they’re raising?

This sounds quite vicious language you're using to describe 6 year olds, to me.

I would be telling your little girl to avoid them and play with other people. And if it really is that bad then I'd be having a word with the teacher about what's happening and also so they can encourage your child to perhaps play with other people or find a way around this.

It is hard to gage from your post how bad it is really though. Some (a lot?) children do say not nice things sometimes and are dramatic. Your post doesn't really an indication of how bad these things are or how often apart from your scathing opinion of the children

Yikes op...they're only 6! Pretty unpleasant language you're using to describe them.

Sorry if it’s sounds scathing but honestly I have been watching the way these girls work for a couple of years now and I’m in disbelief at how unkind & manipulative they can be at such a young age. It’s really shocked me! Like I said I have observed them to be horrid to other girls but they have suddenly began being horrible to DD and she has literally been nothing but nice to them. If anything she has always hung on their every word.
I just don’t understand why girls in particular are like this and at such a young age?

how do you stop yourself from letting their mum know you’re really pissed off with the spoilt, horrible little cows they’re raising?

That's the kind of misogynistic, coarse, abusive (yes, it is) language you use to describe young children?

I'd recommend you don't hold back and tell those parents (why mum specifically, incidentally?) precisely what you think of their daughters so they can make avoidance of those kinds of attitudes - on their own part and that of their children - absolutely certain.

Children that age fall out with each other all the time. They make and break friendships at the drop of a hat, they leave people out, then they assimilate them back in and leave out someone else. They're children. They don't yet have the maturity to deal with their emotions, and will only internalise misogynistic BS like 'bitchy' or 'horrible little cows' if they've picked up that attitude from somewhere else.

You don't have to look too far as to where.

I don't know that girls are especially more 'like this', I wonder if we read the same behaviour differently. However, I can empathise with what you are saying- my oldest was v similar at that age and I still remember how horrified I was when a girl she barely knew started deliberately stepping on the backs of her heels and doing little things to try to upset her (it was rivalry over a mutual friend). Fortunately it all sailed over her head.

Now, 8 years later she has a very close knit friend group who love her because she is so kind and has no 'side' to her. It's a mix of boys and girls.

It's not just girls- there are some boys the same.

My dd9 is still friends with 2 girls she went to nursery with, we have very little drama and 'bitchyness' as you call it. You dd needs different friends.

@MrsGhastlyCrumb thanks for the reassurance. I just don’t know where the spitefulness comes from. DD sounds very similar to yours in that she’s just nice, she has no mean streak. And yes, I am probably more protective of her because of this because she seems to take whatever mean treatment these girls feel like doing and I just want her to see what’s happening and play with someone else. As you may be able to tell its quite an emotive subject! I was bullied throughout school and I cannot bear the idea of DD enduring similar

In my experience with two girls- the horrible little girls have horrible mothers. It is learnt behaviour.

Yep this. It’s about emotional intelligence and what is modelled at home.

Kids are learning social skills at this age.
Teach your little one to value herself and role play better ways to deal with tricky interactions. Foster other friends and friends outside of school.
It's probably a waste of your time to tackle the other parents.

It's not just a girl thing though..20 years of teaching this age group and in my experience stereotypes are way off.. little boys and girls are equally as nasty to each other (and lovely and sweet and kind).

I wonder what prompts them to decide to “go off” someone in such a dramatic way though?
DD isn’t bossy, she’s always willing to go along with their ideas for games etc
she shares beautifully - Always the first to offer to share her sweets with her friends, never got an issue with friends playing with her toys on playdates etc

I have considered jealousy (they have been round to play and made little comments about toys DD has/really silly things like DD always has different hair bands etc)

You're giving it too much thought? You need to build up her way of dealing with it/ playing with other people.
If it is this bad

You actually sound horrible. I wouldn't want my 6 year old being friends with your child.

It's time to arm your daughter with more skills to be less 'wet'. She doesn't always have to go along with their games, she doesn't always have to share, sometimes being nice is over-rated. Niceness doesn't get you very far in life: assertiveness and cooperation does.

Give her set phrases she can use:

"Let's play your game now if we get to play my game later"
"No, this is my sandwhich and I don't feel like sharing it today"
"If you want some of my crisps, I will swap you for that apple"
"I don't like it when you talk to me like that. Shall we have some time out from each other?"

You're going to raise one of those girls, the kind that go through life believing they can't have female friends because they're all jealous of her.

It's a slippery slope you're on.

I was bullied throughout school and I cannot bear the idea of DD enduring similar

You were potentially bullied through school because you never learned how to assert yourself, so it's time to teach your child these skills.

@Watchthesunrise how do I do this? How do I get her to recognise when someone isn’t being a kind friend to her and stand up for herself? I practice with her saying things like “please stop i don’t like it” or “that wasn’t kind so I’m going to play with Jenny now” etc but she just doesn’t do it, she doesn’t even cry and let them or the teacher know they’ve done something to upset her, she will hide somewhere quiet to cry and if anyone asks she says it’s because she’s fallen over. Do you know how much that breaks my heart

It's almost as if the behaviour patterns in Some people are hard coded into the human brain.

Similar how certain animals want to dominate other animals even if their appears no reason for it.

I can understand your frustrations and perspectives. I'll admit I'm no psychologist, but hopefully with your perspectives your dd will learn better behavioural patterns.

@TestingTesting100 if she is finding it hard sticking up for herself in general, would do well to get more skills for this, I would actually speak to the school/whichever teacher to see if they can help build her up/have any ideas

It really does hurt to see your kids suffer - especially when it's something you went through too.
But you can help your DD and steer her to a different outcome here. Keep talking to her - she's only 6 and these are complicated life skills. Stay calm and talk through the way she's dealing with it now, ask a few gentle questions, suggest other ways.
Always model the behaviours you want to see too.

start here

A Mighty Girl has loads of book suggestions and resources for developing strong women who don't take any shit.

Sometimes kids are a bit mean, sometimes they are a bit sneaky, sometimes they are lovely, none of them are perfect. Every parent goes through this with their dc, we feel everything they feel, but it's life and they have to learn to figure out things for themselves. I agree with pps that you are being quite nasty about children who are after all very young.